If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after Time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after Time
Cyndi Lauper

We hadn't made love since that night in the bathroom. She hadn't approached me and I hadn't approached her. Realizing that you are about as useful as a vibrator does something to a guy's ego. In a lot a way I knew I was more than that even if she didn't. It was the whole package really. But still I was a way to stop the pain. It wasn't that she loved Spike touching her. It was what Spike did to her that she loved. And if I am honest with myself I know that there were times when it was more. Where her touch was different. Times her kisses were almost loving. Those things I clung to. Because I also knew as long as I was here she wasn't going anywhere. At least until she decided she didn't need me anymore. That she was as strong as everyone told her she was.

It was early on a Friday morning when I woke to the smell of blood. Faint but undeniable the sweet coppery smell of blood was in the air. I opened my eyes and sniffed. Just to make sure. Buffy was asleep on her back beside me. The scent was coming from her. The first thought that crossed my mind was that somehow the wounds on her stomach had reopened. I pulled back the sheet to look. But her stomach was fine. Then I saw it the small bead of moisture perched on her curls. I dropped back down onto the bed with a groan. Buffy had started her period. I lay there for a while debating. Kept telling myself to wake her up or to go upstairs. But I hadn't been with her for a while so I gave in. The temptation was too great.

I moved to the end of the bed and came back up between her legs. Separating them so I could lie between them. I looked up to make sure she was still asleep. The last time I had woken her up in a sexual situation I had been bitch slapped. She snored softly and shifted. Opening her legs even more for me. Finally the scent teasing my nostrils told me to just go for it. It took just a moment or two for Buffy to wake up.

"Spike? Oh, God, Spike." She groaned and tilted her hips bringing them closer to me. Then I guess it dawned on her that she had started because she sat up and pulled away from me.

"Stop. Oh, my God, that is so gross!" She pulled the sheet back over her. I pulled myself up until I was kneeling on the end of the bed.

"It is not gross. I'm a vampire and it's blood. And it's not like you've complained before when I've gone down on you." My defense was totally logical to me.

Buffy sat and looked at me. Didn't say another word. But what I said was running through her head. I advanced on her again. Took her ankles in my hands and pulled her down again. Crawled back between them. She didn't protest again. Being a vampire has definite advantages. I didn't have to come up for air. It wasn't until almost an hour later that she finally pushed me off of her. Buffy took off to take a shower and left me lying on the bed with a goofy grin on my face. I had found nirvana. Sex and blood. Two of my favorite things all wrapped up in a pretty little package called Buffy Summers.

But somebody still wanted to be taken care of. So, I followed Buffy up to the shower. As I walked down the hallway I started to call to her.

"Slayer, little Slayer, where are you? Buffy, Buffy, come out, come out wherever you are." I was calling to her like you would a loved pet. As I walked into the bathroom she peeked out from behind the shower curtain.

"You okay, Spike?' She asked me with a seductive smile on her face.

"Did you know that Slayer blood is an aphrodisiac?" I kept walking closer to her.

"And did you know that you are full of it?" She started to pull the curtain around her again but I grabbed the edge and started to climb in with her.

"I'm not but you will be in just a second." I whispered in her ear as I pulled her to me. She gave a little yelp as I lifted her to the wall. The she started to giggle as I nuzzled her neck.

"I've missed you touching me. I've missed this so much." She groaned as my mouth settled on her nipple. Her fingernails dug into my back. And we slipped back together. It didn't matter why. I just wanted to be with her.

Eventually we made it back to our bed. She lay on her stomach with her face turned toward me. Her hand rested on my stomach as I lay on my back smoking. She lazily traced trails across my flesh with her fingernails. Her breath was soft and easy as she slipped between sleep and wakefulness.

"I don't think I have ever felt so good before in my life." She whispered to me. If it weren't for my sensitive hearing I wouldn't have heard her at all. Smiling I brushed her hair back off her face.

"Thank you, pet."

She giggled and moved closer to me laying her head where her hand once was. Her hand moved down to rest on my thigh.

"You ready for more?" I asked her flirtatiously as I put my cigarette out.

"Mmm, just hold me right now. I love it when I am in your arms." She shifted closer to me as I slid down to hold her.

I woke a while later to Buffy talking on the phone. She must have been talking to one of the gang because she was telling them that she would meet them later and that she would check with Willow when she called back. I laid a hand on her back to let her know that I was awake. After saying goodbye she turned to kiss me.

"Do you want to go out tonight?" She was leaning on one elbow and running her fingers down my arm. Slowly tickling me in the process. My skin developed goose bumps in her wake.

"Don't you have to work?" It was Friday and she normally worked the weekends.

"I don't have to work tonight or tomorrow night." She turned away from me and then said in one breath. "I'm working a private party on Sunday.'

"You're working a what?" I was fully awake now. A private party did not sound good. She tried to get off the bed but I was holding onto her hand.

"Spike, I'm working a private party. It's no big deal. Really."

"If it's not a big deal why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I knew you would react like this. You don't like me working at The Edge as it is." She turned back to me. "It's just some animal lodge thing. Once a month they rent out the bar during the afternoon and have this lunch thing."

"And what exactly do you have to do during this party?" My voice came out low and guttural. Buffy was right I didn't like the sound of this at all. If she had to do anything besides serve them food and drink I would tie her to the bed before I let her leave.

She rolled her eyes at my question.

"First of all it's my decision what I do. And I am going to do this party." It's like she was reading my mind and didn't like what I thinking at all. "I can make more money in one afternoon than I can all weekend. And all I have to do is serve."

"That's it?" But it didn't make sense for her to make that much money from one party of drunken middle class working stiffs then from the usual customers at the bar.

"Yeah, just serve. I make a flat rate from the lodge itself. Then whatever tips they give me. So, quit acting jealous and relax." She leaned over laying a hand on my chest and gently nipped my earlobe. Just as I went to kiss her the cell phone rang.

She picked it up. It was Willow calling her back. After a few brief words she looked up at me.

"So, do you want to go out with the gang tonight?" Buffy looked at me with that look. Pleading and innocent. I just nodded my head at her. Didn't know how this was going to turn out but was willing to give it a shot for her. This was the first time in a while that they were all planning on meeting up together. And It would be good for her to get closer to her friends again. And in a way this was what I had wanted for a while now. To be a part of them. With Buffy by my side.

When we got there the others were already there. Just hanging out and talking. As we walked toward them Buffy grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

"Hi guys."

There was all this small talk at first. Then the girls walked off to get drinks for us leaving Xander and me alone. I asked if he wanted to play pool and he agreed. There was tension between us, but maybe because it was the atmosphere or whatever but it wasn't too bad. After I made a shot I heard the girls laughing and looked up at them. They were grouped together the way women do. Looking at us. Laughing.

"They're talking about us." I informed him.

Xander looked in their direction.

"Yes, they are. And I have a feeling we don't want to know what they're saying." We stood there and looked back at them. I could make out words that I didn't want to hear. Bed. Sex. Lasting. Then Buffy looked at me and realized I could hear them. She started to blush. Then told the other girls to hush as they made their way back to us.

We just hung out for a while. Playing pool and talking. Just usual hanging out bullshit. I pretty much just listened. Was trying to find out if it was different now. If I was now accepted or if I was still just the evil demon. But in a lot of ways I was glad that the others were coming together again. Anya and Xander. Tara and Willow. Working out their problems and being able to be with Buffy again. Maybe this would make her want to get better again.

Later the others made their way to the dance floor. I stayed behind and watched them. Sat on one of the couches. Anya returned after a few minutes and sat next to me.

"You're uncomfortable tonight, aren't you?" I looked over at her and then back out to the others.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." They were more accepting of me but it was because Buffy brought me not that they thought I was okay. I started to twirl my almost empty cup of beer.

"Humans they really are silly?" I turned to meet her gaze. Sometimes I forgot that she used to be a vengeance demon.

"Sometimes."

"Then you fall in love with one and you want to be silly just like they are. And then somewhere along the way you forget who you are."

She was telling it like it was. The way I was feeling.

"We forget how destroying them can feel so good. The power we used to wield. The evil we could do." Anya looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

"Do you ever regret it? Not being a demon anymore." I wanted to know if there was any future to this. A way to make peace with going soft.

"The only time I really wanted to go back was when he left me at the alter. It hurt so much and I wanted him to hurt as much as me." She looked out at him and got that silly love look on her face. "But no I don't regret it."

I guess Xander saw us sitting there and talking because he started to make his way toward us.

"So, what are you two up to?" He asked standing above us. Looking first at her then at me.

"Just talking, mate. Don't get your knickers in a twist." I took another sip of my beer and ignored him.

Anya stood and put her hand on his arm.

"Xander, it's okay. We were just talking like he said." She was trying to soothe him before he got upset.

"Well, don't get any ideas about Anya or I will stake you myself." Xander leaned over me trying to threaten me.

And I just couldn't help myself. He made it so easy to make fun of him sometimes. I opened my legs a little farther resting a hand on the inside of my thigh. Slowly starting at his feet I let my eyes wander up until I met his eyes.

"So, you want to stake me? I didn't know you were that kind." Then I ran my tongue over my lips.

It was great. His eyes opened wide and took about three steps back. Before he could say or do anything Anya grabbed his arm and pulled him out to the dance floor. As they were leaving she looked over her shoulder at me mouthing 'You are so bad' to me. I just kept smiling. He'd recover.

Buffy, Willow and Tara were making their way back. Buffy was swaying a little on her feet. She had started to drink before we left home and had been steadily drinking since we got here. When they reached us Buffy came to sit on the armrest next to me. Willow and Tara sat on a chair next to the couch.

"So, are you two having fun?" I directed my question to the birds. Interrupted them as they were gazing into each other's eyes. Tara turned startled eyes toward me.

"Yes, I'm…we're having fun." Her hand became entangled with Willows. "And you Spike? Are you having fun?"

"Loads." I didn't elaborate as Buffy was kissing me on my cheek.

"Would you get me another drink? Please?" She was nuzzling on my neck as her hand caressed my chest. I knew that if I didn't she would go herself. Kissed her quickly and then headed for the bar.

As I headed away from her I heard her tell the girls how well trained I was. Bothered me for a second but I just let it go. Wasn't worth it right now.

Ordered another cola and whiskey for her and a glass of plain cola. Asked the bartender keep hers light on the alcohol. When she first tasted it she wrinkled her nose and gave me a strange look. But she didn't say anything. Whenever I got a chance I poured some cola into her drink. Watering it down as much as possible.

Xander, Willow, Buffy and me started to play a game of pool. Tara and Anya had taken spots on the couch. This was when things started to go downhill. Buffy started to sip everybody's drinks. Mixing everything. As she reached for Xander's beer I put my hand out to stop her. She pulled back from me. They were all watching her at this point.

"Buffy, don't you think you've had enough?" Willow reached out and took the beer from her hand.

"I'm fine. Just having a good time. Isn't that what everybody wanted? For me to be happy." She started to walk toward me. "Well, I'm happy as can be. Feeling no pain at the moment and if I should start hurting Spike is there to make it all better." Buffy leaned against me. "Aren't you?" She turned her head to look at me.

"Yeah, baby." I put an arm around her shoulder. Her eyes were hooded and glazed from the alcohol. Pulling away she made her way toward the end of the table.

"What's the matter?" Her gaze encompassed her friends. They looked at her swaying on her feet. Then they looked at each other. "What's wrong, people? We are supposed to be having fun. So, lets have fun."

Then she clutched her stomach with one hand while the other went to cover her mouth.

"I don't feel so good." Willow and Tara moved quickly to her side to help get her to the bathroom before she was sick all over the place. I threw my pool cue onto the table and leaned on it propped up by my two hands. My chin was resting on my chest. I was hoping tonight would go okay. That Buffy would be okay.

"You know if you didn't encourage her drinking and other stuff this wouldn't be happening. You go and keep buying her drinks. Then as she finished it you just keep adding more of your own to it." Of course Xander would blame it all on me. Like I had all this damn control over her. I just gave him a dirty look without saying anything.

"What aren't you man enough to admit that you're messing her life up? It makes me sick to think of her being with you." Of course he couldn't leave it alone. He just had to keep going.

I pulled myself fully upright and walked right up into his face.

"You're just jealous because it's not you. But Buffy would never give you the time of day. Would she?"

A look of pain crossed his face as my words hit their mark. Anya finally came to pull us apart.

"Xander, stop it. You don't know what you're talking about. Spike has been adding plain cola to her drink. He's been trying to water it down." He reached for my drink and sniffed it. Then his eyes met mine. Couldn't tell you what exactly happened but something changed. His eyes lost the angry look.

"So, do I get an apology now?" I asked him still holding his eyes. It would never happen but it was worth it to get to rub it in a little.

Then Anya grabbed us both by the arms to get our attention again.

"You know if you all would work together instead of blaming each other maybe Buffy could get the help she needs." We were both looking at her. That would mean a lot of forgiveness and acceptance. It just didn't seem possible. We turned to look at each other. Kind of sizing the other up. She was right. At some point we would have to let go of the pride. For Buffy. We both knew it. But we weren't ready to admit it yet.

Then the girls coming out of the bathroom took our attention. Buffy was in the middle holding onto their arms. Her face was pale and shining from perspiration.

"Spike, she needs to go home." Tara looked at me gently. But for her there was no other way. She was the calm one of the gang. The one who took care of everybody.

Buffy looked at me as she separated from them and tried to make her way toward me. I reached out a hand for her to take. When she was close enough I slipped an arm around her waist.

"See, I told you. Always there for me. Couldn't ask for anything more could I?" She smile wanly at her friends. We all exchanged good nights before I led Buffy from The Bronze. She needed to go home and sleep. We had to stop once on the way home for her to get sick. Then as soon as we got home she headed for the bathroom. After I got the bike secured I went to find her. When I walked in she was brushing her teeth. She turned when she heard me behind her.

"I made an ass out of myself, didn't I?" Buffy asked after she spit out her toothpaste. Then leaning forward she laid her face on the coolness of the mirror.

"Not too bad. It was fine till the last hour or so." I watched her staying where I was leaning on the doorjamb. Her face was still pale as she washed her makeup off. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now that my stomach is empty again." Turning she sat on the counter. "I was just nervous about hanging out with them again and with you being there. I went overboard. Really proved what a fuck up I am."

Her head was down and she was wringing her fingers again. She had been as nervous as I had been about going with them. Neither one of us felt like we belonged. But she wanted to be normal. Wanted to be a part of them. But over the last few weeks she had come further into the dark side. It had become easier than fighting. Being with me had helped that along. My acceptance of her behavior. Always protecting her. Always holding her together.

I moved to stand between her legs. My hands resting on her hips. She leaned forward burying her face in my chest. Her arms wrapped around me. As soon as we were wrapped around each other again the magic between us started to take over. Weaving its spell around us blocking out the rest of the world. But I was beginning to realize it wasn't just good magic. It was deceptive and cruel. Leading us blinded down an unknown path. She wanted to hide in me and I wanted her to love me. Whether or not it was good for either of us.

She pulled back and raised a hand to my face. Gently she traced my eyebrows. Her fingers moving down to flutter across my eyes. She was like a blind person learning my features. A finger went down the bridge of my nose. Then her other hand joined the first and she traced my cheekbones down to my chin. They met on my lips stopping there. Retracing their path until she cupped my face.

"You are so beautiful." Her voice was soft against my skin. "And you love me so much. I don't understand why." As I tried to say something she laid a finger across my mouth. "Shhh, don't say anything. I don't understand this. None of it. You have been my anchor for so long. Always there to help me. To help my sister. Why? For love. It doesn't last. It always ends in pain." She let out a short laugh. "You were with Drusilla for a century and it ended in pain. And tears. Is that what is going to happen to us? If I let go will there come a day when we hate each other again? When we try to kill each other? Will one of us succeed?"

"Buffy, we don't know what will happen tomorrow. All we have is today." My heart was screaming for her to say the words that I wanted to hear. For her to let go and let this happen.

"But you already do? I can read it in your eyes. They are so expressive. The blue changes with your moods."

"What?" If she could me then she had to read the confusion at her words.

"You already regret loving me. I hurt you so much. And you know it's only going to get worse. I'm sorry for that. It hurts me that I am going to hurt you." Her forehead came forward to rest against mine. Her arms tightened around me.

"Baby, it doesn't have to be that way. We can make this work." My words were pleading. The thought of never having her again. Never being able to touch her. The pain was almost unbearable. The desperation clutched at me. The desperation that told me I would do anything to keep her here.

"No, it will. Because I can't deal anymore. The other night when the demon attacked me I prayed to die. And tonight just proved that I don't belong anymore. They should have left me where I was." She pulled away from me pulling her knees up to her chest. Wrapping her arms around her knees.

"Why don't you try counseling? I know you said you didn't want to but maybe it would help." I don't who was more surprised at the words. Her or me. Her head came up to look at me.

"No, I am not going to be locked up again."

"Again?" When the hell had she been locked up? She had to have been really young when that had happened.

"When I was fifteen. Right after I was called. I told my mom about everything. I was so confused. They locked me up until I stopped telling the truth."

For the first time ever I didn't like Joyce very much. How could she have done that to her? No wonder Buffy was having so many problems with dealing. You were punished for telling the truth and asking for help.

"There are people who would understand. That you could freely talk to. Giles could probably find someone." My hands went to stroke her arm. To let her know I was on her side. When she didn't respond to me I asked her to think about it. Her eyes met mine. So much pain. So much confusion was in their depths. Then slowly she nodded her head. Maybe soon she would be willing to take that first step back to the light. The first step away from me.

Chapter 18