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T'was Grace that taught
My heart to fear,
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far
And Grace will lead us home.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Buffy had called in sick to work that night. We stayed at the crypt not answering the phone. Mostly we slept wrapped in each other's arms. We got up once to get something for her to eat and me some blood. We both knew we had crossed a line that could never be uncrossed. Somewhere in the middle of the night she woke me up with tender kisses. Told me she was just checking that I was there. That I hadn't left her there alone. I reassured her that my love was still there. She called me her sweetheart and returned to sleep.

In the morning I woke to find her gone. A note on the nightstand saying that she had a couple of errands to run. It wasn't long before she returned packages in hand. She hesitated when she came through the door and saw me watching television. It was going to be her decision how we went forward. After setting her bags on the couch she came to curl up on my lap. I wrapped my arms around her.

"What did you buy, love?"

"A new shirt for tonight. Nothing I own will cover everything without getting me fired for being too covered." Her hand entwined with mine as she softly explained her shopping. We both chuckled at her description. But it wasn't really funny. Not when she looked like an abused girlfriend.

It wasn't until she was getting ready for work that night that I saw her new blouse. It was a black turtleneck with long sleeves. In the front was a round cutout over her chest and her upper breasts. The back was cut down to her waist leaving it bare and open. She handed me a temporary angel tattoo to apply to her back. In the end she looked beautiful and sexy. But she was always that to me. My own fallen angel.

After I dropped her off I went looking for Giles. I found him at the Magic Box with Anya going over the books. Xander was also there hanging out. All three of them looked at me inquisitively as I walked in. I walked directly to Giles telling him that I wanted to talk to him about Buffy. This was one of the hardest things I had ever done. We sat at the table where he asked me what was going on with her.

"Do you know what happened between Buffy and Dawn yesterday?" I needed to know if he knew what it was that triggered what had happened between us. He nodded his head yes and told me that Dawn had overheard a conversation between himself, Xander and Willow. She had reacted without hearing everything and was now sorry for it. But it was already too late.

I looked down at my hands hating myself for this. Buffy trusted me with her darkest secrets. Her darkest side. And now I was going to betray that trust. Even the fact that she needed help didn't make me feel much better.

"Buffy has been getting worse. The depression is giving her thoughts of suicide and she is getting into pain." I pretty much mumbled the words. But they heard me. Anya put her hand on my arm to comfort me. Giles buried his face in his hands.

"What do you mean getting into pain? What have you been doing to her?" Xander asked me assuming that I would be hurting her.

I didn't even look at him but looked at Giles. His gaze met mine.

"She's been cutting herself."

"Controlling her own pain." Anya added before Xander could ask what I meant. I nodded at her comment. Glad that she understood. That I didn't have to spell everything out.

"But it's gotten worse than that. She wants to hurt me and wants me to hurt her."

Xander blew his top at that and I found myself pinned to the wall with his hand on my throat. But I didn't fight just met his gaze.

"I didn't want to hurt her. I still don't want to hurt her."

Anya came over to us took Xander's hand and removed it. She looked at me.

"Did she hurt you?"

"Some but not really."

"How?" Always practical Anya stating the obvious. Laying it on the line. I took my duster off and threw it over the back of a chair. Then I closed my eyes turning my head from then as I peeled my t-shirt off. I could feel their stares on my body. Looking at the bruises and burns. The place where her nails had ripped my skin.

"And how does she look?" Giles finally spoke up. "How badly did you hurt her?" His voice was angry and I only hoped that he wouldn't kill me yet. I pulled my shirt back on and sat down. Xander and Anya sat on either side of me.

"She is cut but not deeply." I tried to leave out where I had bitten her. Giles searched my face and somehow he knew. As my gaze met his we both knew where we stood.

"Is that why you came to us?" He questioned me.

"To you. I want her to be the Buffy I fell in love with. Strong, defiant and bitchy. If it comes to where she hates me again then I'll take it. As long as she is happy." I told him as honestly as I could. From my heart.

"Anya, Xander, leave us alone."

They both protested but Giles was determined that they leave. I waited for him to speak after they left. He didn't say anything for a while. He went to fix us both tea. I was surprised when he laid the tray on the table. He took a few sips before he finally spoke.

"Did you bite her?" He already knew the answer but he wanted me to confirm.

"Yes." No explanation. No excuses. Just verification.

"Is she badly hurt?"

"No. She went back to work tonight. Last night was the first time that things went that far. Even if you don't believe me I love her. I want her to be happy. I can only hope that someday that is with me." I went on to explain what had happened. That the confrontation with Dawn had triggered her hurt and anger. I left out as much of the sexual side as possible.

He nodded his head and wiped his hand over his mouth.

"Giles, did you know that Buffy was in an institution? That her parents put her there when she told them about her being called."

His eyes widened when I told him. Confirming that he didn't know.

"If she gets help then she needs someone that she can talk freely to. You have to promise me that she won't get hurt more." If he couldn't promise that she would be taken care of I would take her away from Sunnydale. There were places that we could go that they would never find us.

"Spike, that's ridiculous. I want to help her not hurt her." He hesitated for a moment trying to decide whether or not to trust me. "There is a therapist that I found. Her name is Sara Pendergrass. She is Wiccan and will be open to anything Buffy would tell her. I have already spoken to her and she is willing to take her on as a patient."

I nodded my head and asked him what he wanted to do. He said he had to think about it. That he would let me know before he actually did anything. Then he gave me a long searching look.

"What about you? What do you want?"

"To be with Buffy." Simple and to the point. That was all that I wanted was to love her and be loved by her.

"No, Spike for you. You have already said that if Buffy wouldn't want you at the end of this that you would be okay with it. Where would that leave you?"

I laughed caustically. That would leave me nowhere. I would have to leave here. There was no way that I could stay in Sunnydale. Not this time. I wouldn't want to and she sure as hell wouldn't want me to.

"Spike, what do you want for you away from Buffy?" He had reworded his question and asked me again.

"I don't know. Buffy has been my only thoughts for so long." I looked up at him as he stared at me intently. Taking a sip of my tea I waited for him.

"That's obsession not love. Is that what you have? That you will possess her anyway you can? Even if it hurts her?" He continued to question me. I hadn't figured out what he was looking for yet.

"No, not if I am here willing to give her up." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Okay, then Spike, what do you want for you? For Spike?"

I stood and walked away from him.

"What do you want from me? What do you want me to say?" I asked him over my shoulder. Afraid to see what was going on in him.

He stood and walked toward me. He grabbed my shoulder and turned me to look at him.

"I want to know what do you want? Do you want the chip out so you can kill again? Is that what you want? Is that why you bit Buffy?" He was literally backing me into a corner.

"No. Buffy it happened in the heat of the moment." He flinched when he realized the meaning of my words. "I don't know what I want. I am not a man anymore. And I am not a monster. Because of this bleeding chip. I don't know who I am anymore."

This time I was shouting. Just wanted him to back off and leave me the fuck alone.

"Who do you want to be Spike? Do you want to be the man or the monster?"

I was backed into the corner and it burst from somewhere inside of me. Somewhere that I didn't even knew existed.

"I hate this. I hate being a vampire anymore. Is that what you want to hear? Do you know that when I got this bleeding chip I came to you all. You were a family without the pain. I wanted that. I wanted to be a part of you. But you kept telling me how bad I was. That I was hated and it hurt. It fucking hurt to be constantly pushed aside unless you needed something. And somehow that was almost worse than the pain I had with Angelus. That's all I wanted was to belong. To be loved."

I finally broke down and the sobs came. Giles turned taking my arm and leading me back to the table. I laid my head on my arms and let the tears fall. And I knew the truth. I was tired of fighting that side of me. The vampire. All I had wanted since I was a child was to be loved. But I was always different. Always on the outside. When I was William. When I was Spike with Angelus. Even with Drusilla I came in second. And the little Scooby gang hadn't wanted me around either unless they needed the muscle. I wanted to be first with someone. And the only someone that I wanted to be first with I couldn't be.

"If Buffy was no longer here. And the rest of us were gone. Where would you stand? Would you continue to fight to save the world or would you sink back into your old life?"

My head came up to look at him. It had all been about family. Being a man or a monster. I had never made a stand on good or bad. I searched through my heart. And I knew that even if they were gone there would be other people out there. People like them who deserved to live. To have a life. People who might take my heart like Buffy and Dawn. People who I could be friends with like Anya. And I realized that there was power in being good. In saving them from things they didn't even know existed. My eyes met Giles.

"Good."

He visibly relaxed.

"Are you willing to risk everything for it?" He was on a one-way track again and this time I played along with him.

"Yes."

"Even if you never see Buffy again?"

"Yes."

"Then we have something else to talk about." He poured us both some more tea then taking his cup he leaned back in his chair. "There is a demon in Africa."

That's how he began. Telling me that I could have a soul again. He told me that he had researched it when I had first become chipped. If I was willing to take the steps he would make the arrangements. But I would have to go alone and endure the trials alone. To prove my desire to change. We both agreed that Buffy would know nothing about this until after she had made her decisions. And that none of the others would know either. I knew it was a test. If I told them I was using it to get what I wanted not because I really wanted to change.

We continued to talk until almost 2:00 in the morning. About Buffy. About Dawn. About the others. And what needed to be done. For the first time I felt like we were allies. Fighting for the same things. I finally took my leave so that I could go and pick Buffy up. He promised that he would call and talk to me tomorrow about Buffy. I nodded my head and left.

Things had been set in motion. There was no turning back now. And I could only hope that the right decisions had been made.