May 4
What would you do if you knew, if you only knew how I feel about you
Well, I just found you in a box in the attic and thought I'd come to say 'Hi'. I've read over and over the entries in here and I'll have to tell you that I am still as sappy as ever, but this time I have good reason. I know you're probably saying to yourself, if you could speak, 'here she goes again' but really this time I am serious. I finally found him, and I mean HIM. I have been on a search around this world to find him, the one who completed my being but the funny thing is that I just realized he was always with me.
I never understood it before how much one person could affect my life. You never know when your paths will cross and even if you do, there is nothing you can do about it. I met him so long ago but didn't know it was to be him that I would feel this way towards.
I guess I should catch you up on the past few years.
Well, after Elise and I had a few choice words over her stealing HIM away from me, even though he was never mine to begin with, I withdrew from my normal circle of friends, the snobbettes, people used to call us. Yes I was a snob, and a bitch, and probably every other word imaginable. I never took the time to get to know someone for who they were. I was just interested in their looks and stuff like that. I am SO glad I wised up to what was around me. It took one day with HIM to make me realize what I was missing by closing myself off to 99% of the world.
He and Elise didn't last for too long and after that, we lost track of each other. Several years later, I ran into him around town and we struck up a conversation. We seemed to pick up right where we had left off and soon became friends. We would call each other all the time but he was always gone, out of town, he would say. I never knew where until a year later when I happened to see his face plastered all over CD covers in the music store I visited. I was furious with him for not telling me about his career but he said it was because he wanted me to like him for him and not because he was soon to be famous over here. He had been traveling with his group for the past year over in Europe and now they were heading back home to conquer America.
I couldn't believe that I was friends with someone like him. At first I was all giddy and wanted to tell everyone about it but one day changed all that.
He invited me to go out with him to the movies but first he needed to stop off and get some money. He parked his car in front of the bank and as he was walking back to the car, a girl came running up to him and pretty much tackled him from behind. I expected him to slap her or push her away but he didn't. He kindly smiled at her and let her hang all over him. I thought he was just on an ego trip at that point but he wasn't.
When he got back into the car, I asked him what was her problem and he said that she just wanted to meet him and thank him for what his music had done for her and her sister. He explained that the girl's sister and her didn't talk much or even got along with one another until they heard his groups' CD playing and soon that helped them form a bond and they began talking to each other again.
I thought that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard and when I laughed at him, he got the meanest look on his face and kicked me out of his car. He literally kicked me out for laughing. I was mortified to say the least. I had to call a cab to come and bring me home. We didn't speak for days until I finally got the courage up to call and apologize to him. He told me that the way I reacted to someone's appreciation, was horrible and if I wanted to be his friend than I needed to act like one.
We talked a lot that night and suddenly I began to realize just how special he was. He loved what he was doing. He loved the fact that he could bring so much to so many. He loved his band mates. He loved traveling the globe. He loved his LIFE. I saw through his eyes everything I wanted to be and everything I wanted. He gave me his friendship and welcomed me into his life with open arms.
Nothing every physically happened between us in the past years but boy did I wish it would have. Man, he grew up to be HOT! I know I sound 12 again, but it's so true. But for some reason, now when I look at him, I don't see the perfect smile, the beautiful blue eyes, the tight butt…sorry, I had to add that in. Anyway, I only see the man he has become and the wonderful and amazing person he is inside. He captured my heart and I know I will never be the same because of it, but I haven't said anything to him about it, yet.
Maybe later?
ME
Would you run away, laugh at me, or take me in your arms
And say you feel the same that we were meant to be
What would you do if you knew, if you only knew how as each night falls
So does my strength to tell you what you say you want to hear
And when dawn breaks so begins another day of hope that today will be the day
I tell you what I pray you already knew
Do you see into my soul when you look into my eyes
Can you tell how I feel though I can't describe what's inside
All the times we joke and tease, 'pretend' is what you always say
Are you covering up the way you feel with these games we play
If so, this is one game I wish would never end
Can't you tell you are more to me than just a friend
And what am I to you
Once I thought I saw something in your face
A small sparkle in your eyes, a slight change to your smile
Maybe it was just hope that you feel the same
Maybe there is more to this than we care to admit
I don't want to pretend anymore
I want this to be real, I want US to be real
So, what would you do if you knew
If you only knew how I feel about you
(Please say you know exactly how I feel?) (ME)
Jes read the words and wondered where this was leading. She wasn't even to the middle of the journal and this young woman was here writing in something designated for that of a much younger girl. She had to smile at that. For someone to feel that they could write down their feelings and be honest with a piece of paper wasn't something that was just for teens, but for anyone who felt the need to get the words and feelings out. This woman needed something…maybe understanding about her life and how it changed…maybe about the young man she seemed so upset with when she met him as a child and now was infatuated with as an adult. Who knows for sure. All Jes was interested in was finding out how their story ended.
December 7
Best friends, Childhood memories, Sunbeams (God's Watching), Raindrops on the window, slow songs, rainbows, feeling the wind in your face, slow dancing, dreams, laughing, fireflies, honeysuckle's, wild flowers, rose petals, walking in the rain, blue eyes, sunsets, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, the sound of the ocean at night, the feel of a hot shower after a long day, the smell of fresh cut grass, jumping on a trampoline, swinging at the park, lemonade, butterflies, holding hands, the smell of Twizzlers, four-leafed clovers, butterscotch, and candles.
He asked me once what my thoughts of Heaven were and I made this list. Everything on it would make up my own Heaven on earth. And you know the funny thing is that ever since that day, almost a month ago, I have gotten a package in the mail from him from different parts of the country with my 'Heaven' inside.
One package contained a box of peanut butter cups, twizzlers and butterscotch candies laying on top of a bunch of grass. I laughed so hard at that one. He was just too good to me. My favorite one had a single four-leafed clover pressed into a small frame. On the back of the frame he had written: 'I don't need this to know I am lucky…because I have you'. He made me cry that day. The first time I had actually cried because I was happy and it was because of him.
I can't tell you how much I miss him when he is gone. I have tried to find things to bide my time while he is away but even with the constant studying I do for school, I can't seem to shake him from my mind… or is it my heart?
He is off on another tour of the country. A two and a half-month escapade across this fine land we call home. Him and the guys are having a hard time right now with a lot of legal woes so I am trying to lend an ear to him and help but I don't know how much I really can. He thanks me all the time but I can tell he is really upset over this. He feels betrayed by those people he trusted the most but I only feel hate towards them. He would never hate anyone so I do it for him.
I hear the pain in his voice over the phone and it breaks my heart. He and the other guys are just so wonderful and kind and don't deserve the problems they are facing. I wish I could just hold him in my arms and make this all go away and I think that's what frustrates me the most because I can't.
He is suppose to come home soon and I can't wait to see him. I still haven't told him how I feel about him, I just can't. I don't want to mess up our friendship and besides, he has tons of girls all over him every day, why would he go for me?
Oh, well, I guess I'll go wallow in my own self-pity for a while before I get back to Anthropology, fun…fun.
ME
Jes was becoming addicted to this journal. She read it every chance she got. For some strange reason, she felt she knew who at least one of the people in the book was but she shrugged off that feeling knowing she must be joking. No way was she reading a journal about a girl in love with someone she just heard on the radio. Not in this small town. Things like that just didn't happen here.
She pushed those thoughts to the side for now and continued to read.
Jan 15
I always thought that my life was going nowhere on an endless road. I dreamt of being loved but never thought I'd be able to return that love. I dreamt of loving someone brave and strong but never thought that I would have those qualities of your someone special. You have taken me off that lonely road and put me into your heart. You have shown me the true meaning of love. You have turned a scared little child into a confident human being capable of accomplishing anything. You have shown me that the world isn't as bad as it may seem. When I am down you cheer me up with just a few little words. When I feel as though I can't go on any longer you take my hand and show me a new side of life. I know I will never be able to repay you for everything you have done for me but everything I have is yours…forever! (ME)
Okay, that is the letter I sent him. Oh, God why did I do it? Everything was going great. He came home for Christmas and I got to spend a few days with him before he left for New Years and now I go and do this. What will he think of me? Will he read it as a 'friendly' note or will he see right through it and tell how much I really love him.
Why? Why did I do it? Please let him be kind to me after he reads it. Please.
ME
Jes was really getting into to this journal now. She could tell the situation between the two was heating up and 'ME' had finally told him how she felt…so to speak, without coming out and saying 'I Love You' to him. She quickly flipped the page over to see what came next…
Jan 17
For only through tears can we recognize the suffering that lies in another's eyes.
HE CALLED! But I only got the message. I was out with some friends when he called. He said he wanted to come over and talk to me tonight if that was okay. Okay? Okay? Lord YES it's okay…as long as it's good things he wants to talk about. He didn't sound upset over the phone so I don't know for sure. Maybe when he gets here he'll change his tone and yell and scream at me for messing up our relationship, who knows. Just keep your fingers crossed for me…er…sorry, keep your pages folded? Is that more like it?
Talk to ya in a few,
ME
Jan 18
With every mistake a new understanding will emerge
He did it. He broke my heart. I can't really blame him, I guess. I should have realized we were destined to be just friends but still, why did he say all those hateful things to me?
Let me rehash the terror for you:
He came over last night about 8:00 and we sat on the couch watching TV for a while. My roommate was out last night, thank goodness. I would have hated her to hear this. After a few minutes he turned to me and took my hands in his. I thought this was it. I thought by the way he looked at me that he felt the same. Boy was I wrong. He opened his mouth to say he loved me too, I just knew it, but instead, he said that he couldn't believe I had done this to him. WTF? Done what to him…love him? Sue me you jerk. Sorry for caring.
Anyway, he got a look on his face that I hadn't seen before and I thought he was about to spit fire. He said that I took advantage of his friendship and a relationship with me was the last thing he needed or wanted right now. I should have just kept my mouth shut and not told him how I felt. Everything was going great until I sent him the letter.
Excuse me numb-nuts but I had every right to tell you how I felt. Sure I debated whether or not to tell him but I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't be around him and feel this way without acting on it and didn't want to upset him if I did. Well, I surely upset him with this news.
He slammed his hand down on the coffee table and nearly made my cat piss on herself. He stormed out of my apartment, refusing to even care about the tears that were flowing down my face. What a bastard, I hope he's happy now with all those hoochies that flock to him, never once seeing the man I once saw in him. Loving him for himself and not his star status.
God, no matter how much he hurt me or how bad I feel right now, I know that I will still love him and that thought kills me.
Never again!!!
ME
From all evil, good will overcome
Forgive and forget
How can any of these apply to this pain
Every sorrow makes part of it chip away
Glue back the pieces and it seems complete again
But after a while all the glue in the world can't hide it's appearance
Then all it takes is one solid hit and it's all over
The battle of good and evil is gone
And all that remains are the broken pieces
But try, try once more to fix it
It's too important to give up on
But why does it not want to be fixed this time?
Is it scared, afraid of being broken again
Is it mad at those who broke it
Or does it feel dumb to have put itself back together so many times
Just in time to be broken again
The answer is it's tired of the fight
Tired of the lies and disappointments
And all it wants to do is rest
For putting itself back together is too much of a risk to take
And it's been broken so many times
That it wouldn't even know where to begin:
~My Heart~ (ME)
Jes finished the entry and quickly wiped the tears off her face. At first she was sad because of the poem 'ME' had written in the beginning, Jes loved the way each entry contained a poem or quote from her. But by the end of the entry, Jes' tears had turned to anger. She couldn't believe that HE would turn on her and not return her feelings. They seemed like such close friends, and according to 'ME' he wasn't with another girl right then. Her heart went out to her and she hoped that by the look of the journal and the many entries that remained, that maybe she would eventually find someone who would love her as much as she did him.