Chapter 23 - Africa

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say: "Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had
The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become
Toto

The desert was all around me stretching out as far as I could see. The night sky of stars covered me stretching over and sealing the desert shut in the distant horizon. I could hear things move but they were beyond my sight. After taking a deep unnecessary breath I started walking in the direction that Joe had told me the village was. Forever it seemed I strode through the sand that shifted beneath my feet. When I was beginning to wonder if I had been walking in circles I heard the faint beat of drums. Smiling that I was close I quickened my pace and hurried toward the sound.

The village loomed before me like some place forgotten in time. The huts grouped haphazardly around large fires. Not taking the time to acquaint myself I just made my through the village. The villagers stared at me strangely as I walked by them. One yelled at me in a language I didn't understand. But I knew what he meant. To stop or I would die if I continued on my path. Just told him I that I didn't care. Then I was there. The entrance to the cave.

The fear ran through me but I couldn't let it stop me. The life that I wanted was at stake. It was dark and dank in the cave. I lit my lighter and tried to make out the drawings of torture and pain that covered the walls. Then I heard a voice. Turning toward it all I could make out was the shape of a large demon with glowing eyes. Its tail slowly wagging behind it.

"You seek me vampire?" His voice was low and diabolical.

"Yeah, I seek you. Like your drawings. Did you do them?"

"You have come to me to be restored." It wasn't a question. He was letting me know that my presence was already expected.

"Good. Then you know why I am here. So, let's get to it." At this point I was really hoping he wouldn't notice that I was beginning to shake.

"You will not endure the trials required to grant your request." Glad I had his vote in this little mission.

"Well, why don't you bring them on and I'll be more than happy to show you that I can."

"Very well." He stepped back and I turned as I heard movement behind me. It was the first of the warriors I would fight. This one had hands of fire that left me burned and sore. The second warrior was a two-headed demon that sapped the last of my physical strength. After I finally ripped his second head off I fell to my knees in the dirt of the cave.

"Well, demon, I have completed two of your trials."

"So, you have. Are you ready for the next?"

"Yeah, whatever you have bring it on so I can get what I want."

Then my eyes opened in revulsion as I saw the bugs. Thousands of them were crawling toward me. Then over me. I screamed as I was covered in them. They crawled over my wounds. Into my nose. And into my mouth as I continued to scream. Mercifully darkness took over and I pitched forward into the dirt.

When I woke the demon stood over me.

"You have completed the trials."

"Soddin' right I have. Now give me what I came for."

His hand covered my chest.

"Your soul is now returned to you. Serve it well."

A hot burning pain filled every fiber of my being. An intense light shone through and all around me. This was worse than the three trials combined. I wasn't even aware that I was once again screaming in pain. The demon's laughter was the last thing I heard as I passed out again.

When I woke I was laying in the shadows of the entrance of the cave. The sun was just beginning to set. As the safety of darkness covered the land I forced myself to stand. To begin my trek back to the meeting place. The villagers came out to watch me walk by. They stared in awe and pointed at my battered body. My emotions were numb and my body was all pain. Only by sheer determination was I able to continue to walk. This time was slower as I had to fight myself to continue moving. Sometimes falling and having to crawl before forcing myself to walk again.

After forever I could see the jeep in the distance. I tried to walk faster but I only moved slower. A light appeared in the east as the sun began its wake up call. The servant moved around the back of the jeep to climb into the driver's seat.

"No." I called out weakly. If he left this would all be for naught. I would burn in the sun. From the very depths of my being I yelled at him to wait. He hesitated and looked out into the distance. Grabbing something from the back seat he began his way toward me. I tried to walk toward him but my strength was gone and I collapsed onto my knees. He began to run and was quickly by my side. A blanket was thrown over me and he helped me back to my feet. With his help I was able to make it back to the jeep. I curled on the floor of the back seat with the blanket over me as we made our way back to the house.

The sun was climbing higher in the sky and I could see it trying to seep into my hiding spot. Whispering at me that it could end my misery before it even started. Beckoning at me to run into its light. I closed my eyes as tight as I could. But as I kept the sun at bay the voices began at the edge of my conscious. The screams of terror and pain that I had caused calling out to me to remember them. To free them from their torment. Shaking my head I tried to dispel them but they wouldn't leave. They only came closer when they realized I no longer had a shield against them.

As soon as we reached the house Joe and Melissa came out to help me in. I practically had to be carried. My body was at the point it could no longer move. They put me down on the bed and removed my clothes. Melissa and one of the other women cleaned my burns and cuts. I didn't speak a word. My jaw was clenched tightly shut. If I opened it for anything the screaming would start. And I didn't know if I would ever stop. They soon left me curled into a ball in the middle of the bed.

The voices kept getting louder. Taunting me. Reminding me. That I had taken their life without a thought of what they wanted. The women, the men and the children in their innocence begging for their very lives and I hadn't cared. Their fear an added pleasure to the kill. The ones I had tortured just for fun. To laugh at their pain. The lives of the two Slayers I had taken to prove how evil I was were there too. They circled at me. Louder and louder. The guilt tearing me apart.

My hands covered my ears in an attempt to stop them. But it didn't work. Then as I looked out at their sea of faces I saw them. The sources of my greatest guilt and regret. Buffy and Dawn. The terror in Dawn's eyes before I fell from the tower. The sight of Buffy's broken and lifeless body because I had failed to protect them. Buffy in my bed lying there bloody and bruised from my hand. The taste of Buffy's blood in my mouth. The two of them looked at me with such love in their eyes even though I had hurt them so. They didn't say a word but just stood amongst the others.

I now hated what I had done. I called out to them to leave me alone. That I was sorry. But they wouldn't stop. Their taunts of murderer and fiend kept coming at me.

Somehow I ended up on the floor trying to crawl away from them. But I couldn't get away. My tears began to fall as I kept chanting that I was sorry. Then in the time of the chants I began to bang my head against the floor. Hoping the pain from the blows would stop the voices in my head. But it didn't. Then I started to scream as my head continued to search for peace in the hardness of the floor.

Suddenly hands were there pulling me up. I struggled against them in an effort to get away. To continue my ritual. Soon another pair of hands joined the first after I heard Joe call for help. As the two of them held me still a glass was held to my lips. I turned from it.

"Drink it, Spike." And again it was there but still I refused it. The hands moved to hold my head still as Melissa tried to pour it into me.

"Spike, drink it. It will help you to sleep without nightmares." Somehow her soft and comforting voice reached me and I gulped the foul liquid down. Numbness began as it reached my stomach. The last thing I remembered was Melissa's hand wiping the blood from my face.

When I woke I didn't know what day it was. Or how long I had been with the demon or how long I had been asleep. The voices were quieter now just echoes of distant memories. As I looked down at myself I realized I had been out long enough for my body to heal. Outside the curtains it was dark and I listened to the sounds of the house. It must be getting late because there were only murmurs of voices. No television or radios playing. When I no longer heard any sounds I ventured from the room in search of blood.

The refrigerator was a huge commercial one because of the size of the household. I began to rummage through it in hopes of finding some.

"Top shelf on the right in the back." Melissa's voice was soft in the darkness. "We put it up there so the kids wouldn't get into it."

After locating it I turned for something to put it in. Melissa came further into the kitchen and found me a mug. After I poured some out she took it from me and put it into the microwave to warm. She gestured for me to take a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen's island. When the microwave beeped she brought the mug to me. Then took a seat across from me.

"Are you feeling better?"

I nodded my head as I started to drink.

"You had us a bit scared. We called Mr. Giles and he told us how to make that stuff for you to sleep."

"Thank you. I had me a bit scared too." I told her. Then I guess I needed a sympathetic ear and she seemed willing to listen so I told her about the voices. About the guilt.

She stayed and never said a word until I was done. When I had finished speaking she remained silent for a few moments. I didn't know if she now regretted who she had in her house or not.

"The demon that you went to. Many seek him and most are never seen again." Her fingers made lazy patterns across the counter as she talked. "Only those with pure motives survive. The ones who go for selfish gains are the ones who don't make it back." She looked up at me. Straight into my eyes. "Since you made it back we can only assume that your intentions were for good. And that good has a purpose for your life. We all have done things that we need to atone for. Forgive yourself and move on."

After she said that she told me goodnight and slipped from the room. Leaving me alone to ponder the past few days. In many ways I felt the same but yet different. Like a human coming down with a virus. I just felt strange. Me but not me. Things were clearer than before. The love I felt for those back home were now in bright color instead of dull monotone. Buffy was like a shining angel that beckoned to me. Just thinking of her smiling made me want to dance.

For the first time I understood her pain. The burden of all those lives depending on her. No wonder at times she wanted to run. And that leaving heaven tore her apart. To finally find relief then to have it taken away. It's a wonder she had survived at all.

I had always felt guilt when I had hurt the ones I cared about. Dru and Dawn and Buffy. For the ones I hadn't cared about it hadn't really mattered if I had hurt them. But now I know a lot of the guilt I had felt was because it had affected me. My happiness. Not necessarily because it hurt them. Now I knew the difference. The lines were clearly drawn.

But like Melissa said what was done was done. No matter what I felt it couldn't be undone. The only thing I could do was go on. Use the knowledge I had now to change for the better. To make the right choices. To atone.