I took my love and took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'…ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know…..I don't know
Well I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you

Before the ink was even dry on the papers I had moved into my house. For over a century I had moved from one place to another. Never wanting or needing permanence. But now it felt good. The changes in me were moving at a rapid pace and to be able to count on at least one constant was a relief. Everything that I had lived by was no longer there. And I needed one thing to hold me down as an anchor. I wandered through the place after the closing touching things and taking it in. To make myself believe that it was real and not a figment of my imagination.

I cleaned out the back bedroom downstairs for me to live in while the rest of the place was being worked on. For right now it was back to sleeping on a mattress on the floor. The only other things that were in the room were a television and a small refrigerator. It was okay. I had survived in less luxurious accommodations than this.

Tara and Willow came over the first night to check out the place. They both thought it was great. And they kept giving me ideas of what to do with it. I laughed and said I would take it into consideration. Before they left Tara said a blessing for the house. That it would only hold happiness and goodness. She was too late. Without Buffy it would always be an empty shell.
But I told her thank you and who knows maybe the blessing would help bring Buffy home.

My life fell into a pattern. I would work on the house during the day. Dawn came over almost every afternoon to help. Kept her doing things where she couldn't really get hurt. Giles was actually kind of relieved because he knew where she was while he was at the Magic Box.

Two or three times a week Xander would come over to help me with the house. He turned out to be really helpful with everything. He went with me to buy the tools that I would need. I got lost in the store looking at all the things that I could buy to fix the house up. He was laughing at the expression on my face. Said I looked like a school boy with a crush on his teacher as I stared in awe at all the things I could get to restore my house. But as much as possible I would have to find original items or authentic reproductions in order for the house to be returned to its former glory.

At night I would go patrolling with Buffy and usually Xander. Sometimes one of the others would go. And sometimes it would be just me if Buffy had plans with Richard.

And the nights I patrolled alone I would go past her apartment when I was done. To see if Richard was there and if he was I would wait to see when he left. He never stayed late. Always leaving before midnight. They still hadn't had sex. It wasn't just the not staying late. It was the way he left. Fully dressed and looking frustrated. And it was also her actions around me. The moment she became his I would know it. Because she wouldn't be able to handle the guilt. She wouldn't be able to look me in the eye. With him it wouldn't be making love. It would be business. She would give him sex in order to get what she wanted. The illusion of normality.

So, my life had become as it had before. Still on the outside. Buffy still not being with me. And me still waiting for her.

But life is full of surprises.

It was the middle of the week and I was ripping up the vinyl floor in the kitchen. Someone had gotten the bright idea of covering the hardwood floor with this appalling green speckled vinyl. I was kneeling on the floor covered in the dirt and dust from the floor when I heard footsteps walking through the living room. I figured it was Dawn showing up for the day.

"Dawn, I'm back here." I yelled out to her so she would know where I was. She didn't respond to me which I didn't think anything of. The floor was giving me trouble and I was ripping at it when out of the corner of my eye I saw a pair of feet at the doorway. The toenails painted a bright red. I stopped what I was doing and followed them up to some very long beautiful legs. As my eyes traveled upwards I heard a giggle. My eyes hurried their appraisal upwards and I found myself looking into a pair of hazel eyes. It was Donna. The girl from the plane when I had gone to Africa.

I sat back on my haunches and stared at her.

"Hi." She smiled at me and looked me over with awareness in her eyes. I was only wearing a pair of jeans and boots. She didn't even seem to mind the dirt and grime.

"Hello." I returned the look. She was dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a sleeveless white blouse. I could see the lace of her bra through the almost sheer material.

Then our eyes met and we smiled.

"Giles told me where to find you. I'm on my way to a retreat for the next week. And I thought I would stop and see how you were." She gave a reasonable explanation for her being there. But her eyes said something else. Donna was looking for a walk on the wild side. And in the mood I was in I might even consider giving it to her.

"And what happened to Africa?"

"It got too dangerous and they pulled us out. After the retreat I am heading to Mexico for six months."

She was letting me know that what she was looking for was a one night stand. A way to appease her curiosity about vampires. The message she was sending was clear even for a girl that was spreading the word of God. Even the saints had an itch to scratch.

"So, do I get to see your house?"

I nodded yes and came to my feet heading toward her. As I passed through the doorway I passed close to her. She didn't move an inch. Her eyes moved slowly from my chest to meet my eyes. That chill that accompanies the first sexual pull passed through me like lightening. She followed me as I showed her around the place. As we went up the stairs she took my hand so she wouldn't fall through. Her hand was soft in mine. It felt good to be wanted. My ego definitely needed the stroking. So, I flirted back.

After the tour I showed her into my room. Told her to make herself comfortable while I took a shower. She slid back on the mattress picking up the book I was reading. I grabbed some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom.

When I came back out I found Dawn with her. As soon as she realized I was there Dawn became quiet and looked sheepish. Donna smiled at me with amusement. Apparently she now knew quite a bit about Buffy and me. Dawn was defending her sister's turf. She still believed that there was going to be a happy ending.

Nothing ever happens the way you wanted. Dawn was firmly planted there. Telling me that Giles had to go away for the afternoon and I was supposed to 'watch' her until he got back that night. We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon talking. Donna won Dawn over sharing tales of her travels. I had been most of the places she had been so we had a lot to talk about. Dawn just kept asking questions to keep the conversation going.

When it started to get dark the girls were hungry so we headed out to a small Italian restaurant near the Bronze. We rode in Donna's rental car with her driving. Dawn sat in the back seat giving me dirty looks in the mirror. When she caught me staring at Donna's legs she thumped me on the back of the head.

I laughed at her and Donna looked back at her.

"I'm not going to take him away from you. I'll be gone tomorrow. Okay?" She told her trying to get her to get calm down.

But we just riled her some more as we slid into a booth on the same side. Dawn sat across from us her arms crossed.

"Dawn, I'll take you over to Xander's if you don't quit."

As we went through dinner she started to calm down a bit. Then they got back into the swing of things as Donna drew her out. Asking her about school and the kind of boys that she liked. And as she talked I realized how she could do what she did. She was totally open and full of self confidence. There was nothing shy about her at all. The whole time she was making friends with Dawn her leg was pressed to mine. Hip to hip. Thigh to thigh. All the way down to our calves.

I watched them eat their dinner. Stealing bites from both of them. It was relaxed and fun. They were both laughing and making me laugh. We decided to go the Bronze when they were done eating.

Donna didn't want a drink because she had to drive so I went up to the bar. Had a quick shot of whiskey and then went back to them with a beer for me and sodas for them. I looked around seeing if anyone we knew were there. But no one seemed to be there. When I looked back at them they were sharing a conspiratorial look.

"Drink up." Donna told me smiling at me. Who was I to argue with a lady? I downed the beer in a few swallows. She took the cup from me and put it down with hers then reached for my hand. Dawn took a hold of my other. They began to drag me to the dance floor. I put on an appropriate show of protesting. But I knew like they did that I could pull away anytime that I wanted. They didn't stop until we were in the middle of the floor.

They started to dance around me.

"Come on. Let loose and have some fun." Donna laughed up at me. Then she moved behind me putting her hands on my hips. "Shake the butt, boy." Dawn took a hold of my hands and was moving them with her. Between the one in back of me and the one in front my body was soon moving to the music.

With Buffy I was afraid of appearing to be a fool. So, I preferred not to even try. With the two of them it didn't seem to matter. I actually let loose and danced for a while. As Dawn moved off with a friend from school I moved Donna into my arms. She was soft and willing. But something just didn't feel right. Before I could make a decision Dawn was making her way back. And we separated.

We moved off the floor toward the pool tables. Dawn was still learning so I let her break some of the rules. Donna was different. The girl could play. She beat me twice laughing at my astonishment.

Giles called to check on Dawn and let us know he was home now. I told him that I was bringing her back. Dawn wasn't happy about that. But I insisted with my eye on Donna. When we pulled up to the house Dawn asked me to walk her to the door.

"How could you? What about Buffy?" She was not happy about what was going on. One to one she liked Donna but she didn't want me involved with her. On any level. For any length of time.

"Dawn, it's none of your business. And Buffy was the one who left me." I reminded her as gently as I could.

"Well, if you do anything I will never forgive you." With that announcement she turned and flounced off into the house.

"She okay?" Donna asked me as I slid into the car.

"Yeah, she'll be fine."

I reached for her hand as we headed back to my place.

"So, where are you staying?" She wasn't supposed to be at the retreat until tomorrow sometime. I figured she had checked into a hotel somewhere.

"Umm, I didn't make any arrangements." She never took her eyes off the road.

"Pretty sure of yourself aren't you?"

"Was I right?" This time she looked over at me. The question in her eyes of whether or not I would let her into my bed.

And now that it was here. I felt something move in my heart. The fear about being with someone other than Buffy and how much it would hurt her if she found out. When my silence became too long she glanced over at me.

"You really love her don't you?"

I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the back of the seat.

"Really do." I answered both of her questions at the same time. "I guess I am pretty much a chump."

She squeezed my hand that was still holding hers.

"No. Just loyal."

When we pulled into the driveway I asked her to come in anyway. She turned the car off and followed me up. I went to get her a soda and the bottle of whiskey for me. We sat on the front steps and talked. She was a good listener as well as talker. I pretty much covered everything that had happened in the last couple of years. And she told me how she had come to be a missionary.

Then somewhere later in the night I turned to her. Her eyes were soft with compassion and wanting. Buffy was gone from my life. And Donna was here.

I leaned toward her. And she started to lean toward me. Our lips met hesitantly. Seeking and learning the curves of the other's lips. When I drew back she put her hand on the back of my head and pulled me back to her. I went willingly. Her tongue was gentle as she sought entrance to my mouth. I followed her lead. Deepening the kiss. Letting the passion start to build.

My hand curved around her hips as I scooted closer to her. As I reached to pull her body closer to me to make the move to relieve both of our aches. She suddenly drew back from me.

"I have to go."

She stood and waited for me to stand.

"I'm not a tease. But where I wouldn't have any regrets I think you would. And I don't want to be remembered as a mistake."

She was right. It felt good now but tomorrow things might change. When things couldn't be undone. I followed her out to her car and kissed her one more time. She slipped behind the wheel and told me she would call me when she got back from Mexico.

I watched the car until it disappeared from view. As I went back into the house I picked up the glasses and the bottle and took them in with me. My cell phone was ringing as I stepped into my bedroom. Picking it up I saw it was Dawn. Yeah, big surprise.

"Hello.'

"Spike, I've been calling for hours."

"Dawn. I told you that it was none of your business." I thought I was going to get yelled at. Bitched at. But she started to cry choking out a good-bye before she broke the connection.

My frustration level was getting out of control. These women were pulling my emotions all over the place. Playing with them. And not one of them seeming to care if I was happy about any of it. I grabbed the keys to the bike and headed out. First I drove by Buffy's to make sure his car wasn't parked there. It wasn't. I turned the bike off and made my way to her bedroom window.

I pressed my ear to the glass listening for any sounds. The fan was blowing softly and I could hear her turn over mumbling in her sleep. She was there and she was alone. With a sense of relief I left.

My next stop was to see Dawn. Climbed up on the roof of the porch and knocked softly on her window.

"Who is it?" She called out.

"Shhh. Dawn it's me."

She came over to open the window.

"What are you doing here?" She kept looking over her shoulder. I guess she was afraid Giles would come in. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying.

"I just wanted to check on you." I was concerned about her. She was too involved with Buffy and me getting back together. I wasn't the only one paying the price for this mess.

"I'm fine. No thanks to you." She sniffed dramatically.

"She's gone and nothing happened. Okay?"

She responded with a big grin. After that I told her good-night and slipped away. As I returned home I realized that I was alone again. And it didn't feel good. I wondered what Buffy would do if I went to her apartment and slipped into her bed. Stake me most likely.

But it didn't stop me from dreaming about her. No matter what she did she couldn't take that away from me.