Jes sat at her desk in her room and stared at the book in her hand. She wasn't sure if she wanted to read anymore of its words. Somewhere there was a girl whose heart was shattered by every guy she came in contact with. It started with her best friend whom she had first kissed and ended with the man of her dreams. But that was the problem. He was everyone else's dream too. Jes was still unsure of who he was but had a pretty good idea but decided she would finish the book before she put a name to the character. She didn't want to bring judgement to him or think about who he really was until he had a name from 'ME'.
That was another thing. Jes hadn't been able to find out who 'ME' was. Was 'ME' the initials for someone or was it just the girls way of telling her journal that it was her writing in it and not someone else. Jes had done that to her friends before. She would call them up and say, 'Hey it's me. What's going on?' But she didn't know if that was what 'ME' meant. Maybe later she would figure it out.
April 5
Suppose I called you up tonight and told you that I love you
Well, that is the letter I received yesterday from him. It came in a box with dried rose petals in it. I don't know what to think. We haven't spoken to each other since that night he walked out on me in January. Now I'm suppose to take him back and be his friend again…or maybe more. Is he trying to tell me that he loves me now? Ugh…this sucks. I have been so hurt by him to the point that whenever I hear their songs on the radio or see them on TV, I feel nauseous and want to throw up. He acts so sweet and caring towards total strangers but can't even be civil with me. But now this!
He is all I ever think about and all I want but is it too late? Am I too far gone, too hurt by his betrayal to forgive him and welcome him back? I don't know. Some nights when I can't sleep, I walk down to the park that is by my apartment and sit in the swing. I can feel the light wind in my face and when I close my eyes, I can hear him call my name. If I concentrate real hard, I can feel his hands touch my back and push me higher and higher in the swing. But when I open them up, all I see is darkness and emptiness. He was the closest thing I had to a lover in years though we never touched. What he brought out in me was my true self and I can't thank him enough for that. The love he showed me as a friend will be forever implanted in my heart but is it too late for anything more?
I told him how much he meant to me and he got angry and left. Telling me I was the bad one for being honest. I am still hurt and very upset because of that but now I don't know. I understand he has been through a lot this past year but that is no excuse for treating me the way he did. I wish I was strong enough to forgive him but in order to do that, I have to let go and I'm not ready for that just yet.
I wish you could tell me what to do.
ME
And suppose I said I want to come back home
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone
If I told you that I realized you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away
Would you tell me that you love me too?
And would we cry together or would you simply laugh at me and say
I told you so, oh I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawling and asking me to take you in
I told you so but you had to go
Now I've found somebody new
And you will never break my heart in two again
If I got down on my knees and told you I was your forever
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand
Would we get that old-time feeling
Would we laugh and talk for hours
The way we did when our love first began
Would you tell me that you've missed me too
And that you've been so lonely and you waited for the day that I returned
And we'd live and love forever
And that I'm your one and only
Or would you simply laugh at me and say
I told you so… (Randy Travis – I Told You So)
Jes read the last line and wished she knew who the woman was that had written this. She wished she could reach through the pages and into the woman's life and help her. But she wasn't sure what she would say. Part of her wanted the woman to slap him across the face and not think twice about it. No matter how famous he was, he shouldn't treat his 'friends' like dirt. But another part of her read over the lines of the song he wrote down for her and could feel that he was afraid of what he had done to her and if she would ever forgive him. He knew he screwed up and prayed she could find it in her heart to take him back.
April 17
If you love something
Well, we talked last night. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not but I decided to give him a chance to explain himself to me. He told me he had had a lot on his mind and needed to tell me why he acted the way he did in January. I listened to him closely, trying to find some false statements but I couldn't.
He said that in a nut-shell, he had rejected me because he was scared. He was scared of what the fans would do if they found out he was with someone since they already linked him to every female he came in contact with. He said he was scared that he wouldn't be able to be the person I made him out to be. He would fail me somehow because he didn't have a lot of time to spend making a relationship work. He said he was scared that I would be second or even third to his music and fans and he thought I deserved to be loved by someone who would put me ahead of everything else in life.
But what really got to me was that he said he was scared because his dream was coming true and that frightened him. I had no idea what he was talking about so he told me about meeting me all those years ago in the hallway at school. He said that the moment I said 'hello' to him, he was hooked. He spent the next few months glued to me hoping I would show interest in him but never did. His heart was broken when I didn't return his affection and I thought that maybe this was his way of getting even with me, but it wasn't.
He said that when he left to go on the TV show, he missed me terribly but was too afraid I'd laugh at him and think he was stupid or something so he never called. Then when me and Elise ran into him a year later, he said he felt the same thing for me but Elise was the one who wanted his attention and I didn't. He couldn't take the rejection again so he pushed me off to the side and went for my best friend.
After they broke up he never called, still too chicken, I guess, but when I finally did see him again, he could tell I had changed. Maybe I wasn't all he thought I used to be and even though we became friends, he knew his schedule wouldn't allow him the feelings he still had for me. But for some reason when he read my letter and realized that I did finally feel the same way about him, he freaked. He had waited years for me to return his affection but when I did, he thought it was too late.
That was until he was faced with the thought of going through life without the one person, other than his family and buddies that truly understood him and loved him for him. The fans didn't know him but still wanted his affection for a brief moment to tell their friends about. They used his trusting nature against him and made him more jaded in the process. The past few months he had withdrawn from them and many people called him names for it. They said he was 'stuck up', a 'prick', 'he thinks he's better than everyone else', and even a few choice names he refused to tell me.
I had no idea of any of this because like I said, I disregarded anything and everything to do with him. But by our phone conversation, I could hear the pain in his voice and the longing for things to be as they were when times were simpler and we could go out and laugh and have a good time. His life was too complicated right now and he was being pulled in every direction but the only way HE wanted to go was straight to me.
What do I do now?
He is coming home in a few days and wants to see me. I told him it would be okay but now I am scared. I want to forgive him. I want to be his friend. I want to be MORE than friends but I don't know if I can tell him that. I am still so hurt by how he treated me but now I know that he felt the same hurt for years when I rejected him over and over again.
Listen, I have to go. I got a phone call that I have to take. I am trying to intern this summer for a television station here in town. From everything he told me about the show he was on, all I can think about is getting on TV. Man, that would be great!
Talk to ya soon,
ME
Set it free
If it comes back to you
It's yours…
If it doesn't
It was never meant to be.
"Jes, phone."
Jessica nearly crapped in her pants at that moment. She had just read where 'ME' had a phone call and now she had one. Creepy huh?
When she returned to her room, she picked the book back up and turned the page. She noticed something different about this one and flipped the pages to see if the same thing was on them. They all were different. They all were missing dates. She would have to read the book as it was and not know when any of the events took place.
She didn't have any idea when the book was written but at least with the date on the entries, she could tell when the years past and stuff like that. She hoped that 'ME' would write enough in her entries to let her know when things were happening.
Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt and Dance like no one's watching. (Email on Happiness.)
I have to believe in that. I have to go on with my life and be happy for a chance at LIFE. I can't let the things in the past determine who I am and what I feel towards others…okay, towards him. I love him, that much I know. I have loved him for so long but couldn't tell him. When I did tell him, he got mad and left, only to return a few months later, begging for my affection again. I wasn't sure if I could give it to him, but I know that if I don't…if I don't give him my love, then I am only going to hurt myself more.
He is on his way over here any minute and wants to talk. He just got back last night but said he'd be over bright and early today to see me. I hope all goes well. I'll finish this entry after he leaves…
TBC…
ME
Oh My Lord!!! You are never going to believe me when I tell you what happened between us. Sit back and…well, scratch that, you can't sit back. Oh well, just listen then.
He came over around 8:30 this morning, right after I wrote the first part of this entry. Anyway, I was so incredibly nervous to see him but excited at the same time. I hadn't seen him in months and wondered if he had changed at all.
I can tell you that I wasn't prepared to see just how much he had changed.
I opened the door to my apartment and there before me stood a skeleton of the man I knew. His face was caved in on the sides. His clothes, although weren't too big in size, hung off his body. His beautiful eyes were encircled by dark lines and he looked so pale.
I invited him in immediately and without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. I couldn't believe he looked this bad. He looked like someone just rescued him from a deserted island he had been at for months. He just wasn't right and I wanted to hold him and make whatever happened to him, go away.
Well, we talked for a while after I finally let him go. We sat on the couch and he told me about his travels and how all the guys looked like him too. They had had a rough couple of weeks and worked overtime and just didn't find the time to take care of themselves. He said that once he was home, he would be okay and get back to his normal self in a hurry…on one condition. I didn't know what he was talking about and so he explained to me that he had other reasons for not taking care of himself besides a busy schedule.
He had realized how much of an ass he had made of himself and desperately tried to figure out a way to get my friendship back. I cringed when I heard him say 'friendship' because I knew that meant there was nothing else. I guess he could tell how that affected me because he took my hands in his own and looked me straight in the eyes, and told me 'and maybe more'. That was enough for me. Right then and there I vowed to make sure we would be 'more'.
We talked a few more minutes and I told him that I would forgive him for the way he acted if he could forgive me for the way I treated him all those years ago. He never answered me and that made me very nervous. I was afraid that maybe I hurt him too much and he wouldn't be able to get past it. Boy was I wrong. All I remember is closing my eyes and praying to hear his voice speak the words I wanted to hear but instead, I felt his lips on mine. Can I tell you this, that boy CAN kiss, DAMN! I thought the world was spinning, seriously, and I didn't want it to stop. But unfortunately it did.
When we finally became aware of what had just happened, he was the first to speak and he told me that he had wanted to do that since he first walked me home from school in 7th grade. I couldn't believe I was sitting here, listening to an international celebrity telling me that he had wanted to kiss me for so long. I was in total shock to say the least. I just didn't see him as others did.
I saw him as the boy who drove me crazy by following me around school every day and bugging the crap out of me. The boy that stood up for me when my boyfriend and his best friend treated me like dirt and cheated on me. The boy who grew up to be the man in front of me that always was there for me. Always giving me an ear to listen to. A shoulder to cry on. And two arms that would hold me tight when things were wrong. He wasn't the famous man every one else saw and I think that is what he cherished the most from me.
We decided to take things slow and see where they would lead. He and I both want to be with one another but with his tight schedule and me trying to finish up school and possible intern this summer, I'm not sure how we are going to do it. We have always been able to continue our friendship but this is something different. I know he will probably date other people and that is fine with me. I don't want to tie him down to just me, that wouldn't be fair. And all I asked him was that he be very honest with me and if he ever wanted out to just tell me and I would let him go.
He tried to tell me that he didn't want to go out with anyone else and I said okay but just between you and me, I know he is with someone else…well sort of. I'm not sure if he knows that I know but I do. Their relationship is a complicated one but I do know that when they are around, they go out and do…well, stuff. It's really not my place to say that what he is or isn't doing is right but I just hope it doesn't get thrown in my face because he is with me too.
Lord, let this work out, please.
ME
Jes screamed when she read about them getting together…sort of. She was happy they finally put everything aside and found each other. She felt that maybe one day she would have that too, with her best friend. He meant the world to her and she loved him dearly but was too afraid to say anything to him. It was as if 'ME' was living out Jes' life and she could only continue to read and see if everything worked out. If it did, then maybe Jes would follow in her footsteps and tell her best friend how she felt.
She flipped the page and continued to read.