****
He's gone again. He left me. It's over.
He called the other night after I got home from work and we talked for awhile. He sounded really upset, not mad but hurt and I asked him what was going on. I wanted to help him if I could. I thought it was something to do with the tour but it wasn't. He told me that loved me but he couldn't do this any longer. He couldn't be with me after that night.
I couldn't believe my ears. I never thought he'd say that to me. I begged him to tell me he was joking but he didn't. He couldn't take the words back even if he wanted to.
He said that things were too complicated and he needed time to sort some stuff out. He wouldn't be able to be there for me any longer and still keep his sanity. Too much was going on and he couldn't give me the support that I needed.
I begged some more for him to stop and rethink things. I never beg but here I was down on my knees, so to speak, doing just that. I wouldn't let him give up on us just because some guys in nice designer suits wanted it that way. But the more I begged the worse it got.
He was trying to be so nice to me but I could tell something else was causing this. I started to get upset with him for not being honest with me and that's when he told me…I WAS to blame. WHAT? I had no idea what he was talking about until he more or less screamed it at me.
He said that I was a 'loose cannon who couldn't hold any thing in and if he didn't get out of the way, I would hurt him more than I already had!'
To say I was upset would be an understatement. I was, and still am devastated. That one statement reached inside my body and tore my heart out. I felt the breath knocked out of me and thought I'd pass out if I didn't sit down. I know that I have a temper and sometimes my mouth gets away from me but I didn't think of myself as a 'loose cannon'. I do know when to keep my mouth shut, don't I?
He told me that I was someone who was open with my feelings, that he thanked me but the problem came because he was a private person and I just didn't understand it. He wanted to be supportive of me and stand up to everyone about our relationship but he couldn't. He didn't want to face everyone he came in contact with and explain the same thing over and over again to them. He wanted things to be secret between us for 'our' safety. Who is he protecting me from: 10 year olds? Give me a break. Who the hell does he think he is anyway, my own personal bodyguard or something? He has some nerve, he…
I'm doing it right now. I'm going off. I'm firing the cannonball aren't I? He's right. I can't keep things in. I have to tell people. I let my emotions get the best of me and I can't control them. I say things before I think about them. I don't mean to but I can't stop my mouth from speaking the words that my brain is feeding it. And because of that, I have lost him. I have lost the best thing I ever had. The one person who saw through my 'snobby' outside, my harsh exterior and looked inside to help me break free.
What he did for me is something I will never forget. He opened my eyes up to a world that I only could dream of…but I know it wasn't a dream because my dreams were never this good.
What do I do now? I miss him already. How do I go on? Do I want to?
MEWhere are you, where have you gone
You were here with me now you are not
Please return
Please come back to me
Do not leave me here all alone
Do not turn your back on me
I need you; I want you; I crave you
I am not whole without you
You left me here
You did not take me with you
You went on a journey
You went without me
To find yourself
To heart your heart
To regain your soul
I hurt you; I turned from you; I burnt you; I cut you
You bled; you yelled; you packed; you left
You left me alone
Come back to me
Come back to us
Let us try again
Let us give ourselves again
Let us love again
I am down on my knees
I am begging you
I am praying you will come back
And forgive me
Do not let my prayers go unanswered
Do not let our love die
Do not give up on us
Tell me you forgive me
Tell me you still love me
Tell me you hate me
Tell me something
Let me make it up to you
Let me help you; let me heal you
Let me love you again
Come into my arms; come into my heart
Be apart of me
Be mine again
I am sorry; I was wrong
I will never be able to undo what I have done
You may never come back; may never forgive me; may never think of me
But I will always think of you; always love you
Please say you love me too; please say you are not gone (ME)
Jes stopped reading and began thinking about the last entry. She had heard a different story from the magazines and TV gossip shows. They talked about how 'ME' was delusional by saying she was dating him when he never admitted to it. He would simply reply by saying they were 'just friends' but now Jes realized that everyone that thought bad about her was completely wrong.
They were together, just HE never let anyone know that. She wasn't afraid to admit it, fearing losing her job, fans, etc, but she still didn't deny it. She was proud to be with him and wasn't afraid to show it. Jes liked her even more for standing up to everyone to declare her feelings for him but he never did the same for her.
Jes knew that it was more difficult for him to tell the truth because of the status of the group but still, if he loved her, liked Jes thought he did, it wouldn't matter and he would stand up for her but he didn't. Jes began to despise him for what he didn't do. His fans didn't have a clue as to what had happened but finally one of them did: Jes.
She was determined to finish the book and see what happened to them before the owner came for it. She opened it back up and began again…
**Author's note = This part of the story will start with an entry but go into a story on its own. I can't tell it how I want in an entry so…well, just read and you'll see what I mean.**
Sunny Hawaii!!!
I made it. I finally made it to paradise. Can you believe it, I am here. I'm sitting on my balcony overlooking the ocean right now as I write and the smell of this place is amazing. The water is so blue, the sand so white, I think I'll never leave here, ever!
I guess I should recap the reason why I am here and not working. Well, are you ready for this?…
****
Thursday morning
"Hey Mert, how's it going?" The tall, blond headed man said to his co-host.
"Scott, I wish you'd stop calling me that. I knew I shouldn't have told you the nickname my brother gave me. I guess I'll never learn, will I?"
"Never." He said as he turned to greet a middle-aged, balding man in a three-piece suit. He was one of the executives that had 'talked' to the young woman before. "Mr. Jameson, how nice to see you this morning. I hope your week has gone…"
"Can it Walters, I'm not in the mood for having my ass kissed this morning." Scott turned to see his co-host giggling at him. "As for the reason I am here…" He started as he looked at the young lady in front of him. "You."
"ME?" She said, pointing to herself.
"Yes you. I have been up to my elbows in faxes and emails over what you have done."
"Um…I'm sorry but I might need a refresher course on this one. What are you talking about?" She had no clue where this was leading.
He opened his briefcase and handed her an envelope filled with pictures and articles that the magazines and papers had done on her failed relationship. They all contain headlines that sought to put her down and look like an idiot.
"Mr. Jameson, I have seen all of these but I still don't get what I've done."
He rolled his eyes in her direction before answering. "Ms. Etherton, I am quite aware of the articles and am sure you are too. What I am getting at is that they were printed in the first place. These are from the past month and they haven't let up. I have numerous papers on my desk from viewers complaining about you and wanting to know what is going on."
"Mr. Jameson, it's pretty simple, we broke up."
He did not seem amused at all. "Young lady, I know you did but for someone to break up, they have to be an item and he never admitted to having a relationship with you in the first place. Do you get where I am coming from here?"
She was still as clueless as ever. "What I am talking about is that the viewers don't see you as someone they trust. Someone they want to tune into everyday and watch because you seem to have a 'lying' problem. In a nut shell, they want you out!"
She was taken back by this. "What? They want me out because they think I lied about my PRIVATE life. That is why it is called private. They don't have any business saying what I do or don't…"
"Don't start with the preaching. If you remember, it was YOUR idea to tell people about you and you little boyfriend. We tried to warn you but you wouldn't listen. You just had to be stubborn and think of yourself first. You should have checked with him before you opened your mouth up to the world."
"I did. He told me he would support me and…"
"Well, it looks like he didn't. Now you look like a liar and no body wins because of it." He began to scratch the small spot of hair that remained on his head. "We have a problem now…" He started. She didn't like the sound of that. She looked over at Scott who had observed the whole thing. He simply shrugged his shoulders and continued to watch the scene in front of him.
"If you will excuse us, Mr. Walters." Scott turned to leave the room to give them some privacy. He wanted to stay and hear what was being said but the door slammed shut behind him and he couldn't hear a thing from outside it.
"You know we can't fire you without people suspecting foul play and you can't quit for the same reasons, so…" Again, she didn't like the sound of it or the look in his eye. "We have come up with something else that might just work."
She closed her eyes and prayed for the strength to keep her mouth shut and not yell at this guy. It would accomplish nothing.
"You know we have wanted you out of here for a while now. You are a great worker and the kids enjoy you but you are not the right person we had in mind for our show. You have a temper and a stubborn streak that gets in the way of business and for that reason, we have to let you go. Now the problem comes in HOW you leave. What we have planned for you is a paid vacation for a week since you are so sick and all…"
She groaned inward when she started to realize what was going to be said next.
"We will tell everyone that you are sick and in you place have celebrities take your place until we find another co-host. After the week off, you will find it in your best interest to NOT return to the show due to health reasons and fade away. You will be paid your salary for the rest of your contract but just won't work here anymore. Do you understand now?"
She looked on the verge of tears. Never in her wildest dreams could one guy, let alone a farting, clingy hick from her past, do so much to her. She looked at the man in front of her and couldn't think of what to say. Because she opened her heart to HIM, all sanity was thrown out the window.
No one would ever believe this story, she thought. But what good fiction it would be!
"Ms. Etherton, I need an answer." He was becoming impatient. He had a ton of work to do and wasn't thrilled to have been the one elected to break the news to her in the first place.
"And what if I decide to tell the press?" She said feeling bold enough to ask.
He just chuckled to himself as he turned and walked towards the door to leave. When his hand reached for the knob, he turned around to answer her question. "I wouldn't worry yourself too much with that, see if you speak to the press about why you left, we can simple sue you." He saw the shocked look on her face. "Didn't read the fine print of your contract, did you? It says upon termination of position, you will speak to no one about the goings on of this company or any of its affiliates under any circumstance or be held accountable for it in a court of law."
He smiled at her one last time before he opened the door to leave. "Oh, by the way…" He said, "be sure to pack a lot of sunscreen for your trip. The islands can get really hot this time of year."
With that he close the door behind himself and left her alone. She saw his shadow pass across the glass window and could almost see horns sprouting out of his head. She groaned loudly when she realized she had been taken to the cleaners on this one. They weren't firing her. She wasn't quitting. Somehow she was just to 'disappear'.
****
Well, that's how I ended up here in Hawaii. I left that next day and went home to pack and start my new life; without a job and without HIM. I am so upset about the job. I can't stand the way they weaseled me out of it but I'll get over it. What really upsets me is that I can't see him anymore.
He hasn't called in weeks. He doesn't return my emails. He won't acknowledge my existence. Sometimes I think that maybe all of this was just a dream I had and I am finally waking up from it.
I wish it was a dream. But it's not. It's reality and it's my life. I'm not sure where or what I am going to do now but I guess I'll figure it out when I get back home. I still have some time left in school, but maybe I'll transfer back home. I can't imagine being in the same city as he is and not be with him. I know he isn't there for very long but just knowing that I am 10 minutes from his house and not being able to go over there will be hard enough.
I don't think I'll have a hard time adjusting to being back home. I know you're probably saying to yourself…if you could talk, that you thought Orlando was my home. Well, when I was 6 we moved here. I am originally from a small town just outside of Colorado. There's only about 1200 people in the whole city and no one would question my living there. I have a few relatives still living there and could find a place to stay. The local college is only about 30 minutes away and I could get in there easily.
I could finish my studies and then see where the roads takes me. I just need to get out of Dodge, as they say and go back to small town living. I just need a break from all this. I need to figure out what I am doing in this world and how I can even make a difference.
I don't want anyone to judge me on who I am or who I went out with, even though he denies it completely. I still don't want that hanging over my head anymore. I want to be free of this and find the little girl that I think I lost so many years ago. I can't remember when I became such a snob and was this bitchy but I know I didn't start out that way. Maybe going home will help me find her again.
Until then, I'll sit on this balcony, telling you what I see, and dreaming of a better tomorrow.
ME
If Jes didn't know who it was before, she knew now. The girl who wrote this book did indeed live in her town. She had heard of the woman who moved in just a few months ago but this wasn't Utah, this was far from it. She wondered why she had come to this town and wasn't near Colorado.
What got to Jes the most was the fact that she lived about 15 minutes away. Jes couldn't believe that all this time she had passed her house on the way to school everyday and didn't know it. The pieces were falling into place and only a few more entries were left until the mystery was solved.
She turned the page to see what happened next when she heard the doorbell ring. She yelled to her mother or brother to get it and then remembered that they were gone to the mall.
She hoped off the bed, never putting the book down, and ran downstairs to see who it was. She was so lost in thought about finding the answers to all the questions she had that she didn't notice the person standing on the other side of the door.
"Jessica Harding?" The young woman asked from behind the screened door.
Jes snapped out of it when she heard her name. "Um…yes that's me. Can I help you with something?" She slowly approached the door to get a closer look at the woman. When she did so, the woman's face came into view.
"I think you have someone of mine." She started then noticed the book Jes was holding. "Please tell me that's it?" She said, pointing to the journal.
Jes looked down and all the color rushed from her face. She looked back up at the woman on the other side of the door and immediately reached to open it.
When the door was opened, the young woman slowly reached for the book and took it from Jes. She smiled warmly when Jes let it go. She flipped through a couple of pages before closing it and bringing it to her face. She closed her eyes and inhaled its scent. When her eyes opened, she found a young girl looking at her with tears in her eyes.
"What's wrong?" She asked, genuinely concerned about the girl.
Jes wiped the tear from her face and tried to find the words she wanted to say. "I just…I just…I don't know. I just wanted to see how your story ended." She finally got out.
The woman gave her a small smile and then realized that she must have been reading the book.
"I'm sorry if it makes you upset that I read it. It's just that I couldn't put it down. I had to know." Jes said as she thought about how she would feel if someone read HER most private thoughts and feelings. "I thought it was an old book and…"
She was silenced when a hand came into view. The woman began to speak to her. "Don't be sorry. I would have done the same thing. I didn't even know the book was missing until I went to fill out the last page of it and couldn't find it. I haven't written in it for over a year now and when I realized it was missing, I figured I put it in a box for the church." She looked at the young girl and smiled to herself. "Did it help you at all? I mean, did you find all the answers you were looking for in it?"
Jes' eyes widened at that statement. The whole time she had read the journal, she felt that the story described her to a 'T' and then now that she met it's author, she also seemed to know what Jes was going through.
"How did you…"
"I can just see it in your eyes. The way you held it close to you when you came down the stairs. The way you face fell when you realized who I was and that I was here to take it away from you. You may be able to hide your feelings from people but you can't hide your eyes. They fail you every time. Did you finish the book?"
Jes looked more upset know than ever. "I wanted to finish it before you came for it. I wanted to know how it ended from you and not from the tabloids." She lowered her head. She didn't know how this woman would take what she was going to say next. "I know who HE is."
The young woman followed Jes' lead and lowered her head as well. She let out a slight chuckle before saying anything. "Yeah, I tried to hide his identity but I guess I didn't do so well, huh?"
Jes just laughed. "No, you did a great job it's just did you forget that I am a teenage girl. I do listen to them quite often. It didn't take to long to figure it out."
The woman laughed with her. Jes felt better about meeting her. She may not know what happened after the woman went to Hawaii but she did see that she was okay. She was standing in front of her, laughing and smiling and that had to be a good sign, right?
"Do you want to hear the rest of my story?" She finally asked after a few minutes of laughter.
Jes nodded her head and let the woman in her home and into the living room. "My mom and brother should be home in a little while but until then, I loved to hear about it."
They made themselves comfortable on the couch and the woman started to catch Jes up on the rest of her story.
"I guess I should start by saying that I haven't talked about this in almost a year." She opened up the book to where Jes said she left off and read over her words. "Dang, I had it BAD for him, didn't I?"
Jes just laughed again. "You and every one else on the planet. So what happened in Hawaii?"
She looked at the woman beside her and could tell this wasn't going to be easy on her. Jes tried to stop her from explaining, that was what the last entry talked about, how she would spill the beans all the time. Maybe she had changed and didn't want to talk anymore.
"No, it's not that. You seem to believe what I have written and to tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind having someone to talk to about this. No one ever believed me before and right now I could use a friend."
Jes thought about the proposition a minute. She was definitely younger than this woman though she was seeking her friendship out. To her, Jes was the only person, besides HIM that knew what had happened and she had to lend an ear to her. Jes wanted to know the truth but right now, all she wanted was to help this woman through her past.
She didn't say a word, just reached over and took the woman's hand in her own.
She smiled and then began…