April 10, 2007 6:25 PM
When Kate had gone into labor earlier the family, save for Tara and Anya, had gathered at the hospital. They had decided to stay at home with the children allowing their partners to stand in for them. As it was the rest of the family had crowded into the small labor room. Giles had stood on one side of Kate’s bed while Dawn had taken the other side. Josh hovered behind Dawn while Buffy, Willow, Xander and Spike had taken up spots around the room.
Then the four of them had been relegated to the waiting room when Kate had progressed into the pushing stage of her labor. In the waiting room Buffy and Spike had taken the chairs on opposite ends of the couch leaving it open for Xander and Willow. As they all sat down Willow looked from one blonde to the other who were looking anywhere but at each other.
They had both been happy and sociable while they had been in the room with the expectant family. As soon as they had walked out of the room the pair had lapsed into a tension filled silence. Xander glanced at Willow with a questioning look but Willow could only shrug her shoulders. As far as she knew everything had been fine when she had spoken with Buffy yesterday. Well, at least at that time she hadn't said anything was wrong.
"So, Spike, want to go find the vending machines? Get loaded up on drinks and snacks while we wait." Xander asked his friend as he stood. Maybe if Buffy and Spike were separated they could find out what was going on. All he knew was that Spike had been more edgy lately. They had gone out Sunday afternoon together to play pool down at Willie's. Their regular hangout since it had been transformed into more of a sports bar for demons and humans than the unsavory place of the past. Xander had been worried about his friend as he had started drinking earlier than usual and had been smoking again.
"Sure." Spike didn't even glance at Buffy as Xander found out what the girls wanted. Buffy didn't seem to want him around anymore so he didn't bother to try to talk to her. If she 'needed' him she would come to find him.
As soon as Xander had finished talking to the girls the two men walked away from the waiting area and down the hall. Once they were out of sight Willow scooted to the end of the couch closest to where Buffy's chair was.
"So, what's going on between you two?" Willow questioned her best friend. Things had been tense between the couple as their agreement was reaching an end, but now it seemed as if they weren't even talking.
"Everything is fine, Will." Buffy only glanced over at Willow before returning her gaze to the same spot on the carpet.
“No, it’s not. Why even bother lying to me?”
Willow got a smile for her prodding then Buffy shook her head as if to further confirm her reluctance to talk. Though, in the end, she finally opened up.
“He won’t touch me at all. We don’t talk and he stays in his damn study all the time.” Buffy rushed determined to get it out.
“Why don’t you talk to him? I mean, if you don’t talk, maybe if you talk first, he would talk back.” Willow babbled out trying to avoid the topic of touching. It wasn’t like Buffy and she hadn’t talked about their sex lives before but since Buffy wasn’t getting any it didn’t seem like a good subject.
“I do try.”
“About something besides a baby?”
“Yeah, about patrolling, the house, his book, anything to get him to pay attention to me. All I get is a brick wall. Take last night, for example. He was watching TV and when I curled up next to him he got up and went to bed.”
Willow smiled at her friend.
“Well, Buffy, you know why he did that?” Then after a brief pause Willow furrowed her brows to make sure that Buffy did know. “You do know why?”
“Well, yeah, because it makes him want to have sex. Which we can’t do right now. But does all touching have to lead to sex. I mean, can’t we just hold each other and stuff.” Buffy crossed her arms in front of her as her voice went into a whine mode. She could handle touching him without it automatically leading to other things. Although, if she was honest with herself, touching that didn’t lead to sex hadn’t happened a lot in the past. Touching one another almost always led somewhere.
“Maybe he could if he was getting it. But he’s not. And he’s a guy and a vampire. So, it’s double the horniness.”
Buffy laughed at Willow’s explanation. It was true about the vampire issue. The sex was all wrapped up with the violence. That’s why they preferred routine patrolling to just be the two of them. If the fight was good that night then the sex afterwards was even better. It seemed to be part of their very nature as a vampire and a Slayer. She had learned to accept it over the years. And as Spike had taken her to new places sexually she was even glad for it.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I just want to tell him that it’s okay that I give up.” She leaned forward to bury her face in her hands.
“You can’t do that. If you quit now then you’ll never know. Maybe this month or next month might be the time. You’ll always wonder what would happen which will lead to big problems later on.” Willow knew that Buffy would let it tear her up inside if she gave up. It was better to just hang on a little bit longer.
“What do I do then?” Buffy sounded almost lost when she asked. All she wanted was things the way they were before. It seemed sometimes like she was losing the only thing that was holding her together.
“Trust him.”
The two friends turned to look at each other in silent understanding. As much as Buffy loved Spike sometimes she still had a hard time trusting him. To fully let herself go in his love. To trust that he wouldn’t hurt her eventually. That he wouldn’t leave her.
~~~~~~~~~~
“So, what’s up?”
Xander waited until they had turned the corner of the corridor before asking Spike what was going on.
“What do you mean?” Spike raised his eyebrow at Xander.
“Oh, come on, you know, the big silent treatment between you and the Buffster.”
“You mean the one where she doesn’t want anything to do with me unless I am trying to impregnate her or she is teasing me.” Spike complained as the two walked toward the cafeteria.
“It’s that bad?”
“Yeah, like last night she comes crawling all over me knowing damn well we can’t do anything. Then she gets in a snit because I get up and go to bed. I mean what am I supposed to do?”
As they approached the vending machines Xander started to dig around for change in his pockets. Spike pulled out what he had and dumped it in Xander’s hand.
“Spike, you know how women like to cuddle. That’s probably all she wanted to do.” Xander offered his explanation as he started to put the money in the machines. When the sodas came down he handed them to Spike.
“Hey, I have no problem with the cuddling when I am not so horny I could gnaw on wood.”
The two friends broke out in laughter when Spike’s remark caused a woman at the machine next to them to gasp. She gave them both a look of disgust as she hurried away.
“Don’t you think that Buffy might be feeling the lack of…closeness too?”
“She can do something about it. I can’t.”
A flush crossed Xander’s face as he realized what Spike said.
“You mean she can…and you can’t?”
“Well, yeah, she can. I don’t think she is though as bitchy as she has been lately.”
Xander laughed as he figured out what was really wrong with Spike.
“That’s probably why she was cuddling last night. Why don’t you do it for her? You know give her a little. Relieve some of her tension and then maybe she can, you know, be a little nicer to be around.”
“I can’t believe that I am having this conversation with you.” Spike dumped the sodas and chips that Xander had handed him onto a table then slumped into one of the chairs. “You of all people telling me to relieve Buffy of sexual tension.”
Xander came to sit down across from Spike reaching for one of the cans of soda. After taking a drink from it he asked, “Why is that so strange?”
“Because you have always wanted her or at least you did before you finally got smart and captured Anya.”
“Well, it’s not like you never looked in my wife’s direction.” Then continued after a pause. “At least Anya said the two of you never actually did anything.”
Spike shook his head to confirm what Xander was saying.
“No, we never did anything. Doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it. But I was living with Buffy at the time. And I knew Anya really loved you.”
There was a silence between the two men for a few moments as they both processed the conversation so far.
“What am I going to do if Buffy decides to leave me? Like she did before.” Spike’s voice was filled with pain as his worst fear teased at his heart.
“She’s not. She loves you too much.” Xander tried to console him because he remembered how much it had hurt when he didn’t think he would get Anya back.
“Not enough, Xander, not enough. There is just something that is always there between us.”
Spike blinked back the tears before they could even threaten to embarrass him.
“You are just going to have to trust her.”
With those words Xander stood and gathered up their snacks. Spike grabbed the remaining sodas before they headed back to the girls. Xander’s last words echoed in his head but there was always that something between them that he couldn’t get past no matter how hard he tried.
~~~~~~~~~~
April 10, 2007 11:10 PM
Buffy held the newest member of their family in her arms. Benjamin Rupert Giles
had been born only an hour before. After being cleaned up he was now the center
of attention among the family gathered there to celebrate his birth. Kate had
allowed Buffy to hold her son before anyone else besides her and Giles.
She cuddled the small bundle to her while she ran her finger down his cheek. The wonder of such a tiny being was overwhelming her emotions.
“Thank you, Kate.” Buffy smiled up at the infant’s mother knowing what an honor it was to be able hold him so soon after his birth. After placing a kiss on his forehead she passed him to his older brother.
Spike watched Buffy place the baby into Joshua’s arms knowing that her heart was breaking. Once again she was only allowed to borrow the baby. It hurt him to watch this scene. One that would probably be repeated a few more times before this family was done. And each time Buffy would be left with empty arms. He wanted to hug her until it all went away. But how could he say the words to make it right when it was his fault.
~~~~~~~~~~
April 11, 2007 1:15 AM
They had decided to do a quick patrol before they called it a night but the
town was eerily quiet for a change so they decided to head home after only about
an hour of walking around.
Once they returned to the house Buffy moved to go upstairs while Spike went
to his study to watch television. He watched but didn’t listen since he
had the mute button on. Through the silence of the house he could hear her moving
around. Hear the water running to fill the tub. He could imagine the sound of
her clothes falling to the floor leaving her naked in the steam filled bathroom.
The water parting to let her body slide into it’s heat almost the way
he wished he could slide into hers.
He could remember the days when he would join her or sit nearby so they could talk. Back in the early days of their relationship some of their more emotional moments were in the bathroom. There were both good and bad moments that had shaped who they had become as a couple. He missed those times. He missed her. Finally, he moved to follow his heart up the stairs to stand outside the bathroom. The scent of her bath oil made him think of the way she smelled when he used to hold her. Then he turned without going in and went into their bedroom shedding his clothes. He slid between the sheets to wait for her. The temptation of seeing her that way was too much for him.
These days he didn’t even want to touch her at all. It only reminded him that he couldn’t have her. So, he avoided her. All he could do was wait until this time was over. And hope that there was something left to salvage.
~~~~~~~~~~
She followed him through the door watching him walk away and into his study.
A sigh moved through her as she noticed the slump in his shoulders. She knew
he hurt and wanted to take it away, but if she did then she would never know
if this or next month would have been the time. It was almost over for her dream
anyway. The acceptance of never bearing a child was becoming almost too real
for her. All she wanted was to lose herself in his arms. To cry away the hurt
and shame and anger. At her and at him. For neither of them being able to give
life. If it was his fault than it was hers also.
Turning away from his departing back she moved upstairs. After she turned on the water she poured bath oil into it, hoping it would soothe the ache that her body carried. It was almost as unbearable for her as him. Her hands slowly removed her clothing while running her hands across her flesh wishing that it was him touching her. There weren’t even touches made in passing anymore. No more cuddling. Or passing each other in the hall to only end up pinned against the wall while he growled into her mouth. His body pressed against her. These things would only lead to things that they couldn’t do. So, they didn’t touch.
She lay back in the water while the tears ran down her face. Back before when she had thought he was harmless she had never thought that he would mean so much to her. The only thing that made sense in a senseless world. His love the only constant in her life. The only one strong enough to follow her into her hell and bring her home. The only one that stayed even when she left. But he was the one who had also taught her that you had to follow your dreams. Run them into the ground to appreciate what you do have. She just hoped that her dream didn’t take him from her.
Finally when the water was cold she climbed out of the tub barely registering what she was doing as she dried off and put her pajamas on. After brushing her teeth she straightened up the bathroom before heading for their room. Spike was sleeping curled on his side as close to the edge of the bed as he could. Buffy moved to her side of the bed picking up her pillows then turned to leave.
“Where you going, pet?”
Spike rolled over to see what she was doing. Buffy paused in her steps to look back at him in the dim light.
“I was going to go sleep in the spare bedroom.” The words fell over each other as she squirmed beneath his gaze. Unable to look at him she stared at the wall behind him.
“Why?”
Buffy shrugged her shoulders. She knew why but she just didn’t want to tell him the reason. That she wanted to cry until there were no more tears. She wanted to cry loudly in great hiccupping barely breathing grief for what she was finally accepting would never be. That she knew that he was tired of everything that was happening between them. That he loved her but didn’t want to deal with it anymore. That she realized that he was right and she had been foolish for even trying. So, she stood there not saying a word.
Spike tilted his head in that way of his as he watched her.
“Well, love, that doesn’t seem like a very good reason so why don’t you come back where you belong.” Even though he was saying it in a teasing manner there was an edge to his voice. It was one that she recognized but right now she needed emotional release of some sort. Whether it was a good cry or a fight she didn’t care right now.
“Spike, I just want to be alone right now.”
Buffy turned to walk out of the room waiting for his reaction. He didn’t disappoint her.
“Buffy, get back here now.”
“No.” She was halfway down the hallway when he grabbed her arm to pull her around to face him. His eyes were filled with anger as he stared down at her. Then without a word he began to pull her back toward the bedroom. For a moment she gave her choice a second thought then let it go. Buffy wrenched her arm free from him then pushed at him.
Spike couldn’t believe that she was doing this. It was as if by speaking his fear had brought it to life. If she stopped sleeping in their room it was only time until she moved out of the house. After only a moment of watching her walk away he went after her again. This time he turned her pushing her back into the wall. After all the months of denying all his needs his mouth went to hers. He kissed her with all of his angry need for her. At first she didn’t do anything only accepted the bruising pressure against her mouth.
Then she pushed against him sending him into the wall behind him. They faced each other as they lost the hold between them. The past came back to them as they began to fight. She slapped him only bringing retaliation from him. As the movements brought them down the hall they were soon standing next to the precipice of the staircase. But neither of them was thinking clearly and they never figured out whose punch it was that took them into nothingness.
As they hung in space the horror of the past few minutes hit Spike full force. His arms reached out for her as they tumbled down the stairs trying to protect her with his body. When they reached the bottom she came to land on top of him. For a moment they laid there not knowing how to repair this. Or even how to take the first step.
“You okay?” His voice was gentle in his concern. “Buffy?” He called to her again when she didn’t say anything.
She moved to crawl off of him without saying a word. He scrambled to his feet to be able to face her. But she still didn’t say anything as she turned to walk back up the stairs. Not knowing what else to do he followed her. He waited as she picked up her pillows on her way to crawl into their bed.
Buffy lay on their bed wishing she had never tried to leave. When she had wished for a fight it wasn’t one like that. Just some good screaming that they were so good at. Their anger and hurt was much deeper than either of them was admitting too. Otherwise it never would have gone so far. He stood still in the door watching her like he was on the outside again.
“I’m sorry. Come to bed.”
He moved to crawl in next to her pulling her back against him.
“I’m sorry.” He put a kiss on her shoulder while running a hand down her arm. “I just didn’t want you to leave.”
“I know. I just wish things were the way they used to be between us,” she whispered to him as she shifted so that she could look up at him. But as he kissed her softly they both knew that it would never be that way again. Every illusion of their love was being shattered by the reality of their life. As they fell asleep in each other’s arm they both hoped that they could find a way to go forward.
