Chapter 53 – From the Ashes
My right hand holds matches
My left holds my past
I hope the wind catches
And burns it down fast
Her hands
wouldn’t stop shaking. They seemed to have a life of their own as they twitched
and jerked in her lap. Buffy slipped them under her legs hoping that if she
couldn’t stop them then she could hide them. It didn’t help because the rest of
her body was following suit; trembling and shivering all over. She feared that
her body was going to shatter into the million pieces her heart seemed to be
in.
Once when
she was a girl she’d told
And she had
no one to blame but herself.
Buffy
reached into the back seat of the car to grab her jacket and pull it around her
shoulders. It was so cold that she didn’t think she’d ever be warm again.
“Are you
all right, Buffy?” Giles asked. “Do you need to go back?”
But it
wasn’t really what he was asking. What he was asking was if she wanted to go
back. Did she? Yes, more than anything. Her eyes filled with tears as she
remembered walking down to nursery to have one last look at Journey before
Giles drove her to the clinic. But her baby was gone. The nurses were
apologetic as they told her that her husband had picked the infant up a mere
fifteen minutes before. Didn’t he come by and see her? Her eyes closed as she
leaned against the window.
“No, I
can’t,” Buffy whispered. “I don’t trust myself to be around them.”
It was the
simplest explanation she could give. She didn’t trust herself because she didn’t
know who she was anymore. So, how could William? It was funny that she had
expected him to know and understand though. He had always known the secrets of
her heart especially the ones she wasn’t willing to face. But he didn’t know
anymore because she had pushed him away like she had a thousand other times.
This time she didn’t think he was coming back.
How the
tables had turned. The good had become evil and the evil had become good. Their
roles were reversed and she was now the one looking through the window wishing
she could belong. Buffy choked back a sob as they crossed the line taking them
out of Sunnydale. Unable to let go, she turned in her seat to watch it retreat
behind her. Everything was back there. She didn’t even have the familiar
anymore.
Buffy
turned around when she couldn’t see anything but the road anymore. She stared
at Giles driving without comment. He was the only one that volunteered to take
her. Everyone else was too angry with her or too hurt to deal with it.
“Why?”
Giles glanced
at her and gave that tired smile he always wore when they were teenagers.
“It felt
like my duty and…and my responsibility.”
“You’re not
my watcher anymore,” Buffy said, looking to stare at the scenery. “I’m not even
the Slayer anymore. I’m nothing.”
“Bullshit,
Buffy,” Giles said, surprising her with the expletive. “Self-pity isn’t going
to get you anything or anywhere. You need to take responsibility for what
you’ve done, deal with it and go home to your family. You’re a mother now for
God’s sake and that is not nothing. That is everything.”
Chastised,
Buffy wrung her hands together and smiled at the gesture. It was familiar. It
was something to cling to even no matter how small it might appear to be. They
rode in silence the rest of the way to the clinic that would be her new home
for awhile. Giles pulled the car up to the entrance and started to step out.
“No, you’re
right,” Buffy said, laying her hand on his arm. “It’s time that I took
responsibility and it may as well start with me walking in by myself.” She
leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “And thank you for everything.”
“You’re
welcome.”
Buffy
stepped from the car, took her suitcase from the backseat, waved good-bye to
Giles and walked in to face her demons.
~~~~~~~~~
I’m gonna step
into the fire
With my failures and my shame
The girl in
the mirror kept mocking her.
It was the
girl who once had the world by the tail and didn’t even realize it. She was a
constant reminder with her blonde hair, green eyes and slim body that Buffy had
failed. It wasn’t thought out; it was a gesture of futile hope, as she
shattered the mirror with her bare hand. From outside her open door, she heard
Judson, another patient, rushing away and muttering that he knew the new one was
violent.
Buffy
stared at the pieces of the glass and the fragmented reflection of her face.
There that was better. Now everything was in pieces including that idiot girl
who didn’t have a clue except beyond her clothes and her selfish desire to
date.
“Everything
okay?” Essie said, walking up behind her.
“Now it
is,” Buffy whispered, turning to look at the woman beside her. Essie was one of
the most beautiful women she’d ever seen. She was petite, with short blonde
hair and blue eyes the color of a summer sky. And her heart was as beautiful as
her looks. “I…couldn’t stand looking at her anymore.”
Buffy had
been there for three days now clinging to the wall around her. Afraid of the
repercussions of letting go she’d held her emotions close to her breast. She
paced the room, stepping out of the way of the broken glass and Essie now
sitting on the edge of her bed. If something didn’t happen soon she was going
to explode. Like a junkie in withdrawal the shaking had returned. Her body
unable to hold onto her overloaded senses anymore was going to give up the
fight.
“It’s all
there in my head,” Buffy said, turning to walk the other way. “Telling me what
a bitch I am, how stupid I was, how vicious I was in my certainty that I was
right. I can’t sit still because it will suffocate me.”
“What do
you want to do, Buffy? Not the answer that you think you should give but what
are your senses telling you?”
“To run.”
It was
simple. Catch a train or a plane away from Sunnydale. Start a new life
somewhere with no reminders of her past. They could be squirreled away like William’s
memories.
“Come on,”
Essie said, taking her hand. She led Buffy to the back entrance of the clinic
and tugged her outside. “I know it’s probably not what you intended.” She swept
an arm out the landscape behind them. Hills and forest stretched for as far as
the eye could see. “Run. There’s five hundred acres for you to pound away at
the wall you’re behind.” She slipped a cell phone in Buffy’s pocket and gave
her a gentle push. “You won’t heal until you let it loose. And it sounds like
you’re ready to do that.”
“What if I
get lost?”
“You
won’t,” Essie said. “The cell phone has a two way radio and I’m going to give
you a ten minute head start then I’ll follow on horseback. You’re safe.”
Buffy felt
silly at first and only walked through the field. But the voices came; bringing
with them the recriminations they always did and she walked faster. By the time
she hit the line of trees she was jogging and it was only a matter of moments
before she was running like the hounds of hell was after her. But they were.
Her hounds carefully raised to protect the persona she’d perfected since she
was fifteen.
They nipped
at her heels as they barked out the truth and fears. You took a good man and
you broke his heart. You let your children be in danger. You were a lousy
friend. You were always more concerned with how things affected you. You let
Jenny die. You had a stranger punished for something that she didn’t really do.
Every fault she’d ever carried any guilt for rained down around her as she ran.
She fell,
sprawling onto the ground when she tripped over a tree root. Buffy lay there
for a moment listening to the pounding of her heart and feeling the sweat as it
rolled down her body. She sat up and spat the dirt from her mouth. But as soon
as she opened her mouth, she screamed. Every single time she’d stifled anything
in her life was set free as the mournful wails left her. And finally when her
throat was raw and the only sound she could make was a squeak, she found her
catharsis in tears. Arms held her when Essie found her and she lay there in the
leaves and the dirt as her soul emptied itself.
“Cry it all
out,” Essie cooed, stroking her back. “Don’t let anything remain in those dark
corners. Pull it all out and let it go.”
It could
have been hours that she cried. Buffy wasn’t sure of anything when she weakly
pushed herself to stand. A final sniffle accompanied by a dirty hand that wiped
the tears from her cheeks left her looking like a child that had been lost for
too long. And for the first time since she could remember when Buffy felt
strong and sure even standing in the ruins of her life. Hope had been unburied
and she held onto it with a death grip
~~~~~~~~~~
And wave goodbye to yesterday
As I dance among the flames
Monday
through Friday from
She said
the words she’d never said before. The beauty of making love for the first time,
the horror of watching that love falling apart, the things that slipped through
her fingers, the dreams she could never have, the love for a vampire that still
terrified with its intensity. The need to punish herself for all the things she
should have done and never did. It was all laid bare, ugly, scary, joyous, and
welcoming, while she worked her way through boxes of tissues.
Twice a
week Sara joined them, offering nudges when Buffy became caught in a loop,
asking questions of things she already knew. Slowly the landscape of her life
became a bit easier to traverse as the road was cleared of debris.
Today it
was just Buffy and Essie facing her guilt.
“What were
you trying to accomplish by having Nikki attacked?”
“To make me
feel like I was fighting for him,” Buffy said, ducking her head. “Twice in a
year he’s looked to another woman for something he can’t find with me.”
“Did it
work?”
Buffy shook
her head. “No, it only made it worse. It’s one of the things he can’t forgive
me for.”
“Did he
tell you that?”
“It’s
something that I can’t forgive myself for.”
“Am I going
to have to pry this out of you? Why? Why no forgiveness? Why did you think it
was all right to hire someone to attack a woman that your husband didn’t even
sleep with?”
“So, it
would have been all right if he had?” Buffy said, smiling.
“Maybe a
little more understandable,” Essie said, returning the smile.
Buffy drew
her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. “I was so pissed. More than
pissed I was enraged at the thought that my husband, my lover, would even look
at a two bit tramp he picked up in a bar.” She flung her arms and head back
against the couch. “Arrgh, just like Riley did. Damn it. They all fucking do
this. Angel turned his back on me and walked away, Riley was letting some vampire
whore suck from him and William…oh God, I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted to
hurt them all but I couldn’t do anything to William. I needed him to survive.
Drusilla was there encouraging me. And it felt good to strike back for once.
They never heard my rage and my pain. They told me how I was supposed to feel.
They told me what I wanted. Decisions without my consent and I hated them for
it.” She buried her face in her hands as the tears came again. “All I wanted
was to be loved.”
“Were they
without pain? Did you listen to their feelings?”
“No,” Buffy
whispered. “Their pain was my fault. I wanted things they couldn’t give me.
I’ve always demanded too much.”
“Asking for
what you need is not demanding too much,” Essie said. “William didn’t do it
though. He may have faltered but he chose to do the right thing in the end. Why
do something that would only push him away? Was it you or Drusilla that came up
with this plan?”
“Dru.”
“What did
she have to gain by encouraging you in an act that would drive another wedge in
your marriage?”
It was too
simple and she’d been too blinded to see.
“William,”
Buffy said. “If he hated me then he would be free for her.”
~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t try to save me now
Let the walls of my world all burn
down
Just stand back and wait ‘til the
smoke finally passes
And I will rise from the ashes
“Buffy,”
Nurse Calloway said, her voice breaking through the Slayer’s attempt at
journaling and making Buffy look up with startled eyes. “You have visitors.”
William. Journey.
Her heart
soared with hope as Buffy made her way to the lobby. He’d come. She turned the
corner and felt her heart break again. It was Raven that saw Buffy’s attempt to
hide her pain behind a mask of happiness. Her daughter ran to her and wrapped
her in arms as strong as her own.
“I’m sorry,
Mummy,” Raven whispered, her fingers petting her mother’s back. “He wouldn’t
come. I begged him but he wouldn’t.”
“It’s
okay,” Buffy said, determined that her child wouldn’t carry the guilt of her
sins. “It’s okay. I should have known he wouldn’t.” She opened one arm to the
others who’d come with Raven: Sean, Josh, Dawn, Connor, Clem and Bryant. They
were the ones who’d been able to stand by her during her entire pregnancy
without judging or turning from her instantly surrounded her in a group hug.
She accepted kisses and touches as they welcomed her back into the fold.
“We brought
presents,” Bryant said, holding his hand up to show her the gift bag he held.
“Goody,”
Buffy said. She turned to the nurse at the front desk to let her know she was
taking over the small lounge that the group sessions were held in. Once given
an approval, Buffy led them to the back of the building to a room that
overlooked the courtyard. “Come on, everybody sit, talk to me.”
“He’s good,
Mum,” Sean said, sitting on one side of her. “Dad is Dad. He’s taken over
everything and seems happy doing it. And Journey, we’ve started calling her Joy,
is just that, a joy.”
“Daddy’s
joy,” Buffy said. “And Elijah?”
Raven
looked away then back to her mother. Buffy could see the anger that still
lingered in the teenager’s eyes. “He’s doing better. He’s confused because
there isn’t anyone to connect to anymore. And he thinks he’s failed because you
and...her are gone.” Raven spat.
“I was wrong,
Raven,” Buffy admitted. “At the time, with the things that were going on, I
thought I was right but I wasn’t.”
There was
almost a relief that went through the young people at her confession. The
sincerity of her words seemed to free them as they broke out into gossip about
what everyone was doing. For a few minutes she was brought up to date with
everyone’s lives until Bryant lay the first present on her lap.
“Thank
you,” Buffy said opening the bag and pulling out her gift wrapped in tissue
paper. Carefully she unfolded it to reveal a picture of Spike and Journey. It
had to have been late or a particularly brutal day because Spike’s hair was
sticking out all over, his eyes bleary as he fed their baby. It was the most
beautiful thing she’d every seen and wished she was ready to go home. “Again
thank you. I’ll treasure this.”
“Another
one,” Dawn said, putting a small box on her lap next.
This one
was a picture of her four children with Elijah holding Journey and the teens
flanking them. A tear fell onto the glass and she wondered if they knew
something she didn’t. That these small tokens would be all she’d have to
remember her family by.
The rest of
the visit passed in a happy blur of playing cards and eating the cookies that
“Thanks,
Buffy,” Essie said, biting into the chocolate chip masterpiece. “Oh my, this is
good. So, how did your visit go?”
“Good,”
Buffy said, looking around before meeting those eyes again. “I was wondering if
I could take one of the horses out. I really enjoyed it the day that you
brought me back and I just want to get out of here for a little while.”
“Want some
company?” Essie asked. “This is stuff that can wait. I could stand to get out
of here for a little while.”
Buffy had
discovered a new passion in horseback riding. The day that she had taken the
run, Essie had brought her back on her horse. It had been exhilarating,
rivaling the feel of riding on the motorcycle with Spike, but she wanted more
control. The rest of the afternoon was spent learning how to flow with the
animal’s movements and to control the speed. By the time they returned to the
clinic, galloping through the field, Buffy knew that soon she’d have her own
horse. It was love at first sight and the feeling of flying was something to be
included in the new life she was building.
~~~~~~~~~
For all that I’m losing
Much more will I gain
Don’t hope, don’t hope, it’s not
him, don’t hope,
Buffy chanted in her mind as she headed for the lobby again. She’d been paged
to the front and knew it had to be a visitor. Taking a deep breath she turned
the corner and looked for who had come to see her. She stopped suddenly when
she saw that it was Cordelia. Their eyes connected and Buffy could see the need
for a friend in her long time rival. The next thing she knew they were hugging.
Not a phony ‘because we have to hug but because we need to hug’ hug.
“Hi,
Buffy,” Cordelia said, stepping back. “I hope you don’t mind me stopping by.”
“Oh, yes,
it’s right on your daily route,” Buffy said, taking the brunette’s hand to lead
her out to the garden. “What made you jump in the car and drive over two hours
to visit me?”
“I need an
ally,” Cordelia said honestly, sinking down on the bench next to Buffy.
“They’re bitches, every single last one of them, bitches.” She hid a sob as she
looked down at her hands. “I’m sorry. You are the last person who needs someone
coming undone on them since you’re a little undone yourself.”
Buffy
laughed. Even in agony, Cordelia still had the tongue of a viper. It was almost
comforting in her need for reminders of home.
“It’s
okay,” Buffy said. “Who are these bitches that you’re referring to?”
“Do you
know that we have become the outcasts? You and me,” Cordelia said. “Everyone
has taken their sides and we have become the family pariahs. Do they ever think
about what the hell we go through with those vampires? We live with them but
the first time something isn’t to their liking we’re instantly at fault.”
“But we did
what they are accusing us of,” Buffy said gently. “Give Angel time. He’ll come
around.”
“Do you
know what he did to me? Me?” Cordelia said, laying her hand on her chest. “He
had the audacity to serve me with divorce papers.”
It couldn’t
be true. Dawn had told Buffy what had happened but she didn’t think Angel would
take it so hard. It wasn’t pleasant but it wasn’t anything like what she had
done to William. If they were as close as she thought they were then it didn’t
seem like it would take much time until she received her papers, too.
“What did
you do?”
“Shredded
them and sent them back. He’s not going to get rid of me so easily. He and
Spike are all heady on this power trip since they decided to establish Aurelius
Enterprises. They’re running around like frickin’ mob bosses or something.”
Cordelia stood to pace the small pathway. “Do you know that they’re even
talking about backing a construction company for Xander? Xander, of all people
is in good with Angel while me, who went through hell several times with that
vampire, he’s trying to get rid of. I am so pissed.”
“Stay that
way,” Buffy advised. “What else are they doing?”
Cordelia
settled on the bench again. “They’re establishing a house for troubled women.
It’s going to be called the Drusilla
House and they’re thinking about using Sanctuary
for it. I have established myself to run the charity side of the company with
you helping me.”
“How did
you manage that?”
“Blackmail,
pure and simple, I know too much and said I’d blow his life wide open. It
wasn’t pretty but like I told him, I’m not going anywhere.” Cordelia quieted
for a moment before glancing at Buffy. “I love him too much to let him go now.”
“Keep
fighting,” Buffy said, staring off into the distance. “Someone needs to.”
“Have you
given up? Don’t you still love Spike?”
“Neither
here nor there at this point,” Buffy said. “Until I’m out of here everything is
on hold.”
“Since my
loving husband kicked me out of the house,” Cordelia said, with a grin gracing
her face. “I rented a very nice beach house for me to live in. If things don’t
work out…well, if you find yourself in the same situation you can come and stay
with me. It’s way too huge for one person.”
Buffy
laughed at the thought of her and Cordelia being roommates but sobered quickly.
She never thought that Spike would stop loving her but it had happened. So,
maybe a house on the beach wasn’t so far fetched. She nodded to accept the
offer if need be.
“Why did
you get such a big place?”
“I’m
spending his money as fast as I can. I know it’s juvenile but if he’s pissed,
he cares, so I’ll keep getting one emotion or another out of him.”
“At least
he’s thinking of you,” Buffy said wondering if William ever thought of her
anymore.
“Don’t
Buffy; he’s just really upset and confused. I’ve never seen anyone go through
so much just so they could love someone. It’s not going to die so easily.”
“But I
abandoned his children and…”
“You stop
that,” Cordelia said, grabbing her hand. “You have not abandoned your children.
If they would open their damn eyes they’d see that too. You have left them with
a loving parent, so many family members that they’re never alone, you brought
Del in to care for the house and be a surrogate grand-parent for them and damn,
woman, you even arranged to have your breast milk delivered everyday so that
Journey has the best nutrition possible. That’s a hell of a lot more than a lot
of parents would do. If you’re not well then you’re no good for them. You made
the best decision possible. Yeah, you screwed up before but it’s not like you
didn’t have a gazillion outside forces hindering your decision making
processes.”
“Well,
gee,” Buffy said, laughing. “I never
thought I’d see the day when Cordelia Chase was fighting on my side.”
“Just
listen to me, woman. We’re going to make it because that damn family wouldn’t
exist if we hadn’t pushed those vampires to get their acts together,” Cordelia
said, her eyes shiny with tears as she hugged Buffy. “Don’t give up. Not ever.”
~~~~~~~~~
The hard part is choosing
To change what needs to be changed
My step will be much lighter
With these demons off my chest
All the
patients with arrangements to go into town were standing outside the clinic
waiting for the van. Buffy stood off to the side. Even after weeks of being
there she still hadn’t accepted anyone’s friendship. She needed the isolation
to learn the rhythms of her body and mind again. To get used to the quiet
inside her mind, that ached sometimes with the loneliness of not having anyone
else’s thoughts flooding it.
This was
also the first time since she’d arrived that she was facing the outside world
again. It was terrifying but her time here was dwindling and she needed to
acclimate herself to living again. When the van stopped, Buffy climbed into the
back seat, curling into a corner while the others, chattering in friendly tones
sat closer to the front.
“Do you
mind if I sit here?” Judson asked, waving a hand at the seat.
“That’s
fine,” Buffy said, wondering why he’d want to be by her. He’d constantly picked
on her in group sessions and watched her like a hawk for something to be wrong
so he could report her.
“I don’t
hate you, you know,” Judson said, speaking after they had been on the road for
awhile. “You’re just too intense for me.”
The
confession surprised her as she studied him for a moment. Without thinking
about it she reached over and tucked a lock of his long brown hair behind his
ear. It was then that she realized who he reminded her of. He was a modern day
William, shy in general, especially nervous around women, artistic but smart.
She smiled at him and he returned it.
“Sorry, but
life is too intense for me right now,” Buffy said, turning on the seat so she
was facing him. “You remind me of my husband.”
“He’s a
lucky man.”
“He doesn’t
think so,” Buffy said. “Not right now.”
Judson
smiled at her. “He did before and he will again.”
Before she
could ask him what he meant, the driver was pulling into a parking lot. He gave
them quick instructions on when to return and everyone was piling out of the
vehicle.
“Do you want
me to show you around?” Judson asked, his hand gesturing to the main street of
the small town north of the clinic. “I mean…I know…since you’ve never been here
before.”
“Yeah, I’d
like that,” Buffy said.
There
wasn’t really a lot to show as they walked up and down the street. Occasionally
they’d stroll into a store. The bookstore was a must for Judson because he was
out of reading materials and he bought some books and magazines. It was as they
passed the hair salon for the second time that Buffy hesitated. Her hand went
over her hair that was reflected in the window. New start; new me, and she
walked in followed by her new friend. Two hours later they walked back out. The
realization that she’d really done it became real as her fingers went over the new
style she’d chosen. It was totally different and she wondered if Spike would
like it. She sighed because she knew he’d hate it.
“I made a
mistake,” Buffy cried. “Oh, God, he’ll hate it and take it as one more sign I
don’t love him.”
Judson ran
fingers over her hair. “It’s beautiful, Buffy, just like you are. You said that
the girl you were is gone and this reflects more of the woman you want to be.
He’ll learn to appreciate it.”
“Thank
you,” Buffy said, relaxing a little. She was twenty-seven, not sixteen or
nineteen and as time made changes in her face, was it such a crime that the
rest of her would change with it?”
“Come on,”
Judson said, taking her hand. “We need to get back so we don’t miss the van.”
On the way
back to the clinic the two huddled together in the back seat talking. She hated
the feelings that this man gave her. He made her feel like she did when she was
in high school. The fluttery feelings in her stomach as she discovered someone
new. But instead of making her want to be with Judson, they only made her long
for what she and William never had; the first date, the first hesitant kiss,
and all the silly feelings that came with new love. Her fingers played with her
wedding band and let memories flood her being.
That night
she went to look for Judson in the dining room and found he’d checked out. He
left her a small note saying it was for the best that he left now. He told her
to always leave her heart open and that she was the most effulgent woman he’d
ever met.
And for the
first time she had real hope that her marriage might survive.
~~~~~~~~~
I’m born a better spirit
And lay the old to rest
“We’re
playing dress up?” Buffy asked, sitting on the floor across from Essie and
eyeing the piles of gaudy beads between them.
“No, not
today,” Essie said, laughing. “Remember the list I asked you to do last week;
the one where you write down all your responsibilities and the name of everyone
in your life?”
Buffy
nodded.
“There is a
string of beads for each of those responsibilities and names. We’ve talked that
you are going to be starting a new chapter of your life. So, what I want you to
do is decide what and who you are taking into your new life.”
“It’s not
that simple. Some things are chosen for you.”
“No, they’re
not, Buffy. Someone can tell you something, even to be a Slayer, but you don’t
have to accept it. You could have walked away; that was something you
established with Sara, right?”
“Yes,
ma’am,” Buffy said, smiling. “So, how do I start?”
“First I
want you to remove your engagement ring and wedding band and put them together
over here,” Essie said, pointing to the left of the other piles. She continued
to point her way through the piles. “There is a pile for your children, your
friends, the dog, people you’ve known in the past. The ones for the past are so
you can decide if you want to hold onto their memory or let them go. And there
is one for the duties of the Slayer and the responsibilities that you do in
your life; like teaching the classes. Start anywhere you want.”
The
children were the easiest and Buffy quickly looped the four strands of beads
around her neck. The dog was next to be added. She sorted through her
responsibilities, picking up most and discarded a few that she really didn’t
like. They weren’t really life threatening just chores she didn’t like to do
but figured somewhere along the lines she’d pick them up again. She sorted
through the ones for the people from the past; her mother, Kendra, Faith were
easy to add. The only one from her past that she let go of was her father. It
had been years since they’d heard from and she decided that he wasn’t worth her
time or grief anymore. After a few moments of wavering she added Drusilla
because in the end they had established a rapport that would burn in her heart
for years. Dru had helped her through those last few days in spite of
everything else that had happened.
Buffy
divided out beads for the people currently in her life by LA and Sunnydale. In
the end she added them all knowing that each person was essential in some way
and worthy of being loved by the mere fact that they fought in their war. And
in the end they were her family. A family she loved to be included in.
By this
time strands were being wrapped around her wrists and ankles. The last two
things lying before her was her rings and the strand of beads for being the
Slayer. She fingered the beads and looped them on her wrist. Even if she wasn’t
the official Slayer anymore, she knew that the battle would continue to rage
and she did want to be a part of it. Relief swept through as she realized that
her life was truly her own and it wasn’t something she’d fallen into. The
people she loved and the daily tasks were all a part of who she was.
The last
was the rings. Tears filled her eyes as she searched her heart for the truth.
It wasn’t hard to find and the rings were slipped on her hand again.
“I want my
marriage to work,” Buffy said, looking at the first time at the woman in front
of her. “He is my heart and has been for years. It’s not perfect and probably
never will be but it’s ours for better or worse. And I love him in spite of his
faults and I love him for all the good things about him. I love him for being
merely who he is.”
~~~~~~~~~
I’ll walk away stronger
I will be flyin’
Higher and truer
Then I’ve flown before
For two
days she’d worn the beads, never taking them off, letting them be a constant
reminder of who she was and who she wanted to be. They weren’t heavy but rather
came to be seen as a joy as she would touch them and think of the person or
thing they represented. For the first time in years she felt whole and
complete.
And she
knew it was time.
Buffy
entered her therapist’s office with butterflies dancing in her stomach. Before
she could lose her courage she set the box on Essie’s desk before sitting in a
chair.
“What’s in
the box?”
“The
beads,” Buffy said. “I decorated the box in art therapy to hold them.”
The box was
covered in blue tissue paper with pictures of hearts and angels glued on. The
top was inscribed with the words Buffy’s
Heart. She knew it was silly, like something she would have made in junior
high to hold her diaries but it meant something to her. Every time she’d doubt
her life she could pull the box out and remind herself what was really
important.
“And what
are you trying to tell with bringing this here?” Essie asked, running her
finger over the top.
“I’m ready
to go home.”
“I agree,”
Essie said with a smile. “However, I’d like for you to have one more group and
individual session.”
Buffy
nodded. “That’s fine.” Her finger ran along the edge of the desk as she sorted
through her fears. “Would you call William and ask him if he’d come to pick me
up? If I call he’ll say yes just because I asked but if you call he’ll be more
honest.”
Essie
picked up the phone to call her husband and Buffy waited, praying for him to
want to pick her up. The phone was dropped back on the cradle and Essie smiled.
“He’ll be here at three tomorrow. So, is that good news?”
“Yes,”
Buffy said, elated. “If he’s coming to pick me up himself then that means he
wants us to at least talk things out. If he’s willing to talk then it means
he’s willing to try.”
Maybe they
would find a way back to each other.
to be continued…
A/N:
Song lyrics
are from ‘From the Ashes’ by Martina McBride.
