Chapter 34 - Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing

You ever love so much you thought your little heart was gonna break in two?
I didn't think so.
You ever tried with all your heart and soul to get your lover back to you?
I wanna hope so.
You ever pray with all your heart and soul just to watch her walk away?
You ever toss and turn your lying awake and thinking about the one you love?
I don't think so.
You ever close your eyes you making believe you're holding the one you love?
Well if you say so.
It hurts so bad when you finally know just how low, low, low, low, low, she'll go.
Baby did a bad bad thing, feel like crying
Chris Isaak

I stayed up on the catwalk until the tears had quit running down my face and the pain in my chest eased a little. With the back of my hand I wiped away the tears from my face and turned to leave. Dawn would be safe with Willow and Tara there was no reason for me to stay. I moved quickly through the shadows toward the back door. There was no way I could face any of them now. I couldn't speak even if I saw them. The grief was choking me leaving me to try to swallow it away. All I wanted was to curl into a ball somewhere and howl all the pain away from me.

Nothing could keep me from my destination. The first bottle of whiskey that I could find. A dark corner of Willie's was my hiding spot. The bottle and a shot glass were put on the table in front of me. Without thought of my motions I poured the first glassful. Picked it up bringing it to my mouth. Throwing my head and letting it hit the back of my throat with a welcome flame. It burned down into my belly. I poured the second glass and picked up.

Then a voice soft and hesitant echoed through my head. I looked up and she was there soft and shimmering in my imagination. Her eyes glowed with an affection that only is built through an eternity of love. Her words giving me hope.

As long as you hold on I will never be able to figure this out.

Let me go.

Give me the freedom to find my way back to you.

Give me the room to make my mistakes so that I know that you are the only right thing left.

Let me burn my bridges so that the only place to go is back to you.

It hit me low in my gut in that place where decisions are made with our hearts and soul. I had to let her go. I put the glass back down on the table and walked out. Once I knew what I had to do I was still hesitant to tell her. There would be no turning back from this. And I could only hope that somewhere she would be mine again. Before this thing had gone too far.

Several cemeteries later and a few staked vampires later I turned to go to her place. It was only a little bit past midnight. I would tell her and leave. As I approached her place I noticed it. His car was still in the driveway. My reasoning told me that he would be leaving soon. She didn't want him there was no reason for him to be there.

I moved across the street into the little park that was there and took a seat on a bench facing her door. Only the small flickering lights of candles illuminated her apartment. My pack of cigarettes almost didn't last as I waited for him to leave. There was a rip in my heart that grew more jagged and bloody as each minute passed. My good intentions were taken away by the images burning in my mind.

Her naked body writhing under him as he took what was mine. His name called out in the throes of her orgasm. His cum spilling out into her. The sweat of the two of them coating her body. His breath mingling with hers as they panted in the exertions of their joining.

Without realizing what I was doing I vamped out. Going into full predator mode. Protector of my mate. My woman. My love. I crouched down underneath the tree by her door where I could wait for him to leave. My hands balanced me. Where with just one push off of my feet and hands I could pounce on him and rip his throat out before he even knew what was attacking him. The chip was forgotten as I planned revenge. As I saw red.

The night was almost gone when he finally left. His shirt was fastened by only a few buttons. Obviously pulled on as he exited her bed. His shoes were carried in his hand. He looked around as he heard me growl. It was the deep thundering growl of a demon that had been caged for way too long. But he didn't see me as he turned to hurry to his car. As I lunged for him the chip in my fucking skull went off leaving me to land on the ground in impotent fury. A howl ripped through me. Mourning the loss of a perfect kill. The stupid fucker must have been lost in the glory of his conquest because he never noticed me.

But she was still there. He could be taken care of another time. There is more than way to take a life. Sometimes murder was like revenge and you didn't even have to touch them to affect them. A malevolent grin crossed my face as I thought of the pleasure it would be to make her pay for all my hurt. Poor baby thought she had tamed me. That a soul could cage the beast within me. Turn me into a pet that could be played with when she remembered or had the time.

The silly bint hadn't gotten her sliding glass door fixed from last night. Was it only last night that I had taken care of her bewildering sorrow and guilt? Tonight I would be cause of it. I stepped into her living room and listened for where she was. The bathroom. How nice that she would be in a place that held such infinite torture possibilities. The air was only filled with the cloying smell of candles when I sniffed the air. It probably would have made me wretch if the scent of their fucking was the dominant smell. I moved down the hallway growling out a warning that I was going to begin an attack.

The water was running. Hot and steamy. Her shadow was visible behind the curtain. She was naked and wet just a few feet from me. I remembered how her body got a rosy hue from the heat of the water. How the curls between her legs hung as straight as the hair on her head when they were wet. Remembered how good it felt to pick her up burying myself in her heat as the water fell over and around us. My tongue darted out and ran across my lips as I thought of her lying beneath me still soaking wet. Pleading for release.

I reached into my pocket for my last cigarette. Putting it between my lips and lighting it. Taking a deep drag into my lungs. She jumped as the smoke curled into the air alerting her to my presence.

"Who's there?" She called out as I saw her shadow take on a defense stance. It was actually kind of amusing at the time.

"It's only me, Baby."

"Spike?" She pulled the curtain back to look at me. Her eyes widening when she saw me in game face. "What's going on?"

"We need to talk." Simple and to the point. She didn't need to know yet what I was planning for her. She just nodded her head at me and held out her hand.

"Hand me a towel."

I picked up a towel and held it up for her. Like I used to. Waiting for her to step into it. She grabbed it away from me and wrapped it around her before she stepped out. I stood my ground refusing to move aside to let her pass. She had to brush against me in order to get away from the tub. I inhaled deeply as she went by me. It was all Buffy. Only her scent clung to her.

"Am I not good enough to look at you anymore?" My voice cracked over my emotions as I hung my head.

She grabbed another towel bending over to wrap her hair in it. Then she dismissed me like I was nothing. A casual turn away to the vanity and I was no longer important.

"I asked you a bloody question. Have I gone back to not being good enough for you?" She flinched as I shouted at her. Then turned to face me with no fear in her eyes.

"Spike, go home. I'll come over later when you have calmed down." She acted like I was going to take whatever orders she issued out to me. Like I was second rate or something. "I was going to come over and talk to you anyway."

"Why? Why the fuck would you come over to talk to me? To soddin' brag about it?" Her total lack of feeling at the moment amazed me. Just hours ago she was asking me if I would never leave her. Asking me if I would love our children. Her body wanted mine tonight. Then she came home and crawled into bed with him. Now, she was acting as if nothing had happened.

"I don't know what the hell you are so upset about. Just leave. I am not going to talk to you when you are like this." Then she turned from me again.

Through my rage that was finally free I went to her. Her body was fragile as I turned her to face me. Holding onto her wrists I twisted her arms around her back and leaned against her. It was then that I saw it. A perfect diamond solitaire was lying on the counter. Sparkling out its glorious intentions in the glare of the bathroom light. Now, I knew why.

"Spike, let go of me. You're hurting me." Her body twisted against mine as she tried to get away.

"Then we're even because that's all you've ever done to me." My words were intentionally cruel as I moved down to look down at her. Her eyes filled with hurt as they cut deep into her. It was then that she started to cry.

"Stop this. Please. Don't do this." I didn't know if meant the physical or emotional hurt that I was laying on her. Whatever she meant it to be was lost as she pushed back from the counter with her hips. Her upper body slammed into mine sending me backwards. I was still holding on to her when I started to fall. She came crashing down with me. Hitting her lower back then her head on the edge of the tub. Finally coming to land half on top of me.

"Buffy, are you okay? Buffy?" I turned us so she was laying on her back on the other side of me. As she started to open her eyes a deep moan of pain moved through her. My game face and my rage had been lost in the moments of our fall. In my fear that she was hurt. My love for her slammed back through me and I felt a shame that overwhelmed me.

"No. Nothing is okay." She turned on her side away from me. Her hand held her back where she had hurt it. At her end with me and with everything she began to weep. Great gulping cries that rocked through the core of her being.

I reached out to touch her. My hand came to rest on her shoulder stroking it gently. Just held her until the storm had passed. Until there was only small sniffles left as she gathered herself together. It was time. To tell her. To end my dreams. I didn't want to ask about the ring or her plans. I didn't want to hear. Being here with her was tearing me apart. It was time to make a clean cut and run. Before something else happened that couldn't be undone.

"I'm sorry." I moved to rest my forehead on her shoulder. My tears trailed across her skin still damp from the shower. "I came here tonight to tell you that I would let you go. Do what you asked me to do."

Maybe one of us could be happy that way. Stop this constant torment between us. She was free to go for her dreams. I wouldn't be there anymore. I started to pull away from her but she rolled over onto her back to look up at me. Her hand came to cup my face.

"Don't, Buffy. Don't give me reasons to hope."

Her hand dropped away from me. Confusion clouded her eyes. I reached a finger out to trace her face and then her lips.

"Be happy, Baby." I stood and reached a hand down to her. She took it and I pulled her to her feet. Then I turned to leave moving down the hallway as quickly as I could. She softly called my name as I left. But I didn't respond. If I paused or slowed down I would never leave. Went out the front door this time. As I opened the door I saw my duster hanging on a hook by the door. With a laugh I grabbed it and took it with me. It was garbage day. The duster found its new home on top of someone's kitchen slop. The trophy was meaningless now and she didn't need it to protect her anymore. There was someone else for that.