If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope maybe I'd get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent
Could you cry just a little
Lie just a little
Pretend you're feeling a little more pain
I gave now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me
Give it up baby
A whimper would be fine
Some kind of clue that
You're doing time
Honey give it a try
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
Faith Hill

It was early on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of August. Xander and I were pulling out counters and cabinets in the kitchen. The whole room was going be gutted and redone. Dawn was supposed to be helping us out by handing us tools. By this time she knew the technical and nickname for every tool we were using. We joked sometimes that by the time the house was complete Dawn could get job in construction. But this particular afternoon she was late. Or not showing. Or something.

We were prying off a long set of cabinets from one wall when I heard her call out to us as she finally came through the front door. This set was being a bitch about coming off and my mood was getting worse as the day was getting later.

"About damn time, Dawn." I hollered out to her as she made her way to us. When she appeared in the door way dressed in a skirt and blouse I about lost it.

"What's going on? I thought you were going to help us." Her face fell as I snapped at her. It's not that I meant to hurt her but everything was setting me off these days. And I hadn't found a way to relieve it. Or make it go away.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd mind. Buffy is going to take me shopping for school clothes." She explained looking at me like I had taken away her last teddy bear or something.

"Its okay, Dawn. We just got used to you helping us that's all. We depend on you." Xander tried to soften the mood a little. He gave me a warning look to back off and leave her alone. It wasn't her fault that my life was shit at the moment.

"Sorry, Dawn. Xander's right. It's just that you're my tool girl." I smiled at her hoping she would accept my apology. Her face brightened a little as she looked at me.

"It's okay. I should have called. But I came over to tell you. And Buffy is picking me up here." She gave me a hopeful look. Anything to get Buffy and me in the same place at the same time and maybe something would happen to get us back together.

"So, are you guys going to come tomorrow night?" Her question took us off guard.

We looked at each other than back at her. Both of us were clueless. Neither one of us knew anything about something planned for the next night.

"What thing tomorrow?" I asked her as I started to yank at the cabinet trying to get the last support undone from the wall. It did not want to budge as I leaned back and pulled using my weight as leverage.

"The celebration dinner Giles said I could have. The adoption becomes final tomorrow. We go to court and it will become official." The light was back in her eyes and she was clearly excited about becoming Dawn Summers Giles.

"And this is a celebration because…?" The idea still bothered me. That Buffy and Dawn would be separated in the eyes of the law. Thinking about it got me even more pissed off and I pushed my foot against the wall giving another pull on the cabinets with a grunt. They came down. As they let loose of the wall I lost my balance and my grip on them. I jerked myself back up and tried to grab onto them. Unfortunately, Xander wasn't ready for my stunt and was scrambling to hold them up. But they were going down. Right toward Dawn.

"Dawn, move it." I screamed at her as they continued to fall. Suddenly Buffy ran in and reached for them in the middle. She pushed them against the wall holding them up until Xander and I could get a grip on the ends. After we were holding them again the three of us lowered them to the ground.

"What the hell are you two doing? Trying to kill my sister?" Buffy yelled at Xander and me. She had her hands fisted and resting on her hips. She had to have known it was an accident and that we would never intentionally hurt Dawn. Something else had to have been bothering her because she looked about as emotionally strung as I did.

"What's wrong, Buffy?" Her gaze swung back to me with fire in her eyes.

"Nothing is wrong. Except that I thought you guys were keeping her safe." She had included Xander in her comment but the venomous look was directed at me. This whole thing was going to get pinned on me.

"Buffy, it was an accident." Dawn interrupted us. "I was inviting them to dinner tomorrow night and distracted them." She looked over at me like I owed her one. Which I did. Just what Buffy needed was another excuse to push me aside.

"It will be good for all of us to be together. In a happy way." Xander said helping Dawn in keeping Buffy distracted from her tirade at me.

Buffy looked at the two of us. Her shoulders slumped down as some of the anger eased from her.

"Sorry. It just scared me that's all." That was all the apology that she gave. With a brief glance my way she turned to Dawn. "About tomorrow night, umm, I invited Richard."

Dawn's eyes opened wide looking from her sister to me. I saw the disappointment in their depths. She didn't want him there. She was angling on that Buffy and me thing.

By this time I was tired of everything. The pain. The waiting.

"And why did you do that?" My words carried the weight of my emotions. Buffy looked at me in defiance.

"Because he is part of my life. And should be included with us." She said carefully making sure that I understood her meaning. If you care about me then you'll accept him.

I walked over to stand in front of her. If she couldn't see anything but me then she had to be paying attention to me.

"Tell me why we should accept him in our lives when you haven't even done it?" I asked her trying to make eye contact with her.

"What do you mean? He is a part of my life." She told me haltingly. Her words stumbled over the lie she was telling.

"No, he is not. You don't even like him."

"Of course I like him. I've been dating him for two months." She was getting that stubborn look in her eyes.

I laughed at her. If she was so crazy about him then why did she jump my ass in the cemetery that night? And why was she afraid of being alone with me? If he was so wonderful why wasn't she shagging the hell out of him? I leaned forward so that I could whisper in her ear.

"You like him. Xander likes him. But that doesn't mean either one of you want to go to bed with him. Right, Buffy?"

She started to blush as she realized that I knew she hadn't slept with him. I knew I was smirking at her when she pulled away from me.

"How the hell would you know? And anyway it's none of your business." She was getting flustered as I reached a hand up and trailed her cheek with my finger. Leaving a trail of dust along it. She batted my hand away and wiped at her face.

I laughed softly at her discomfort. Enjoying the knowledge that with just one touch I could make her want me. Make her wet.

"That's why it is my business. Because you still want me."

The world had fallen down to the two of us as she looked up at me. Her emotions displayed in the depths of her green eyes. Anger. Desire. Love. And fear. The last one confused me. There was no reason to fear me. The worst that we could do to each had already been done. Except for actual murder which neither one of us was capable of doing.

"I never denied it." Her words broke through my reverie. I blinked to regain my focus on her face that was so close to mine. Her lips just inches from mine. I leaned forward wanting just one taste from those lips that had brought me so much pleasure. Such a short time ago but yet forever ago. She pushed me back away from her.

"No."

That one word sliced through me like a knife through my soul.

"Damn it, Buffy. Why do you keep torturing me? I can see it in your eyes. I can smell it. But you keep running from it. Do you enjoy me in pain? Is that how you get off anymore?" My emotions had been kept under control for so long I could feel them pushing to break free. But I couldn't let them. I knew what could happen between us when things got out of control.

"Oh, you're in so much pain. What about the girl you had here? You replaced me pretty quickly."

"You jealous? Forgive me I forgot. It's not that I might have been with someone else. It's that I didn't invite you to join in. Wasn't that one of your fantasies?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I knew they were a mistake. One of those times you wished you could take things back. But it was too late. There was a big crack in the wall holding back my rage.

I heard Dawn gasp somewhere behind me as the fog of my emotions started to clear. The guilt ripped through me for deliberately trying to humiliate her. Xander took a few steps toward me. Figured that I was going to get my ass beat. Probably deserved it at this point.

Buffy stood there shaking as we kept our gazes locked. She was jealous of me moving on without her. And instead of taking the crumb of hope offered I had turned it around and dashed it. As she brought her hand up to slap me. I knew that if I had handled it differently I might have been able to take a step closer to what I wanted. Back to her.

I grabbed her hand before it made contact.

"No more. Buffy. I will not be your whipping boy anymore."

The words stunned both of us with its accuracy. In that moment we both knew that it was true. The realization burned through me like lightening. And my world was more focused than it had been in a long time. It wasn't a matter any longer of the vampire waiting for a chance with the object of his crush. Or a man continually denied his one desire. Time had changed us. Had changed me. I had a life developing around me. A house. The people that had only tolerated me before were now becoming my friends. I had made friends of my own and somewhere out there was a human woman that was interested in me. If Buffy ever came back to me it would be on even ground. No longer a favor that I had to be grateful for. After all this time we were equals.

It hit me. That was the fear in her eyes. She was worried that she wasn't good enough for me anymore. That I had moved beyond her and I wouldn't be waiting for her anymore.

She pulled her arm from my hand. And started to back up.

"Buffy."

She ignored my attempt at contact. An attempt to establish that we were still connected. That somewhere and sometime that we would be together again.

"Dawn, its time to go."

Without waiting for her Buffy turned to leave. Dawn brushed past me only looking at me briefly with eyes filled with hurt and anger. As Buffy crossed through the front door she looked back at me for a moment. I waited for her to say or do something. But she didn't. She was gone.

I stood there in my confusion and pain. Xander cleared his throat. Great. It was time for the ass kicking.

"Let's get this done. I told Anya I would be over to her place in time for dinner."

He surprised me. The incident between Buffy and me wasn't mentioned. We went back to work and managed to get all the cabinets out that afternoon. It felt good as we looked around the empty room. Now it would be time to start putting in the new ones. But later. Once we were done Xander didn't stick around long. He had Anya waiting for him. Lucky guy. Things hadn't been easy for them but at least they were working on it.

I wish I could say the same for Buffy and me. As time went on the space between us kept getting wider. And she just didn't seem to care as much. Yeah, she still wanted me. But then she had always wanted me. But it seemed that she was moving on with her life. Maybe I should just back off and leave her alone. Let her have her chance with Richard.

After I took a shower I threw myself onto my bed and turned the TV on. Hoping to get lost in the oblivion of mindless entertainment. But as an old movie played my mind kept wandering to Buffy. Of her being there with me. I remembered back to the days when I had that mannequin that I would talk to as if she was there. And the Buffybot that I had Warren create. But nothing could compare to the real thing that I had held for such a short time. Nothing ever would again. My loneliness was getting harder to bear each day. Who was I kidding? The hell with this Richard guy. I wanted her back. On any terms.

Finally, I feel asleep holding the pillow wishing it was her. The next thing I knew the phone was ringing. It's incessant playing of some ridiculous tune Dawn had chosen kept pushing through my sleep. My hand reached out searching for it. When I found it I pulled it my ear.

"What?" I barked out. I had been lost in a dreamless world without her in it. That's where I wanted to stay.

The sound of crying came through the phone. Then a voice filled with pain came through to me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you."

Then silence as the caller hung up. It had been Buffy. I squinted at the faceplate to see what time it was. Two AM. I tried calling her back. But only got her voice mail. As I pulled on some clothes I kept trying to call her. Still no answer. I broke every speed limit law there was while I drove to her apartment. Bringing the bike to a screeching stop at her front door. The door was locked and there was no answer to my knock. I walked around to the patio. The sliding glass door's lock was easily broken when I pulled back on it.

Only silence greeted me when I entered the apartment. No crying. No voices. No movement. But the smell of blood came to me. Strong and fresh. Fuck. Buffy had been hurt. I ran down the hall looking in the bathroom but she wasn't there. Her bedroom was next at the end of the hall. I stopped in the doorway as I saw her. Shock at seeing what she had done hit me. I started to move toward her taking in what was before me. She was sitting on the floor her back to the wall. Her legs spread out in front of her. The t-shirt she was wearing was pulled up nearly to her breasts.

There was blood all over her. Cuts fresh and still bleeding covered her legs and stomach. The knife still clutched in her hand. It's blade still poised above her leg. I must have interrupted her ritual. At my entrance her eyes came to look at me. Glazed over. Lost in her own escape.

This afternoon when she was strung out I should have known. I moved slowly across the room coming to crouch down in front of her.

"Hey." She just looked at me. Like I was a figment of her imagination. My hand reached carefully for the knife. Her hand tightened on its handle. I dropped my hand away from her.

"Bad day?"

Her eyes closed and she moved her head to face away from me. The hand with the knife moved to rest on the floor.

"Go away."

"No. I'm not going anywhere. Already told you that."

Buffy drew her legs up and winced at the pain as she stretched some of the cuts. I left her for a moment to get a washcloth dampened it and grabbed some antibacterial cream from out of the cabinet. She didn't say anything as she watched me clean her cuts up. Letting me move her legs when I needed to.

When I had finished dabbing the cream on her. I reached up and pulled the t-shirt back down around her waist. I looked up in surprise as her hand weaved its way through my hair.

"Hold me." A simple request. Yeah, I could do that. Hold her. I gathered her into my arms and laid her down in the bed. Pulling the covers over her. After I turned the light off I laid down with her. Spooning myself into her back. I reached across her taking her hand in mine.

"I woke up to a nightmare. And you weren't here." In the dark it was safe. Safe to say what was in your heart. And whispering your fears to a dead man didn't make them real. Somehow she read my thoughts. She squeezed my hand.

"Don't think that. You are life. You gave me back my life."

I buried my face in the soft cascade of her hair. Inhaling the scent of her. My heaven.

"So, what happened? Besides the nightmare." I muffled because I wasn't moving. Going to enjoy every second that I was in her bed.

"Tomorrow." A soft laugh. "Today."

"The adoption?"

She nodded her head as she took a deep breath. The tears were fighting their way to the surface again.

"I thought you were okay with it?"

"For Dawn. It's what's best for her. She needs it." Her voice quavered with her hurt.

"And you?" I moved to prop myself up on my elbow so that I could look down at her. Kissing her shoulder. My lips moved softly across her skin.

"Another failure." She rolled over onto her back to look up at me. Our hands still clinging together.

"How's it going with Sara? Are you still going?"

"Yeah. Every Wednesday at 4 PM."

Even as we spoke of other things I could see it there in her eyes. Desire. Longing. Closing my eyes I told myself no. To not give in to the temptation.

"She says not to be so hard on myself. That even if I am the Slayer that I am only human." A tear slid down her cheek. Falling onto her pillow between us. "I just thought that…" Her voice fell off leaving the thought undone.

"Once you started going. Once the decision to get better was made that everything would be easy." I finished it for her. But it wasn't. Some things were better and some things were harder. "You just have to keep fighting. Six years of pain isn't going to be solved in three months."

She took her hand from mine bringing in up to cup my cheek.

"I miss you. Sleeping with you. Having you take care of me. I don't like it when we fight."

Lifting herself off the bed she rose up to kiss me. Her lips meeting mine in an explosion of need. I met her halfway with all the longing that was inside of me. Our tongues mating and dancing. Fighting to satisfy our craving for the other.

She turned to me her body meeting mine. Her hand reached between us to pull the comforter out of the way. My hand reached out and stopped her.

"No."

I was breathing as hard as her. My body mimicked the depth of my emotions.

She tried to kiss me again and I turned my head. Her mouth settled in the crook of my neck. Her tongue blazing trails against my flesh.

"Buffy, no." My hand on her shoulder pushed her back onto the bed. "Not like this. Not when you are trying to escape."

I was calling myself every name in the book. The wanting of her would only leave me in pain with no way of release. But I knew that if we did make love tonight that tomorrow it would only put more distance between us. I had to gamble on forever. Not just tonight.

We settled back down and I held her till dawn. Watching over her while she slept. When it was almost sunrise I moved away from her. Leaving her with a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"Love you, baby."

I was moving through the door when I heard her.

"I love you, too."

What could I do? I turned to look to make sure she was awake. She was. I smiled at her and left. I was alone and so was she. But now more than ever hope was burning in my chest.