Under the shadows, forbidden and hot
Desire grows, more often than not
I'm sorry's a stupid thing to say
Especially considering it's not like I planned it this way
But I'm sorry is all that there is left of me
I'm so sorry this love made me hollow and left you empty
Maybe I could have loved you better
Maybe you should have loved me more
Maybe our hearts were just next in line
Maybe everything breaks sometime
It's hard to believe its boiled down to this
It seems so surreal this won't be healed by a kiss
It's hard to stare at you knowing you like I have
I used to feel so close, now I feel so bad
My heart's filled with thunderstorms and I'm ready to burst
And I've lost my favorite harbor and I'll weather for the worst
Jewel

On Thursday Giles called for Buffy asking her to lunch on Sunday. He told her to tell me that the package was waiting for me at the Magic Box. Which was his way of telling me to stop by after I dropped her off at work. When I got there he told me that he had decided that it would be best if he spoke to her alone. That with anyone else there he was afraid it would overwhelm her. I agreed with him. But he had spoken to the others to get their input. Trying to find out if they had any ideas for reaching her. We talked for a while about her.

Then I asked him some more questions about me getting a soul. Like would it change who I was. Would I get all broody and guilt ridden like Angel? Would I return to being William? Or would I still be Spike? Would it change how I felt about the people around me? He looked at me rather strangely and asked if I was changing my mind? It wasn't that. I just wanted to know whom I would be when it was over.

He told me that although he didn't know all the ramifications of the change. But he felt that it would be like an extra lock on the demon. Make it easier for me to make the right decisions. To be on the side of good. But what I had really wanted to know was if I would still love Buffy when it was over. If the people who were important to me now would they still be important to me then. Would I be able to be with them?

But these things would only be answered with time.

I tried to be really careful with Buffy from then until Sunday. Showering as much love and care as I could on her. As much as she would allow me. During the day with our normal routines it was easy for us to maintain this. Things went on pretty much like it had been. But at night when we went to bed she kept pushing to try new things. I gave in to her to a point. Mostly we played harmless games. Without her raw emotions pushing for pain it was enough. For us both.

Saturday came. Buffy got up before noon and headed out to pick up food and some movies for us to watch. We sat on the floor in front of the television to eat. She had picked up Chinese food and she passed the choices to me after she had taken what she wanted. She declared me gross when I dipped my egg roll in blood. But it was just joking around. When we had finished eating and put the leftovers in the fridge we settled down on the couch. With her lying on her back and me lying face down between her legs with my head resting on her stomach. The movie had just started to play when the front door opened.

We heard a collective gasp. Then voices.

"Oh, God, I am going to hurl." That was Xander.

"Oh, sorry, so sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." That was Willow.

"See, other people do it in the afternoon in the living room." That was Anya.

I raised my head just a little to look at Buffy who was in a fit of giggles. Then I rose up a little more to look over the back of the couch.

"Have you people ever heard of knocking?" They were all turned the other way except for Anya. Then I went ahead and stood up pulling Buffy up with me.

"You can turn around. We weren't doing anything."

They all turned around slowly. Then there was sighs when they realized that we really weren't doing anything. Xander was carrying boxes of pizza and Willow had soda.

"Come on in, guys. This is a nice surprise." Buffy welcomed them looking at me with a confused expression on her face. Like why are they here? All of them. As she led them in to lie out the pizza. Clem came through the door. Well, there went our nice quiet afternoon. Clem had brought chips and wings as usual. So, we broke out the left over Chinese and everybody started helping themselves to a little bit of everything.

As they were eating we just gathered around talking. They talked about the Bronze, about the Magic Box, and about Dawn. After everyone had eaten we decided to play Monopoly instead of watching the movies.

Halfway through the game Clem said something that gave us all something to think about.

"Do you know this is the first time that I have been at a party that half the people were human and the other half was demon or ex-demon."

We all kind of stopped and looked around. He was right. And we were all having fun on a Saturday afternoon not doing much of anything.

At the end of the afternoon Buffy told everyone she had to be at work at seven and that she had to get ready. As soon as they were out the door I turned to her.

"I thought you didn't have to be at work until eight?"

She walked up to me sliding her arms around me.

"I don't. I just wanted to be alone with you first."

I picked her up and dumped her on the couch. Where I made slow sweet love to her. And then again when she got home for work. Refusing her attempts to play. Told her it was just her and me. Skin to skin. She looked confused and afraid. But her touches were gentle and her response evident. I just wanted her to feel my love not just my body before she went with Giles.

Finally Sunday morning came. She kissed me on the cheek before she left for lunch. And as she walked out the door Giles and I looked at each other. Both of us hoping that he could reach her.

I wandered around the place. Back and forth. Waiting. In dread. My body was tense. My mind running scenario after scenario. Hoping that it would be the happy ending one. Where everybody got better.

It was almost two o'clock in the afternoon. I was downstairs folding towels from the laundry we had done last night. The upstairs door flew open hitting the wall behind it. The echo reverberating through out the crypt. My stomach clenched. I heard her yell my name. I called out to her telling her where I was. She came down the ladder and at me before I could react. She kicked me sending me face first down into the bed and the towels. My heart shattered as it quickly filled with fear. She landed on my back. I told myself just go along with whatever she did. Once it was out of her system then we could talk and it would be all right. I had been beaten by people more evil than she could ever be. I could handle it.

Her hand entangled in my hair pulling my head back. Then continuing to pull me by my hair she flipped me on my back. Her hands started to pummel me. As she went to hit me again I grabbed her wrist and pushed her away. She rolled off of the bed, over the trunk and landing on the floor beyond. I looked down at her and began to back up.

"You betrayed me."

Was all she said before flying at me again grabbing me by my arms and flinging me down on to the bed. Her fists beating at me. Around my head and face. Against my chest and stomach. I tried to grab her hands but she backslapped me. Then the screaming started.

I hate you. You told Giles everything. You humiliated me. You broke my trust. Everything is ruined now. You are just like all the others.

These were only some of the things she screamed at me as her fists continued their rain on my flesh. Her breath was hot against me as she panted in her exertions. She stood for a moment and turned to reach something on the dresser. I looked up at her and saw she had grabbed a stake and she was coming right at me. It was reflex. I didn't even think about anything except I didn't want to die. My foot came up and hit her in the stomach. She flew into the dresser. Hitting the mirror. Shattering it into a thousand pieces that fell around her.

"Buffy?"

I called out to her softly when she didn't move for a second. But she rose up on her hands. Pieces of glass stuck to her. She laughed.

"Did you think that would stop me?"

She came to me again and this time I fought back. At this point it was kill or be killed. It was blow for blow. Pain for pain. I could feel myself retreating and the demon coming forward. She grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. Her hand went between my legs. Stroking me. Making me hard.

"To think I willingly fucked a little pussy boy like you. You can't even enjoy real pain anymore. Can you? See if you can enjoy this."

Her knee came up into what she had just held. Pushing my scrotum up into my body. As I doubled over from the pain she brought her fist into my jaw. I fell on the floor at her feet where she came at me again. I could feel her bites and fists. Her hand pulling even the hair from my head. And I wanted to die then. Anything to get away from this nightmare.

"Buffy, please, no more. Stop. I can't take anymore." I begged for release. Never had I begged like this in my time as a vampire. Never had I known hurt such as this. The pain of a lover no longer loving. Even Drusilla in her madness had never done this to me.

I could hear Buffy crying now. Her tears falling on my body.

"You promised, Spike. You promised me that you would always take care of me. Give me what I need. Please Spike."

Her pleas fell on deaf ears. I was too far away to hear much less to understand. The demon tired of being second came forward. And I watched as he took her by the throat. Then my body stood still clutching her. Her feet dangling from the ground. But she wasn't struggling. She didn't attempt to fight back as he backed her up to the wall. As he bit into her neck again. Not like the other night. This was ripping into her. There was no coming back from this. Her legs wrapped around him.

Somewhere around the pain that I was lost in I heard her whisper thank you. So much relief in those two words. And I knew this was what she wanted. To die. To give up. And she was using me to get what she wanted. Somehow I took control again wrapping myself around the demon and pulling him from her. Her body slumped against me as I took her to the bed. She was slipping in and out of consciousness. I laid her there. I started to kiss her cheek and neck. Tasting her blood. Begging her to come back to me.

The insanity of the moment told me if I were just inside her everything would be all right. When I was there I could believe she loved me. That everything would be okay. I removed her shirt and bra fondling her breasts. All the while telling her that I loved her. That I needed her. I pushed up her skirt and pulled her panties off. I undid my jeans and stroked myself to get ready. I don't know if it was from the blow or the stress or the fear but I couldn't get hard. I tried to push into her anyway but she was too dry. That's when my tears came. To be denied the one thing that was always right between us just made it seem like it was over. It was done. And I lay on top of her and cried for all our pain. For the love that was never good enough. All I wanted was my Buffy and it had come to this. And somewhere along the line I passed out.

Time moved on around us. And a new day began as it started to rain. Washing away the previous day in its cleansing downpour.