***Author's note: Before most of the entries there are poems, quotes, or songs written in. I have indicated where I got them from: emails, artists, etc. Most of them are from ME so please don't use them on your site unless you email me first. They may not be very good to you but I wrote most of them when I was much younger and wanted to put them in here. Thanks : ) ***
They said I would be a heartbreaker…but I never thought it would be my own heart I'd break.
"Mom, come quick." The young girl said as she motioned with her hands wildly to get her mother's attention.
A small, petite woman in her early 40's scrambled to reach her daughter. "Honey, what is it?" She asked, out of breath. "What did you find?"
The mother looked to her child…well child no longer applied. Her daughter was now a full-fledged teenager, with hormones and all. Probably another romance novel, she thought.
"Mom, look at this." Her daughter said as she held up an old, worn book.
Her mother had to squint to read the cover. "The…Dream…Journal." She finally got out. This book had definitely been through a lot to make it here to the community yard sale that the church held to raise money for a new chapel.
"See, it has all these entries in it. Whomever it belonged to, he or she must have put a lot of thought into it." She began thumbing through a couple of pages, reading bits and pieces. "It has tons of poems and songs in it. Look –"
She showed her mother one page that was decorated with hearts and stars and flowers. It reminded her of the Lucky Charms cereal box. "This has to be the work of a girl. Hey, maybe she's my age." She looked at the first page but there was no name or information on the owner of the book.
She turned to the lady that sold the books. "Excuse me but do you know anything about this one?" She held up the journal for the lady to see.
"No I'm sorry I don't. A lot of these books were donated to us by people in the community so it must be someone from around here, but I can't say for sure."
She thanked the woman then turned back to her mom. "Can I –"
She didn't need to finish her sentence. Her mother immediately interrupted. "Yes you can. It's only $4.00 so I think I can afford it, but you can't stay up reading it and neglecting your homework, do you understand?"
Her daughter nodded her head and thanked her mom. She clutched the book close to her heart and smiled all the way back to the car. She had found someone's treasure, their journal, their most private secrets, their thoughts and feelings, and she had it in her hands to read. She was giddy with excitement over her new purchase.
The whole way home she kept trying to sneak a peek at the book but her mom made her shut it. "Jes, I told you not until after supper and then homework, remember?"
"Yeah I hear ya." She replied. "But since I can't read the book, can I at least look at some of the pictures in it?"
She heard a chuckle come from the driver's side of the car she rode in and a muffled 'yes' from its occupant.
"Thanks." She said flipping through the entire book searching for the pictures she had seen when she first opened it up.
She stopped on one particular page that was filled with cutouts from magazines. There was a picture of a key, a lion's face, hearts, stars, and a rainbow. Jes smiled to herself when she saw this page. By this one page, she could tell that the girl in question loved all these things, as Jes did.
She must be a dreamer, an artist maybe. She thought to herself. The way the pictures were cut and arranged to fit the page looked like something out of a dream. She searched for more pages like that one but her mother stopped her.
"Jes, time to put the book up, we're home and I need your help getting supper ready so when Steven and your dad get home from ball practice, it'll be done." Her mother said to the young girl as she exited the car.
Jes slowly opened her own door then shut it and followed her mother into the house to prepare their meal. "Whatever you say." She ran upstairs and placed the book on her dresser so she would see it first and remember to read it before bed.
Supper ended and so did her studying. Jes was getting ready for bed when she reached over and grabbed the journal in her hands and sat on her bed. 'Only a couple of pages tonight and then off to bed' her mother had told her before she too settled in her own bedroom.
Jes opened the journal to the first page and began to learn about the young girl whom it once belonged to…
April 5
I can remember not too long ago
You are not really a diary so I won't start with 'dear diary'. I'll just say "HEY!"
Okay, so what happened today, do you ask? Well a whole hell of a lot. Oops, sorry, my mom would kill me if she heard me talk like that…hey, she won't read this, so I can say whatever I want to, right? Why am I talking to you like you are real? Maybe it's because I feel like I need a friend right now. I just got you for my birthday from my best friend just before he left me. He moved away, and I don't know where. All I know is that he told me if I ever needed to say anything, just write it down in here and someday he'll read it. What the hell is he talking about? If he moves away how is he suppose to read you?
Oh, well, I guess I should just humor him and go for it.
So, anyway, today sucked big time!!! I had a test in math, a history report due that I totally forgot about, and to top it off, HE sat with me at lunch. Gees, I can't get rid of him to save my life. He's nice and all but can you say 'CLINGY'. He sticks to me like glue or something and all because I said 'Hi' to him. I know he is new in school but come on. Oh, he's cute and all, and funny, and charming, and smart, and a complete nuisance.
He just moved here from some hick town or something, I don't remember. He talks really strange and has the nastiest hair I have ever seen. All the girls in school think he is either really weird, like I do, or they fall at his feet.
He tells them all the time that he is going to be a famous singer someday…yeah right. The only thing he could be famous for are those God-awful farts he produces everyday we have tacos for lunch.
I guess I should be nicer to him but dang, he keeps following me around school. He tells me all the time that I was the first person that was nice to him and he wants to be friends, well I have enough friends and besides, the last guy friend I had, left me. He was my best friend and more importantly, my first kiss.
I'll never forget that day. We were jumping on his parents' waterbed and his mom walked in on us. Needless to say we were busted and got in huge trouble. She started to yell at us and I felt really bad. He must have felt sorry for me and leaned over and kissed me right there. Ever since that day, we have been the best of friends, or so I thought.
He moved away almost two months ago and hasn't tried to call or write. This sucks!
Anyway, back to HIM. Lord, I can't even say his name. There's really no need to. Every time he comes up to someone new he always introduces himself, first, middle, and last name. It's too weird for me.
Look, I have to go, my nagging little brother is coming up the stairs and if he sees me writing in here, he will never give up until he knows what you say. So, bye for now: )
ME
When the happiest day of my life turned to stone
On the anniversary of my birth I got warm thoughts
And gifts from my close friends
There was only one thing that went wrong
For on that day of celebration I lost my best friend. (ME)
Jes turned the page to see many more entries but gave up reading for the night. She was far too tired to read any more. Maybe this journal isn't that great after all. I don't even know who 'ME' is talking about. I don't know, maybe it'll get better the more I get into it. She said to herself as she closed the book and turned off the light to find the sleep she needed that night.
May 29
It lies between the boundaries of fantasy and reality
Okay, sorry I haven't written to you in like forever but I have had a really busy few weeks. School is finally out for the summer…YEA! I have the whole summer to lounge around by the pool, get a tan, see my friends, and be lazy. Thank you for summer, God.
So what's been going on, you ask? Well nothing too big but I definitely have some guy news to share…I think I'm in love. I mean real honest to goodness love here. Not that puppy-dog junk my parents talk about. They think I'm too young to be in love but I know I am. The only problem is that his best friend is HIM. ARGH! He is always around us and we never get any time together. I know I am young and all but I want to be alone with him. Oh well. He'll be gone soon. He got a job on some TV show or something and is going to be shooting it all summer and next year so he won't be around much, thank the Lord. He is more annoying than ever before. I guess I can tolerate it a little while longer, if I must.
Onto this guys. He's amazing and…
It waits for no one or can wait a lifetime
It's a shinning star, a clear blue sky
It can be the worst nightmare or total joy
Sickness is a side effect as is happiness
Once it comes it never fully leaves
It can last forever or it can be never
It can bring togetherness or only bring despair
The brain can't think of it, the heart can only feel it
So when it hits remember only the heart feels it presence
And once the heart is broken, it can never be the same
So treat it with care and never give up on it
That is what LOVE is. (ME)
Jes was interrupted when her older brother came into her room. "Hey, mom said to get your butt downstairs now. We have to get going to the game." He said as he turned and left her room.
She sighed. She had to go to another one of his baseball games. She hated to go to them. Sitting in the hot sun, watching a bunch of testosterone driven 15 year-olds try to out do each other was not her kind of fun. But she knew she had to go.
She quickly closed the journal and placed it firmly under her arm. She would read it while she suffered through the game.
September 15
I was so young, so blind that I couldn't see reality.
SHIT! I HATE GUYS! I HATE THEM! I HATE LIFE! Can you tell I'm pissed?
Well to make a long story short, he cheated on me. Can you believe that? He actually cheated on me and didn't even flinch when I confronted him about it. He just said 'sorry' and left. Why is this happening to me? I got back from summer break and started school with no problems but then he hits me with the news that he wants to be with someone else. And to make matters worse, she's like still in kindergarten or something. Really, she is like two years younger than me. What am I going to do?
I thought he was it. I thought he was the one for me. I guess I should just chalked this up as the first of many loves I'll have in my life and move on but DAMMIT why did he have to cheat on me? Why?
ME
I thought you cared but it seems you don't know how.
I trusted you and you let me down.
I shared my soul with you and in return you gave me nothing.
When I first met you I thought you were the one for me.
I found out you were only using me to get your way.
I do not hate you but myself for thinking that you loved me.
Although you hurt me badly I will grow stronger and will never fall for this again.
In years to come, I will be ashamed to tell people about you,
My First Love. (ME)
Jes felt bad for 'ME'. She too had been cheated on by her boyfriend and knew what this girl must have felt like. The next few entries were filled with the words 'dumb ass', 'dip shit', and other words she had never thought of saying out loud. This girl was burned bad and Jes knew it.
She skipped those entries because she didn't think her brain could handle the language the young girl spoke of.
She turned a few pages to an entry that must have been a year later. It struck her so that she had to flip back to read the last entry to see what she missed. The first one was…
July 28
I thought this was really it. Our friendship had grown.
God, why me? Why does this always happen to me? I didn't even like him six months ago and now this. Gees, I am such a fool. Will I ever find someone who will love ME?
ME
We had become closer. I knew we were meant to be.
Then she walked by. One sight of her made you shiver all over.
Your palms grew sweaty and you could say nothing at all.
This was the girl that you had been waiting for. She was beautiful and glamorous.
She was exactly what you wanted and you said this would not affect our friendship.
But how could you know it would. For the girl that turned you upside-down was…
My Best Friend. (ME)
February 8
Have you ever thought that you had met someone one before but couldn't place their face? That happened to me today. You will never guess who I ran into? Come on, you can do it. I'll give you three guesses but you'll only need one…that's right, I ran into HIM.
I didn't recognize him at first, he seemed different to me, a little taller maybe, I don't know, just different. Anyway, me and my best friend Elise got to sit in the audience of this new TV show we had heard about and there he was. Not sitting with us but ON STAGE! I knew he had left to do a show but I didn't think it was this one. Man he is lucky.
Where am I going with this…oh yeah, so afterwards we got to hang out with the people on the show and I walked up to him and introduced myself. And you know what? That dumb-butt didn't remember me. ME? I couldn't believe it. I stood there staring at him and then decided I would jog his memory. I reminded him about the time when I had forgotten my math assignment and he changed the name on his paper and turned it in under my name. You know, I remember him doing a lot of sweet things like that for me…woah, wait a minute, I don't like him and never will.
Okay, anyway, he remembered me and we talked for like forever until we all had to go home. He said he'd call me when he had some free time and we could get together but who knows. He'll just probably lose my number and never call. They all do.
Till later,
ME
Jes still didn't understand the meaning between the two entries so she searched the book for the missing one or two that would explain what happened between February and July but she never did. The pages must have been torn out for some reason or another.
What concerned her the most was the fact that this girl appeared to be a stuck up snob. She acted like she was better than everyone around her by her words but the drawings in the book and the pictures and poems she had in it told Jes something else about her. She was a dreamer of sorts. She quoted lines from books all the time on love – lost and found. She knew what she wanted but couldn't find it.
Jes didn't know how old this girl was but everything indicated she was probably around 12 or 13 when the entries took place because the way she wrote and the words that came from her mouth were that of a young girl just finding her way in this world.
Her first kiss was in there. Her first crush was there, too. Her first date, first love, first heartbreak, first everything, except…well, Jes didn't want to read about that just yet.
She scanned through the pages and then realized that the young girl was no longer young. After the last entry in July, it hadn't been written in for years. She realized that from the next entry…