Go ahead touch me like that
The way you pull my head back
Go ahead breath me in
Bite me til I bleed
This love is like barbed wire running through my veins
Nicotine Love
Go ahead hurt me like that
I've been hurt before
I won't be fixed again
I'm not afraid to sweat
Cause I like the pain and it's familiar to me
And more gentle than most men will ever be
Jewel

I was dreaming about Drusilla torturing me. I was shackled to our bed while she poured holy water on me. Then laughed as I screamed. The pain burned through my flesh leaving me raw and bleeding. Her eyes were vacant staring at me. To her it didn't matter who I was. Just that I was there to release the demons of her mind onto. Later she would lead me through the pain to pleasure. Our bodies joined together in lust to give each satisfaction. As the water hit me again my flesh recoiled trying to get away from it. But it continued to eat away at me. I threw my head back and screamed again. A hand connected to my face. Stinging my cheek. A voice telling me to shush. But it wasn't Dru's. My eyes opened to Buffy leaning over me holding my chin.

"Don't scream. It only hurts for a second. Then it goes away. I promise." Her lips came forward to kiss me harshly. No caring. No passion. Just possession. Then as she pulled away I saw the cigarette in her other hand. I shook my head. This had to be a nightmare I was caught in. But I watched in horror as she lowered the cigarette to my stomach. We both watched it as it burned me. A smile crossed her face.

"Did you know that the skin on your abdomen burns faster than on your chest. Does it hurt more?" She was speaking in a voice that was flat. I was frightened as I stared into the depths of her eyes. There was nothing there. No emotion. I looked down at myself. Scattered across my chest and stomach were half a dozen burns. I reached for the cigarette in her hands but she held it away from me. As she did I saw burns on her breasts and upper stomach. She was nude straddled across my waist. For a moment I closed my eyes in an attempt to leave this behind. But as I did she slapped me again.

"Don't leave me alone again. Keep your eyes open."

"Okay, why don't you let me have the cigarette?" She hesitated looking from it to me. Then slowly she brought it closer. I grabbed it taking a drag before I put it out. "What's going on?"

There was a flicker in her eyes as my question hit a nerve. Then they closed as her hands came down on my hips. As she opened them again her nails curled into me then ripped around to my stomach.

"You. You promised me it would get better. You said I only had to try. But it didn't. Dawn told me today that she hated me. That I was a drunk and a whore. She told me she never wanted to see me again."

Something broke and the tears came. I flipped her so she was lying on the bottom and I was over her. Someone must have said something to Dawn. I cupped her face as the sobs ripped through her.

"I'm sorry. Dawn didn't mean it. She had to be upset about something. Next time you see her she'll apologize and it will be all better."

"No, it won't. This is it. This is all I will ever be. A vampire's whore living in the darkness I am supposed to be fighting."

This time I didn't let the words hurt. I couldn't.

"Buffy, you are not a whore or a drunk. Things are just bad right now. It will get better." As I finished she slapped me again. Then started to pummel me. Hitting me everywhere she could. Flipping us so she was on top again. Her fist repeatedly striking me. I reached up and grabbed her wrists. She spit in my face as I flipped her again pinning her hands above her head. She bucked against me. Trying to throw me off.

"I hate you. I hate this. I hate being with you. Damn you to hell." Her crying had resumed as she squirmed against me. I leaned forward against her. My free hand caressing her. Touching her. Kneading her. As I buried my face against her she reached down and bit my shoulder. Her mouth nearly tearing the flesh from me but then changing to suck on it. Licking at the blood.

"I love you, Buffy." I whispered into her ear. Kissing her neck softly. Working my way down her shoulder.

"Make it hurt, Spike." Her hips came up against me. Rubbing me with her softness. "Fuck me and make it hurt."

I let go of her hands and pulled back. The nightmare was pushing through my reality. I had wanted to hear those words for so long. A part of me wanted to. Pain and pleasure. Giving and taking. But there was a part of me that knew. Knew this wasn't right with her. I hesitated too long. She pushed me from her so I fell across the bed. The only thing stopping my fall was the bedpost. She rolled over and reached beneath the mattress pulling out a knife. My eyes opened wide as she came at me.

But she didn't attempt to stab me. She straddled me pushing me against the post again. Her lips hungry and desperate against mine. Somewhere in her mind the sex and the cutting had become one. The two ways of coping had blended into one. Buffy fell backward onto the bed pulling me with her.

"Don't you want me?" She reached between my legs stroking my cock. Her thumb running over the head while her hand was wrapped around me. "Spike, please? Don't leave me alone. I want you with me. Show me pain."

Her breathing was erratic. Her eyes desperate. I came forward on my forearms to kiss her. My tongue diving into the depths of her mouth. As I turned gentle again her hand caressed my chest. Slowly she teased my nipple. As I moaned in pleasure she twisted it in one violent hurtful motion.

"No, make it hurt." Scurrying out from under me she grabbed the knife again. As I watched she dragged it across her thigh leaving a trail of blood. "Don't you understand? I need it. I'm falling apart. It hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please, Spike?"

Buffy was sobbing again. I reached for the knife and nodded my head. She handed it over to me.

"Lie back, pet. Tell me what you want and when you want me to stop, okay?"

She slid down on the bed until she was lying under me again. I turned so I was lying next to her. Taking the knife I started to run it across her neck. She whimpered then sighed as I moved it down running the tip across her nipple. Then circling the other with it. I looked up at her. She was watching me. Waiting for the first cut with anticipation. I turned the blade and made a small cut across her breast. She threw her head back in pleasure.

"More." She pleaded. I drew it down to her belly making small scratches but no cuts across the wounds from the demons. Her arousal was heavy in the air as I turned the sharp side up and ran the blunt edge between her nether lips. She froze as I moved it across her most intimate parts.

"Cut me, Spike."

I moved the knife across her hip leaving her cut. Small drops of blood dotting her skin. I leaned forward and licked them from her. My own arousal was becoming unbearable. As much as I hated hurting her, my body was trained to become aroused at pain. And the playing with pain.

I made the final cut across the top of her mound. Making it deeper than the other cuts her blood dripping across her skin. I threw the knife across the room and bent down to suck at her cut. Her hands on my head moving me down to her warmth. As my fingers entered her she pushed at my shoulders.

"No, please fuck me. I want you inside of me. I want to be a part of you." Her words fervent and needy. I moved over her body keeping myself on my elbows but she drew me down. As our flesh met, the burns and the cuts screaming their pain all over again. Pulling them open as our bodies moved together. Her legs wrapped around me. Her heels digging into my ass as she tried to push me further into her. I reached over and grabbed the pillows pulling her up to lie on them. With each thrust I was now hitting the opening to her womb. She moaned from the sensation.

Her head tossed on the pillow below me. Her hands pushing against the headboard helping her to move back to meet each thrust. I became lost in the feeling. Pounding as hard and as deep as I could. Then something inside of me wanted more. Something inside of me demanding the blood and violence that was my nature. I wrapped her hair around my hand and pulled her head still. Slowing my hips as I moved. I kissed her as my face changed to the vampire. As I pulled away I dragged her bottom lip between my fangs breaking the skin. Her eyes showed her fright as I looked down at her.

"You are mine. Now and forever." Her neck was nestled between my teeth as I continued to fuck her. Her whimpering loud in my ear. She knew if she tried to move that I would break the skin. Feed from her. Try to change her. To bring her fully into my world.

She was quickly losing her arousal as reality hit her. I pulled out of her and released her neck. Turning her onto her stomach I entered her again. My hand between her legs bringing her back to me. She rose onto her knees and started to push back against me. Her hand reaching down and covering mine as I caressed her clit.

She threw her head back as her climax hit her. Her walls clamping down around me. But I wasn't done yet. I pulled her up then took her forward to the headboard. Moving my hands over hers positioning them to hold on. I took to pounding in and out of her again. Her body kept hitting against the wood as I thrust into her. My hand moved to knead her breast. Twirling the nipple between my thumb and forefinger. Pinching them. Then finally as I reached my peak I bit into her. Sinking my teeth into smoothness of her flesh. Her blood running down my throat. Then as another orgasm rocked her I let her go. We both fell to the bed in exhaustion. The emotional and physical exertion had taken its toll on both of us. We faced separate ways but I rolled her to me. Needing the comfort of her against me.

Buffy slowly curled into a fetal position. Her hurt so evident. We were both covered in blood, cuts, burns, bites and scratches. Lifting her to me I took her to the bathroom. Setting her on the counter as I drew the bath. When it was full I took her into the bath with me. This time we faced each other as I drew a washcloth over her. Cleaning her up. She never said a word as I did this. But her eyes never left me. Watching every move that I made. Patiently enduring my clumsy shaking hands as I took care of her. After tucking her into bed I turned to leave her alone.

"Stay with me, baby." That was the first time she had ever called me by an endearment. And for the first time that day my eyes filled with tears. I turned back to her to her outstretched arms. Like the night we first made love I cuddled into her. Except this time my head rested against the softness of her breasts. As she held me to her I cried like a baby. For the innocence that was lost between us. For the innocence that was lost in her.

When you start playing with pain. Either from the cutting or from the sex you slowly start to need more. She had already taken a first step combining her two escapes into one. It wouldn't take long before she craved more. More pain. More blood. Pushing us both further into the darkness. Till one day she wouldn't even recognize herself anymore. And I would be lost in the evil again.

It was time. Time for help. For her. Hopefully, for me. I vowed then to talk Giles. To beg him to help her. To save her. Before my love destroyed her.
Chapter 19