Author: Mrs Muir

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, UPN or Fox. All song lyrics belong to their owners.

Authors Note: I messed with a few things again. I apologize in advance if this has offended anyone.

Chapter 24 - I Want to Know What Love Is

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm, as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
Foreigner

It was time to go home. To leave this temporary sanctuary I had found. They needed to be able to live their lives like they did before the melancholy vampire showed up at their door. I traveled back to California pretty much the same way I had gotten there. The Guardians arranged my passage with an art shipment. The closer I got to home the more the panic set in. My emotions had been traveling the spectrum. Sometimes the voices returned to haunt me. Other times I just didn't know who I was. How I was supposed to act. Common sense told me to just be who I was. Who I had been before. But then I begin to think of being the smart-ass pain I had been and the guilt would be there.

The plane got into Los Angeles late in the afternoon. Fortunately, I was able to get into the airport under a covered walkway. I wandered through the terminal looking for a pay phone. Spotting a row of them I made my way toward them and dialed Giles.

"Hello." His voice came through the line sounding like home.

"It's Spike. I'm in LA."

He asked me how I was then offered to pick me up. I told him I was fine but refused his offer for a ride. I told him I needed more time before facing everyone and that I would contact him when I had a number to give him. Our conversation was short and to the point. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet.

I waited until the cover of darkness and headed out. Hitched a ride with a woman who was looking for a good time. She gave me a ride all the way to my destination. When I got out of the car she tried to give me her phone number. I refused and told her to go home before she got hurt. She looked at me like I was crazy. I felt crazy. Trying to protect total strangers was a laugh coming from Spike.

I stood on the sidewalk and looked up. The Hyperion Hotel loomed above me. I had come to the home of the one creature in the entire world that knew what I was going through. To seek guidance from him while I worked my way through this. My anger and dislike of Angel hadn't gone anywhere but he was the only one that I knew that had already been where I was now.

As soon as I walked through the door they surrounded me instantly. The only two I recognized were Angel and Cordelia. The others I had heard about from Willow and Xander. So, it wasn't hard to figure out who was who. Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne. I laughed as they stood around me. Angel threateningly stepped closer to me.

"What the hell do you think you are doing here? Have a death wish?" He asked me.

"No, Peaches, I thought I would drop in and we could discuss old times." And I guess the old me was still hiding in there somewhere. "Discuss why I am the better man for Buffy and all that."

He walked forward and grabbed me by the front of my shirt.

"Give me one reason not to stake you here and now." He growled and I was surprised he hadn't gone into game face.

"Because, old buddy, I now have a soul."

He slowly let go of me and took a step back. The look of shock on his face was priceless. I looked around at the others. They were all waiting for a sign from Angel.

"You're lying."

I love it when I can get something over on him. It was so good I could feel the smirk on my face.

"Nope. Call Giles. He'll confirm it."

Angel looked over at Cordelia.

"Call him. Find out."

She quickly moved behind the desk and began dialing. While she spoke with Giles, Angel and I just stood there staring each other down. Then Cordelia called to Angel saying that Giles wanted to speak with him. After he hung up the phone he made his way back to us.

"Giles confirmed what you said. That you went to get a soul so you can be one of the good guys." He gave me one of those goofy looks he does when he is trying to intimidate you. "Not that I can see you being a hero."

The others began to relax as Angel talked to me. Angel told me that Giles had asked him to help me out. And he had reluctantly agreed. It appeared that I had the temporary shelter that I was seeking. He started to walk up the stairs then stopped so I could catch up with him. As we began the ascent up the stairs he laid his arm across my shoulders.

"How is the guilt treating you?" His sarcasm was evident as he asked.

"Could no way compare to what you went through. You were the ultimate evil. Oh, yeah, still are with the little games you were playing in Sunnydale."

He laughed at me. But there would come a day when he would have to apologize for what he tried to do with Buffy and me. He had hurt her and that I couldn't forgive. But for now I would let it go. But the time would come when we would have to come to an understanding.

I was given a room a few doors down from him. Probably so he could keep an eye on me. It was a bit filthy. He told me if I wanted it clean I could do it myself. The guy just couldn't be nice and giving just once. Cordelia showed me where I could find the cleaning supplies. She and Fred ended up helping me get it habitable.

I settled into life at the Hyperion. Giles sent me a care package with some clothes and my bankcard so I could get cash. Most of the time I stayed in my room reading or watching television. Watching the days drift by.

Cordy and Fred dragged me out one night to go shopping. They told me that if I was going to eventually go back to Sunnydale and a life with Buffy that I needed to lose the all black look. I gently reminded them that Angel stayed that way. They shook their heads and asked if I wanted to be Angel. That did it. I went shopping. Cordelia definitely had a sense of style and what would look good. I ended up looking like a walking advertisement for Structure. Blue jeans and pullover sweaters. Denim shirts. I even ended up with new boots. Complete new wardrobe. Now not only did I not feel like me I didn't even look like me.

The other guys had the audacity to laugh at me when my new duds were shown. Told me I was whipped. I just laughed at them and told them their day was coming.

After I had been there for a while Cordelia called to me one afternoon and said Giles was holding on the phone for me. I had called and spoken to him a few times since I had been there. This was the first time he had called me and I was afraid something was wrong with Buffy or Dawn.

"Hello, Giles, is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything is fine. I just needed to let you know about something."

"What? Buffy…"

"She's fine. We came to a decision and felt that you needed to know. I told her that I have spoken to you and I knew where you were. She asked me to call." He was vague and was scaring me. My first thought was that she had decided that she didn't want me in her life anymore. That she didn't want me to come back. I had waited too long. I fell into the chair behind me as my mind went racing through this horrible nightmare.

"Spike, are you still there?" He asked me jarring me from my imagination.

"Yeah."

"It' s about Dawn."

"You're calling me about Dawn." Relief swept through me that Buffy wasn't dumping me. Then another kind of panic set in. He had said everything was okay. "What about Dawn?"

"I'm adopting her." He waited for his words to register with me before continuing. "It wasn't an easy decision but one we all feel is for the best."

"And how is you taking Dawn away from Buffy good for either of them?"

"The three of us came to the decision together. Believe me being the instant full time father of a sixteen year old girl was not in my plans." He gave a shaky laugh. It had to be hard for him but then why was he doing it.

"So, why do it?"

He began to explain the reasons they had decided on this. According to Social Services Buffy would have to be in therapy and doing all the other stipulations stated for at least six months before she could have unsupervised day visits with Dawn. Another few months of this before they could have weekends. And another six months probably before they would give her guardianship again. By this time Dawn would be almost eighteen.

The adoption could be put through within two months. By the beginning of August Dawn would be settled permanently with Giles. Without having Doris Kroger on their backs. The judge would assign another worker to them for a few months to make sure everything was okay. And by Christmas the state would be out of our business.

Buffy wouldn't feel pressured to hurry through therapy. She wouldn't have to constantly be under a microscope from the state. And when I got back we wouldn't have to hide our relationship. Dawn and Buffy could see other whenever they wanted. Buffy would be able to come to the house as much as she liked. The Scoobies could socialize with everyone and nobody would have to be left out.

When he put it like that it did make sense. Giles was a good man who loved both of them and was willing to make sacrifices to keep things going. The only hitch was their biological father. They put advertisements in the newspaper where he was last known to be stating that Dawn would be adopted unless he protested. They had to leave it in for six weeks and pray that he didn't respond. He hadn't sent a child support check in almost a year. And they hadn't heard from him in at least that long. We just had to keep our fingers crossed that he wouldn't see it and come back to mess things up.

At the end of the conversation he told me to call Buffy. She was hurt that I hadn't contacted her. He still hadn't told her that I had a soul now. He said it was my business to do so. Angel and the others had been sworn to secrecy too. I told him that I would call her soon. And hung up the phone.

I leaned forward burying my face in my hands. Told myself to pick up the phone and call her. That it would be all right. This was Buffy. She loved me. No, she loved unsouled Spike. What if she didn't like me like this? I should have talked to her before doing it. But it was my decision. This was what I wanted for my life. Now I was too afraid to face my life with a soul. What if I didn't love her anymore? What if they didn't accept me? What if I couldn't live up to my expectations much less theirs?

I heard someone walk into the room. Moving my hands I saw it was Angel. The last person I wanted to deal with at the moment. His suggestion would be to move far, far away. To leave Buffy. Don't know why he sodding cared since he was with Cordelia now. Why hang onto an old love that you couldn't have anymore?

"Look, I don't like you. Never have actually." Nice start. We would probably end up kicking each other's asses all over the place. "Probably never will. But Cordy says I have to play nice. So, I am putting up with you."

I laughed at his little speech. What was he going to do? Ask me for rent.

"I am only going to say this once. And I will deny that I ever did say it." He reached for the phone's receiver and handed it to me. "Call her."

And with that he turned around and walked out. My jaw dropped open. The bastard had to have gone soft somehow. But then I turned my attention to the phone. I ordered my shaking fingers to dial the number Giles had given me. When it started ringing I almost hung up. My stomach twisted in nervousness.

"Hello." It was her voice. I imagined her standing there holding the phone to her ear. As beautiful as always. A tear made it's way down my cheek.

"Hello." This time her voice sounded annoyed. I was just sitting there breathing at her. There was a noise and I knew she was getting ready to hang up.

"Buffy, don't hang up." My voice cracked as I called to her.

"Spike? Is that you?" She sounded happy to hear from me. But afraid like maybe she hadn't heard the voice right.

"Yeah, baby, it's me."

It had been over a month since I had spoken to her. The day she had walked out of the crypt. Neither one of us was the person we had been that day.

"How are you? Where are you? Are you home? When can I see you?" Her questions tumbled out of her one after another. I laughed at her obvious eagerness to see me.

"I miss you too." She laughed then. It was going to be okay. "Buffy, I am in Los Angeles. Staying with your old friend."

"Angel?" Poor girl was really confused now. That would be the last place she would ever expect me to be.

"Yeah, Angel." I stood up and closed the door so I could have a little privacy. "It's…I've got something to tell you. And when you hear it you'll understand why I'm here."

"Are you okay?" There was a trace of fear in her words.

"I'm fine. Just different." Just say it. Tell her. "Buffy, I went to Africa." There was a gasp on the other end of the line. "I went to get a soul."

"A soul?" Then silence. A very long silence. I sighed. "Did you succeed?"

"Yeah." I wish I could see her face. Be holding her. This had been a mistake. I should have just taken my ass home and let things fall where they may.

"Oh." Then more silence.

I told her I was sorry that I hadn't called yet. That I just needed time to figure things out.

"When are you coming home?" She sounded a little lost.

The coward told her that I would be home soon. Then I brought up Dawn's adoption and we talked about that. She sounded comfortable with the whole idea. That it was better that Dawn be secure with Giles instead of always looking over her shoulder for the state to take her away. She filled me in on her therapy. That it was going well. At first things had overwhelmed her and she had slipped a couple of times. Reverting back to cutting. The pressure of everything changing and not having me there to make it better had gotten to her. But it had been weeks since an incident she told me proudly.

Maybe it had been good that I hadn't gone back. That I wasn't there for her to lean on. She had to learn to be on her own. Confident in her own strength to handle things. If things were to work between us we had to be partners. I couldn't be her crutch. She said her new job was good. That she felt better about herself working there.

We didn't talk anymore about my getting a soul. I think she just needed to absorb it. To realize that it had actually happened. Then the questions would fly. I had to get the answers myself before this time.

It was time to get down to business and figure out was going on. So, that I could get on with my life with Buffy. I went in search of Angel. Told him that I needed to talk to him. He agreed and we went back into his office. I plied him with questions about him getting a soul. His feelings about it. How he had come out of it. It almost killed me when he said that it was falling in love with Buffy and his desire to help her. We talked for hours. By the end I realized that I needed to decide what I wanted to do. Away from Buffy. So she wouldn't feel that everything depended on her. I refused to place that kind of burden on her.

I had to have a definite purpose when I returned to Sunnydale. Not just counting the hours until I saw her. Now, I just needed to figure out what I wanted.