Amorvincit omnia – Love Conquers All!
Things have been very stressful at work, to say the least. I don't know how many people know about my situation but enough know to make my life a living hell. Somehow, word got out that I had a 'meeting' with the execs and now everybody is tiptoeing around me and it's driving me crazy. I just started this show and already they are talking about replacing me…all because of who I am dating! That is SO wrong. But maybe they won't have to worry any more because there may not be a US for much longer.
Since the meeting, we haven't talked much or even seen each other. He pretty much stays away from me and hasn't called at all. I think that maybe he is going to give up on us because of all this. I don't know if I want to go on or not, either, but the stubborn side of me doesn't want to give the execs the satisfaction of having their way with my personal life. I could see them upset if I were dealing drugs or partying up a storm with a different guy every night and having THAT plastered all over newspapers, but I'm not. All I am trying to do is my job, have fun at it, and work on a relationship, that even without this job would be hard enough as it is.
What do I do?
I can't. I can't let him give up on us, not yet. It hasn't been THAT bad with the fans but that may be because they only think it is a rumor and not true since neither of us have said 'yes' or 'no' to the accusations yet. I had to look these two little girls in the eye yesterday and tell a bold face lie to them so I could keep my job. I felt like shit afterwards and ended up sick the rest of the day. All the girls wanted to know was if I KNEW him but I was told to deny anything and everything to do with him and his group.
This is so incredibly frustrating I can't even explain it. How dare a bunch of overdressed, middle-aged, balding men tell me who I can and can't date. I have the right to be with whomever I chose and I'm not about to let them dictate my life anymore. I may lose my job for this but maybe the truth will come out and hopefully when the people hear how I was fired because of this, they will be upset and make their damn ratings drop anyway. That's all they care about.
I know what I am going to do but first I have to call him and see if he is okay with me doing this. I hope he can be supportive of my decision and let me go through with it. I know he probably won't confirm what I am saying but that's okay. I just can't lie anymore and I won't do it. Its not like I want to tell people about my love life but if someone asks, I want to be able to say that 'yes I am dating him and we're having a great time'. Nothing else but that. I won't give details but I'm not going say I'm not with him when I just left his house that morning, get real.
Wish me luck…I'm gonna need it!
ME
Jes closed the book and sighed. She was keeping her fingers crossed for the two of them. Although she vaguely knew what was going on since she had heard about them, she was certain there was more to their story then what the press had said. Just this entry alone told more than she knew. Jes couldn't believe that people at a kids network, Nickelodeon itself, could be so cold hearted towards two people just going out. She never realized the ramifications that would occur for dating him. Half of the group's fans all wanted to date him but maybe they'd change their minds if they knew the stuff that would be thrown at them if they did.
Jes prayed that things would turn out for the best, but feared the worst. She opened the book back up and continued to read the next entry…
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. (Email)
Okay I did it! I told them they could shove my job right up their asses if they cared to but no one was going to tell me what to do when I was off the clock. What I did at the studio was one thing but once I left the area, I was free to be myself and that included seeing my boyfriend.
They were pissed…big time, but who cares. I am not bowing down to them or anyone. You should have seen me. I told them all off. I have never felt so alive in all my life…or felt so stupid either.
What the hell did I just do? Why did I open my big mouth up?
They all stared at me like I had lost my mind. I don't know if they are going to fire me or not. They told me they had a lot to think about and would get back to me before the day was over but I'm at home right now and no word yet. Do I go into work tomorrow thinking I still have a job or do I call in sick or something? God, help me. Please shut me up before I do any more damage.
Well, the good thing is that WE are still together. When I called and told him what I was going to do, he was so proud of me. He said that it took real guts to stand up to those men and express my feelings for him. I'm not sure if it was guts that did it or just stupidity but oh well. Anyway, he told me that just knowing that I was doing that made him love me more. Can you believer that? He is just too good to me.
He said that he would have to see what comes from me telling people, if asked, and then see if he should say anything or not. He is so private about stuff like this and I don't want him to feel pressured into anything but like I said, I'm not going into detail about anything just saying that 'yes' we are dating. That surely doesn't mean we are getting married or that he is off the market or anything like that and I hope his fans will see that. He is my best friend and I feel like I am disrespecting what we have together and making it something cheap by sneaking around and lying about it. I have nothing to be sorry about or feel ashamed for so I'm not going to hide it anymore.
Now I won't flaunt it either. I won't go around and tell anyone that crosses my path that I am dating him. Only if asked will I say anything and even with that, I am going to be careful what I say. I don't want any more rumors floating around about us then can be expected so I'll keep it short, sweet and to the point.
I gotta go now, he is coming over and we are watching movies tonight. My roommate is out of town so I hope to have a quiet night at home, just the two of us.
Talk to ya soon,
ME : )
Jes kept her smile the whole time she was reading this. She was happy to see how 'ME' stood up and took charge of her situation. This girl wasn't afraid of losing her job or making a couple of people mad. All she cared about was not lying to the people that meant the most: the fans. They deserved to know that she was an honest and caring person and maybe they would see that and be supportive of her relationship. Jes knew that the fans weren't the problem in trying to keep them apart but rather it was those in charge of HIS career and hers that did it.
She cursed under her breath at them and wanted to continue reading to see exactly what those underhanded, evil men had up their sleeves for her…
Remember that your character is your destiny (Email)
Okay so I made it through another week of chaos. Well, to make a long story short, they didn't fire me. I'm not really sure why not but I'll let that bad feeling I am having right now settle down and put it in the back of my mind. I have other things to think about and worry with and don't want to have an ulcer over them all.
Like I said, I wasn't fired but boy do I wish I could quit. I know that must be what they want me to do because this whole entire week has been hell for me. First when I got to work the morning after my 'talk' with them, I found a new schedule posted outside my door as to when rehearsals and tapings would be and would you know it, they made them 30 minutes EARLIER so I was late that morning. Funny how no one told me the day before, huh?
Well, after I showed up late, that put everyone in a bad mood and even Scott, my co-host was pissed at me. He must have gotten wind of the situation and wasn't happy. Man, these people are pricks around here. I bet the people watching the show would love to know what it's really like behind the scenes.
Anyway, after the show was over, thank God no one messed that up, I was leaving for the day and a bunch of kids came up to me (I usually get only a couple of them but that day there were 20 or 30 of them) and asked me about my relationship with him. I looked over my shoulder and there stood one of the producers just giving me a big smile. It had 'evil' written all over it.
I politely asked them where they heard about it and since children can be SO brutally honest, they pointed to the man behind me. I knew that rat had done something and now I was certain. I turned back around with an equally evil grin of my own and told them not to listen to him again. He was only trying to stir up trouble and upset them but if they wanted to know the truth then 'yes' I was going out with him but nothing too serious. That wasn't a lie. We are going out but to me marriage is serious and we are definitely NOT there yet.
I got a couple of 'OMG' and "I can't believe it' but on the whole they seemed okay with it. They were glad that I was honest with them although I'm sure some of them wanted to ripe my head off for even being in the presence of their 'future husband'. I joked around with most of them telling them that I better watch out because if he ever saw some of them, he would surely leave me in a heartbeat. They seemed to like that and most of them laughed.
I wasn't trying to be cruel to them but it never hurts to make someone else feel good when you know they are devastated by what I told them. Many of the girls that come to the show like him and his group or other ones and its hard to be their age, I know it. I had the biggest crush on Joey from NKOTB when I was younger. I was just so sure that I would marry him when we got older. Well, I hate to break it to ya, but that'll never happen. I use to stay up late every night and listen to their tape (before I wised up and got a CD player). I would dream about him and me together. I know it sounds dumb but he was my dream.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who do not have dreams do not have much. (Email)
I completely believe that. Everyone around me thought I was insane for what I had for him and even probably now think I'm crazy for being with a guy from a 'boy band' but you know what, these are my dreams and I'm not ashamed of them for one reason…my heart tells me so. You can't go wrong if you listen to your heart.
Sure it may get broken along the way but everything it endures, it learns from and one day, it'll bring you to the place where all your dreams come true. You just wait and see: )
ME
Jes hoped that what 'ME' said was true. She wished with everything inside of her that by following her heart, it would lead her to her 'dream' as it did for the woman writing in the book. Her heart had been broken, and smashed so many times that Jes thought it was just a part of life to be treated like dirt but by reading those words of this young woman, who seemed to know what Jes was going through, she began to realize that all the heartaches in the world were only preparing her for the joy she would experience one day with her true love, where ever he may be.
Jes let out a sigh before closing the book and drifting off into that place just beyond reality but not yet into sleep. A place where ideas were thought of, feelings were felt, childhood memories resurfaced, and dreams were lived out. She found comfort in this place and wished she could stay there longer but soon found that sleep took her over and the dreams she could remember, soon faded into darkness.
I hold onto the thought of him
I pray I can make it through without him
He will return
Well, life SUCKS!!!
He left today. He went on another tour, to shake his tush for millions of teenagers who fantasize about him day and night. They get to see him, be with him, so to speak, while I have to stay here and deal with the Wicked Witch and her five grumpy Dwarfs. Ugh! I hate this. I can't stand doing this any longer. They are quickly driving me crazy.
Maybe with him gone for a while the execs will let me breathe. I swear, every day I walk into the studio to start another 'fun-filled' show, one of them has a sour look on their face or says something smart to me. They know that if I mess up then they can fire me for that but as long as I show up and do my job, there is nothing they can do to break my contract until it runs out in two more months. This job was only on a trial basis anyway until they saw how the ratings went this summer and then see about returning it to the fall.
Please let me get through these next few months! I never thought so much attention would come from my personal life. Gees, it's ridiculous to say the least that these people are acting like retards because they are worried about upsetting a few people with my dating status. GET OVER IT! For real, these people need a life and bad.
His camp is not much better. He called yesterday before he went to bed to tell me 'bye' since they were heading out early today. I really wanted to see him last night but he was busy finalizing a few things to do with the concerts and couldn't see me and do that too. That is what he said but I know different.
The past few days have been very stressful on him, at least that is what it seems like. Every time I talk to him or see him, I can tell that he is on pins and needles and is worried about messing up for some reason. His people (managers, PR reps, image consultants, etc.) have been on his back about keeping me a secret and not telling anyone about me. WTF? Do they think that a man his age wouldn't date? Give me a break here. I know that the press has had a field day with this, less than they did with him and what's-her-name, the 'other' girlfriend. I think that is the problem right there.
When the press got word that him and Miss Jiffy-Pop were an item, they exploited it for all its worth and made it much bigger than it really was. I guess they are afraid of the problems that will happen when he admits to being with me. What I don't understand is that I am not HUGE like her. Not too many people even know who I am and still they are wry. Go figure?
Anyway, I know that he is worried how people will react to me, to him, towards his group, towards record sales, towards his family, towards everything around him. I am starting to realize that by me wanting the freedom to run-my-mouth, so to speak, I may be jeopardizing our relationship.
Like I said before, he is so private about things that I hope I haven't backed him into a corner that he can't get out of.
Please let this break be a good one and bring him back to me!
MEAlthough he is gone, he is not forgotten
The days seem endless
The nights, lonely
The sky is not as blue as before
The grass not as green
The earth, different
Holding me close
Making the world disappear for awhile
Allowing us to be as one
For only a moment, it seems
But it lasts a lifetime
Without his praise
Without his touch
Without his love
While he is gone
Return to me soon
But for now I wait
I hope
I pray
That I'll make it another day
While he is gone (ME)
"Who the hell is 'ME'?"
Jes turned the corner to come into her room and found her nosey brother reading the next entry of the journal. "How dare you read that, it's not yours."
She went to snatch it away but he stood up and held it out of her reach. "Well, it's not yours either, so who's is it?"
Jes got an annoyed look on her face and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. "If you must know, I got the book at the church fundraiser last week. The book belongs to someone who put it up for sale."
Her brother looked at her for a minute, wondering if he believed her. After what seemed like forever, he shrugged his shoulders and lowered the book for Jes to reach. She snatched it away from him and held it tight to her chest.
"Any way, I came up here to see if you wanted to go to the mall today? Mom said you needed to get out of the house for a while and thought the mall was a good place to go. So what do ya say?" He looked at her with tired eyes, waiting patiently for her answer.
Jes knew her mother had made him come up to her room and ask her. Her and her brother weren't the closest of siblings, more like they despised each other, but that was typical for teenagers, right?
"Tell mom that I'll go outside by the pool but I really don't feel like going to the mall today." She started to grab her bathing suit but her brother protested.
"She's not gonna like that. She made me come up here and get you and now you are going to go nicely or I'll drag you out."
He really was a pest. "Just tell her that my monthly friend has come to call and I don't feel like leaving the house because of it."
He had no idea what she was talking about until she put her hands on her stomach. He crinkled up his nose at her and called her some name she couldn't make out from under his breath before he turned to leave.
"Oh before I forget…" He said as he turned back around to face Jes. "A lady from the church called about your book…" Jes looked at the book in her hands and got a bad feeling about it. "She said that the owner had it in a box to keep but it got put in with the other books that were donated to the church. It never was suppose to be sold. She said that the owner wants it back and left the number for you to call and set something up with them, but I gave it to mom so she could do it for you." He finished with a smirk on his face.
She looked at the book in her hands with tears in her eyes. This book, this journey into someone's life, was right at her fingertips and she didn't want to give it back just yet. She wanted to read everything in it, study it's contents, learn from it's mistakes, find hope in the words on the pages and find the answers to the mystery that surrounded it's author.
"Um…yeah, thanks. Tell mom I really don't feel good now." She said as she laid down on her bed. Her brother just rolled his eyes at his younger sister and left to go downstairs to his waiting mother.
"Just when I was about to find out the truth, this comes up. What if the person who had this book isn't the person who wrote it? I'll never find out what happened to them. I have to read it through before I give it up. I can't let it go just yet." Jes said to herself. She was determined to keep it a little longer but knowing her mother, she had already called its owner and he or she was on their way to reclaim it any minute now. She had to read fast before they got there.
She sat up in bed and opened the journal to begin the fastest reading she had ever done in her life…