January 27, 2008 4:15 PM

The house was filled with family sounds that gave the facade of normalcy. Del and Buffy were in the kitchen starting dinner preparations. Elijah and Aidan ran through the house with Candy nipping at their heels while Sean and Raven both had their love interests there. All four were in the living room playing monopoly and their laughter was an echoing background for everything else.

All in all Spike felt good today. If only Buffy and he could breach the wall of emotional distance from each other everything would be perfect. Since the day she had been chained they only spoke to each other when it was absolutely needed. And it seemed that neither of them wanted to be the one to take the first step toward reconciliation.

Spike forced himself to pay attention to Angel filling him in on Max’s progress with finding the stalker. Angel had reluctantly told him about the conversation in the bathroom and the subsequent threat against his friend. Since then Max would phone Angel everyday who in turn would call him. And Spike wanted to choke them both for their childish behavior.

“Yeah, so they have this woman’s picture all over Atlanta and the surrounding area,” Angel said. “But they can’t get a name or a plate number.”

“Something will break soon,” Spike said trying to placate his Sire.

“Not with that imbecile friend of yours running the investigation,” Angel grumbled. “Don’t know how you can stand him.”

Spike laughed. Angel’s jealousy of Max in their lives was becoming more pronounced with every conversation. He wondered how long it would take before other people noticed. It would probably be never because they wouldn’t understand why Angel would care about anyone in Spike’s or Buffy’s life. They would assume it was simply that he didn’t like the man and not the truth. Angel felt that Max was encroaching on what he considered his territory.

“Why don’t you just turn him?” Spike asked, laughing when Angel snorted. “You could make him a minion and torture him by turning him into your personal servant.”

“Not worth the time,” Angel said. “Besides he probably tastes sour and please don’t tell me that you know if he does or not.”

“Nope, I sure don’t.”

“Well, at least I understand why you didn’t get jealous of Buffy playing with him,” Angel said, his voice trying to subtly pry into Spike’s emotions. “He’s not much of a man.”

“Yes, he is,” Spike said, standing to look out the window. “He has strength that he has forgotten he has. It will come through when we need it.”

Angel sighed, loudly, in his ear. It was enough for now. Eventually the two males would accept each other. They would have to because Spike figured by the time all this ended he would need them both to get through what was coming.

“We’ll see,” Angel said. “Is Buffy talking to you yet?”

“Not really,” Spike said, his head bowing under the threat of emotions he was trying to ignore. “She only says what has to be said and not much else.”

“She’ll come around. Somewhere she knows you only did what you had to.”

Spike wanted to ask how Angel or Buffy could know. In hindsight he wasn’t sure if it was what he had to do or if he could have found another way to deal with the situation. His hand rubbed the back of his neck trying to alleviate the tension that was cramping his muscles. He had been over it so many times in the past week that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Has Cordelia forgiven you yet?” Spike asked, hoping that Angel would follow his lead and let the subject of Buffy drop.

“Good God no,” Angel moaned. “I have been cast into a purgatory of endless lectures. I need to stay away from my exes, no good will come from helping you two, and the constant questions on vampire relationships because I consider you family.”

“Did you tell her all the gory details? Or just go with the ‘we’ve all known each other so long that we seem like family’ story.”

“Tried the second one but she went to Wesley and he gave in and now she knows more about us than I ever wanted her to know.”

“What did she expect?” Spike scoffed. “That if she believed hard enough that you would just be human.”

“No, just that it was over with,” Angel said. “And in a way so did I.”

Spike paced down the hallway to look in on the young people in his living room. There was such a combined air of innocence and world weariness about them. Raven glanced up at him and he smiled at her. The events of the weekend before had taken a toll on them all. Denial was becoming a strong part of his personality as he turned to head back to his study.

“How’s the new approach coming on the research?” Spike asked. “Good I hope because it’s not moving much here.”

“Wesley and Fred are buried under a pile of books right now,” Angel confirmed. “Wes dug up some new ones on prophecies.”

“Yeah, it’s like old times around here. The little Scoobies burning the midnight oil gathered around the table at the Magic Box.”

“At least they’re trying,” Angel admonished. “It’s more than they were a few weeks ago.”

It was true. The only positive thing to be brought out of the weekend before was the renewed effort to find a prophecy that would explain Buffy’s condition. If only Buffy and Elijah would tell everything they knew it would help but they were more secretive than before.

“I know, Angel,” Spike agreed. “I do appreciate it. It’s just frustrating because it’s taken so long for them to come back around.”

“Don’t drive them away with your temper. Let them know that their help and hard work are welcomed and needed.”

Spike leaned his head against the back of his chair and let the nostalgia sweep through him. He let himself remember the days that he learned from his Grand-Sire even if he was fighting Angelus every step of the way. He wondered if Angel realized what he was doing and how much Spike appreciated it. Since he had grown up without a father, Angelus had taken that role in more ways than one. And now when he needed it the most Angel was taking over that void in his life.

“I’ve missed that,” Spike said, deciding to take the risk to let Angel know and he hoped that he wouldn’t be rejected.

“What’s that?”

“My Sire.”

The silence was almost deafening for a moment and Spike waited for the sarcasm to flow so easily from that being he still loved and hated with equal fervor.

“I’ve missed you too, William.”

The phone clicked off and Spike felt like a load had been lifted from his shoulders. His family was rallying around again to help. If there was an answer they would find it. They always had before.

With a lighter step Spike wandered into the kitchen where Del and Buffy were chopping vegetables to make chicken stir fry. He snitched a piece of carrot before heading to the refrigerator to grab a beer.

“No sampling,” Del said, playfully waving a knife at him.

“Tyrant,” Spike joked, tossing the lid into the garbage and after kissing Buffy on the top of her head he headed outside.

Sighing he sat on the top step and took a long drink of the cold beer. His fingers picked at the label and wondered how everything had gotten so complicated. It was times like this that he missed the days right after Buffy came back from Dallas when life seemed almost flat lined.

The back door opened and Buffy stepped out. His heart gave an expectant lurch at the loving smile she gave him. Maybe it was time for them to make up. She sat beside him and her fingers ran through his hair as he leaned into her palm.

“Don’t look so sad,” Buffy whispered. “You’re doing the only thing that you can.”

“Which is?’

“Letting go of me,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

It took Spike a couple of seconds to be sure he heard her right. Every good feeling he had when he got off the phone was gone. They had vanished under a streak of anger that burned into his heart. It took another few seconds for Spike to comprehend that other thoughts and emotions were screaming at him to be heard. And the loudest was asking why he hadn’t attempted reconciliation with her if he wasn’t letting go.

The truth rocked his soul because until she said the words he hadn’t realized that was what he was doing. Somewhere in their chaotic daily life and the rapid progression of her disease he had been distancing himself a little more every day. In having to make the hard choices and sometimes hurting her with those decisions he had to close off parts of his heart to keep from falling apart. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her anymore. But he needed to survive emotionally so he could continue to care for her and their family. After all these years the links in the chain that bound them together were being undone. And he wanted to fight it with all the love that he had won her with.

“No, I am bloody well not,” Spike exclaimed, jumping up to stare down at her. His words were meant to convince both of them that he intended to keep his promises. “I love you and I will be here for you no matter what happens.”

“You don’t have a choice,” Buffy declared. “The only way you are going to survive this.” Her hand cut a path through the air with the same disregard as the apparent insanity that was taking her away. “Is if you let me go and concentrate on our children and you.”

“So, I just give up on you and me. What about our love? What about us?”

Buffy reached a hand out to him and he helped her to stand. In her eyes was the defeat he had seen a week ago and along with it the acceptance that she would probably never be well again. She was giving up and he didn’t know how to fight that.

“Listen,” Buffy said. In the house he could hear the sound of their children and friends screaming with laughter as they played. “William, that’s the evidence of our love. It’s not over. It never will be as long as they go on. Without us, without our love, God only knows where they would be. I know that Sean would probably be a street kid selling his body to survive. Raven and Elijah would be somewhere where they couldn’t be themselves and they would have to hide the powers they have. Even Connor is healing because of this house and because of our love. Our love is alive and stronger than ever. It never will die as long as they and this baby I carry lives. Nurture them. Love them with the single minded devotion that you loved me with in the beginning. Promise me?”

“No, I am not going to promise anything. Why don’t you fight?” Spike yelled. “This whole fucking conversation pisses me off. I’m angry that you’re giving up, that you think you have to be Drusilla to keep me, angry that you won’t tell me everything, and it infuriates me that you are willing to hurt our children to keep your, oh so precious, secrets.”

Buffy didn’t fight back. Her expression was indulgent of his tantrum and she waited until he was finished with his tirade before speaking.

“And you are angry with yourself because you think you are failing me,” Buffy said. “But you’re not. I know that you will continue to care for my physical well being but emotionally you have to be responsible to yourself and our children first.” She took his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks with her fingers. “Don’t tear yourself up with guilt. It’s not going to do any of us any good.” She pressed a kiss to his lips. “I forgive you. Forgive yourself for doing what you have to do.”

“No, Buffy,” Spike cried. “I promised that I would always be here. Always love you.”

“And you will, Baby, you will.” Buffy tilted his head down until he was forced to look into her eyes. There was so much serenity in them and he could almost feel it flowing from her hands as she forced him to face what was in his heart. “It’s okay. If I don’t get through this I want you to live as much as you can. Love as much as you can.”

“I can’t do this,” Spike sobbed. “Please don’t leave me. I don’t know how to make it without you. I don’t who the hell I am without you.”

“You are the man I love,” Buffy whispered, laying her hand over his heart. “Carry me here and I will always be with you. And know that what we have will transcend time because we have changed the rules and our story will be told in the years to come. But only if you cultivate what we started and don’t let it die. Promise me?”

Spike pulled her against him and her arms wrapped around his waist. His hands stroked her hair and face as the grief threatened to overwhelm him. He was hanging on the edge of a cliff and couldn’t find solid ground and he knew the only choice he had was to let go and hope that the fall wouldn’t kill him.

“I promise,” Spike choked out.

Buffy smiled her approval at him and her arms squeezed him tighter. She would be beside him, she would sleep with him and make love to him but in so many ways she was already gone. By letting go he understood what was happening to them both. Their lives were getting ugly and desperate in an attempt just to survive. She had let go of him the day he had chained her to the bed. It was the only way she could tolerate the humiliation and pain of what he had to do. If they both kept pretending that it wasn’t happening they would eventually destroy their love by the sheer frustration of dealing with her illness. And Spike hoped that if their hearts were frozen while they still believed that their love could conquer all then maybe there was the chance that one day they could be thawed.

To be continued in Chapter 45 – Baby Love