Justin rushed to Liz's door and had to stop himself to take a deep breath before barging in on her. He didn't know where those hurtful words came from and he certainly didn't think she was behind him, hearing him say them. He had to make things right.
He rushed inside but instead of finding her crushed and sobbing on the bed, she was using every bit of strength she had and was packing her suitcase. She had just finished her second treatment, had slept for a few hours but was now up and feeling awful. None of that was mattering to her at that moment. All she wanted was to get as far away from Justin as possible.
"GO AWAY!" She yelled at him but her raspy voice made it come out more like a low roar.
Justin walked up and spun her around by the shoulders. He grabbed her arms and held onto them tightly. "I'm not going anywhere until you hear what I have to say."
"I heard you loud and clear downstairs. Now let me go, you're hurting me." She snapped back but he continued to hold onto her. "Justin, please, you're hurting me." She tried again and felt the pain run through her body so fast she thought she would pass out right then.
He saw the fear in her eyes and immediately let her out of his hold, trying to apologize. "Ebby, I'm sorry, I…"
She stopped him with a hand in his face. "Justin don't, just don't. I have nothing to say to you, now or ever." She finished and stormed into the bathroom. If he wasn't going to leave the room, then she would have to do it. She knew he wouldn't follow her in there but she locked it anyway.
Justin banged on the door, just like he had several nights ago when she had first lost her hair. He pleaded with her to let him explain but she never answered. He could hear her turn the water on as the shower sprayed over her thin body. She would drown him out if at all possible.
He was defeated. He was ashamed. He was a complete jerk. But what he felt like at that moment was…alone.
He leaned his head against the wall, trying one last time to get her to come out. He didn't hit the door, nor did he raise his voice, all he did was run his fingers over the smooth wooden frame and whispered to her through the six inches that separated them. "I'm…I'm just so scared to lose you. Please listen to me, Elizabeth…I…I love you."
He finished and hoped that she would hear him and open the door but she didn't. Instead, he heard another sound from the other side. A familiar one that he had heard almost every day when he and the guys met some of their fans. But this time, the sound pierced his heart. It shot straight through his body and broke his soul in two.
He found his body sliding down the door and his legs folding up to his chest as his arms encircled his knees. His head lowered to them and he mimicked the same sound that he heard from her.
Today was the day.
It had finally happened. Everything that she held so close inside was being released into that water that felt like a cleansing agent. It was washing away her pain, her fears, even her hopes and dreams. Whatever she was letting out, it took away, down the drain and out of her grasp.
He had done what no one thought possible – he had broken her.
She wept in that bathroom, body shaking from the sobs and from the effects of her treatment that day. Her cries were overheard by Justin and all he could do was listen in between his own tears. He had never expected that in this short of time, that he would find someone like Liz, fall so in love with her that he would give up everything for her safety, give her the world and then take it all away with a few words. He didn't know he was capable of such treachery. He never knew he could hurt someone so much.
The two of them continued on with their pleas of release. Their cries for it all to be out. They were one step away from hitting rock bottom and now had to decide whether to take that last step and give up or find that little bit of hope, that little bit of strength that was hidden deep inside, and fight to pull themselves back up.
Liz didn't have any fight left in her so Justin knew he had to be the one to make the step – he just hoped that it would be the right one this time.
When Liz finally emerged from the bathroom, after hearing that Justin had left – Joey was now inside her room and said that coast was clear – she walked slowly to her bed and laid down. She was emotionally and physically drained and although her initial intention was to pack up and leave, she had no strength left to do it. She would have to stay for awhile.
Joey helped her into bed and tucked her under the covers. He noticed the way her skin looked like it had been not only eighty years old from the obvious long time in the shower but it appeared burned as well. Her arms were red like a sunburn and there were two small bruises on her upper arms that made Joey see fire.
He tried to pass it off, Liz didn't need him yelling right now. She closed her eyes and let the last of the tears run down her cheeks. "I can't do this any more." She said out of nowhere.
"Sweetheart, I understand that you probably don't want to be here with Justin but you have to get your…"
"No, Joey, I can't do THIS, this fight, this battle with this…this thing inside of me. I can't do it. I don't have it in me. It's too hard." She told him as she struggled to get comfortable in the bed she had spent so much time in already.
Joey's heart went out to her. She had a long way to go to give up now but he couldn't give her what she needed and that was Justin. She must have hated him but he was the one person that she needed to make this all better, to get her spirits back up and make her fight for her life.
But she wouldn't let him in again.
She trusted him with everything she had, her most precious gift: her life, and he stomped on it with his harsh words. Her father had been right, Justin would turn away and leave her. He wasn't strong enough to help her. He wasn't what she thought he was.
What she didn't understand was that if you get so low in life, to the point of giving up, where there's no hope, no future, nothing but pain – the lowest a person can go – if just that spark, that ray of light can be found within, then you will drag yourself out of it and NEVER allow yourself to go back to that darkness again.
She had to find the strength from within to pull herself out and fight to survive. Justin didn't have that power. Joey didn't have it either. Lynn, her family, friends, even the doctors – none of them had it within their mitts to pull her out - she and she alone had to do it.
But right now, she didn't know that.
Joey didn't know what to say to her. All he could do was lay down beside her on the bed, gently rub her bruised arm and sing. She had never heard him actually sing before and found comfort in the words that came from his mouth.
He sang her to sleep that afternoon. And he watched as her body relaxed by his smooth voice. He knew she only needed a little caring to be okay. Now, if the right person would care then maybe she could find that strength and fight again.
Lynn had returned from her meeting and was furious when she was told what went on in the house. She yelled at Justin for being so insensitive, told him that he had probably caused Liz more pain than the chemo was doing – but held him close to her when he broke down again and cried.
He was so ashamed of what he had done, what he had said, that he couldn't look at himself in the mirror. He had caused Liz to lose it, to lose herself and he didn't know how to make things right again.
Once Lynn calmed him – and herself – down, she began a heart-to-heart with him. She explained that he had had all those pent up feelings and emotions inside of him that needed to come out. He was expressing his fears for his girlfriend, which was to be expected, but just said them at the wrong time and in front of the wrong person.
Liz needed to hear his worries but not in the way he told her – without warning.
She asked him that now that he had it all out, did he feel better. Did he really mean anything he had said? Was he regretting his decisions? And did he still love her?
He answered her the most honest way he could. He told her that getting his feelings out did help and he was better. No he didn't realize he had said such harsh words and didn't mean them but at the time, was just so upset that the words flew out of his mouth. But what got to Lynn the most was when he looked her straight in the eye and told her that he NEVER regretted his decision to be with Liz and that he loved her with everything inside of him.
He just didn't know how to make it up to her and she wasn't ready to see him.
Lynn calmed her son down and told him that he probably needed to leave the house tonight to give Liz a chance to get over this because if he was around, her recovery would be pushed back. He didn't like that idea but knew his mother was right. He had to do whatever it took to make this up to Liz and if he had to leave, then he would do that.
Liz was upstairs, hurting – not only from the physical pain of the chemo – but from the pain in her heart. She had woken up when Lynn came home and could hear her yelling at Justin, then the screaming stopped and she couldn't hear what else was said. She stayed in her room, hoping that Justin wouldn't be brave tonight and come visit.
Thank goodness, he wasn't – at least while she was awake.
As night fell and the others were in bed, Justin found himself outside of Liz's bedroom. He looked around to see if his mother would catch him. He was on his way to Chris' for the night but he wanted to see Liz once more before leaving.
He leaned his head against the door and listened for her. He couldn't hear anything so assumed that she was asleep. He slowly creaked the door open and walked inside. Shuffling his long legs across the room and over to her bed, he knelt by her body. There was enough light in the room for him to make her form out and in the dark, she didn't appear to be sick.
He didn't see her pale face, her hairless head, her withered skin, nothing but his Ebby. She laid there breathing softly as she slept and he felt a tug on his heart. She was fine. She was doing the best she could – although he had destroyed her, she was still here. He didn't think that if he was in her position, he wouldn't have made it this far.
He knew that she was so much better than he ever deserved and thanked the heavens for bringing her to him so he could learn what true love really meant. He looked at her and saw the one person he wanted in his life no matter what the problems. No matter what she looked like. No matter if she would be sick for months. No matter anything. His heart began beating faster when he felt that twinge inside. That spark that he needed to pull himself out of this was ignited and he leaned over to place a soft kiss on Liz's forehead.
He whispered to her, vowing right there that he would make it up to her. He would be the man she trusted with her life. He wouldn't let her down again. "No matter what happens from here on out, I'm not giving up on you. I told you that I wouldn't let you go. Well, I'm not. I'm here for you. I just have to prove it to you somehow. And I'll find a way, I promise."
He finished and brought his head back up. He brushed his fingers over her face and nodded his head as he stood and walked out of the room. He shut the door quietly behind himself, made his way down the hall, and grabbed his bag. He left the house that night determined not to return until he could make things right.
Liz heard him leave, slowly opened her eyes in the dark and touched her cheek where his hand had just been and spoke into the silent room. "I want to believe you, Justin but I can't. Nothing you could do could make up for what happened today. Nothing."
She closed her eyes again and felt a lone tear slowly trickle down her cheek. She wiped it off and tried to find sleep again. She was too exhausted to get her hopes up and would wait to see what Justin would do.
What she didn't know was that what he was about to do would turn out to be something that would surprise her more than she ever thought and she would have no choice but to trust him again.
A few days had past and Justin had talked to his mother on the phone several times a day. He called to check on Liz and see if she was okay. Lynn told him that she was making it but this treatment was worse than the last and she was camping out in the bathroom everyday. Justin felt awful for not being there for her but he knew that now wasn't the time to be around.
She was at her weakest point and he knew that what he was going to do would shock her and she needed to be feeling better when he came back. He didn't tell his mother or anyone else what he was going to do but Chris found out when he returned home and saw him in the kitchen, staring at a small brown paper bag.
"Um J, what's inside that bag that has you all weirded out?" He asked as he walked into the room and came up to him.
Justin appeared nervous and merely opened the bag to reveal the contents. Chris didn't get it so Justin had to fill him in on what he was doing and if Chris could help. He was SHOCKED when Justin told him his plan.
"ARE YOU INSANE?" He asked, yelling at him. This was about the dumbest thing he had ever heard of. "Justin, you made a mistake before and now you think this will make up for what you've done? I don't think it will. Liz is still upset with you and you doing this is only gonna make her think you have lost your mind. You can't fix a mistake by making another one."
Justin just closed the bag, grabbed it and jumped off the chair. "Chris, you can either support me or not, but I am doing this with or without your help."
Chris just shook his head. "Now where have I heard that one before?" He questioned, disgusted that Justin would be doing this again.
"I know what I did back at my house the other day was wrong. I messed up and hurt Liz more than I thought possible but there is no other way. I have to show her that I am there for her 100% this time. She'll know that I'm serious when she sees me. By doing this, I will be able to go through this just like she is. She needs my love and if this doesn't show her how much I love her, then nothing will."
Chris heard him but still didn't believe him. "Justin, we all heard your heart-felt pleas for her before and then you said that you were second guessing your choices. Well, there can't be any second guessing after you do this. You know that. You can't take this one back. Are you sure this time?"
Justin took a deep breath and looked Chris in the eye. "When I invited Liz to stay with me, I did it for myself – thinking that it would make me not feel bad for leaving her – but what I'm about to do is all for HER. I'm not being selfish any longer. She needs me and I'm gonna give it to her. She's gonna have every bit of me this time."
Chris saw the care in his eyes and knew that he was making the right decision this time. He said a short prayer that by the time the group got back together, Justin would be back to normal or the world would definitely know something was up. One look at him and they would question why he looked the way he did.
"Okay J, what do you need me to do?" He asked as Justin threw the bag at him and smiled.
"I need you to do this. I can't do it by myself."
The two made their way to the bathroom and Justin sat down in a chair that Chris brought him. He fidgeted in the seat while Chris set things up. Justin's breathing became heavier when he heard a buzzing noise and gasped as he felt Chris touch him. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on Liz's face and not what was happening.
'This is for you, Ebby.' He repeated as Chris got to work.
She better appreciate what you're doing man, or you're gonna look like a fool." Chris told him as he continued to help his friend.
"She will, I hope."