Learning How to Smile
Entry #5
February 1, 2001-
A new month, and a new attitude...well, kind of. I told the guys last night. Lots of tears, lots of concern...but they asked a lot of questions which I took as a sign that they care. Not that I thought they were heartless and wouldn't care, but still, ya know? That damn devil on my right shoulder won't shut up. Brian offered to go with me to the hospital for my next check up and they all said I could crash at their houses if I don't feel like driving all the way back to Tampa sometime after a check up in Orlando. As I predicted, Brian took it the hardest...I mean, that's my best friend...I wonder if he knows that I still consider him my best friend even after all these years. He and I haven't been as close as we once were for the past couple of years...I think it's because we both grew up a little. He's spent a lot of his time with Leighanne...don't think I'm blaming our decreasing friendship on her...that's not it at all...I understand what it's like to be in a relationship and to be infatuated completely with that person. That's how I was with Mandy. I think maybe she's another reason he and I drifted apart...he never liked her and I think he was upset with me that I wouldn't take his advice and dump her. I wish I would have...she didn't treat me right...it sucks to have to wait to see that after wasting years of my life on her...I'm glad I realized it before I married her or something stupid like that. Anyway, I thought it was really cool of him to want to take part in my hospital visits and all. He's been at his house in Orlando for about a week so he could be down here for my birthday, but he said he'd talk to Leighanne and see if they could stay down here longer. He really wants to help me through this. All of the guys offered a hand...I guess you don't realize just how great your friends are until you're shoved into a time of crisis. They all seemed to warm up to Dave pretty quickly...by the end of the night they were all joking around together. That makes me happy...if nothing else we have a new member in our circle of friends. I didn't say anything to them about him or how I'm feeling...that would have been a bit awkward. He sat beside me the whole night, though...when I told them, he had his arm around me...I guess they can assume it's because he's a friend, but maybe they're questioning it. I doubt it...they've all seen me these past few years...they would probably never think that I would like anything but girls. I wouldn't expect AJ to all of a sudden have a boyfriend and he and I are pretty much the same way...well were the same way in our views on life. I told them all about my having HIV at the beginning of the night...all of them cried and hugged me and cried some more, but by the end of the night, like I said, they were all joking around and laughing. I guess it hadn't really sunk in for them either. Hell, it took me a few days. Maybe they just didn't want to talk about it a lot in fear that I wouldn't want to, but to tell you truth, I'm cool with talking about it...I want them to understand. It feels so good to know that there are people who will be by your side through everything. I'm blessed to have such awesome friends. I read somewhere once that you're lucky if you have one true friend your entire life...I have 4. I guess sometimes we're too wrapped up in wishing for something that we don't have, that we forget about what's right in front of us. Before I die, I'm going to be sure to make sure all 4 of them know how much they mean to me. I mean, Brian's willing to move back to Orlando for a while just to help me...the kid hates Orlando. He's risking pissing Leighanne off for me...if that's not friendship, I don't know what is. I heard Kevin ask him what he'd do if Leigh didn't want to move back...he said he would stay by himself and that my health was more important to him right now. He said he knows Leighanne would understand. I think she would too. Granted I don't know her as well as he does, I know her well enough to know that she has a heart of gold like her husband. There aren't many people in the world I would drop everything for, but Brian, AJ, Kevin, and Howie are definitely people that are put into that category...and I'm overwhelmed to know they feel the same way. Brian said he'd come by tonight...he wants to see my family...and he wants to be there for me when I tell them. I think he has a better understanding of death then the rest of the guys because it almost happened to him. He said I have to tell my family tonight and that if I didn't, he would. He said they, above everyone else, deserve to know. He's right...I should have told them sooner, but I think it's better to break hard news to someone face to face...but it's a hell of a lot easier to do it on the phone. My mom's going to be hysterical...I hope Aaron, Angel, and Leslie understand. I know BJ will. Well, their flight gets here soon and I have to pick them up from the airport, so I should be going. Peace.
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