There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on through the night
We have the chance to find the sunshine,
let's keep on looking for the light.
Oh, can't you see the morning after?
It's waiting right outside the storm
Why don't we cross the bridge together,
and find a place that's safe and warm.
It's not too late, we should be giving
Only with love can we climb
It's not too late, not while we're living
Let's put our hands out in time.
There's got to be a morning after.
We're moving closer to the shore.
I know we'll be there by tomorrow
and we'll escape the darkness,
we won't be searching anymore.
Maureen McGovern
I woke a little after midnight still lying on top of Buffy. She was sleeping.
Her heartbeat slow and steady. Her breathing shallow but she would be okay.
I carefully crawled off her. Once I was standing I stared down at her. There
were bruises on her face and one eye was blackened. On her stomach was a bruise
that was in the shape of the bottom of my boot. Her left side was black and
blue indicating that she probably had broken ribs. There was blood covering
her from where I had bitten her.
Reaching my hands up I felt my face. Swollen into a grotesque mask. My scalp was bald in places where she had ripped my hair out.
Backing away in horror I ran from the crypt into the night. Rain was falling in sheets. I fell to my knees in the grass. Throwing my arms out I leaned back into the downpour. It fell upon me washing the blood away. Running in red rivers down my body and back into the earth. A scream from the very bottom of my being rose out of me. An inhuman sound of pain and death.
I didn't know she was coming until I felt her hand on my shoulder. Her kneeling behind me pulling me back into her. Then rocking us slowly back and forth like a mother would for a child in need of comfort. I turned to her burying my face against her stomach.
She told me she was sorry. That she never meant for this to happen. I pulled back from her so we were facing each other. I didn't understand her wanting to take the blame. I had lost control and tried to take her life. This whole thing was my doing. I had taken advantage of her depression and loneliness. Teaching her to lean on me.
"Spike, I pushed you to it. It was my fault. I came back earlier looking for that. You warned me that you could only be pushed so far. That was what I was hoping for."
I bent my head as her words came to me. Confirming what I had thought.
"You're leaving me again?" Her question was filled with fear.
I nodded my head and I looked up at her.
"I won't stay here and kill you, Buffy. It would destroy me."
"I know."
Her hand softly came to cup my cheek. Caressing me softy.
"When I thought I was going to die I was overcome with so many regrets. And I realized that I don't want to die. I want to find a way back."
Our eyes met. Her eyes were clear. Shining with gentleness and need.
"I regretted that I would disappoint Giles. That I wouldn't see Dawn grow up and have a life of her own. That I would hurt my friends again."
She stopped and her other hand came to my other cheek. No words of me. My decision to leave was for the best.
"Look at me, Spike."
At first I refused. I didn't want to cry again. She bent down to look up at me.
"Please."
I brought my head up to look at her. Her thumbs caressed my cheeks as she rose to her knees and scooted closer to me. So close I could feel her body move with each breath she took. Then when she was sure she had my attention.
"And my biggest regret." She stopped as a sob broke through her. "And my biggest regret was that I would never see the look in your eyes when I told you that I love you."
Her kiss was soft against me. I had to be dreaming. After everything that had happened between us she chose this moment to finally say the words. When it was too late. I didn't kiss her back and she pulled away from me.
"You don't love me anymore, do you? I did it this time didn't I?" She leaned her forehead against mine. I pulled her so we were flush against each other. Her head moved to rest on my shoulder.
"I'll always love you, Slayer." I could feel her nod against my shoulder. "But this pain can't go on."
"I know." She turned her head so she could whisper in my ear. "I want to get better. I want to learn to live again. And I want you with me. Will you stay? Please?"
How could I refuse her? But we needed to be apart for a while. She needed to be strong on her own and I had my own journey to make.
"You're still leaving me aren't you?" She had pulled back so she could look at me again.
"For a little while, love. But I promise I will do everything I can to get back to you."
She nodded.
"And I promise while you are gone I will do everything I can to be strong again."
We had made our promises to each other. They would stand as solid as any marriage vows ever made.
We decided to go away for a few days. There was nothing we could do in the condition we were in. We needed to heal before we could take any further steps. We packed a few clothes and a cooler with blood. Grabbed some money from our stash and headed out. Made our way along the coast until we find a little motel right on the beach. The clerk looked at me funny as I went in to rent a room. With the way I looked I knew he was hesitating to rent me a room. I laid an extra hundred on the counter and he never said a word. He gave us a room with a kitchenette on the end.
After we got settled in I took off for an all night grocery store at the end of the street. I left her at the motel because she didn't anyone to see her in the condition she was in. Bought her food and soda. Grabbed some card and dice games. Something for us to do to pass the time. Before I left the parking lot I dialed the house. Dawn answered the phone. It was the first time I had talked to her since the day she and Janice had come over.
"Buffy is that you?" Her voice worried and frantic came through the line.
"Niblet, it's Spike. Is Giles there?"
"Spike, I'm sorry. So sorry. Is she okay? Are you okay? Where are you? Xander and Willow went to the crypt. Said the place was torn up and you guys were gone."
"Dawn, listen to me. We are both fine. We both…" I hesitated then told myself to just say it. "We both love you. Now, let me talk to Giles."
It took only a second for Giles to come on the phone. His words pretty much echoed Dawn except he added the blood that was all over the place. I reassured him that she was okay. That she would be all right but it was something that she would have to talk to him about. I told him where we were and asked him not to call unless it was an emergency. That we just needed a few days. Then his next words surprised me.
"And you, Spike, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I will be."
After that we said goodbye and I headed back to Buffy.
We spent the next week holed up at the motel. Becoming more like friends than lovers. We ventured out at night to walk along the ocean. Feeling the surf around our feet. During the day we watched television or played the games I had bought.
And we talked. Talked about everything and anything. I told her about who I was before I was turned. My time with Drusilla and Angelus. We talked about our feelings for each other. I told her that I had wanted her the first time I had seen her on the dance floor. That I think I had loved her then but it just longer for me to realize it. She told me with a blush that the first time she had wanted me was in the school that night. When I had told her weapons made me feel manly and rubbed my stomach. We joked that maybe we could have saved a lot of time and heartache if we had just acted on our feelings then. It was bittersweet because then I would have been her only love.
She told me about her childhood and being called. Her first Watcher and his death. The time she spent in the institution. And the parts I had missed when I had been away from Sunnydale. By the time we left the only thing we hadn't talked about was the future. Our future together.
And when we slept we curled together like two lost children desperately clinging to one another. Not once in that time did we make love. There were only kisses and innocent touches. Sex was one of the problems between us. An escape route and a power play. We would need to learn to approach each other differently before we were together again.
Our physical wounds healed and it was time to go home. While she was taking a shower before we left I called Giles. Told him we would be home in about an hour. We took one last look around the place before we closed the door. Both of us sad to be leaving our haven behind.
Giles was waiting for us when we got home. Buffy hesitated when she saw him but when he held his arms out to her she ran to him. He held her and they both cried. She told him she was sorry. Then when they were both calmer she asked for help. The relief was so evident in his face as he agreed to be there for her. I left them alone so they could talk. Walked around for a while and finally gave up. Took a seat on a bench outside the crypt and smoked. They found me sitting there when she followed him out.
Buffy smiled at me and I went to her. Taking her hand as we walked Giles to his car. He hugged her before he left. Turned to me and thanked me. I just shrugged my shoulders. There was nothing to thank me for.
I stayed with her for a while longer. Stayed while she took the first steps. Went with her while she officially quit her job. Arnie surprised us both by being understanding. Said he liked her. Helped set her up with a job at a fancy restaurant that his cousin owned. She would work the lunch shift and every other weekend. My favorite part was that she would be wearing black slacks and a long sleeve white shirt.
Stayed with her while she met with Doris Kroger and found out what she had to do to get Dawn back. Stayed with her while she went to her first counseling appointment with Sara. Buffy really liked her and felt comfortable with her. Which was good news for all of us.
One evening she mentioned that she would need a car. When I offered her the Desoto she looked at me funny.
"You still have it?"
I told her it was parked in the garage at the mansion. We went over one night and after putting a new battery in it got her cranked up. After we got it back to the crypt Xander came over and helped us. We scraped the paint off the windows. Gave her a tune up and an oil change. Checked the belts and everything. The next day Xander took her to get new tires put on. And fortunately for me it was Giles and him that got to teach her to drive.
Stayed with her while she found a small two-bedroom apartment in a decent neighborhood. Without her knowing it I had added some money to her stash. She never really counted it just added her tips night after night so she never knew what I had done. So, there was plenty for deposits and everything.
Then I helped her pack her things. The little chit stole almost all my t-shirts. Told me she couldn't sleep in anything else.
To soon it was her last night there. The gang would be coming over in the morning to help her move. She had headed off to take a shower. When she returned she was in the nude. She slowly crawled across the bed.
"I know we agreed to wait. But this may be our last night together for a long time and I want to make love to you."
Her hands moved across me. Her lips kissing mine. And I wanted her just as bad. This time she led us. Taking our time. Just enjoying the feel of the other. Her whispers of love as she touched me drove me crazier than anything else.
But all too soon morning came.
Her friends were there to take her away. After they had loaded the cars we stood facing each other. Not knowing how to say goodbye. I wanted to show her that I would be back. A symbol. Like a ring. As my eyes swept the place I saw it. I went to pick the duster up bringing it back to her. Laid it across her shoulders. Told her it would keep her safe while I was gone. It was enough.
"Come back to me." Then she kissed me hungrily. Pouring all her love into it. And I reassured her that I would.
Anya hugged me and wished me luck. Tara kissed my cheek and told me she would say blessings for me. Willow shook my hand. Then covered our joined hands with her other and squeezed. Xander started to walk out the door.
"Take care of her until I get back."
He turned and our eyes met. A quick nod and he was gone.
It was time. I picked up the cell phone that Buffy had left with me. Giles answered on the first ring.
"She's gone." I told him. "How soon can you make the arrangements?"
"Be ready at sunset. I'll pick you up."
It was done. Buffy and I would never live here again. Clem was moving in later that day. Whatever stuff I had wanted to keep would be stored in the Summer's attic. And then I sat and waited for sunset.
