That's all I wanted
Something special, something sacred
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever
Say it can be
But something tells me together
We'd be happy
That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's
Blue eyes shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong
If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be
So when you remember the ones who have lied
Who said that that they cared
But then laughed when you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me
I will be your father
I'll be your preacher
I'll be your daddy
I will be the one who love you
Until the end of time
George Michael

It was actually simple. We both wanted to be ahead of where we were. Both of us wanted to skip the preliminaries and just get into the middle of the relationship. But we had different ideas of what that middle was going to be. She wanted and deserved normal. I just wanted her. To love and be with.

Being with Dru taught me that you had to compromise and work everyday to keep love alive. That it wasn't always what you wanted. But what both of you needed. That was why I had told her I would marry her if that was what she wanted. I didn't need it but maybe she did. To feel secure. Or just for the dream. But we would never be a 'normal' couple. We would never do the suburban thing she wanted.

And I would never leave her alone. I knew that I was the one for her. All of those doubts and fears she had could stop with me. I would make them go away. The dark side of her that she was afraid of didn't frighten me. I loved her happy or sad. But she needed to take the time to figure that out on her own. That I could give her even if it was killing me.

I waited everyday for a phone call. A sign of any kind from Sunnydale to let me know what was going on. Finally after two weeks I broke down and called Giles. He wouldn't tell me anything. Said it wasn't his place that I would have to ask her. Then I told him I was coming home. That Los Angeles wasn't where I needed to be. Surprisingly he agreed with me. Told me that my life couldn't revolve around what Buffy was doing. That I needed to make a life for me and maybe that would actually help her to see things in a different light.

He offered to come and pick me up the next night. Dawn had been bugging him to bring her down here to see Connor anyway. When we got off the phone I felt a little better. At least I was taking a step forward. I debated as to whether or not to call to call Buffy and let her know. But I decided to wait until I got there and talk to her in person.

The time to go couldn't come soon enough once the decision was made. My stuff was packed into boxes and waiting in the lobby by early afternoon. And I spent the time waiting for Giles and Dawn pacing. Everybody was irritated with me and was ready for me to go by the time they showed. Dawn came through the door first with a big grin on her face. She made her way directly to me wrapping me in a bear hug. I hugged her back enjoying the feeling of being loved. And missed.

After she hugged me she made a beeline to Connor. I waited impatiently while she and Giles visited with everybody. I knew they hadn't seen each other for a while so I tried not to get irritated. But I was ready to go home.

Finally we loaded the car and headed back to Sunnydale. I rode in the back seat because I knew that I wasn't in the best of moods. Just leaned back into the seat and tried to mellow out. Listening to Dawn and Giles talk. Dawn turned so she could look back at me and tried to include me in their conversation. She reached a hand back taking a hold of mine when I didn't say a whole lot.

Right before we reached Sunnydale Dawn announced that she was starving and wanted pizza.

"Giles, please stop. I bet Spike would like some wings too." She turned back to look at me trying to get me into her conspiracy. "Wouldn't you?"

I laughed at her and shrugged my shoulders.

"Sure, Dawn, wings sound good. You know they don't have them in LA right?'

Giles laughed with me as she crossed her arms in front of her to start sulking.

"You guys are just unfair." She threw out before turning to stare out the window. I guess Giles took pity on her because he handed her the cell phone. Told her to call and place the order so it would be ready when we got there.

She smiled and told him thanks before calling to order.

When we pulled up to the restaurant Dawn and I went in to pick it up. Giles decided to wait in the car. I followed her in after holding the door for her. We went up to the counter and told them we had placed a to go order. Dawn and I were leaning on the counter waiting for them to bring it to us when I heard a familiar laugh. It was Buffy. Looking up and over the crowd I tried to spot her. Fading out the other voices searching for hers alone.

I found her. In a booth with Xander and Anya on the opposite side of the table. And next to her was a man. A human male. Someone I didn't know and she was laughing up at him.

"Spike?"

It was Dawn wondering what was going on. She followed my gaze and saw her sister.

"Oh, shit. Let's get out of here."

She reached for the food and started to walk out. There was no surprise of her seeing Buffy with him. Only that I had seen. I didn't move. The urge to kill was coursing through me as I saw him reach out and touch her hand.

Buffy must have sensed me because her head came up. Searching for me this time. Our eyes met. I held the gaze for a moment before I turned and walk out. Following Dawn across the parking lot and into the car. This time she scrambled into the back. I climbed into the front seat and told Giles to go. As we pulled out of the parking lot she was just coming out the door. I didn't want to care as she stood and watched us pull away.

I asked Giles to stop at a store down the street. Told him I needed some smokes. He didn't argue just stopped to let me out. I guess Dawn filled him in when I was gone because he didn't say anything when I lit up in his car. What I really wanted was to get stinking drunk. But I was afraid to. I didn't know what would happen if I did. What I would do.

No one said anything until we reached the house. Giles told Dawn to go upstairs so that he could talk to me.

"No, he needs all the friends he can get." She put the food down on the dining room table then returned to lead me into the living room. Taking a seat beside me on the couch. Giles sat on the other side of me.

"This isn't a surprise to the two of you?" I asked them looking from one to the other. Dawn shook her head.

"She met him right after you left. He works with Xander and he had brought him along to help move some furniture for Buffy. He liked her from the start but she kept telling him no." Giles started to explain to me.

"Until I sent her home alone from Los Angeles." I filled in the blank. It was my fault for giving her space to decide what she wanted.

"Yes. She has only been out with him a couple of times." He sighed and leaned his head back. "It's complicated. You told her to decide. She feels like she can't decide unless she has walked on both sides."

As much as it ripped my guts out in a way he was right. Unless she hit the reality of it not being right the grass would always be greener on the other side.

"What do you think she will do?" I asked hoping that he would agree with me. That she would never really fit into that world.

"She is always going to be the Slayer. That is something that will follow her everywhere. And the only way I could see to leave it all behind for a normal life would be to leave us all behind. But it's time Spike. She has a right to be happy. It's up to her to decide what that is." He told me trying to encourage me and yet not give me false hope. "Just don't do something rash. Keep giving her space and just concentrate on you until she decides."

I nodded my head.

"Can we eat now?"

"Never Dawn. You will have to starve for all eternity." I told her in mock seriousness. She laughed and pushed at me. Then she jumped up to retrieve her pizza and my wings. Leaving them on the coffee table while she went to get us something to drink. Bringing back a soda for her and a beer for me. After handing me the beer she put a movie on the TV and we settled on the floor to eat. Giles excused himself to go read in his room when he realized she had put on some teen horror flick. Rolling his eyes as he hurried from the room.

Once he was gone she started to ask me questions. More about my new soul. About what happened between Buffy and I in Los Angeles. What I was going to do and where I was going to live. I answered some of her questions. Some I didn't. The ones about the soul I answered the best I could. Told her what happened was between Buffy and me. But I had a feeling that she knew more than she was letting on. It seemed that the two of them were talking more these days. And the rest I said was still up in the air.

She seemed satisfied with my answers. Offering suggestions of where I could live and making jokes about jobs I could hold. Like bartending, professional bodyguard, a model or a singer. The suggestions started getting more outrageous the longer we talked. But it was in fun. Holding a job was one those things that were on the near impossible list.

But it felt good to laugh. When Dawn wanted to be she was a lot of fun to be around. I had been an only child so she was like the kid sister I had never had. I could only hope that Buffy would come around so I could get more of the family that I wanted. To be a part of that group that I had been trying to be a part of for so long.

It was almost midnight and we were on our second movie when she walked in. She had changed from her date clothes to jeans and a t-shirt. She was also wearing my duster around her shoulders. I could only assume that she had gone home after her date and taken the time to think about things before coming to see me.

"Can we talk?"

She was standing in the entrance to the living room by the glass doors.

"Okay, good night. See you in the morning." Dawn switched off the movie and almost ran past Buffy and up the stairs leaving us alone.

"There's nothing to say."

Her eyes searched mine. She knew I was lying to her. There was plenty to say. If she could read me then she would find pain, anger, and jealousy in my eyes.

"Spike…" She began falteringly.

"Don't say you're sorry. We both know you're not." Her eyes closed tightly and nodded her head in agreement.

I walked up to her until we were almost touching and inhaled. I could smell him on her skin. The stench of his cologne and sweat making me want to gag. Her eyes flew open when she realized what I was doing. She took a few steps away from me.

"I haven't done anything with him." She defended herself.

"I know. At least not tonight. That smell isn't on you. But you have kissed him." It wasn't a question. I knew. He had no clue what he had done by touching her. His only prayer was this soul I now carried would do its job and protect him if it ever came down to that.

"He's not you." Her words were meant to let me know that he didn't do a lot for her physically. So, she probably wasn't lying and hadn't fucked him yet.

I leaned forward so my lips were almost brushing hers.

"And he never will be."

Then I pulled back before I did something that we would both regret. My emotions were demanding to be heard. To make her feel as low and as bad as I did. But I knew that if I did hurt her it would only drive her further away. Something that I couldn't stand the thought of so I restrained myself.

"What's the boy's name?"

"Richard. He works…"

"With Xander." I finished for her. "Giles and Dawn filled me in."

"Oh."

We stood there awkwardly neither of us knowing what to do. She told me she was going to do some patrolling and asked if I wanted to go along. I tagged along with her because I just wanted to be close to her. And that was what I had come back for after all wasn't it? To fight the good fight.

For the next couple of hours we wandered through the cemeteries looking for vampires or demons. We hardly talked at all just walked side by side. Occasionally we would brush against each other. Sometimes it was accidental and sometimes I think we were just looking for some comfort. It was a quiet night with only a few vamps out and they were easy kills. Which was a disappointment in a way. A good fight would have helped to release my tension.

I finally walked her back to her apartment. Saying good night at the door. She didn't invite me in and I didn't try to touch her. I had promised her space and I would give it to her. As I was walking away she asked me if I wanted to go again tomorrow night. I stopped and turned to look at her standing alone on her doorstep. If I went with her then she couldn't be with him. So, I told her yes that I would go. Before she closed her door behind her I told her to take a shower before I came over. That I didn't want to be smelling him on her. I don't know if she heard me or not as the door swung shut.

She was missing me but wasn't ready to admit it yet. All I had to do was give her time and she would be in my arms again. At least I hoped so.