To Dream…the impossible dream
To fight…the unbeatable foe
To Bear…with unbearable sorrow
To Run...with the brave do not go
To Right...the unrightable wrong
To Love...pure and chase from afar
To try…when your arms are too weary
To reach…the unreachable star

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
And I know if I'll only be true, to this glorious quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm,
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world be better for this:
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach…the unreachable star

I had told Giles when all this began that I wasn't changing just for Buffy. My quest to regain my soul was because I had changed. It was because I wanted to fight on the side of right. To help protect the world from things that go bump in the night. And the hell gods and demons that wanted to destroy this world.

I sat alone in the quiet of my house and realized that my journey had actually begun the night I first saw her. When she was dancing with Willow and Xander. For so long I thought that she had only affected me physically. But over those few days she had impressed me. She had been so different from the other Slayers. The ones I had taken out. Her bravery and defiance served her well. Her family and friends only added to her strength. Making her an almost undefeatable opponent.

From the first meeting she was always there in the back of my mind. She kept calling out to the man in me. She was my star guiding me home. And I had taken that first step into her light when I had made that pact with her. The pact when I offered to help her with Angelus to keep the world from being sucked into a hell dimension. I couldn't help but to keep returning to dance on the edge of her world.

Something or someone was always controlling things. What I had thought was my leash was only my pass card to her life. To be able to be with her almost daily. To be able to become a part of her inner circle. I fought it, oh God, how I fought it. Anyway I could. My mouth. My alliance to Adam. Anything to keep her from seeing my vulnerability when it came to her. And to her friends.

But almost unbidden I kept taking steps closer to her. To that world that I hungered for. But always thought was beyond my reach. I had thought it was forever denied me when Drusilla turned me. But it was always there beckoning me. Never really enjoyed the darkness the way my companions did. Never found the deep thrill that they did in the torture or kill. But I gave it my best shot. Do vampires have a conscience? Not really. But it never set quite right for me. I still craved what life had to offer.

Then last year she had opened the door and let me in. Yeah, it was because she needed me. But she treated me like a man. Not a beast. And I found myself making promises to fight with her. To protect little sis. And I tried. I tried so hard not to let her down. Then to see her broken body lying there almost destroyed me. And I vowed even though she wasn't there that I wouldn't let her down. Still kept fighting along side her friends, kept an eye on Dawn and mourned for her. My heart was broken. Although no one believed I was capable of such deep emotions. An evil soulless vampire was incapable of such lofty things as love.

Then she came back. My angel was returned to me. Broken and torn. She turned to me to share her secrets with. I know she was only doing it to keep from hurting her friends with her pain. But it was also because she knew that she could trust me. That I would keep her secrets.

Then darkness pulled me back when Drusilla needed me. Going back into the darkness had hurt. It was like being covered with itching powder that you can't get off. I did my duty to my sire. Without her I would never have found Buffy. But I couldn't wait to get home. Back to Sunnydale.

The journey that we have taken together since my return had pushed me off the fence. Directly into the light. Where I stood with no shadows to protect me. To protect my heart. It was time. It was that proverbial do or die situation. Make good with the promises or sneak out of town in the middle of the night.

After our talk Buffy started to slip away from us. Not literally. She was still there physically. But it was like a heart thing. A slipping away of the spirit. It was like she had made sure everybody was okay. That we were secure and safe before she left us. Dawn was with Giles. Anya and Xander were working it out. And Tara and Willow were like lovebirds again. And me? She made sure that I knew that it wasn't me. That her love would always be mine. Even if I couldn't hold her.

Every day after she got off work she would call me. To check in. To make sure everything was okay. To talk about things that only I would understand. Slowly, she turned the reins of the leader over to me. I was the only one who wasn't working or going to school. That wasn't responsible for someone else directly. Plus, I still had my ear to the ground. The connection to the demon world. The demons hated me more than ever. But there were a few that still talked to me. Like Clem. He was hanging out at my place all the time now.

Her daily calls included coordinating patrol times. She didn't go that often. But she still wanted status reports. Her time was being spent with Richard and his friends. Living in his world.

I took her advice and got furniture. Giles had some in storage that was leftover from when his flat and the house had been combined. So, I ended up with places for people to sit. Buffy was right. They did come to visit. To hold their meetings. To hang out. The first few times they came over I thought they were crazy. They were acting like we were friends. Which I guess we were becoming.

Xander and I had become comfortable around each other while working on the house and patrolling. Not that everything was perfect between us. It probably never would. But it was better.

Dawn was still coming over most days to hang out and help me to do stuff. Sometimes Janice came along and they would just enjoy being away from parental control. They thought they were the shit hanging out at my place. I didn't know why because I wouldn't let them do much more than their parents would.

Giles had become my mentor. Giving me advice. The one I could talk to. The one I turned to when I became confused or lost focus. He helped me deal with my soul. And my feelings for Buffy.

And me. I was doing good. I had found a place that I belonged. Slowly, I was becoming a part of this family that I had wanted to be included in for so long. Anya had told me to start dating. But I wasn't ready. Until Buffy made her decision I wasn't going to. And if it came down to the fact that she left me for good I knew I wouldn't be devastated. That I would be able to get up the next day and keep going. My heart was hurting but my life was no longer built around just Buffy. And she had given me that too.

I had a purpose. I was one of the good guys. I helped to make the world a better place. I belonged somewhere. I had a home. Family and friends.

The path to this point had started that day at the Bronze. And it wasn't over yet. I didn't know where I would end up. But I wasn't alone anymore. And that made all the difference.

Buffy had been the star that had brought me this far. But she wasn't the destination. That had yet to be revealed. And I hadn't given up hope that she would return to travel beside me. Love is a powerful and funny thing. Real love is blood screaming inside of you to work its will. And I knew that what she felt for me was real love. It was the kind of love that would only grow stronger with time. She just had to realize it was stronger than anything else out there.

Until then I had a life to live.

***The last chapter was written to reveal where Buffy was at. This is Spike's turn. To give a look on where his head and heart are after the talk. With the next chapter the story will start progressing again.