Watch your thoughts; they become words.
I keep repeating those words to myself. This has been a terrible couple of weeks mixed in with the best times of my life. So much has happened that I don't even know where to start.
I got that intern job for the summer but there was a BIG change to what I thought I'd be doing. For some reason, I was given the opportunity to be on a kid show that Nickelodeon was doing this summer. I was beside myself. I guess they liked the way I interviewed or something because they called a few days later and told me that they wanted me to do a show instead of being behind the scenes as an intern. I'm still not exactly sure of what this will entail but I am SO excited about it.
I am going to be working with another guy and hosting a 'Double-Dare' / 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' thing for kids. It should be a lot of fun and the producers are going to work with my schedule in the Fall if all goes well this Summer they'll let me stay on. I can't wait. I have met the cast and crew and they all seem really great. Filming starts in a couple of days.
Things with him and me are going wonderful as well. We are getting really close and have decided to not see other people right now. We want to concentrate on just each other and not worry about anyone else. I hope I am not making a mistake with this. He is so loved around the world and I know when people find out about us, they will flip. I was hoping that it would be our little secret but unfortunately, someone found out and wanted to expose it. Let me explain.
We went to the beach the other day to celebrate me finishing another year of college. This year totally sucked but that's another story. Anyway, he and his friends were all hanging out, having a picnic/bar-b-que thing, playing sand football, and just having a great time. Well we decided to take a walk on the beach just the two of us.
We didn't make it very far when he started kicking sand on me and I pushed him too hard and he fell into the water. He got up and started chasing me down the beach and I know I screamed like a sissy but I didn't care. I was having too good a time with him to care what anyone around us thought of me.
When he finally caught up to me, he grabbed me around the waist and tackled me to the ground. I was laughing so hard that I didn't notice him stop and stare at me. From the look he was giving me I knew what he wanted to do and when he got closer to me, sand fell from his head and landed in my eye (I know…dummy didn't close her eyes.) He quickly got off me, helped me to my feet, and tried to get the sand out.
When he succeeded, he said to me, 'now where were we?' I could feel him grab the back of my neck and pull me closer to him. I wasn't about to take the chance of anything else ruining this so I immediately closed my eyes. I heard him chuckle to himself and I lightly punched him in the stomach before he finally kissed me.
It was amazing to say the least. Every time I think I have him pegged and know what he is going to do, he up and changes on me. The same thing applied to this kiss. It completely made me melt. I felt my knees weaken and thought I'd fall over. For some reason this kiss reached to the core of my being and grabbed a hold of my soul. I can't really explain it better than that. He was just amazing to me.
Okay, now you're probably asking where the bad part is in all this and I'm getting to it.
We returned to the picnic/bar-b-que thing and everything was fine. The next day everything was fine. Even the day after that was fine. It wasn't until the third day that things changed.
I was home watching TV, trying to get ready to go to the studio for rehearsals when one of those cheesy tabloid shows came on. I don't watch them and started to changed the channel when something caught my eye. On the screen was my boyfriend and someone who looked like…ME!
I nearly peed my pants when I heard the reporter talk about us. She made comments on how some other famous star was devastated to learn that he was cheating on her with another woman (ME). She said that the young lady in question was under the assumption that he was with her and only her but the video they showed proved otherwise. It showed us all lounging around the beach, playing and stuff and then showed us walking off by ourselves.
The reporter kept saying that maybe we were just friends but then it showed us when he started kissing me and the worst part was they split the screen with us and then him and the other girl and made a game out of it. They showed our kiss and then at the same time showed him kissing her at a party from earlier this year. The reporter said that if we were just friends like he had said he was with this other girl, then she would love to see what he would do with a real girlfriend.
I was completely shocked by this story. First off I didn't think he was with the other girl anymore, at least that's what he told me but the story made it seem like they were still together but he was going behind her back and running around with me.
The only GOOD part of the story was that NO ONE knew who I was. They kept referring to me as 'the other woman' but said they didn't know who she was, meaning me. That is the only good thing that came from this. They must have had someone in a boat out off the coast watching us. Someone probably leaked the fact that the whole group would be there that day and with friends, girls, that is and you know how the press gets when they can smell a story brewing. The were worse than the sharks that inhabited that ocean.
Well, he called me right after it was over and tried to apologize for everything. I told him I wasn't mad at him but just felt invaded by the press. I also asked if he was lying to me about not being with anyone else but me and he told me 'no'. He said that that's what these tabloids do, they take footage from something as simple as a kiss and make it out to be big. Yes he had been with her but the footage of them was taken long before they said it was. The two of them were still friends but nothing more. He was with me and no one else. I had to believe him for my own sake, right?
We're trying to move passed this and not worry so much about it since they don't know who I am but we have to be really careful now, especially since I am going on the TV show soon. More people will see me and if they recognize me from the show, which I highly doubt, the video wasn't very clear, but who knows, then maybe it could jeopardize his career and mine as well. I guess we'll have to see.
I'll let you know what happens next in this saga I call my life,
ME
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. (Frank Outlaw)
Jes finished the entry and had to physically push her mouth closed with her hand. She was coming to realize who these people were in the entries but couldn't believe that it really could be them. What she didn't understand was that if 'ME' was pouring out her guts to this book, why didn't she ever mention anyone's name in it but some friends here and there? She only referred to herself as ME and her famous boyfriend as HIM or HE. Maybe he had no name because she was afraid someone someday might see this, like Jes had and didn't want the whole thing broadcast for the world to read about her and the famous guy. Or maybe it was because she felt that the journal itself was like a friend to her and it would know who she was talking about so no names were needed. Either way, Jes felt sorry for 'ME'.
She was in college, that much Jes knew. She also must have been fairly pretty for Nickelodeon to pick her to co-host a TV show and that she had a boyfriend known well enough that the tabloids found it interesting to follow him around and dig up dirt on his love life. But what she also knew was that she must have been very lonely. The only entries she made in this book were that of him. She mentioned other friends in passing but nothing really. She seemed to have no one outside of him and that worried Jes. For a girl that looked to have it all, she was definitely showing that inside, the only one she trusted enough with her dreams was a bunch of paper.
Jes could relate to that more than she cared to admit. She put those thoughts away for now and continued to read the entries to see what would happen next. This book was addicting to her and she would stay up late at night just to read the next few pages of words this girl was writing. She wanted to learn so much about her and thought that maybe in the end, she would somewhere reveal who she was and who her boyfriend was, although, Jes had her suspicions on that.
See everything.
Okay, so I just started working a few weeks ago and everything is quite exciting right now. I found that quote in a book that I read and thought it really applied to my situation right now. I definitely need to 'see everything', though I think I need to improve a whole lot and not a little. I was so nervous about the first few days of being on the show but I am getting use to it now. It is so much fun, the kids are great and the attention I have gotten from this is wonderful. Every body has been so supportive of me and I can't thank them enough. The cast and crew are always there telling me what a great job I'm doing and I am starting to think of them as my second family. They definitely treat me better than my real family does, but like I've said before, that's a different story.
Also, my love life it spectacular. I can't believe I never gave this guy a chance when we were younger. He is just so amazing that sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure this is all real.
We made it through the 'tabloid scandal' and no one at work even knows it was me, thank the Lord for that. I don't want them worried about something like that. We are being very careful about our relationship but to tell you the truth, I wish we would just come clean with everyone and take whatever the press and fans have to throw at us. I hate sneaking around and pretending I'm not with him when he are spotted out. THIS COMPLETELY SUCKS!!!
I want to just scream sometimes but I know there is nothing I can do. I have to think of him and his career and not myself in this situation but…ugh, this sucks. Have I said that already?
Oh well, maybe something will happen and all this will be out in the open and everyone will be supportive of us…yeah right!
See ya later
ME
Overlook a great deal.
Improve a little. (Pope John XXIII)
Jes was just about to close the book when she noticed the next entry on the right side of the page. The first line caught her attention and she decided she couldn't stop now.
MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!
This can't be happening again. Why? What did I ever do to her to deserve this?
She did it. She did this to me…to him. I thought she would be okay with us going out because they had broken up so long ago, but I was wrong…I was so wrong. I guess I should explain what is going on. Just give me a minute to calm down…
Gees, where do I start? I just got a call from the producers of the show asking me to come down to the studio this morning (on my day off, none the less) and they said immediately. I went down there and waiting for me was my manager, Mark, the producers of the show and two NICK executives. I was very scared that I had done something wrong when I opened the door and saw them all staring at me.
I slowly sat down and mentally prepared myself for the words I thought I'd hear: 'You're Fired'. I SO wish that is what they said but it was worse.
They told me that they had just received a call from another tabloid paper that wanted information about my secret love life with a rather famous guy in a band. Somehow, they had gotten information from a 'close friend' that linked the two of us together and pointed out that I was indeed that girl in the video that was shot a few weeks ago.
Without thinking, I immediately denied everything but they held up pictures of the two of us together that clearly showed me in them. They were taken behind the stage at one of the appearances the guys had here in town. The only one who would have had access to us that would be a 'close friend' was none other than Elise. She was with me that day and knew about us. We thought she would be happy for us but instead was furious because she said that I was the reason they broke up in the first place. All he ever talked about was me and she got feed up with it and ended the relationship. She was jealous of me from the start and this was her way of getting even.
Well it worked!
After all the evidence was shown to me, there was nothing I could say. They told me that the press now knows and they are going to run with this story so I better come up with a good excuse fast. They said that when word gets out about us, his career and MINE could be in jeopardy. I asked why mine would be and they said that if his fans got upset over this, which were the same age bracket the watched the show, then they could potentially bring a drop in their ratings and the show could go under before it was even given a fighting chance. I asked them why it was a big deal, I mean I thought cable TV was different than public because they always have lame shows on that no one watches but no one jerks them off air.
The producers said that they don't want that kind of publicity on their network and if I didn't deny my involvement to the fans, then I may be looking for a new job! Can you believe that? They threatened my job because of who I'm dating. That just isn't right.
Well I didn't know what to say or do but I told them I had to think about it after I made a phone call. I ran outside and dialed his number and prayed I would get him. He answered, knowing it was me (caller ID I guess) and we talked about what was happening. He had heard the same thing from his manager and was told to deny it too. Neither of us wanted to do it but felt we were backed into a corner and had no choice. He told me that it would be better this way and no one would get hurt.
Well, what about hurting me?
I can't deal with this right now.
That was the end of the entry. No 'talk to ya soon', no 'ME', no nothing, it just ended. Jes felt awful for this girl for what she was going through. Just because of who she was with, who she loved, she…AND he were being punished for it. That wasn't fair in Jes' mind. She closed the book and laid it inside her desk drawer and turned out the lights. She closed her eyes to find some sleep but all she saw were their faces. She knew now who the people were in the book and knew this book wasn't as old as she thought, and she knew why it looked so worn. She remembered hearing about this a few years ago and what bothered her the most was the fact that she knew how the story would end. She heard the rumors and the gossip that surrounded them and that made her start to cry.
She couldn't believe that she had in her possession the truth behind all those rumors and maybe some of the answers to the questions that surrounded their lives.
Jes curled up in her bed and fell asleep dreaming of the two people from the book that fought everyone around them to stay together. Only three people would know exactly what went on with them, ME, HIM and now Jes.