Liz tried her best to explain the situation to Justin but he wasn't understanding any of it. She didn't understand herself and trying to inform Justin of the problem wasn't an easy thing to do. Lynn hadn't been any help either. Once Liz had said those words, she was a complete wreck. She had to excuse herself from Liz's room to get some air.
Liz hadn't broken down yet. It was as though she knew in her heart that this was what she had, and only the anticipation had caused her to be nervous. She just hadn't let it get to her yet. She was doing her best to be strong for Justin who was thousands of miles away.
She heard his pleas for this to not be happening, his cussing which beyond anything she thought he was capable of doing, and finally his break down. His sobs were enough to bring her to her knees but she couldn't let him hear her cry. She would remain strong for him, although it was her that needed the comfort. It wasn't her time. She would have her day and when it came, it would be a turning point for her, but now was not that day.
"Justin, are you okay?" She asked as she made herself as comfortable in her bed as possible. A nurse was standing by, giving her any information that she would need to tell him.
She heard him sniffle a few times before his calm voice spoke to her again. "Ebby, I'm not the one who needs to be okay here. You need to be and I'm coming home to help."
"NO!" She yelled at him, showing the first signs of any feeling since finding out the truth earlier that evening. "You are NOT canceling your appearances or shows and disappointing your fans just to come back here and do nothing."
Justin was hurt by her outburst and replied. "You think my being with you would be for nothing? That I wouldn't be able to help you? Ebby, why are you saying this?" His voice was beginning to crack again and he knew the tears were right behind them.
"Justin, please, it's not what you think. I just have so much I have to do and plan for and think through and deal with, that having you here would only make it harder. I need you to stay where you are, do what you told everyone you would do, then come home in a few weeks. I just need to be alone for awhile and digest all of this before I let anyone else in. I have to do this for myself. I hope you understand."
She heard him sniff again and his pitiful voice filled her ears. "I don't understand any of this. I don't know how you can be this calm. I don't know how I'm gonna go on everyday as if nothing is wrong. I don't know how I'm not going to pull all my hair out worrying about you. When all I want to do is reach through this phone and just hold you and make this all go away."
Liz held the phone tightly in her hand and wanted to release his pain. He was just too special to her and the world, to be going through something like this. He needed his focus to be on his music and HIS life – not HER life. She didn't know what to do. She needed him but she also knew if he was to do the things he had to do, then she would have to set him free.
A grown man, living his life along side everyone else, having a career – heck – even dealing with traffic every day, couldn't handle this. Add to the mix an international superstar whose simplest detail of his life was exposed for all to see, all to talk about and being only a teenager. No, there was no way Liz was going to make him deal with this too.
"Justin, honey more than anything I wish I could ease your pain but I can't. I can't even think straight right now. Look, I really need to go and…" She began but he interrupted her.
"NO! No, don't go. I don't want to let you go. Please, I need to hear your voice. Ebby, don't leave me. Don't go." He pleaded with her and she could hear the pain in his voice.
She also heard his cries and knew he was losing it all over again. Her heart broke and she wanted to cry herself but she couldn't. She had to deal with this first. She had too much to do for herself and he had to understand. He had to let her off the phone. "Justin, I HAVE to go. I have to." She said, her voice struggling to keep its composure.
She heard him beg some more and it tore into her soul but she had to go. She motioned for the nurse to find Lynn and bring her back in. If Justin wasn't going to hang up the phone, then he would have to talk to his mom. She just couldn't do it any longer.
A moment later, Lynn walked in, her eyes puffy and her face stained from the tears that she had shed herself. She slowly approached Liz and reached for the phone as Liz simply turned her head away. Lynn could hear Justin yelling on the other end and she also saw the hurt in Liz's eyes. She knew what must have happened.
She took the phone away from her and returned to outside the room to speak to her son. Liz didn't need to hear anymore from him and Lynn knew it. She had other things to think about.
Liz threw herself back on the bed and rubbed her tired eyes with her knuckles. She had so much to do and unfortunately, she didn't know how much time she had.
Several days had past and Liz was now home – well her apartment. Lynn was getting ready to leave for the evening, she had to get home to pack for her early morning flight to Colorado to meet up with the girls. She had stayed with Liz for the past few days, helping her in anyway she could. Liz had undergone a biopsy where the removal of a sample of her tissues had been taken to tell whether cancer cells were present.
In her case, there had been. The doctor's informed her that the type of cancer she was dealing with involved her cervix. Liz had spent her time reviewing every piece of material she could find – in books that Lynn had gone to get her, to the Internet. She found out that she didn't have any of the risks involved but unlike many other cancers that rarely affect young adults, cervical cancer can affect young women in their twenties and even in their teens.
She knew of no family history involving this type of cancer but had other forms throughout her grandparents and relatives. Those alone wouldn't have caused this but the doctor's did feel that it could have played a role. They weren't concerned at the moment with finding out WHY she had gotten it but HOW they were going to treat it.
She was released from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon and was immediately put on medication until she could undergo further treatments. She also had to go to the hospital to have what was called a Cystoscopy. This test was to be done to see if the cancer had spread to the bladder. A chest x-ray was also done to see if it was in her lungs. And a few others to analyze the area in which they needed to go to cure this thing.
Liz was pretty much numb to everything around her at that point. In the last 48 hours, she had been poked, pinned, knocked out, drugged and tortured until her body couldn't handle any more but she knew this was nothing compared to what lie ahead. She shuddered at the thought and had to take each day as it came.
A few of the things Liz was dealing with now was what direction she wanted to take things in. She had been given the facts about the different types of treatments and surgeries involved with her type of cancer.
There was the removal of her uterus all together – for which she couldn't bare with that fact yet. She still wanted a family if she ever pulled through this and that surgery would hinder any chance she would have.
The one surgery she was looking into was what was called a Cone Biopsy. It is seldom used as the only treatment except for women with early stages of cancer who might want to have children. Liz chose this one over the rest. She knew though that this surgery wasn't the only thing she would endure.
She would undergo chemotherapy after the surgery and with that came many risks – especially infertility – but that was Liz's only choice. If she chose the cone biopsy, she would have to take her chances with the chemo and pray she could still have children if this ended on a happy note.
She couldn't think about that just yet. Her doctor had given her a positive outlook on her cure rate but she knew that no one really knew the odds. Crunching numbers into a system and having it spit out a percentage rate of survival was a far cry from a certainty and Liz understood that. She would have to prepare herself for whatever happened.
(All of the above info is from the ACS Cervical Cancer Resource Center – in case you were wondering)
Lynn had been avoiding any talks with Liz about Justin. Liz hadn't mentioned him in the past few days neither did she speak to him. She was keeping her distance and that concerned Lynn more than ever. She knew that Liz needed Justin by her side but since he was halfway across the world, she wouldn't reach out to him until he could be closer. That still didn't make things easier.
Justin had called several times, only to talk to his mom. She informed him that Liz was either at the hospital or sleeping. Much to his frustrations, he was slowly beginning to accept what was going on but didn't know what to do about it.
He had told the other guys in the group and they had all given him their support in whatever he chose to do. They left messages on Liz's machine, telling her that she was in their prayers and if she needed a friendly ear to talk to, then they were only a phone call away.
They could all see that Justin would never be the same after this. He was so young to have to be dealing with something like this but they knew he wouldn't turn his back on Liz. He loved her too much to ever do that.
Justin had talked to the guys none stop for days about his feelings. He knew he had to get out any anger, any frustrations, any hurt, and any pain that he had inside so when he returned to Liz, he would be able to be the strong one for her. She deserved that much from him.
~ ~ ~
"Lynn, I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me these last few days…and this past summer. I never thought I'd be here with such wonderful people like yourself. You are truly a dear friend." Liz told Lynn as the two were standing at Liz's front door. She had it opened but Lynn refused to leave just yet.
"Elizabeth, please, do you need anything else? I don't have to go. I can help with your clothes. Fix you something to eat. Just keep you company. Whatever you want." She replied, hoping to stay a little longer with her. She didn't feel right leaving her. She still hadn't shed one tear. She hadn't gotten mad. She hadn't done anything but study and study and study.
Liz was determined to find out everything she could on this terrible disease so she knew what she was up against. Lynn felt so much love and compassion for her. She was at the battle field, guns pulled, and ready for the fight. But she knew with any war, it could bring a grown man to his knees and make him cower like a baby. She wondered when Liz would crack.
She could only pray that it wouldn't be when she was alone.
She still hadn't told anyone other than Justin and Lynn about this. The guys knew but that was because Justin had told them himself. It was her secret and she was going to keep it that way. She didn't want everyone's pity. Everyone towering over her asking if she was fine, asking if they could help, needing support for themselves. Liz was strong but not strong enough to hold up all her friends. She needed her strength to battle the demon within.
"Lynn, I appreciate everything, really I do, but you need to get going. You still have to pack and your plane leaves bright and early tomorrow. I promise I'm fine so don't even ask. You can call me anytime, though I will be at school tomorrow…"
"You are NOT going to school young lady. You need your rest and…"
"Lynn, I have to finish this semester. Next one, I'll be off so I can't ruin what I've done so far. The doctor's said that I should only be out a week after the surgery and I need to make sure that I have people taking notes for me and that I've talked to my professors. I'm just making some family emergency up so they'll buy it. Look…"
She started, noticing Lynn's saddened face. "I'll be careful. I'll eat enough. I'll try to get some sleep. I only have a few days before I have my surgery and I still have so much to do before then."
Lynn looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "Elizabeth, I could still have Shey travel with the girls and stay here for your surgery. Its only a couple of days away. The girls will be done in 10 days anyway. I'm sure…"
"Lynn, no. You are not disrupting your life or your job for me. I won't be alone if that's what you're worried about."
She eyed her questionably. "Who?" She asked, wondering who would be there to help her recover.
Liz smiled nervously at her. "My father." She said as she saw Lynn's face crinkle in confusion. "Yeah, I called him today while you were out. He yelled, cried, cussed a little – a lot like Justin did – but once it hit him, he straightened up and said he would be on a plane tomorrow and will be here for the surgery."
Lynn's face showed the relief that Liz's statement had caused. "Elizabeth, I'm so glad he's coming. Yes I was worried about you being all alone but I still would like to be here for you."
"I know you would and I can't thank you enough but you have things you have to do and I have things I have to do. My dad will be here and he's all I need right now." Liz stated as she leaned tiredly against the doorframe.
Lynn nodded her head but had to ask another question that was bothering her. "What about your mother?"
Liz inhaled deeply and looking down at the floor. "She's busy. It'll just be my dad."
Lynn felt her face on fire at that moment. She wanted to hurry home so she could pack and change her flight plans to Indiana instead of Colorado and let Liz's mom have a piece of her mind. But she wasn't about to say anything to Liz about that. She could see how much it hurt her not to have her own mother there. Lynn's heart went out to her but knew she would be okay with her father. He would take care of his baby girl.
"Um, okay. Well, I guess I feel a little better now that your dad will be here but PLEASE call me anytime if you need me and make sure I hear from you or your dad after the surgery. I should be back in the office in less than two weeks and I'll be over here as soon as I get in."
Liz just shook her head as she raised it back up. "I'll be sure to call. Oh, and please don't say anything to the girls. I don't want to worry them while they're performing. They have enough on their minds right now."
Lynn opened her arms and brought Liz into them. She hugged her tight as she whispered into her ear. "Always thinking of other people when you need to be thinking of yourself." She said as she pulled back and gave Liz a quick kiss on the cheek.
She just smiled and waved as Lynn slowly walked to her parked car. She stood by the door and watched her drive away. As she shut it, she finally came to realize that she was alone.
For the past 10 days, every move she made was followed by someone: Lynn, Justin – before he had left, people at school or work, the doctors, the nurses, everyone. But she was now all by herself. No one around to be brave for. No one to help keep strong. No on at all.
She slowly slid her back down against the door, bringing her knees up to her body and finally let it all out – crying the first of many tears that were to come in the next few months.
She was broken, she was lost and she was afraid.
Her sobs were drowned out by the tons of cars passing outside, loaded with the frustrated faces of the people whose only concern was the traffic that was keeping them from making it home in time for the evening news or that particular TV show that they couldn't miss. They had no concept of how precious their time truly was.
Liz sat there crying, hoping that she would one day be able to be stuck in traffic again.