June 15, 2007 11:20 PM
The night air was cool as it blew around him. Although he didn’t need the oxygen Spike inhaled deeply filling his lungs with the sweet scent of flowers Buffy had planted in the garden. He glanced around at the tranquil beauty that surrounded him in their backyard then at the cemetery that started right beyond the wall that encircled their house. Even the marble tombstones with the moonlight shining on them had an air of serenity to it. If only he could dive into it to calm the turmoil in his heart then he might be able to accept the life he was now living.
With a heavy sigh he sat on the back steps and shook a cigarette from the pack in his hand. After lighting it he let his mind drift back over the past five years with Buffy. When she had returned he had been so afraid of her leaving again that he showered her with all the love in his heart. They had never talked over what had brought them together again and the time before when they had first lived together (including those tumultuous months apart), had all been swept away under a rug, and they existed in an idyllic fog of love.
It had been so much fun. The two of them had spent their days fixing up the house, the evenings patrolling and their nights making love. Sometimes it wasn’t in that order but never much more than that. Everything to them was foreplay, he thought with a laugh, even their arguing. It had been a life of no responsibilities: nothing heavier to deal with than the next demon, vampire or hell god that wanted to take over the world and they could handle that together.
It wasn’t until everyone around them had grown up or taken a chance on expanding their personal lives that things had gotten rough for them. Spike had sensed the yearnings that started to develop in Buffy as they watched their friends get married and have families. And it scared him. Because he didn’t want that much to tie him down. If he could choose he would do nothing but continue to live with Buffy forever the way they were.
His one distraction from them - his writing - had brought him and Buffy the income that could provide them with what they wanted. If not for her being the Slayer and their duties to fight evil, he would have taken her away to show her the world if only to see the joy of watching her face as she saw and did things that she had only heard or dreamed about.
The being rooted in one place was also something that itched. Ever since he had been turned he had never stayed in one place as long he had in Sunnydale. But he had remained for her. His love for her was wild and passionate and all consuming of everything that he was and it’s intensity chained him to her side.
Their time apart had taught him that he could stand on his own. He was someone separate from her and didn’t need a love to complete him. But once she came back it had flickered at him again and he let it burn him. Let it burn them. She had never gone back to work only doing the classes at Tara’s every once in a while. There were a few classes at the university she had attended but there was never a serious attempt at completing her education and it was something that had never bothered him. Actually, it had been something that he had eaten up, having her dependent on him. Now, it chafed.
It all chafed since she had asked him to try to have a baby with her. Their worlds had changed. Buffy especially had changed. There was now an insecurity to her that hadn’t been there before. Every month that she hadn’t been pregnant she had clung to him a little more emotionally. Buffy wasn’t as sure about little decisions like she used to be and she ran to him for things that she hadn’t done in years. The carefree woman he had been living with for the past five years had slowly disappeared and the depression slowly beckoned at her again.
And where it once was a responsibility he accepted gratefully now it was like a weight around him. Once he was willing to be her slave and now he wanted only freedom. The house that had been his haven was now his prison. This human guise was who he thought he could be but now it felt like nothing more than a masquerade ball for his demon side.
All day he had been watching her. Their smiles were almost uncomfortable when their eyes met as they wondered what was on the other’s mind. He still loved her. He knew this as surely as he knew that he would never stand in the sun’s embrace again. No one would ever possess his heart like Buffy did. Nor did he want anyone else too.
Then an image drifted through his mind of Donna. The one who made him long for things he couldn’t have. Donna’s smile was open to him. Her eyes lit up when she looked at him. Like he was a present that she thought she would never have. Buffy hadn’t looked at him like that in the beginning. It had been a fight from the start for her to love him and even now he wasn’t sure that she fully loved him. There was something that he couldn’t put his finger on that stood between them. It was easiest for him to dismiss it by blaming it on her by saying that her heart still longed for Angel. But in all honesty Spike knew that she would never go back to Angel.
Because Buffy would never leave Spike. Every other man had let her down and he had earned her loyalty by staying. He didn’t think she would survive if he left. Her heart would be shattered like fine crystal into tiny shards. It wasn’t entirely his ego that told him this but her past. It was the men that had left her alone and returning from the dead. It was the falling to the bottom of the well and climbing back out slowly by the sheer strength of her fingernails in the walls surrounding her. Another devastating blow and she would probably lose the will to even try.
Spike ground his cigarette against the step glancing up when her scent came to him on the air. She was still a distance away but coming this way. A smile crossed his mouth as he waited for her to appear. He noted the way a chill crept over his skin as he anticipated seeing her.
Then there she was. Her footsteps were light and springy. It must have a good night. He inhaled deeply of the distinctive odor of her musk. Yes, it was a good night. She had fought well and her body had responded to the kill. He knew without seeing her that she would be coated with a fine mist of sweat and he longed to cover her body with his and lose himself in the vicarious thrill of her violence.
When Buffy saw him waiting she quickened her footsteps to hasten their reunion. Her smile was open as she came to stand in front of him. His hands came to tug on hers until she was kneeling on the step between his legs. They hesitated a moment as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Her face was cradled between his hands then bowed forward as he reached around to free her hair from its restraints. It flowed around them as he spread it out over her shoulders before coming to hold her face again to draw her toward him.
Their lips met tentatively almost like it was a first kiss. He could taste her willingness to please, her fear, and her love in the soft touch of her mouth. It wound around him and he knew he had to make a decision as to what he wanted. Her tongue requested more from his mouth as it lapped at his lips and he opened for her. A moan rumbled in his throat as she eagerly wrapped her tongue around his. He could almost feel the smile of womanly fulfillment on her lips.
Buffy smiled up at him as she pulled back. Then a frown took its place as she saw the distant sadness in his eyes.
“Am I losing you?” Her words were soft as they coated him in guilt. Buffy could think of no other reason for his behavior of late, the sometimes almost cruel treatment of her and the emergence of his demon, except that he no longer wanted to be with her.
Spike’s head tilted as he looked down at the woman he had promised to love forever. The one he had promised to stand beside no matter what. And if he didn’t change things then next week he would, in the laws of humans, vow these things forever. Human. It left a sour taste in his mouth as he remembered the pussy of a man that he had been. That he was afraid of becoming again. Even for her it wasn’t worth it.
“Spike, please talk to me. I need to know what you are thinking because I am so confused.”
Buffy rose on her knees and leaned her forehead against his. Her fingers gently kneaded his shoulders as she prayed for his love to continue. That he would leave her one day was something she had never contemplated.
His hands came to cradle her face as he created distance between them again. His eyes searched hers looking for answers in their emerald warmth.
Maybe he should have left five years ago. Left her with Richard who wouldn’t mind the life she wanted. Who could mow the grass in the afternoon sun, who could give her children, who would know he was supposed to make a will to protect her without being told.
One phone call and he could go. He would be in the adrenaline rush of daily fighting, the world would be his to travel again and a woman by his side who had wanted him as he was from first sight. It seemed so easy. Easier than staying here. Easier than dealing with the day to day grind of who he had become.
But that phone call would destroy the woman in front of him. She would try to survive. Be strong because that was who she was but she would grow careless and in that she would lose the fight one night and never come home.
Her fate would be his responsibility though. Her unfortunate demise his burden to carry. As he held her face in his hand he knew that he could destroy her with one twist of his hands. Then it would be quick and she would know only one moment of betrayal rather than living it with over days and months until it was her destruction.
A tear slowly wound its way down his cheek as he pulled her against him. His arms wrapped protectively around her body knowing he could never willingly let harm come to her.
“Me too, Buffy, me too,” he whispered into her ear as she came to sit with her arms wrapped around his waist but still protected with his body surrounding her.
“Let me help,” she implored of him to give her a chance.
His cheek came to rest against the top of her head.
“Too much.”
“What is?”
“Our lives.”
It seemed they were back to an almost monosyllabic conversation but it was better than the cold sarcasm of the last few weeks.
“Then why the children? If it was too much then why say yes.”
“Told you. It’s like seeing a reflection that I hadn’t seen in quite a while. The fascination too much to let them go.”
Her fingers drifted across his arm.
“Was it for her?”
“Some.”
“Do you want her?”
Her voice held all the insecurities that her soul could contain.
“The freedom.”
Buffy stiffened in his arms as those two simple words hung heavy like an anvil between them. It hovered in the air while it waited for the signal to fall and destroy whatever was below it.
“Am I holding you back?”
The first tear came as fear curled itself in her belly.
“I promised to stay.”
The anvil fell onto Buffy’s dreams effectively destroying them. He held her tighter as he felt the first shudder take her body.
“Do you want to go?”
Buffy pulled herself together. It wasn’t the time to fall apart now. Later if needed.
“Yes.”
He whispered into her hair as his fingers dug into her sides. The word had come so easily to her question that it scared him. The demon, the man that he used to be and the being he was now all screamed for him to run before he was caged completely and forever by his love for her.
“Then go, Spike.”
Her words carried a relief to them. As if it would be an end to the pain that they were causing each other if he left.
“Buffy. Do you want me to go?”
Something inside of him begged for her to ask him to stay. If she pleaded then he would stay. He could never refuse her what she wanted. It was that flaw that had gotten them to this place where reality was too much.
“No. I don’t want you to go. But I will never beg anyone else to stay with me.”
Buffy pulled herself from his arms to stand facing the cemetery refusing to look into the heartbreak of his eyes. A warm wind came gusting around the corner of the house and she turned her face into its rampage. It dried the traces of tears still on her cheeks and she released her heart to its wayward flight. In that moment something changed within her. The innocent belief that their love would last forever was gone but she wasn’t ready to give up on them either.
It was time to fight for what she wanted. He had done it once for her. She still wasn’t sure what was going on with him but she knew that they could handle it together. But first he had to be willing to fight for them. And if it was freedom that he wanted then freedom he would get.
The sounds of his sobs reached her and she turned to go to him. She came to sit beside him on the steps pulling on him until he was half lying across her lap. Her fingers ran through his hair as she cooed soft words of comfort to him. Then when he was ready she pushed him up again. This time his face was cradled in her hands.
“Go, Spike. Figure out what you want. You have a week to give me a decision. I wish I could give you longer but that’s when we are supposed to make everything legal.”
“But the house and the children?”
It had never occurred to him that she would tell him to go. That she could be this strong. It was like a huge chasm had opened up in front of him and he was on the brink of falling in.
“I’ll handle whatever comes up. But you need to decide about those two kids who already love you. If you are going to be with her instead then you need to decide if they are going with the two of you or what. If not then maybe Xander and Anya will take them. I don’t think they will give them to me by myself.”
“Do you not love me?”
Buffy smiled at his question as already he was coming to face what he thought he wanted.
“Always. But I don’t want you with me unless you want to be. Remember a week.”
She stood leaving him alone with his choice as she made her way into the house. A quick walk through the house to make sure everything was secure before she made her way upstairs. It took everything she had to stay calm as she checked in on Raven and Eli. Light touches on their cheeks after she had pulled their covers around them then she turned to go to her room.
Without thinking she reached for the t-shirt Spike had worn the previous day out of the laundry basket. She inhaled his scent as she pulled it over her head. Bed beckoned to her as a safe haven as she curled up holding his pillow against her.
“It’s going to be all right.” She whispered to herself as she stared out the window waiting to hear if he would come into the house.
Finally after a long time she heard the back door shut then followed the sound of his footsteps as they came up the stairs. Buffy closed her eyes as he came into their room then watched him from under her lashes as he went to the closet and pulled his clothes off.
As his footsteps came closer to her she closed her eyes again then she felt his hand on her shoulder. Her eyes opened to see him squatting next to her. His eyes sought hers out in the near darkness.
“Buffy, can I still sleep in our bed?”
“Yes.”
He stood to walk around the bed to slip in on the other side. Buffy put his pillow back onto his side of the bed before he got there then she slid to the other side away from him.
The bed gave under his weight as he settled onto his side. Then as she finally drifted into sleep she felt the barest touch of his fingertips against her back.
