December 24, 2007 9:40 AM

The coffee was hot, warming her hands, while Buffy inhaled the rich scent.

“Give that here,” Spike scolded, taking his mug back from her. “No caffeine remember?”

Smiling, she waited until he took a sip before pulling his head down to kiss him. Her tongue probed deep into his mouth tasting the forbidden treat. He laughed around her invasion and hugged her as close as her developing stomach would allow. Giggling, she pulled back and licked her lips.

“That was good.”

“Yeah, much better with a little Spike flavoring added, huh?”

“Definitely,” she whispered. Her voice lowered to a husky whisper as the back of her fingers brushed against his crotch. “I like the way you taste.”

Spike placed the mug back on the counter and tangled his hands in her hair. Their play turned serious as he kissed her, letting his tongue plunder her mouth, and she pulled him closer. Already she missed the way their bodies used to align and his erection would push against her sex through her clothes. The baby was there between them now and making love was becoming something they had to think about instead of just falling into. Her hand slipped from his hip to settle on her stomach and he stepped back. His hand rested on the other side of her stomach so that their child was cradled between their hands. For a moment, they stayed that way, smiling into each other’s eyes, and appreciating what they had.

“Good morning, you two,” Cordelia chirped.

“Morning,” Spike answered, stepping away from his wife.

Buffy flashed him a wan smile and sat at the table. It seemed their moment of privacy was over and the day had started. Angel followed in a few minutes later, already showered and impeccably dressed. Coffee, blood and pastries were passed around and prepared until everyone had something. Max stumbled in last, still in sweat pants and t-shirt, heading directly for the coffee and didn’t say anything to anyone, until he took his first deep drink of the brew.

“Where is Del?” Angel asked.

“She’s with her family for the holiday,” Buffy said.

“Oh,” Cordelia said, glancing around at everyone. “Umm, who is cooking dinner tomorrow?”

“Didn’t Spike tell you?” Max asked with an evil glint in his eye as he sat at the table. “He volunteered us guys to cook.”

“Huh?” Angel asked, staring at Max. “You mean you and Spike, right?”

“No, all three of us,” Spike said. “The girls don’t need to worry about it and I thought it would be a good bonding experience. Oh, and there is the open house food to prepare, too.”

“Do you have everything?” Angel demanded. “What’s the menu?”

“Menu?” Max asked. “I thought we’d just wing it.”

“Wings sound good,” Spike added.

“This is going to be a disaster,” Cordelia muttered, throwing her hands up in the air.

“Pizza place delivers,” Raven said, bounding into the room. She dropped the mail she was holding onto the table and leaned against Spike, her arm wrapped around his shoulders. “I called and checked as soon as I heard the news.”

“Oh, yea, of little faith,” Max said, pulling on a lock of Raven’s hair. “We are going to make a fantastic dinner and due to your lack of faith, I think we just find us an assistant.”

“Oh, no, I am not helping.”

“Yes, you are,” Spike and Angel said simultaneously.

Buffy laughed along with the others and pulled the pile of mail toward her. She tuned the others out as they started planning the food and flipped through the envelopes. She made a pile for bills and one for junk. At the bottom were two red envelopes that she assumed were Christmas cards but there was no return address. A quick glance at the postmark and her stomach tightened. They were mailed from a postal facility in Atlanta.

“Spike, she sent something,” Buffy said, reaching for Spike.

The conversation stopped as everyone turned to look at the envelopes in Buffy’s hands.

“Don’t open those,” Max said. “I’ll be right back.”

Spike patted Raven’s leg. “Go on, Princess, I don’t want you in here while we open these.”

“Dad.”

“Go and make sure Elijah doesn’t come in here.”

Rolling her eyes, Raven made her way out of the room as Max returned. He picked up the envelopes and carried them over to the sink. After putting on latex gloves he slit them open and peered inside.

“I’m going to put these in plastic bags and take them to Atlanta with me.”

“What’s in them, Max?” Buffy asked.

“They’re Christmas cards.”

“Then why don’t you want us to see them?” Buffy persisted.

Sighing, Max returned to the table. “She included pictures for both of you.”

“Let’s see them.”

“Are you sure you want to see these, Buffy?” After she nodded, he added, “Just remember she sent these to hurt you.”

Buffy wasn’t really sure if she wanted to see or not. She knew the pictures were of her husband with another woman. Nikki. But it was like Max said, they had been sent with the intentions of hurting her, of hurting them, and if she never saw them then they would eat at her imagination until it became worse then it really was. To look at them, to accept it, would only take the power away from SB. And that’s what she intended to do.

“Put them out.”

“Don’t touch them.” Max warned. He opened the one addressed to Spike first and spilled the photos on the table. With one glove finger he spread them out so they could be viewed.

This wasn’t what Buffy was expecting and from the various expressions of surprise, neither had anyone else. They were pictures of her and Angel in this very room. There were four in all, one of Angel walking toward her with a grin on his face, one of him bending down as if to kiss her, one of them hugging and the last was of Angel picking her up. Incriminating when viewed as is without any explanation of what the situation truly was. She glanced at Spike. His face showed his conflicting emotions but he didn’t say anything. After the accusations of the other night, she expected an outpouring of some kind but he surprised her with his continued silence.

“This is the morning when Spike was in Atlanta,” Angel said. “Buffy was upset and I carried her into the living room so we could talk.”

Spike stood suddenly and Buffy flinched as he slammed the small wooden shutters of the window closed.

“I can’t believe it,” Spike shouted. “She has someone taking bleedin’ photos of us in our own home. Who the goddamn hell does she think she is?”

“I’ll get extra surveillance equipment around the perimeter of the house,” Max said.

Angel stood and leaned on the table. “I think we’ve had enough of your help. I’m taking over and I’ll find the woman.”

“No,” Max said. “The investigation already has too many different branches of law enforcement in it. You just can’t go barging in and take over without exposing everything.”

“I wouldn’t be just barging in,” Angel snarled. “Unlike you, I would have had this taken care of by now.”

“Angel, no,” Buffy interrupted, eyeing Spike walking toward Angel. “We appreciate it but Max is right at this point. Besides we need you to help with everything else. Please.”

“She’s right,” Spike said, his hand resting on his Sire’s shoulder. “We do need your help with the baby issue and helping with Buffy.”

Angel shook off Spike’s hand and leaned against the kitchen counter. His arms crossed in front of him as he glared at Max.

“Max,” Buffy whispered, “The other ones. I need to see them.”

There were a lot of photos in the card addressed to her. Some included Max but mostly of Spike with a dark haired woman. Buffy swallowed back the bile as she forced herself to look at each of them. There were ones of the two just walking, but there were others that told a different tale. Spike leaning in so Nikki could whisper in his ear, one of the two of them laughing in the restaurant, and there was one of her husband holding this woman’s hand as he helped her from the taxi. She turned her head, letting her eyes close as she tried to fight back the images. It was easier when there was no face to go with the name. Only a shape of a woman that her husband found attractive instead of this pretty girl that had wanted what was hers.

Buffy opened her eyes and the pictures were gone. Max was putting the two envelopes into plastic bags to be labeled as evidence. Angel and Cordelia gave her sympathetic stares and Spike looked at her with such guilt that it made her hurt. She stood and took her mate’s hands in hers.

“I won’t let her win this round. We’ve settled this and I’m going to let it go,” Buffy whispered.

It wasn’t what her emotions screamed at her to do but it’s what her heart urged. She had forgiven him and she would find a way to deal with it. Their relationship didn’t need anymore tearing at it and she wasn’t going to be the one to wield the scissors that would destroy it.

December 24, 2007 3:25 PM

The scent was soft and seductive. Buffy sprayed a small amount on her wrist and waved it under Spike’s nose.

“Do you like it?” Buffy asked.

“It’s nice,” Spike pronounced and hugged her a little closer.

“Thank you, Dawn.”

After the drama of the morning things had been going a lot smoother. The guys had pulled together with the help of Raven and Connor and planned a menu; gotten the grocery shopping done and made food for the open house they were having for the family. The decision had been made to split the family for Christmas day. Dawn and Josh were spending it with their parents, Willow and Tara were going to the Harris’s and even Clem had taken off with friends. This left Angel and his family with the Blood’s and Max. Therefore, Buffy and Spike had invited everyone to drop over sometime on Christmas Eve and exchange presents and spend time together.

Dawn and Josh were there now, along with the Harris’s, except something wasn’t quite right. Buffy glanced around at everyone. The children were in front of the television watching a holiday cartoon which was typical. It was the adults that gave her cause for concern. They were ignoring Spike. Oh, they had been polite, greeted him, exchanged presents but the closeness was missing. It was Xander that really let her know something was up. Usually, by now he would have dragged her husband off somewhere to bullshit about something and sneak some spiked eggnog or some beer. He wasn’t though.

Her gaze landed on Spike and she realized he noticed, too but he didn’t want to say anything for fear of causing problems. She sighed and leaned a little closer to him. He was trying so hard and needed the break of having his friends and family here. When she noticed her sister heading for the kitchen she followed.

“What’s going on?”

Dawn jumped and looked out of the freezer that she had been getting ice from. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do. Now, spill it.”

“No, I’m not going to be the one to say anything. I am so not getting in trouble this time.” She returned to filling her glass.

“You’re going to tell me,” Buffy demanded, advancing on her.

“Tell you what?” Xander asked, appearing in the kitchen door.

“What the hell is going on? Why is Spike the family pariah today?”

A trapped look fell on her friend’s face as he tried to flee but Buffy grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn around and look at her. She was determined to get some answers and someone was going to give them.

“Okay, fine,” Xander said, “We know. We know all about Atlanta and Nikki.”

One eyebrow arched as Buffy stared at her friend. She should have known that it would have gotten around. All it took was for one person to know and the whole family would know within hours. Sometimes it could be good and times like this, it irritated the hell out of her.

“And this is in anyway your business or place to judge because…?”

“Our business,” Xander exclaimed, “Our place to judge? Maybe because we’re family or maybe because we care what happens to you?”

“Fine, care but don’t treat him like he’s diseased or something.”

“What are we supposed to do? Forgive him like you do?” Xander asked. “Come on, the first time, I can accept he made a mistake. The second time he’s developing a bit of a pattern here and I’m having a hard time with it. What was it? A week ago that he was running around, telling everyone how much he loves you and he’s going to protect you then, bam, he does this.”

“He didn’t do anything.”

Buffy felt her sister’s hand on her shoulder and she just wanted to hide somewhere. The tears were threatening to well up.

“What if next time he just figures you’re going to forgive him like you always do so he goes ahead and does it?” Dawn asked.

“What do you suggest I do?” Buffy moved away so she could look at them both. “Punish him by leaving him? Yeah, that would really punish him. He gets the house, the kids, the cars, the money and the freedom and gee, what would I get? A padded cell because I’m five months pregnant and schizophrenic. I don’t have a lot of choices, so, yeah; I think forgiving him is the better alternative at this point.”

“Are you staying with him because you think you don’t have any choices?” Dawn asked. “We can always figure something out…”

“You’re joking right? We? Don’t tell me that you would consider giving up your life to take care of me? Since he got back, Spike is with me twenty-four hours a day, we sleep together, shower together and go to the bathroom together all because my mental illness is making me mentally ill. I’m paranoid and prone to panic at the thought that I’ll lose my grip and get lost so he is with me all the time to make sure I feel secure. Does anyone else want to take this on? I didn’t think so. I’m staying with Spike.”

Buffy looked at the stunned expressions on her sister and friend. No one had been told how bad it had gotten. She had been afraid of their rejection so her husband was constantly covering for her and protecting her. Elijah had been the one to give her the new nickname of Shadow because that’s what she was now. Spike’s shadow. The tears that had been welling up spilled over onto her cheeks and she wiped them with the back of her hand. She started when she felt Xander’s arms around her.

“I’m sorry, Buffy,” he said. “I didn’t know that you were having such a hard time. I just don’t want you any more hurt and it pissed me off when I heard what happened.”

“He’s not perfect but he’s mine,” Buffy whispered, pushing Xander away. She wanted him to understand maybe just a little. “It’s not easy for either one of us right now but we’re going to hang in there. I’m not giving up on him and I’m asking you not to either.” She knew she had won when Xander nodded his head and she smiled at him. “Please let everyone else know because none of us need anymore hurt and anger, okay?”

Dawn joined the hug and she let them hold her. It wasn’t to comfort her, she knew. It was to comfort them. None of them understood the depth of her illness because they weren’t with her all the time. The only people who did, lived in this house, or had spent more than a few hours with her. Her children thought it was normal living with a woman who slipped in and out of reality like people walked in and out of rooms. Her housekeeper and friend just accepted whatever mood she was in and her husband got all the ugliness of her existence now. And she loved him even more for it.

December 24, 2007 11:53 PM

Buffy lay on the bed waiting for him. She was nude except for a pair of white cotton panties and the seductive innocence in her pose made his body yearn for her. She watched him as he moved around their room, picking up discarded clothes, straightening the dresser top before finally moving to the closet to undress. Spike was delaying the time as long as possible before he joined her in their bed because it might be the last time. He glanced out at her and wished he could change everything. But wishes could be cruel too and all he could hope for was that Buffy’s love was strong enough.

He had been sucker punched this afternoon by words that he wasn’t intended to hear. The pitiful desperation in his wife’s tone had made him want to scream and rant but instead he had let the door close again. He had done enough damage to the woman that he had sworn to love and protect forever. Spike had broken a promise. Once more he had failed her and embarrassed her in front of her family and friends. And this time the realization had broken something inside of him leaving him without any pride left. Maybe it was because she was breaking and there was nothing he could do about it except give her as much happiness as he could.

Still wearing his jeans, Spike grabbed the bottle of oil off the dresser and sat on the edge of the bed. He rubbed some oil between his hands to warm them but still she jumped a bit when he touched her. Slowly he massaged the oil into her stomach, feeling a surge of pride as he covered the bulge that his child lay beneath.

“I can’t wait until I can feel the baby move,” he whispered reverently.

“It’s really amazing. It’s still just flutters but to know that there is someone alive inside of me. It’s really just, wow.”

Spike smiled at her. His hand drifted upwards and gently coated her breasts. Tara had prepared the that oil was supposed to help with stretch marks and he did this every night for her. He enjoyed feeling and familiarizing himself with the changes that her body was going through; participating in this creation of life as much as he could. For someone who had taken the lives of so many, his guilt had hindered the thought of creating life but now that they had children and had made this baby in Buffy’s body, the joy was indescribable. Her breasts were heavier now, more like when she had been the slightly pudgy teenager he had first met, and the male in him was thankful for them.

“Are you putting oil on or just enjoying playing with my tits?” Buffy teased when he lingered a little longer on them than was necessary.

“Both, Love, both.”

She shifted to her side, rolling as far as she could onto her stomach so he could massage her lower back.

“Buffy, I heard part of the conversation between you and Xander this afternoon,” Spike slipped in as he worked out a kink along her hip.

“Which part?”

“The part where you said you didn’t have any choices.”

“Oh,” Buffy said her body stiffening as she glanced back at him.

“Relax, Baby, I’m not upset.”

She nodded and sank back into the pillows cradling her body.

“You do have choices, you know?” Spike said, watching her face for a reaction but she only nodded slightly. “If you decided that you couldn’t live with me anymore, I’d be the one to leave not you. This house is yours. And I’d never take the kids from you.”

“Do you want to leave?”

Her voice held a trace of panic and he hastened to reassure her.

“No, no, I don’t. I’m talking about you here. I…we never really talked about what happened. Then you forgave me and took me back and it was just dropped.” His hands moved to her shoulders, brushing her hair out of the way. “I just want you to know that what happens is up to you. If you can’t trust me enough to live with me then you’re still taken care of. I wouldn’t let you go into an institution. I’d hire nurses to live with you around the clock here at home. If you don’t want to share a bed with me anymore but still want me to take care of you, I’ll stay.”

Buffy sat up and reached for her nightshirt.

“It’s hard to have a serious conversation when you’re not wearing clothes.” After she was covered, she studied him for a moment. “Is that how you really feel?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

A part of him was terrified that she would tell him that she didn’t want him anymore. It was what he had been afraid for since the beginning. That one day she would realize that he wasn’t good enough for her. That she would remember that he was beneath her and only a stand in until she found the real thing.

“I love you, Spike. You. Not anyone else. You are the only part of my past that really matters, you fill up my present and I only hope that I will die an old woman in your arms. Understand that?”

He nodded, too overcome to utter a single word.

“I am angry and hurt by what you did. The thought that another woman would even be appealing to you makes me wonder why the fuck I’m not good enough,” Her hand covered his mouth when he went to protest. “No, let me finish. You wanted to talk this out so we are. Maybe then it will finally be over with. A part of me wants to punish you and make you hurt for doing it yet again. My emotions want to scream and rant and cry for everyone to hear and make you feel so much guilt for it.” Buffy stopped for a moment as she began to cry. “And sometimes I want to wear the badge of martyrdom for having to put up with you. Then I look in the mirror and I see that girl I was when I moved into your crypt. She was so broken and so desperately looking for a reason to live. And then I look at you and I see the man who saved me, the man who kept giving me the room to run until I ran out of options. And the man who welcomed me home when I realized I had none, save for him. And I pray everyday that one day you’ll run out of options, too and I’ll be here to welcome you home when you do.”

“Oh, God, Buffy, I’m so sorry,” His tearful apology was heartfelt as he buried his face in her lap. Her hand weaved its way through his hair as he cried. “I love you so much and I get so scared that you’ll finally see I’m not what you want.”

“You’ll always be what I want. And I’m going to say something else so just listen. Okay?”

He nodded.

“Max, I love the man to death. He’s been a friend to us in a lot of ways but he will never compare to you. He’s let me down twice now and not because there was nothing else that he could do but because he’s weak. And Angel,” Buffy laughed. “He was my first love. My guidance when everything was new and strange here in Sunnydale but now…how do I put this? It’s almost like I see him paternally. Yeah, I called him to protect me but not because I wanted to be close to him but because I know he takes his family ties seriously. He wouldn’t let anything happen to me because in a way I belong to him. Does that make sense?”

If she was a vampire, it would. Spike sat up as he contemplated her words. His fingers drifted over the scar that Angel had given him on Thanksgiving. Since then, he realized that was what they had been settling into. He hadn’t protested when she had called his Sire for protection. Before her illness he would have thrown a fit and had only said something when the anger had loosened his tongue. Even Angel was acting more territorial especially when it came to Max; a male that was threatening his position as alpha male. He shook his head. This family was a crazy mix of humans, slayers, demons and various other mystical beings. Of course, when one of them was threatened they would react toward type. That’s all it was.

“Yeah, that makes sense. I understand.”

When her face relaxed and she beamed at him, Spike knew he had said the right thing. The love he had been afraid of losing was burning deep in her eyes, warming the depths of his soul and he let go. Let go of the doubts and the fear that plagued him and her love filled all the spaces inside of him. And he was right; she consumed him, heart, body and soul and he didn’t mind it at all.

“I want to come home, Baby,” he whispered.

to be continued…