Learning How to Smile
Entry #4
January 31, 2001-
Wow, that lady helped a lot...NOT. I'm dying...whoopde friggen doo, I had pretty much guessed that already, pal. I swear, "counselor's" or whatever think patients are stupid or something. My doctor, whom has allowed me to begin calling him by his first name, Joe, since we're going to be spending pretty much the rest of my life together, referred me to a doctor who specializes in HIV and AIDS...one problem...his office is in Orlando, so it looks like I get to drive an hour to Orlando almost every other day for a while for tests and stuff. The counselor (a very energetic chick named Nancy) told me that I'll probably be taking anywhere from 10 to 20 pills everyday...sounds like fun...not. She says that won't happen until my T helper count drops below 500. (T helpers are basically a fancy shmancy name for white blood cells.) I have to get on this healthy diet...no drinking for me anymore...no partying either I guess. I kind of think I should still not care...I mean, I'm gonna die anyway, right? Why bother delaying the inevitable? I care, though...I mean, maybe I can help other people who are going through the same thing, ya know? I guess I have to first tell my family and friends before I can preach to other people to tell their families and friends. She asked if I'd experienced any sudden, unexpected weight loss in the last for 4 years that I could remember...I always assumed I lost a lot more weight dancing then the other guys did...turns out it was this dumb disease. She referred me to a psychologist...I guess she could tell I was about to have a nervous break down...maybe fall into depression...I don't think I'm gonna go though. The stress is just from worrying about my family and friends and I'm not about to go to some guy I don't even know who's not interested anyway and bitch and moan about my sorry ass self. I don't care if Nancy thinks it's a good idea or not. Anyway, I decided that today's the day that I'm going to tell the guys about my HIV...I invited them all over tonight already, so there's no backing out now...I told them I had something very important to tell them...when they ask me about it, whether I change my mind or not, I'll cave. That's exactly why I did that. I was going to have Dave here too so they could meet him. I decided against telling anyone about him until I'm absolutely positively sure I know what I'm doing. No sense in sending everyone to an early grave if it doesn't even work out...or I realize I'm going crazy and they lock me up. Maybe the guys could at least meet him, though ya know? So if I do end up with him, they're not caught completely off guard by it. I really hate my life right now...I kind of wish I'd just drop dead already, but at the same time I hope I'll be alive at least to see 25...I'd like to see 30, but I think maybe that's pushing it. All these emotions I'm having are getting EXTREMELY ANNOYING! I'm annoying the crap out of myself. I thought I had it altogether...I guess all young guys think they have the world figured out...boy was I wrong...I know now that I know jack shit about life...or death. I guess deep down everyone's still that scared little kid they knew when they were growing up...I never thought the skinny little blonde dork would be back, but then again I never thought I'd be dying so young. See what I mean?! I'm so annoying! I'm not dying RIGHT NOW! I don't even have AIDS yet! AIDS is what kills you, not HIV. AIDS will be here eventually, though. God, I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder telling me to suck it up and deal, and a devil on the other side telling me to screw it and continue the lifestyle I had before. It would be so easy to fall back into the late nights, bumping parties, waking up in a pool of your own vomit, a girl in your bed and 2 more waiting outside...but I don't want that kind of life anymore...I know I don't. I'm through with it...it's such a shallow way of living. I'm gonna go read all the brochures Nancy gave me, plan out this new healthy eating log that she said I should do and call Dave...I think I will have him over tonight with the guys. They'd think he was cool, too. My parents come tomorrow...so I get to witness the pain 2 days in a row...aren't I the lucky one? I hope the guys don't freak out on me...that's the last thing I need. I already know how irresponsible I was...but I was 16...it's not an excuse, I know that. Oh well...we'll see how it goes. Peace.
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