January 2, 2007

The teakettle announced its readiness by giving a sharp whistle. Giles moved to take it off the burner so that he could pour the boiling water into the teapot. Tara sat at the kitchen table holding Jacob in her arms. Willow and Kate were putting cookies onto a plate. And Buffy leaned against the sink staring into the night through the window. Her hands wrung a kitchen towel in a frantic pace hoping that it would absorb the nerves that were wracking her body. Her family was here at her invitation but the reality of what she was about to do hadn’t sunk in yet. There was no doubt in her mind that this was what she wanted. The unease came because she hadn’t discussed this with Spike before calling this meeting.

When the tea and cookies were ready they all sat around the table placing the refreshments in the middle. Buffy waited until everyone was settled before she turned to sit with them. They sat in patience until she was ready to speak. Tea cups rattled in the silence. Jacob started to speak his baby talk to start the conversation. Just six months old he sat in his mother’s lap holding onto a rattle that was being slowly gummed by him. Finally Buffy raised her head and one by one she looked at the people that surrounded her.

“I want a baby. I want Spike’s baby.” She laid it out before them before she could change her mind. At first there was no response as they all stared wide eyed at her. Giles was the first to break the silence.

“Buffy, it is rare that a vampire can sire a child with a human. You know this.” He explained calmly to the woman looking at him with so much hope in her eyes. It broke his heart to have to do this to her. To try and make her face reality when she apparently wanted this so much.

“But it is possible. Right? It has happened hasn’t it?” Buffy turned pleading eyes to Giles. Her hands reached out to grasp his.

“Yes, it has happened but like I said it is very rare. You have to face the fact that it may never happen.”

When Buffy pulled her hands free from his, Giles immediately pulled his glasses off to wipe them clean. The others were still silent as they felt that this was something that should be settled between the two. The tension was thick in the air as the two stared at each other over the table.

“I have faced it. Every month for four and a half years I have faced it. Every time I hold one of the children or look at your wife I face it. And every time I am with him I hope that this will be the time but it never is. It never is.” The tears began to streak her face as she looked with desperation on the man she considered her father.

“Maybe you’re trying too hard. You two do it like bunnies and that can be bad.” Everyone at the table turned toward Dawn’s voice. She stood in the hallway between the kitchen and Spike’s study.

“When did you get here?” Buffy began to hurriedly wipe the tears from her face. “Where are the guys?”

”They went down to Willie’s to watch the game. Why wasn’t I invited to this?”

Dawn moved into the room taking the last vacant seat at the table. Buffy sighed as she realized that her sister knew her secret and wasn’t about to leave the table for anything.

“Because I didn’t want you to know anything about this.” She explained to Dawn as she insinuated herself further into the situation by taking Jacob from his mother and settling him on her lap.

“Buffy, what are you hoping to accomplish by bringing us here. The four of us.” Giles asked her with a quick look of irritation toward Dawn.

“Because I don’t know of anyone else that can help me. Kate has the medical knowledge. You can research the times it has happened and tell us of anything that might help. And Willow and Tara can help with researching fertility rituals or spells or something.”

Buffy looked around the table as she spoke trying to let them know how much this meant to her with a look. But it was already there. The understanding. And the pity. She could see it in their eyes as they looked at her. Poor Buffy in love with the vampire. She gave up everything to be with him even though they were the very ones who encouraged her to come back to him. It was too much for her as she covered her face with her hands.

A hand came to rest on her arms while the thumb softly caressed her skin.

“Buffy, I’ll help all I can. I have a friend who is discreet that can run whatever tests we need to do.” Kate offered her help with this. She hated to see the girl hurt like this. Her hand came to rest on the first swelling of her belly. This unplanned pregnancy had to eat away at Buffy who had wanted one for so long.

Buffy raised her head to stare at her new friend in appreciation. It was nice to have someone offer to help that was still new to the family. She turned her head to look at Tara and Willow to gauge their reaction.

“Whatever we can do, Buffy, we will.” Willow reassured her friend hoping in her heart that a way could be found. Without realizing what she was doing she raised a hand to touch her son. No matter the biological beginning for Jacob he belonged to her and Tara just as if he had been conceived by love from their bodies. A smile born of parental pride hovered on her face.

Giles observed the look on Buffy’s face as she watched Willow with Jacob. It wasn’t fair that with all that Spike and she had been through that they would be denied a chance for their love to continue on beyond them. In his heart he honestly didn’t feel that anything would come of this but he couldn’t do this to her. He couldn’t be the one who tore her dreams away from her. Plus he knew from all these years on the Hellmouth that anything was possible. Maybe if she wanted it badly enough something or someone would bless them.

"All right, Buffy." Giles told Buffy watching her face light up from his agreement to her request. He smiled back at her as the general feeling of relief went around the room. The discussion then went into making a plan. Willow and Tara would begin to study fertility spells while Giles would look into previous situations including Angel’s startling fatherhood.

"Buffy, when can you and Spike come in for tests?" Kate waited for Buffy to give her a date so she could contact her colleague. Then she watched as Buffy's face drain of all color while she looked over Kate's shoulder. Automatically tensing Kate turned to look behind her while everyone else at the table also turned toward the kitchen door.

"Tests for what?' Spike asked in amusement. He figured it was for something routine like Buffy's annual exam or something. Josh and Xander were walking in behind him laughing at some joke between them.
"For the fertility tests. So, you all can have babies." Dawn threw out as she rose to greet her husband. At first there wasn’t any backlash to her calmly stated words. Then Buffy stood to face the consequences of her actions while Spike froze where he stood. His eyes stared at Buffy's face. Slowly it filtered to everyone in the room that something was seriously wrong as the two lovers faced each other.

The words had pierced Spike like a knife damaging his trust and security in his relationship with Buffy. It was inconceivable to him that after all this time that she would do this to him. A quick glance at the others in the room gave him the confirmation that he needed to know that his inadequacies had been discussed among them. That he wasn't able to be the man that Buffy needed.

"Who is having babies?" Xander asked as silence fell over the room.

Humiliation warred with Spike's insecurities making him unable to deal with the situation. The only thing he could do was leave. The back door slammed shut behind him as he left the others behind. His body shook from the overwhelming emotions taking him over as he headed out into the night.

"You did discuss this with Spike?" Giles asked as he stood to get Buffy's attention. As she turned toward him with eyes filled with agony he had his answer. "Buffy, you know how Spike is. How could you not talk to him first?"

"Would somebody, please, explain what is going on?" Xander threw his hands up into the air as he looked around at everybody.

"Buffy called a meeting to try to figure out how to get pregnant. But apparently she forgot to inform Spike of her decision." Dawn gave Xander the answer he was looking for. Then she turned to Buffy. "I'm sorry that I let the cat out of the bag. I didn’t know that Spike didn’t know.”

“Dawn, it wasn’t exactly your business to answer his question to me.” Buffy was angry and looking for someone to blame it on besides herself. Her hands went to her hips as she faced her sister just hoping that Dawn would give her the open that she needed to start a fight.

“Yeah, but Buffy, it was something that you needed to talk to him about. Before you talked to us.” Willow interrupted the argument that was about to happen between Dawn and Buffy.

“You had to have known how he would react.” Xander chimed in his opinion not realizing that Buffy was feeling ganged up on as they all told her how wrong she was.

“I do know how he is. And I have discussed it with him. Several times but every I bring it up he closes up and looks at me like he’s wondering why he isn’t enough for me. Then I feel guilty for even thinking about it.” She shrugged her shoulders as she faced everyone. “I thought that if I had some possibilities to work with that he might agree to try. I didn’t plan on a damn family meeting about it.”

Then without another word she turned to follow Spike letting the door slam behind her.

“Of course, it turned out this way. You can’t fart in this family without everyone knowing it.” Buffy ranted to herself as she followed the path that he took. She already knew where he was headed. It was to their bench. Well, it actually belonged to Mrs. Hannah Stone. The bench was at the end of her grave for her family to mourn her. But it had become their bench when Spike had found out about a fantasy she’d had of the two of them making love on it. It had since been used quite a few times since then by them. Both for sex and talking.

Buffy was right about where he was as she spotted Spike sitting with his face buried in his hands. She sighed as she saw his body trembling. It had never been her intention to hurt him but she had. With careful footsteps she moved toward him while he watched her through his fingers. He didn’t move though as she took a seat behind him.

Over the years they had both tried to learn how to deal with their emotions. Buffy had to learn how not to run away when she was overwhelmed. And Spike had to learn not to react with anger when he became insecure. All she had to do was wait until Spike was ready to talk to her. The more hurt he was the longer it took. Sometimes all he could manage was a monosyllabic code that only she could understand. But it gave them a chance to reconnect until they were able to actually talk to each other.

Spike dropped his hands so they dangled between his knees. He had known for awhile that she wanted children but he hadn’t allowed himself to even dwell on the possibility. The thought of having to share her with someone else tore at him. A child would become more important than he was to her. He felt as a vampire he couldn’t be a proper father which would only create distance between him and the two of them. He would be the outsider again. And eventually she would be completely gone taking the child with her. If he told her of his fears she would only dismiss them without taking them seriously.

But he had to know exactly what she meant. What she wanted. He could feel her sitting behind him. He looked around the cemetery that he had already seen thousands of times. Nothing had changed as he tried to figure out what to say to her. Finally he resorted to his codes.

“Over?” It came out almost as a squeak as he forced the word out over the lump in his throat. Her hand came to rest on his back to let him know that she understood. That she understood that he was worried that she wanted a ‘normal’ relationship again.

“It is over.” She answered him softly. “There is no one or anything out there that I want more than you. I don’t regret my decision to be with you.”

“Why?”

“I want more than what we have right now. I know you don’t understand but it’s something inside of me. I want to have a baby.”

“Leave?” This question tore at her heart as she realized how insecure she had made him feel. Quickly she stood to make her way to kneel before him. His hands were enveloped in hers as she kissed him tenderly.

“No. I will never leave. I want our baby. I want to carry your child, Spike. Not anyone else’s.”

His eyes came to search hers for the truth. As he saw the love there he began to relax some.
When she saw him softening she smiled at him. It was a smile to let him see how sorry she was that she had hurt him. His hands came out to her waist to pull her closer to him. As long as she wasn’t leaving he would find a way to deal.

“I’m sorry, baby, about what happened. The guys didn’t know what was going on. I thought you all would be watching the game for most of the night. And Dawn was supposed to be with Anya. The others were supposed to help me figure out how to do this.”

While she spoke he continued to gaze into her eyes watching for a moment of deceit. But it never came. He gently tugged her forward to hold her against him. When they were body to body he felt no fear of being alone. It was when she was away from him that he could feel the wall between them. However small it might be. And because it was there without explanation he could never let himself fully trust that she would always be there.

“Spike, please? Can we try?” Her words were muffled into his shoulder as she begged him for the chance. If he refused to try then she would have to learn to live without ever bearing a child. There was no way that she would leave him like before or allow herself to become pregnant by another man’s seed. And she knew that he would never allow that either.

“All right, Love.” Spike gave in because he never could deny her what she wanted. But he knew in his heart that it would never happen. That they would never conceive a child together but he couldn’t break her heart by telling her no. And maybe if they at least tried for awhile she could learn to let go of this. “Six months, okay? That’s it.” And he sealed the deal by giving them a time limit. Spike had no clue what would go into their ‘trying’ except having sex. Which they were already doing on a regular basis so it didn’t seem like it would be that big of a deal.

Buffy squeezed him around the neck as he agreed to try. If he was willing to try then maybe something would happen and she would become the mother that she wanted to be.

Spike held her tightly to him as she rejoiced in the news. He could only hope that he hadn’t made a mistake in agreeing to this.

Calmness enveloped the couple as they held each other. A new path in their lives had been set in stone that night. A path that neither of them thought they would ever travel.