See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
U2

Morning was there before either of us was ready for it. It had been almost five before we went to sleep lying curled together in the middle of the bed. In the time that we had been together I had become accustomed to her next to me at night. Apart from her sleep had been elusive and fleeting. With her body beside mine I was able to fall into a deep for the first time in weeks. The last thing I had been aware of before drifting off was the sound of her sighing as she moved closer to me.

"Buffy?" Fred was calling to her. Waking us both from our dreams. Buffy groaned and rolled over onto her back.

"Yeah?" She responded while rubbing her eyes in an attempt to wake up.

Fred and Gunn were going to breakfast and wanted to know if Buffy wanted to join them. She looked up at me and asked if I minded if she went. I kissed her on the tip of her nose and told her to ahead. They agreed to meet in the lobby in twenty minutes. Buffy took a quick shower and came out to get clothes from her bag. After she had pulled on underwear and a pair of jeans she went over to my closet. She began to look through my shirts and sweaters.

I propped myself up on the pillows to watch her. She turned to look back at me once she realized I was gazing at her. A slow smile crossed her face that lit up her eyes.

"You don't mind if I borrow something do you?"

"Help yourself."

She continued to rummage until she settled on a white crew neck pullover sweater. It was a little big on her but as always she was beautiful. After rolling up the sleeves she came to sit on the side of the bed. I ran my hand over her back as she slipped into her sneakers.

"You have a lot of new clothes." It wasn't a question or even a conversation opener. It was a statement that resounded with disapproval.

"Yeah. You don't like them?"

One of those uneasy feeling curled in my gut again. It seemed like she didn't like my new look even though she was wearing a piece from it.

"They're nice. I guess I'm not used to you wearing anything but black." Buffy attempted to soften her words with another smile.

"Things have changed. Thought I should change with them. Be less evil looking."

"A regular white hat." She commented then leaned into kiss me good-bye. "I love you."

Then she was gone leaving me confused. There were pieces of a puzzle lying scattered about and I wasn't quite sure how to go about putting them together. They just weren't adding up quite right. Before anything became clear to me or fit together sleep overtook me again.

It was early afternoon before I woke again. Stumbled through a shower and getting dressed. My strength was depleted and I needed nourishment. Walking toward the stairs I heard voices coming from the lobby. For everybody to be there it had to be a slow day at Angel Investigations.

"So, Buffy, do you want babies?" It was Fred. Why was she asking her that? What kind of conversation were they having?

I went down another step or two so I could see what was going on. Buffy was holding Connor in her arms. Fred was sitting next to her playing with one of his feet.

"Babies are good. Aren't they, sweetie? Lots of babies are even better." She cooed to him leaning forward to kiss him on his forehead.

I could feel someone watching me and glanced up to see Angel looking at me in sympathy. This was why he had left her. To give her a chance to have all the things that normal women have. Marriage and babies, a big house, and Saturday little league games. Things she couldn't have being with a vampire. A piece of the puzzle dropped into place.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs I walked over to her and Connor. He was beginning to fuss a little. Cordelia said she was going to get his bottle and disappeared into Angel's office. I reached for Connor taking him from Buffy. Her eyes opened wide at me as I held him in my arms.

"You're hungry aren't you?" I started to jiggle him like I had seen the others do when he was fussy. Angel told me to put my finger in his mouth to quiet him down. As soon as I put my finger inside of his mouth he began to suck on it greedily. "It's not what you really want is it? But Uncle Spike still tastes good doesn't he?"

"Maybe he should just ask Aunt Buffy if you do." Cordelia sarcastically cooed when she returned with his bottle. I guess Angel wasn't the only one who heard us last night. I surrendered the baby to Cordelia's capable hands. Although Angel was adjusting to fatherhood I wasn't even sure if it was something that I wanted. As far as I knew it wasn't likely to happen so I had never stopped to think about it. Children had been like adults. Food.

Buffy was quiet as the conversation around us flowed. About the ongoing investigations and other business problems for them. I kept trying to catch her eye but she refused to meet mine. Deciding to change the pace I asked Cordelia if I could have some of the empty boxes that were piled in a hallway upstairs. She told me to help myself. After grabbing a couple I made my way back to my room. If Buffy wanted to ignore me then I would ignore her. Give her space. Once we were living together again things would get straightened out.

I started to pull clothes out of the closet and throwing them in the box when she finally came in to join me. Still quiet. She dumped the clothes out of the box out onto the bed. Then she started folding them and repacking them.

"What's going on?" I asked her as I put some more stuff on the bed.

She didn't say anything for a few moments. Stood frozen with her head bent a shirt in her hand.

"I don't know you anymore." Her voice forlorn as she ran her hands over the material she was holding.

"You don't want me to go back with you, do you?" It was becoming crystal clear that somewhere from the time she got up to now something had broken between us. What and how was something I still needed to figure out.

"Yes, I do." She looked over her shoulder at me. Her face told me she was lying as the tears gathered in her eyes.

"Where am I going to?" I had just figured when we got back together we would continue to live with one another. But I had never asked her.

She didn't answer me just shrugged her shoulders. When I didn't say anything she finally suggested a motel until we could me an apartment.

"No. I am not going to date you, Buffy." I switched to this nerdy falsetto voice. "Buffy, hello, it's me William and I was wondering if you aren't busy Saturday maybe we could go to a movie."

She smiled weakly at my attempt at sarcastic humor. But it wasn't a joke.

"That's bullshit. After everything we have been through I want to live with you."

She turned so she was sitting on the bed. Her hands clutched together on her lap. As the silence grew between us she started to wring them. Rubbing and clutching. This had all been a mistake. All of it. Last night. Today. She should never have come here if she wasn't ready. This was torture to have everything dangled in front of me just to have it yanked away again.

I turned and walked out. Anywhere that was away from her. Since it was the middle of the afternoon I couldn't leave the hotel. So, I started to walk through the halls. There were a lot of empty abandoned hallways to get lost in at the Hyperion. My mind started mulling over the things that happened since she had shown up. Not once had the future ever been discussed in any conversation we had. The closest to it had been that night in the rain. We had discussed our pasts and our feelings for each other. But never where we were going. It seems we had different expectations of our relationship. I wanted forever with her. It seemed she only wanted me around until she was ready for marriage and babies.

Every once in a while as I turned corners I could hear her call to me. Each time she called my name her voice became more desperate. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I stood my ground and yelled out to her.

"You're a damn Slayer and you can't find one vampire in an enclosed building. That's pathetic."

It didn't take long before I turned down another hallway that she was there. Waiting. We stood and looked at each other. It was time.

"I love you, Spike." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as me. "I just don't know you anymore. The new clothes and the hesitation to make love to me last night. And Fred couldn't stop talking about you this morning. About how much you have changed. How good you are now. Then you were holding Connor. My Spike would never have done that."

"You couldn't be bothered to ask just once about me getting a soul could you? Maybe if you had then all of this stuff wouldn't have been a surprise." I didn't want to have this conversation. Wanted to avoid this and get back to loving each other.

"I never asked you to do it. I loved you the way you were." When I reached for her she backed away from me. Pulling her arm away from my hand.

"I did it for us. For everybody. For me. It was something that I thought that you would want. This way I can be one of the good guys and you don't have to get a lot of flak for us being together. Like you did before." As much as I didn't want it to my voice was getting louder with each word. Like I could break through these walls with the sound. She backed away a few more steps. "This way we can love each other and fight together. Have a life together."

"And you'll fucking leave me like they did. That's what they said too. I love you, Buffy. We can fight the demons together, Buffy. But, no, they couldn't handle it and they left me alone. Damn you for this." She turned to run like she always did. I reached out and grabbed her. Wrapping my arms around her. She fought against me and I moved back against the wall. With my arms still around her I slid down the wall. When we hit the floor I wrapped my legs around her middle. Holding her to me.

"I'm not going anywhere, Summers. Ever. My place is with you. I love you."

That part of the puzzle was together. The good guys always left her. The bad boy had stayed with her even when she wasn't perfect. Now that I was one of the 'good guys' she was afraid I would leave her. Just like they did. But I knew my destiny and future was with her. For whatever time that fate gave us. I just needed to prove it to her. But the only sure way of doing that was with time.

I held her until she started to calm down. I kept whispering that I would always be there for her. No matter what. There wasn't any other place that I belonged. Or even wanted to be.

She shifted sideways until she could look at me.

"I'm so confused."

"I know."

"Are you still mine?" She wasn't asking if I still belonged to her. But if I was the one she had fallen in love with. That despite the changes I would basically be the same. If I were still the same as I was then I wouldn't leave her. She knew in her heart that the old Spike would always be there for her.

"Yeah. Couldn't you tell from last night?"

She smiled because she knew as well as I did that was one thing that would never change between us. No matter how bad everything else was. I ran my hand down her cheek and leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips clung to mine trying to find the chain that linked us together.

There was still one part of the puzzle that still needed to be put together. I hated to keep digging into things that would only hurt. But it was better to deal now instead of waiting until it was too late. And the pain would only be greater later.

"Buffy, where do you want us to go?"

"What do you mean?" There was confusion in her eyes as her brows knitted together.

"Us. Where do you see us in a few years?"

"Can't that take care of itself? Just enjoy what we have."

Buffy was avoiding. I knew her enough to know that she didn't want to live life moment to moment. She liked to have everything in her life defined. It was her way of feeling secure. She had to have thought of the future. Possible dreamed about it. What kind of life she wanted us to have.

I shook my head at her to let her know I wasn't buying it.

"Talk to me. Be honest."

She scooted away from me until she was leaning on the opposite wall. Her legs cross-legged in front of her. Her head was bent so she wouldn't have to look at me.

"Do you want marriage and babies?" I threw it out there when her silence continued. She was scared of being honest. Afraid of having her dreams trampled on again. That wasn't my intention.

"Doesn't everyone?" She asked me almost defiantly. The tears were slowly drifting down her face again. I wanted to hold her tell her everything would be okay. To say the hell with the future but I couldn't because we both needed to know where we stood.

"Not me." I said it as gently as I could. After looking at me in surprise she turned her head to look down the hallway. Any place but at me. A hand came to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"You don't want to marry me?" Buffy sounded so wounded. I had done that to her because I loved her enough to want to be with her.

"I want to be with you. Always. But I am a vampire. Not the boy next door."

I couldn't look at her anymore. It was tearing me apart. I leaned my head against the wall and sighed. Was a fifteen minute ceremony worth hurting her over?

"Buffy, if it's what you want I will marry you. Go through the whole bloody ceremony." For her I would do anything. Except for what was out of my reach.

She looked up at me in surprise.

"But you just said you didn't want to."

"I'm a 130 year old vampire. I spent a century with another vampire. We never needed a ceremony."

"I'm not Drusilla." Her words were cold and biting as she cut me off. It was a way for her to remind me that she was a human. A girl that wanted what almost every girl wanted.

"Buffy, I was just trying to tell you that I can love you for a lifetime without it. But if it will make you happy then I will do it. Gladly. Without reservations."

She nodded her head. I don't think she fully understood it yet but at least my words had gotten through.

"Babies and children are something else." I knew this was going to hurt the most so I scooted across the floor toward her. Taking her hands I came to sit cross-legged in front of her. I tried to choose my words carefully because I wanted her to be able to accept the reality of our situation.

"It's very rare for a vampire to be able to impregnate a woman. It's been known to happen but not very often." I stopped for a moment for my words to sink in. "And even if it happens there are things I will never be able to do." I hesitated as a sob caught in my throat. The more that a little Buffy ran through my head the more I wanted her. "I will never be there for her first day of school. I will never be able to go to afternoon ball games or go with her on field trips. If she gets sick I won't be able to go pick her up from school. In a lot of ways you wouldl be a single parent. How are you going to be able to deal with it?"

"You sound like Angel." She told me as she pulled her hands away from me. I was losing her attention fast. I could almost see the walls she was building to hide in.

"He was right. You deserve someone who can take you into the light. To do these things with you. Not just sit on the sidelines and watch."

"I thought that was what you just did. Moved into the light to be with me."

"It solves some things. But not all things. This isn't a fairy tale, baby. You aren't going to kiss the beast and turn him into a prince. That beast will always be there. I just want to make sure you're ready for it." I took her hands again squeezing them. She didn't fight me on it. Then my words hit her. About her being ready for it. Not that I was saying good-bye.

"It's my choice?"

Angel had made the decision for her. Not letting her decide what she wanted. Maybe I would do the same thing if she were still a teenager. But she was twenty-one now. She had died and come back. Fought her way through the hell she had found when she was suddenly alive again. She was perfectly capable of making the best choices for her.

"Yes. But be aware that no matter what you decide I will always be a part of your life. I am not going anywhere. Part of my decision to get my soul was to help out in Sunnydale. I still plan on doing that."

There was a part of her that was angry with me. For making her face this when she wanted to get lost in a dream that could never be.

"And you? What do you sacrifice?" The words were harsh as if I wasn't hurting. As if there wasn't a price for loving her.

"You." She didn't understand. "I get to spend a millisecond of my lifetime with you. Then watch you grow older. And frailer. Then to finally die. Leaving me alone for centuries without you beside me."

Even before my words were done she was in my arms. Her legs wrapped around my waist.

"I really do love you."

She told me through her tears but I already knew that. She didn't need to tell me. But I just wanted to make sure she was prepared to deal with the sacrifices she might have to make
for loving me. Squeezing her tightly against me I repeated that I would always be there. I picked her up and carried her back to my room. We didn't make love again but lay there holding each other. Just enjoying being close to each other. And when the afternoon slipped away into the night she left me.

I stood at the window and watched her drive away. My heart broken into a million pieces. It was her choice now. Was she willing to give up ever having a normal life to be with me? Was our love strong enough for her to give up her dreams?

It would never be over for us even if she didn't come back to me. Destiny had brought us together. Our fates were intertwined. Our love was too full of fire and passion to ever burn out. And somewhere centuries later we would still be burning bright.