December 16, 2007 11:25 AM

The noise level from the kitchen could only be the Scoobettes in full battle mode or full eating mode. Buffy smiled as she pushed the door open and her suspicions were confirmed by the table of young people including Sam. She was greeted with hellos, and good mornings, as she headed for the refrigerator. After tossing and turning all night waiting and hoping for a phone call from Spike she hadn’t fallen asleep until right before dawn. Raven had whisked Elijah from her room earlier and had told her to go back to sleep which she’d gladly done. She pushed her hair back from her face and poured a glass of orange juice, glancing around to see if there were any leftovers from breakfast.

“In the oven, Mum, there is some pancakes and bacon left,” Sean said. “I hope you don’t mind but Del took Elijah with her to her to grand-daughter’s house. She has some kids Eli’s age and thought he might enjoy it.”

“Thanks,” Buffy said, pulling the door open and appreciating that the oven had been left on warm so the food would still be edible. “And it’s fine about Elijah. He probably will enjoy being with kids his own age for a change. How are you feeling, Sam?”

“Oh, fine Mrs. Blood. I went to the ER after I left here and they put a couple of stitches in me.”

“Ouch, but I’m glad that you’re doing better. Has anyone heard from Spike this morning?”

Buffy tried to hide her worry when she was told no by turning her back on the others. It wasn’t like him not to call her but then again she had said that she wouldn’t talk to him until he got back. But even Spike would know that wasn’t what she really meant. Pushing it aside she finished preparing her breakfast and she sat down to eat.

“So, what is on your agendas for the day?” Buffy asked, reaching for the flyers that had been printed out and stacked on the table. There was a large statement describing the attack on Chad and warning students to take extra precautions.

“We are going to spread this out at the university today,” Raven explained, pointing at the paper in her mother’s hand. “I talked to Chad this morning and he is going to report it to campus administrators tomorrow but we don’t want to wait for what they may or may not do.”

“Just be careful, okay? I don’t want anyone getting hurt.”

Raven sighed. “We are going out in two groups. Connor is going with one and I’m going with the other.”

Smiling at her daughter, Buffy nodded. “Can’t help it, just doing the mom thing. Like my mother did to me and you will do to your daughter some day. Is Chad still upstairs?”

“Yep, that’s okay isn’t it?” Raven said. “Kate said she’d come by and check on him later and if he’s better we’ll take him home tonight.”

Buffy nodded but it was lost in the flurry of everyone gathering their things and heading out the back door. She sighed as she watched them leave, remembering the days when it was her and her friends that challenged the world.

“Makes you feel old, doesn’t it?” Angel asked, leaning on the doorway.

“You know, pregnant here, shouldn’t give me scares like that,” Buffy teased, taking her plate to the sink.

“Sorry, you doing okay this morning?”

Throwing a smile over her shoulder, Buffy washed her plate. “Doing great except for the feeling old part and the sleeplessness and the missing my husband and…”

“Whoa, all I was expecting was a, I’m fine, how are you doing?”

“Don’t ask then,” Buffy griped, turning to face the vampire. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to take it out on you. After all you’re here playing babysitter to the nutty ex-girlfriend.”

His eyes twinkling, Angel stepped closer to Buffy and whispered, “Well, you were kind of nutty when you were my girlfriend, too.”

Buffy’s laughter lasted only for a moment as it turned to tears and she found herself burrowed against Angel. His arms felt sure and strong when everything else around her was crumpling. She hated the fact that her husband was so far away when she needed him so much. It was unfair, she knew, to expect him to take care of everything and to always be there but that was what she was used to. That’s why she fell in love with him because he was always there and now he wasn’t.

Angel picked her up and carried her into the living room and set her down on the couch between him and Cordelia. He cradled her against him and let her cry it out. The storm began to abate and Buffy sat up, wiping at her eyes with the tissues that Cordelia handed her.

“Sorry,” Buffy said.

“Don’t be,” Angel said, his hand slowly running along her hair. “Is it everything or anything in particular?” Buffy shook her head and he squeezed her shoulder. “Now, come on, you can tell your babysitters anything.”

This time his joking only earned a smile. “I miss Spike. He didn’t call me back last night and that’s not like him. I know he’s okay because Max would have called me but…” Buffy threw her head back. “I hate this. I feel so weak and out of control. What happened to me? I was so strong before. I knew I could do it on my own and now I’m terrified if he isn’t in the room with me.”

“Because you trust him,” Cordelia said. “You know that his main priority is you and that you are safe with him. I wouldn’t be ashamed of that. It’s rare when two people reach that level of intimacy.”

“Like you and Angel?”

“Yeah, he had to be dragged every step of the way but he sees it my way now.”

All three laughed as Cordelia flashed her husband one of her patent smiles.

“Maybe he’s afraid of upsetting you even more,” Angel said. “He’s just giving you a break and figures when you’re ready to talk you’ll call him.”

“I hope so,” Buffy responded, her gaze turning to Cordelia. “Do you feel like getting out of here this afternoon?”

“Sure, where to?”

“I thought of something last night and I want to check into it. Maybe something that might help me.”

December 16, 2007 3:15 PM

The four friends sat at the kitchen table in Willow and Tara’s kitchen. Cordelia and Buffy sat across from them and sipped the tea that was offered. The conversation so far had covered the holidays and the children and when Spike was coming back. Buffy still hadn’t heard from him but didn’t tell her friends. It was something that she would handle when she returned home and could try to call Spike when he was finished with his obligations for the day.

Toying with her napkin, Buffy looked up at the witches and blurted out her question. “I remembered last night about switching bodies with Faith. And Tara could tell that it wasn’t me in my body and I was wondering if…”

“If I could see anything that wasn’t right in your aura?” Tara asked.

“Yeah,” Buffy said, relieved that she didn’t have to spell it out. “Or if there were any spells or something on me.”

Her answer was already given when Tara clasped her hands. “Sweetie, we checked awhile ago. And a few times since. It’s nothing there, other than you and as far as we can tell there is no magic or thralls, either. I wish there was.”

Buffy nodded. “I figured you had but I wanted to ask.”

“We didn’t say anything to you,” Willow said, “because well, we thought it would only be more bad news on top of everything else. Spike knew and he agreed that it was best not to say anything.”

Buffy sat back in her chair. She knew it was too much to expect that her solution could be something that simple. It was just something that she had to ask even though a part of her knew that it would have been one the first things they would have looked for. It was time to accept the inevitable and quit fighting it. There didn’t see to be any hope of something that the people who loved her could fight and vanquish. She was schizophrenic and her life was slowly going to be taken away from her.

December 17, 2007 1:15 AM Miami Beach

He had spent hours walking the streets of South Beach, watching the multitudes of people without cares except for the next drink, the next dance or the next lay. It was a party atmosphere and Spike hated it. They were too tanned and too pretty for his tastes and once all they would have been good for was to fill his stomach. Now, they weren’t worth risking the life he had built. Besides his mind was to busy sorting through that life searching for answers that weren’t coming easily. His feet turned toward the beach to make the trek back to the hotel. He stopped to remove his shoes and roll up the cuff of his jeans. The water of the Atlantic Ocean was icy as it lapped at his feet. This body of water more powerful than he had ever thought he was or ever hoped he could be. Its power was raw and intense in its need to dominate the very life it depended on, the same life that relied upon it. It was the same life structure as Spike had once had with humans.

He searched through himself to find William the Bloody--Master Vampire, feared and respected by his own kind, terror to humans and conqueror of two Slayers--and could no longer find him. Along with William, Spike had evolved and merged into the being he now was, molded by his love for his once mortal enemy and now his wife. He laughed and shook his head at the creature he had become. Neither vampire nor human, straddling both worlds and not really belonging in either but yet, desperately trying to fit in the latter before this short life was taken from him. His need to belong, to be accepted, to be loved had led him to be pulled into Buffy’s dreams of normalcy.

Stopping behind the hotel, Spike faced the ocean; crashing violently upon the shore. Here Spike felt small and powerless as he did in his current life. Tossed and torn between his wife’s insanity, a stalker intent on disrupting their lives, his children and home. He didn’t feel regrets for his choices only the utter exhaustion of fighting to be happy in this life he had created. He had done this to himself, and no one could bear the blame for the trappings of humanity he had adorned himself with. The house, the career, the wife and kids, credit cards and even the damn dog, all making him what he had hated. And once when he was human before, it was what he had wanted because all those things came with the love of a woman and when it had come it was with a real woman, not a fantasy or a vampire mate, but a living, breathing ball of fire and heart and courage that was his Buffy. It wasn’t her or their love but all of the other pitfalls that came from their union that made him want to scream his frustration to anyone who would listen.

Digging his toes in the sand, Spike tried to stop the inevitable pull of the ocean but only found he was being towed deeper into the encroaching water. The cool night breeze wrapped around him and he searched through his soul for answers.

And all he could find was Buffy.

Along with that realization came calm clarity. His love for the woman would never cease and she would forever be the light that guided him. He twirled his wedding band on his finger as he accepted the man that he had become because he had been shaped by a power greater than he could ever hope to understand. His guilt tore through him as he thought of Buffy, three thousand miles away and unaware of his act of betrayal.

The decisions came as quickly as the tears and he wished he was already on his way home to her. The sand was cold and wet as he plopped down and dialed the number for home.

“Hello,” Buffy answered her voice cool and distant.

“Hey, Baby. Still mad at me?”

“You didn’t call back.”

The accusation ripped through him and he wished he could take back the last twenty-four hours or so.

“I’m a son of a bitch, I know.”

“Well, at least you realize that.” Buffy responded with a slight thaw to her voice. “What were you doing last night?”

“Nothing important,” Spike answered. “Max picked up some bird in the bar and she had a friend and the four of went to dinner. And when we came back we were hanging out and talking.”

Let it lie. The details could be given when he got home. The silence on the other end of the phone nailed him to the wall.

“Sounds like you were having a good time.”

“It was okay. Something to pass the time, that’s all.”

“It was the four of you all the time?”

“No, after we got back to the hotel, Max and this girl went upstairs. The other girl, Nikki and I stayed in the bar for awhile. When I was talking to you, she left and after I paid the bill, I went to my room. End of story. I just didn’t call you because…”

“You’re a son of a bitch?”

He laughed. “Yeah, that and, well, I guess only that.”

For a moment there was only that horrible silence before the quiet sounds of her tears reached him.

“Look, this is bullshit,” Spike said. “I’m calling the airport and I’m on the next flight home.”

“No, oh God, Spike,” Buffy said, sniffling. “I…I”

“Talk to me.”

“I missed you and I was scared and everything is out of control and I needed control…and.”

Buffy’s words sent chills through Spike. It had been almost four years since her last relapse into the cutting. He should have known there was a possibility of her returning when she was feeling so powerless in her life. It was always the trigger that made the act so tantalizing.

“I’m on my way, Baby…hold on until I get there.”

“You don’t need to come home. You’ve got the signing still to do tomorrow. I’ll be fine.”

“No, being separated is not what either of us needs right now. I shouldn’t have left you at all.”

“Come home, please.”

Those last words were spoken in a voice that revealed how frightened and lost she truly had been feeling. He hadn’t been there for her and she had returned to the comfort that was stronger than the comfort he could give her. In a moment when they didn’t feel connected, they had both looked elsewhere for the security that could only be given by their mate. Spike was on the phone and trying to make flight reservations before he reached the hotel. The next signing was in Los Angeles and he could drive to it after making Buffy feel safe again. And if he didn’t make it, well, then they could sue him.

December 17, 2007 3:30 AM

Buffy’s entire being hummed. Spike was coming home. She was wrapped in a blanket on the porch waiting for him. He had called back to let her know what time they’d be landing. Nothing could contain her as she waited. Everyone else was asleep, otherwise she’d never be out here, it was too chilly and they’d worry about the baby.

“Daddy’s coming home,” she whispered, as the baby moved.

Headlights flashed across the yard as the taxi pulled in and she was on her feet and moving toward him before he even stepped out.

“Take care of it,” Spike said to Max, before rushing to her. His arms wrapped around her in a desperate hold of need for them both. “I missed you so much, Baby.” He walked toward the house, his suitcase in one hand and his free arm holding her close. Halfway up the stairs, they heard the front door close behind them as Max stepped into the house.

“Hi, Buffy,” Max said. “That’s fine. I’ll make myself at home. And, Spike, don’t forget the car will be here in five hours to take us to Los Angeles.”

“Night, Max,” Spike said.

Buffy didn’t acknowledge him. Her most urgent need was to bond with her mate again. The suitcase was deposited by the door while he drew her onto the bed. There would be no physical reunion until the words had been said and soothed over. She remained silent as Spike scooted closer to her and pulled her pajama top over her head. His fingers dusted over her body, searching, finding the minute cut under her left breast. His tongue ran over it in a soft caress. The horizontal stripes under her arm drew a frown.

“Are you putting antibacterial cream on these?”

She nodded and pointed to the nightstand. More was applied with gentle motions. His hands pushed her backwards so he could pull her pajama bottoms off. The cuts on her inner thighs elicited a soft growl.

“Mine.”

Buffy was a canvas as he moved over her, searching for her guilt on her flesh. Most of the cuts she gave herself would heal within a day except for the ones she reopened or made deep. The ragged one he found on her hip brought tears that rained on her.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how much I needed you. There was so much on you already and I was afraid of making it worse.”

Spike lay next to her side, his hand cupping her cheek. “Never, no matter what is going on, if you need me, you tell me. Promise.”

Buffy nodded.

“I want you to say it.”

“I promise.”

Finally he kissed her and she turned to him, a leg drifting over his hip, and his hand cupped her bottom pulling her closer against him. Her hands roamed over him, letting herself realize he was there, and he understood.

“Pet, I made a decision.”

Her eyes flew open, afraid it was going to be something that she wouldn’t like. Her anxiety deepened as Spike stood to look out the window. She waited for him to tell her what was on his mind and she sat up, wrapping the blanket around her. Candy, who had been sleeping on the floor, took refuge on her lap.

“There’s too much going on and I want to change some things.”

“Like?”

He turned to look at her, his gaze flickering over the animal in her arms.

“Like, the damn dog,” Spike said, fighting a smile, “That thing is nothing more than a snack. And what the hell is it doing sleeping on my bed? If the kids want it sleeping with them its one thing but I don’t want it with us.”

Buffy giggled, her hand petting Candy, and she bent her head.

“Don’t worry, precious, Daddy is just spouting off. You’re not going anywhere.”

Candy licked her face and Buffy smiled as Spike grimaced before turning toward the window again.

“I’m not doing any more books,” Spike said, his head bowed. “The new contracts are being thrown away.”

“Are you sure?” Buffy asked. “I don’t want you to give up something that makes you happy.”

Guilt furled through her at the thought that he was doing it so he could take care of her. It wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted him to still have a life outside of her. Spike returned to sit on the bed, his hands wrapping around hers.

“Writing makes me happy. This other stuff only irritates me. I don’t want to be signing books in other cities when I could be with you. We have enough in the bank that we don’t have to worry. I mean unless you went on a shopping spree while I was gone and bought the state of Montana or something.”

“No,” Buffy answered and tried to return his joking manner. “But are we going to be able to afford Raven’s clothing allowance if you’re not making at least five million a year.”

“She’ll just have to make it on a million a year instead.”

Candy was pushed to the foot of the bed while Spike pulled her down onto the bed and into his arms. She shifted back until she was tightly spooned against him. His words tickling her ear when he spoke and his hand covered her stomach. Sleep teased at her and she knew wrapped in her warm cocoon that she wouldn’t be able to fight it long but there was something she still needed to be sure of.

“Spike?”

“Yeah.”

“This girl that you were with Saturday? Did you like her?”

“Nikki? Yeah, she’s okay.”

“Was she prettier than me?”

“Uh, no and before you ask, I’m not placating you.”

“Big words coming from the big bad vampire.”

“I love you, Buffy.”

“I know you do,” Buffy whispered, her fingers running along his. “I love you, too but just be warned if Donnie Wahlberg walked through that door and wanted me. I’d kick your ass out.”

“Always did like the bad boys, didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

Spike chuckled in her ear and his hand covered her breast, squeezing softly. “And maybe if Donnie came through the door, maybe I’d just have to join the two of you.”

“Oh, yeah, my two favorite bad boys in bed with me, I could live with that.”

“Keep dreaming, baby, keep dreaming.”

Their laughter mingled together as Buffy let the security of her husband being home lull her into much needed rest.

December 17, 2007 6:30 PM

“Mummy,” Raven called.

Buffy heard her through a cotton cloud of sleep and she fought against waking up. A hand was drawn through her hair and reluctantly she opened her eyes to find her daughter sitting next to her on the bed.

“Hey,” Buffy said.

“I’m sorry for waking you up. Its six-thirty and Daddy’s on his way home. He called a few minutes ago and said they be here within half an hour.”

Sitting up, Buffy yawned and looked around the room. She had slept for a few hours early this morning and had gotten up to see Spike off. Mid-morning she had crawled back into bed after Del had assured her that everything was handled and had given into the exhaustion of the past few sleepless nights.

“It’s okay,” Buffy said. “I need to get up anyway.”

“If it’s all right with you, we’re going to take Elijah to the park. They’re having this holiday play at seven.”

“Who’s we?”

Raven counted off on her fingers, “Cordelia, Sean, me and Connor.”

“Ahhh,” Buffy said, smiling. Her fingers playfully pinched her daughter’s cheek. “Sounds like fun but don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Noticed what?” Raven said, her eyes growing wide, feigning innocence.

“You and Connor spending so much time together even if it is always with other people around. And now that Daddy is going to be home, he’ll notice too.”

The teenager rolled her eyes, “Nothing is going on. We’re just friends.”

“Yeah, and keep it that way. Go, have fun. Is Angel still here?”

“He’s here and Del is cleaning the kitchen and is going to head home afterwards.”

Raven kissed her cheek, gave her a quick hug and dashed off leaving Buffy to force herself to wakefulness. She thought about Spike coming home and stood up, her body rested but still reluctant to move. With a smile, she pulled clothes from the dresser and changed into clean pants and one of Spike’s sweatshirts. The phone rang as she was brushing her hair and she reached for it, hoping it was her husband again.

“Hello.”

“He spent Saturday night with me.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re husband spent Saturday night with me in his hotel room.”

Buffy pushed the recording device on the small machine next to the phone.

“Just so you know these calls are being recorded and traced since your last one pushed you into criminal charges. And by the way, you’re crazy because Spike wouldn’t cheat on me.”

“He’s really quite an excellent lover.”

“Keep talking, easier to trace you.”

“You don’t believe me. That’s sad. Really. If I didn’t spend the night with him then how would I know he has a scar on his chest in the shape of a heart? Nice work and you call me crazy. And if that doesn’t convince you, the condoms we didn’t use are in the outside pocket of his suitcase.”

The woman hung up and Buffy stared at the receiver for a moment in confusion. Spike wouldn’t have cheated on her much less lied to her. But if he hadn’t then how had the woman known? Her eyes drifted to the suitcase and her heart sped up as she walked to it. It felt like she was still in a dream somewhere as she knelt beside it and unzipped the pocket. Her fingers searched and found nothing but as she moved to withdrew them she felt something and delved deeper. She pulled out three condoms and they lay in her hand, screaming their accusations at her.

to be continued…
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