Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
One day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why oh why can't I
E Y Harburg

It was typical Buffy. What else should I have expected? That she would come running to me afterwards and declare that she would never leave me. It had the opposite effect. No word from her in two days. She had spoken to Xander and told him that she would handle patrolling alone. My phone calls had gone unanswered. Well, my phone call. The more I pushed the more she would run. So, I left her alone.

It was Wednesday when she finally came to see me. I was finishing hanging the wallpaper in the kitchen and had opened the windows to cool it off some. A breeze brought her scent to me. It was faint but indistinguishable. When she didn't show up for a few minutes I followed it. She was out there somewhere trying to figure out how to approach me. So, I helped her out by going to her.

I found her sitting on the bench where her fantasy had taken place. She was leaning back on her hands with her hair flowing out behind her. It was luminous in the moonlight and the breeze was gently making it dance. Her face upturned to the night. Her breathing was soft and even almost as if she were meditating. I hesitated behind her afraid to break the serenity of the mood. Maybe she wasn't ready to face me and I would only be starting trouble if I approached. I wondered if I should turn and go back home.

"Spike."

She whispered my name not even opening her eyes or turning to me. I took a few more steps toward her moving around the bench to stand in front of her. She brought her head down and opened her eyes. To look directly into mine holding their gaze. I tried to read what she was thinking but they were hooded. Not giving the secrets away.

Growing more nervous under her stare I looked away as I fumbled through my pockets for my cigarettes. But I had left them at home. I didn't understand why she wasn't saying anything. Unable to take it anymore I turned back to look into her eyes again. A smile graced her face when I met her gaze. She stood and took a few steps.

"Let's walk."

She waited for my assent before she started to move again. I fell into step beside her. I wish she would say something. Anything to indicate how she felt about the other night. Was she just going to ignore that it ever happened? She didn't seem to be angry or hurt or vengeful. There was an air of contemplative peace about her. Her stride was easy like it was just a stroll she was seeking.

"Buffy?"

I couldn't hold out anymore. My need to have something definitive to hold onto was stronger than anything else at the moment was. Even her anger would be welcome. Rather than this feeling of free falling.

"Yes?"

"What's going on?"

"We're walking through a cemetery at night." She turned to me and smirked. It was deliberate this leaving me hanging. A way to torture me and punish me for the other night.

"Smart ass."

Then she laughed softly. It was a melodious sound that echoed around us. My hands came to rest on my hips as I stared at her. Trying to decide what I should be feeling. So many things were going through me at the moment. One of which was choking her to death and dumping her body on Richard's doorstep. Another was to drag her back to the house and lock her in the attic until she agreed to be mine. Or the most logical was just to walk away and leave her there. Turn the torture back on her.

I turned to go when she reached out for my arm.

"I'm sorry, Spike. Don't go."

Then she giggled again and that did it. I reached for her and started to tickle her. She struggled against me not really fighting to get away. Then my hands turned to move over her slowly reacquainting myself with the curves of her body. She cuddled into me her arms wrapped around my waist. Her nose buried in the crook of my neck inhaling my scent. One of us groaned as I reached down to cup her bottom and pulled her to me.

Her hands came to my shoulders and pushed me away. I knew it had to be too good to last. The world fell away as I wanted to die from the wanting and needing of her. All the pain that had become a dull ache from time came slamming back through me. Then her hands moved from my shoulders to cup my face as a tear found its way down my face. I wanted to pull away from her but my heart just wanted to take whatever I could get. There had been a part of me that had hoped that the weekend and Monday would convince her to be with me. It had been a foolish dream that I was now paying for.

"Don't cry, baby. Please don't cry now."

Her words pleading with me not to hurt from her anymore.

"I can't do that."

I stepped back from her and wiped at my face with the heel of my hands. Would the tears ever stop falling? Would the pain ever go away? She sighed as she watched me.

"Damn it. I'm sorry that this hurts. And that it doesn't suit your purposes."

I turned to start walking home.

"Spike, I need to talk to you. Please?"

"What do you want to say? That it was a mistake and I was a bastard for taking advantage of you? That…."

I hadn't turned around because the tears were falling again. But before I could finish her arms were around me. Her face pressed to my back.

"No. Not a mistake. You never have been nor will you ever be a mistake. Do you understand me?" Her words were fierce in their intensity as they tried to break through my wall of defense. I froze as something inside wanted to believe her. A curl of hope rose from my desperation.

"Buffy, don't say something that you don't mean."

She loosened her hold and turned me to face her.

"We need to talk. Can you listen to me with an open mind?"

All I wanted was to bury myself somewhere and try to forget everything. I wanted to believe in us so badly but it just wasn't turning out the way I wanted it too. At this point I was so sure she was going to leave with him that I just wanted it over with. But I had to hear her out. Hopefully, she wouldn't take long to finish breaking my heart. So I told her yes that I would listen to her.

She reached out for my hand and started to walk again.

"What happened scared me. The whole thing from Friday to Monday showed me how vulnerable I am to you. Not necessarily in a bad way but how easily you move me. I thought about things, then I talked to Richard, then to Sara, and then talked to Richard again."

"You told him what happened?" I stopped and pulled her to face me. I couldn't believe she would do that.

"No. No. There is no way I would tell him that. "

She shook her head and then took a step closer to me.

"I don't know how to say this. I really don't. Not without hurting you now or possibly later. Of protecting you or giving you false hope." There was so much confusion clouding her face. Whatever she wanted to tell me had her torn up. And it wasn't going to be said casually or without a lot of thought.

"Just say it. Whatever you decided just say it and let me deal. Instead of this dance you're doing."

She moved away from me to sit on a tombstone folding her hands in her lap.

"Richard came over last night. And we talked for awhile. His last day working with Xander is Friday. Then Saturday he is flying to Dallas for a week. Did I ever tell you his family is there? That's why he's going."

She looked up at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I didn't give a shit.

"He likes you."

Great! Make me feel guilty for hating him. She smiled quickly then turned her gaze back to the grass at my feet.

"I know that if…if he was staying here that I couldn't continue to date him."

I was right. She was going to leave with him.

"So, you're going to fucking go off to Dallas to be with him. I give up, Buffy. Go. Do whatever. I don't care anymore."

My temper didn't even let her finish. Every moment of not being good enough had risen to the occasion. Every moment of being told by someone how I was beneath them wrapped itself around my heart. I turned around and started running off. Blindly without choosing directions. Letting my emotions carry me. I heard her behind me and I tried to pick up speed. Then she jumped landing on my back. Then I was face down on the ground with her straddling my back.

"I knew this was going to happen. No matter how I put it. You've come so far when are you going to start believing in yourself, Spike?" She leaned forward her hands running up my back. Her face was leaning over my shoulder and I could feel her body against me. I tried to push up with my hands to throw her off when she wrapped her arms around me.

"No. You are going to hear me out."

"Can I at least turn over?"

"No. This is tempting enough."

Then she sat back up resting on my back. I sighed and gave up. My head rested on my arms crossed beneath it.

"Richard asked me to go with him next week. He knows he doesn't have my heart here and he just wants to see how I feel away from Sunnydale. I haven't promised him anything. I agreed to go as his friend but with an open mind. He wants me to meet his family and see Dallas."

I hadn't heard anything beyond 'his friend'. She had relaxed some and with my hands I pushed off. As I turned I grabbed her arm to keep from dumping her on the ground. That was better as she settled against my lower stomach. Her hands splayed across my chest.

"And I am not promising you anything either. I don't know. Maybe he is right. I'll get there and everything will become clear. That I belong with him or that maybe I'll just want to be in Dallas."

"Or are you hoping that will happen? Are you just looking for excuses at this point?"

She was giving me hope then taking it away again. I pushed her off and stood up. She scrambled off the ground and brushed dirt and grass off her pants. Then she straightened up looking at me with anger and love in her eyes.

"You know this isn't just some contest between you two. And you agreed to give me the room I needed to figure this out. "

"And I already told you that I don't care anymore."

"Fine. You don't. Good-bye Spike."

Then she turned and walked off. I wanted so badly to yell out for her. To chase her and beg her to take me back. That I would agree to anything. Just let me be a part of her life. One of these day I would learn to keep my pride from talking. To keep it locked away in a corner of me and tape its mouth shut. Just as she was giving me some inkling of hope I had told her to go away. Brilliant move.

It seemed like I stood there forever watching the direction that she had gone in. Hoping that she would come back. But she didn't. I had done it this time. It was time to go home and face the consequences of my actions. Pride and Anger = 1. Love and Trust = 0.

The tears were falling down my face as I approached the house. My vision was blurry through the wetness and I thought I saw her sitting on the steps. Quickly I wiped the tears away and blinked. She was still there. When she heard me approach she looked up to watch me. A smile welcomed me home. I stopped in front of her and waited as she stood.

She reached out to me. Her hand curling behind my head. Her fingers threaded through my hair pulled me to her. Our lips met softly at first. Her tongue came hesitantly to me running across my lips seeking entrance. I opened my mouth and let her in meeting her with the same fervor as her own pursuit. They slid across each other. Circling and dueling. I don't know how long we stood there kissing. We broke apart a few times for her to take in oxygen then met again in need. Finally she pulled away from me and then wrapped her arms around me. I ran my hands across her back as we stood there.

"Let me see this through. A lot can happen in a week. Maybe you really won't care anymore by the time I get back. Maybe there I will fall in love with him. I don't know. But I need to do this."

She squeezed me hard in her arms then let me go. My fingers traced her jaw line then across her lips.

"Go. Go and see that there isn't a big neon sign telling you that's where you belong. But just know this. Don't come back to me if there is any doubt left. I won't let you leave again."

She nodded and kissed me quickly before walking away. Halfway across the yard she turned around and started to walk backwards.

"Spike, didn't anyone ever tell you that it is rude to hang up on people?" A big grin crossed her face as waited for my answer.

"And you want to give me a lecture on manners?"

"Oh, excuse me. The Big Bad doesn't have to be polite."

She stopped moving for a minute. Her hands propped on her hips.

"That's right."

Then she laughed at whatever joke she thought she had on me.

"Well, Mr. Big Bad, if you hadn't hung up on me I was going to tell you and Little Bad to come over to finish what you started. But, oh well."

She shrugged her shoulders throwing her hands up in the air. Laughing again she turned and walked away into the night.

"Buffy." I whined as she walked away. Yeah, I whined. One of these days I would learn. At least I hoped so as I banged my head against the doorframe.