I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven…no, heaven don't hear me
And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away
Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us
A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came
Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It's in the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do
Chad Kroeger

She had left with him as planned on Saturday morning. Dawn had called me crying when the plane took off. Until the last moment she didn't think that Buffy would actually leave. I had told her to be patient that eventually she would return to us. But it's hard to convince someone else of that when I had a hard time believing it myself.

A part of me still thought that this would all work out. That this trip was just a way to tie up loose ends and finish her relationship with him. A week wasn't forever and she would come back to me. To all of us. And when she did we would start a life together.

Then there was the part of me that kept saying it was over. This part I hated. It was all my insecurities and fears wrapped up in a very vocal part. It kept telling me that I was a fool to even hope that someone like her could love me.

I hated her. I loved her. She was turning me inside out. And upside down. I just wanted to know. One way or another if she wanted to be with me. It wasn't her love I doubted but whether or not I was good enough to build a life with. To share her hopes and dreams. To be a part of her days and nights for the rest of her life.

And that scared me too. Her life. To give everything I had to a human. She was a human that would only exist for a fraction of the time that I would. And eventually I would have to watch her wither away and die. Leaving me to live eternity without her.

Okay, too many thoughts as I sat alone in my house. Smoking one cigarette after another as I tried to visualize what she was doing. The day slowly ebbed away and I still didn't move. As the darkness settled around me like a blanket. I wondered detachedly if I would still be sitting there when she got back. Had everything ceased to exist while she was gone? And had I also ceased to be?

I really don't know how long I would have sat there if they hadn't come to find me. Of course they didn't knock. They just walked in like they were welcome. I watched their shadows move into the room as I wondered why they mattered to me. And if I could if I would still leave them bloodless and dead. Or if I would cradle them to me and protect them.

Xander reached for the light switch causing my eyes to blink as the room flooded with light. Anya stood beside him. Behind them were Willow and Tara hand in hand. I just stared at them as I took a deep drag from my cigarette and then reached over to crush it out. I exhaled the smoke that still remained in my lungs and waited. It was their show. Let them talk first.

"Well, just as we thought. He has gone into deep depressed mood." Willow commented as she looked at me.

"Not depressed." I mumbled to her lying about the black cloud that surrounded me. Looked away from them to stare at the floor between my feet.

I heard them laugh as if I had told a joke. The tears burned behind my eyelids and I blinked them away. Time enough for that when she took the last of my hopes away.

"Come on, you worthless, lazy vampire. It's time to get out of here." Xander came over and put a hand on my shoulder.

"And do you know how much I want you dead." I looked up at him with his big goofy grin on his face. Yeah, smash it into a bloody pulp.

"And do you know how much I want to stake you. Let's see, chip man, who would win? Get up and let's go." He didn't believe me. And I didn't either. Time had caused a familiarity between us. The old insults were still tossed about but now they were laced with an almost brotherly affection.

"And where might we be going?" I asked him.

"We rented movies and are going back to my place. Someplace that has air conditioning to watch them." He explained to me. The heat of the day had relentlessly stayed into the night. The inside of my house had a heavy humid feel to it.

"Sounds like a right fine time for a vampire. Hanging out with food and watching movies." I didn't really want to go. Just wanted to stay here and drown in my misery.

"But we need you to be the VCR man." Anya piped up and when I gave her a funny look she explained why. "Because you're the single one. You work the VCR so we don't have to move."

Tara and Willow giggled but stopped as soon as I flashed them a dirty look. But then I smiled at them. The two of them lately had been lost in each other. And it was good to see. They waited for me to make up my mind. Eventually I gave in and went with them. What else was there to do?

We decided to stop at the corner store to pick up beer and stuff. The beer was the only thing I was really concerned about. But they all wanted different snacks and drinks so once we were in the store we separated. Willow and Tara went off to look for ice cream, Anya to get chips and Xander and I went for the liquid refreshment.

I was carrying the beer and Xander the soda when I looked up and saw the man that would change our lives forever. None of us would ever look at life again the same way. They all grew up in one moment and I took another step to being one of them.

This man stood just inside the door nervously looking about.

"Everybody freeze. No one moves unless I tell you to." He shouted out to the clerk and patrons as he lifted a gun into the air. I immediately looked to see where the girls were. Tara and Willow were coming around the corner their heads together as they whispered to each other. As they rounded the end of the aisle the man turned toward them. His gun pointed right at Tara. As she looked up her eyes grew wide in fright as she realized what was happening. His finger began to depress the trigger and I realized that it was too late.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo."

To this day I can't tell you who screamed it. I dropped the beer and jumped toward Tara. To my left I saw Xander move. My arm snagged her around the waist and pulled her to the floor. The shot reverberated around us. I fell on the floor partially on top of Willow and Tara was on top of me.

"It's okay. Everything is okay. I moved her out of the way. Everybody is just fine.."

I lay there for a second in shock. Feeling their bodies around mine. Then the blood flowed over me. Sticky and warm. Its sweet scent filled the air around me.

"No. No. She's not hurt. You are imagining it."

I laid her on the floor as I shifted out from under her.

"Tara. Tara, Baby, wake up." Willow was sobbing hysterically as she bent over Tara. I stared down at her in disbelief. At the blood that was flowing from the wound on her shoulder.

"Blood. It's everywhere. Feed. No. Not feed. She can't live without it. It has to stay in her. Have to stop it from leaving her. Come on. Fifty years of watching medical shows. What do I do?"

I looked around me and saw paper towels on the shelf. In one motion I grabbed it and ripped them from their package then the roll in half. I picked her up and laid her on her side. Her head cradled on Willow's lap. The bullet had gone straight through her shoulder. The blood was flowing from both sides of her. I put half of the towels on one side and half on the other.

"Put pressure on it. There has to be pressure for it to stop."

Willow kept running her fingers through her hair as she rocked back and forth. An endless litany of 'I love you' and 'Don't leave me' was spoken through her tears.

"Good. It will stop now. She'll be okay now. She'll be okay. She'll be okay. Don't go away. Let her die. Fresh blood. Has been so long. No. Tara is my friend. Don't vamp out. Don't vamp out. Whatever you do don't do the vampire thing.""

The sound of scuffling finally reached me. From the front of the store came the sound of cursing and flesh hitting flesh. A moment of silence then another shot rang out.

"No. No. Xander. Be okay. Xander. Was supposed to take care of them. Fucking failure."

The gunman appeared in front of me as he ran from the store. Then in the parking lot he fell clutching his chest. I looked at Willow. Her eyes were black as she stared at him.

"Xander. No, Xander, don't die. I need you." Anya screamed out.

"Willow." I shouted at her. She turned to me still lost in her pain somewhere. "Hold this. You have to hold this so I can check on Xander."

She stared blankly at me for a moment then shook her head. Her trembling hands reached to cover mine. I slipped mine out and pressed on hers so she would apply the pressure on Tara's wound.

"My hands. My hands are covered with blood. Tara's blood. Oh my god. Tara's life is covering me."

I stood and headed for the sound of Anya's cries. I turned to go down the aisle and slipped. My feet sliding in Xander's blood that lay in a pool on the floor. As I landed on my hip I winced from the pain as it jarred through me. Turning onto my stomach I crawled to Xander. He was laying there with his eyes closed. I reached a shaking hand out to lay it on his chest. To feel for his heart to make sure that it was still beating.

"Thank God. He is still alive. Not dead yet. They're not dead yet. Have to help him. Think. God damn it. Think."

"Anya, he's still alive." I told her calmer than I felt. The bullet had ripped through his upper leg leaving it a mess.

"It's hurts like a son of a bitch." Xander spoke through gritted teeth. His eyes watched every move I made. As I looked around an idea came to me and I reached toward Anya pulling on her belt.

"Take it off. Need to stop him from bleeding."

She pulled it off and I tied it around his thigh above his injury. I knew I needed to get back to Tara. Willow wasn't in the frame of mind to keep holding the pressure. I told Xander to hang on and he nodded slightly in response. Then I told Anya to call me if anything changed. I didn't even try to stand up. Just crawled across the floor toward the birds. As I slid around to hold onto Tara again. Someone kneeled in front of us and said that an ambulance was on the way.

"Can't handle this. Please don't let them die." I wiped my tears on my shoulder. "Buffy will never forgive me if they die. I need them. Love them. When the hell did that happen?"

I stayed there trying to keep Tara from bleeding anymore. Lights flashed in the parking lot. People came into the store. Some toward Xander. Some toward us. Someone moved my hands from her and told me to get out of the way. I crab walked back till I hit the counter and couldn't go any further. Sat down on my butt and watched as they worked on them. A paramedic came to kneel in front of me.

"Sir, are you hurt?" I stared blankly at her. "Who the hell is sir? I'm a vampire. Why the fuck do they care if I am hurt or not."

"Sir, you are covered in blood. Is any of it yours?" She asked me again. I finally shook my head at her as I stared at my hands. Moved them slowly around inspecting them. There wasn't any part of them that wasn't covered in blood. I looked down at myself. My stomach and legs were all soaked in it like I had taken a bath in it.

"Look at you. Covered in blood. Their blood and all you can think of us if they are okay. If you were a decent vampire you would be rejoicing in the carnage. You are pathetic. No. Not pathetic. Family. They are my family. My family."

It went through me like a shock. I didn't know exactly when it had happened. When exactly did they go from being my enemies to my friends to my family? But they were now. I wouldn't be alone anymore as I felt them through my heart and soul.

"They're leaving. They are being loaded up and taken away. Where's Buffy? I need Buffy. Have to be with them."

I stood on legs that were shaking and tried to follow. But they wouldn't let me into the ambulances with any of them. I saw the shooter was being loaded into one of the ambulances and wondered why they were bothering.

"I have to go with them. They are my family." I said to no one in particular. A police officer next to me turned to look at me and then yelled out for someone to get me a blanket. That I was going into shock. A blanket was laid across my shoulders as I was led to a police car. They said they would give me a ride to the hospital. I followed them without reservations my mind was occupied with the others. They put me in the back of the car closing the door behind me. One of them went to check his rearview mirror and I scooted down in the seat so he wouldn't realize I didn't have any reflection.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Blood everywhere. Need to feed. Can't feed. Lick it off your hands. No, it's their blood. Family. Not food."

I started to shake uncontrollably as I huddled there. My stomach was queasy as I inhaled the sweet scent of fresh human blood.

"Just a taste. Just a taste. No one will ever know. NO. I would. I would know."

My hand seemed to move involuntarily toward my mouth. The vampire tickled my face as he tried to surge toward the surface. My stomach lurched.

"Oh, my God I am going to be sick. Stop the car." I called out. When the car stopped the one police officer in the passenger seat moved to open the door for me to get out. I staggered away from them and sank to my knees. I didn't even know I could do this as I emptied my stomach onto the grass. Blood. I threw up the blood that I had drunk earlier. It was all I could taste as it coated my mouth. Causing me to retch some more.

My stomach finally calmed down a little and I slipped back into the car. My arms wrapped around myself as I practically lay on the seat. I didn't move until we reached the hospital.

"It's okay. They are okay. I'm okay. Fuck. Everybody is okay. Giles. Oh my God. I have to call Giles. I have to let him know."

The car stopped at the entrance to the emergency room. One of them came to help me out of the car. He walked into the hospital waiting room with me. I spotted Willow and Anya sitting together holding hands to keep from feeling alone. When they saw me they stood and ran toward me. I stopped them before they could hug me. If they touched me the blood would get all over them. Willow was cleaned up and wearing scrubs now.

"How are they?" I asked them hoping they had some information on their condition.

"They're working on them. We don't know anything yet." Willow explained to me then motioned for me to follow her to the nurse's desk. She asked the nurse on duty if I could have something to change in to. The nurse took one look at my condition and told me to follow her. She pointed me to a bathroom and handed me a set of scrubs. Leaving me alone to get cleaned up and changed.

I emptied out my pockets then peeled my clothes from my body. They ended up in a trash can. They weren't worth saving. I looked down at the blood that still clung to my stomach and legs. The trembling started again as I tried to wash the blood from me. With only paper towels it didn't want to come off. It mixed with the water as I wrung out the towels and I watched it as it swirled down the drain. The water making it lose its intensity and in the end was a bright pink as it vanished.

"What the hell am I doing? Pretending to be one of them. I'm a fucking vampire. Blood isn't supposed to make me sick. It's food. I am covered in my food. No, it's not food. It's Tara and Xander. It's a part of them. Love them."

I fell to my knees again trying to throw up again but my stomach was empty from the last time.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this. Where was Buffy? We need her. She isn't here. I need her. God, need to call her. Need to hear her voice."

I forced myself to stand and to pull on the scrubs. After grabbing my stuff I stepped into the hallway again. There was a pay phone hanging on the wall across from me. After finding the right change I dialed the number for Giles. Thankfully he answered because I didn't think I could talk to Dawn right now.

"Giles, there's been an accident."

"What happened?" His voice was instantly alert and filled with concern. I could see him standing there rubbing his brow.

"Tara and Xander. They're doing okay. At least I think. They were shot." I didn't say it in the best way. Just threw it out there and let him deal. At least I hoped so because I was beyond dealing.

"That was all of you. I…we saw it on the news." He stammered it out. His voice began to crack as he put us together with whatever he had seen on TV. "We'll be right there."

He hung up without saying anything else to me. When I returned to the waiting room they were back in the same place. I walked over to them and gestured for them to make room for me. They moved apart just enough for me to sit between them. Anya took my hand squeezing it hard in her fear and Willow moved to lay her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her to pull her closer to me. My fingers softly stroked her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her.

We were still sitting like that when Giles and Dawn came running through the door. Dawn didn't stop until she was in front of us. Willow moved away from me to make room for her. She sat between us with her legs draped over mine.

"Have you heard anything yet?" Giles asked me as he stood over us.

"No, not yet."

He went to sit on the other side of Anya taking her free hand. We were like one being all connected together by touch. None of us talked as we waited for news of the other two.

"We need to call Buffy." Dawn announced when another 45 minutes passed without news.

"No, she can't do anything from there. We'll wait until we know what's going on." Giles answered her. I was so glad that he was there. He knew what to do when all I could do was fumble my way through this. This was totally out of my realm of experience.

Finally a doctor came to see us. He was some young guy that I didn't like from the first moment. Just from the way he looked.

"Ummm, the patient…the girl…" He stopped as he started to fumble with this chart apparently looking for a name. I really hoped that he was a better doctor than a human being.

"Her name is Tara." I told him with so much force that Dawn jumped in my arms. The doctor looked from his chart to me startled that I would actually stand up to him like that. But it wasn't right that he would reduce her to being a non-person. No one was going to do that with me around.

"I'm sorry, sir, you're girlfriend." That did it. Willow stood up and faced him.

"She's my girlfriend. And if you are done being an ass, could you tell me how she is."

The doctor actually took a step back as he came under fire of Willow's anger.

"She is going to be fine. The bullet passed through the shoulder without hitting a bone or major artery. Would you like to see her?"

Willow nodded at him and started to follow him.

"Xander? What about Xander?" Anya cried out to him. Her patience was wearing thin waiting for word on him.

The doctor turned to look back at her.

"I'll check and have someone come tell you. Okay?"

"That's fine. But hurry." I answered for her. Just wanted to let the doctor know that he had better watch it or he would answer to me. They were with me and I would take care of them. It was only a few minutes later that another doctor approached us. She smiled as she came toward us. I could feel Anya relax beside me.

"Hi, I'm Dr McGowan. Are you all with Xander?"

Anya stood and we followed her up. She kept her hold on Giles and me as she faced the doctor.
"Is he okay? Is Xander all right?" She anxiously asked her.

"He is stable right now. They are taking him up to surgery right now."

She went ahead and explained to us that the bullet had hit the bone and they needed to clean it up and set his leg. It looked liked everything would be fine. She proceeded to tell us how to get to the surgical waiting room. We could wait for further word there.

While Giles went with Anya and Dawn upstairs I went to check on Willow and Tara. I asked Giles if he would call Buffy once they got upstairs. Although I really wanted to talk to her I was afraid of breaking down with her. Not that I minded her knowing that I was upset it was just that I was afraid of begging her to come back. Letting all the emotions I had been holding back come gushing out and I would end up making an ass out of myself. Let Giles handle it. That was my last thought as I stepped into the exam room where Tara was.

"Hey, you two."

"Hi, Spike." Tara looked so pale lying there. Her arm was in a sling and there was a bandage peeking out from under her gown.

"You doing better?" I stepped closer to them. Willow was sitting next to her bed holding her hand. I walked over to the other side and looked down at her.

"Yeah, thanks to you." She smiled up at me. I was so glad that she was going to be okay. Life without Tara's serenity and kindness would have a huge gaping hole in it.

"You're welcome." I leaned forehead and placed a kiss on her forehead. Then I gently brushed back a piece of her hair.

"How is Xander?" Willow looked up at me with concern for her friend on her face.

I explained to them what I knew about Xander. Willow seemed to relax a bit when she heard the news. I only stayed with them for a few minutes before heading back upstairs to check on the others.

When I came off the elevator Giles was on a pay phone talking to Buffy. He was telling her that it looked like they would both be okay. I came up beside him and waited for him to finish. He mouthed to me asking if I wanted to talk to her and I shook my head no. Then told him I would talk to her later.

"No, Buffy, it wasn't a demon attack. It was a…human trying to rob the store. He's here in the hospital. Apparently he had a heart attack in the parking lot of the store."

He continued to talk with her for a few more minutes describing their injuries and letting her know that we were all okay. Finally he told her that he would call her in the morning to give her an update.

"She's not coming back?" I asked him when he hung up the phone. We turned to start toward the waiting room. I could see Dawn and Anya waiting in chairs across from each other.

"I told her that we would see how they were in the morning. Then if necessary she could make arrangements to return."

I didn't understand it. She should have been on the next plane home. Why wasn't she coming home if they mattered as much as she said they did? The logic of the matter didn't phase my righteous anger. That there wasn't really anything she couldn't do anything tonight. To attempt to leave tonight would only put Richard's family out. To make arrangements to return tomorrow did make sense but not to me. Not then. Maybe I was looking for a reason to be mad at her. The real reason I wanted to be angry wasn't allowed since I had been the one to tell her to go with him. At least here I could check on her not like being halfway across the country from me.

I sat down next to Dawn moving so that she could curl into my side. My arm around her shoulder again. Being here reminded her of when Joyce was sick. It only made her afraid that she would lose someone else. And the fact that Buffy wasn't here wasn't helping her state of mine. This only made me angrier with Buffy.

It was a couple of more hours before we heard word about Xander. By that time Willow was with us. She had been kicked out of Tara's room after they had given her a sedative to sleep through the night. A different doctor came out after a while to us to let us know that everything had gone well. Xander was going to be fine. But he would be in a cast for a month or so while the leg healed. He would be in recovery for a few hours and only after they had determined that everything was good would he be moved to a room. They said we wouldn't be allowed to see him until morning so we may as well go home for the night.

Anya was distraught. She thought that it was unfair that she couldn't see him when Willow had been able to see Tara. But we managed to convince her that to wait until tomorrow would be the best idea. Letting him get some rest would be the best thing for him. The four of us left the hospital in a somber mood. It had been a long night and we were worn out from the stress. I suggested that we all go back to Giles's and spend the night. It was late anyway and they would want to leave first thing in the morning to come back to the hospital.

Once we got back to the house Giles acted like the mother hen and made everybody tea. And after we had all gotten a cup he started to bustle about figuring out where everybody would sleep. Dawn suggested that she and I go to pick up supplies for Willow and Anya. She had already lent them some pajamas so they could go ahead to bed. I hugged and kissed them both good night before we left.

Giles lent me his car to drive so we could get there and back faster. Dawn went with me because I felt uncomfortable roaming through their personal things. Things went fine at Willow and Tara's place. I waited in the living room while Dawn packed a bag for Willow. From there we headed to Anya's place. While Dawn was packing her some clothes I headed into the bathroom to get the stuff on her list. She had been very precise on what she needed and we were trying to hurry because it was almost sunrise by then. I reached into her medicine cabinet to get some things. As I swung the door closed I glanced into the mirror. Only seeing the room behind me. I wasn't there. I reached my hand up and ran it over the cold glass.

"You are nothing. See there is only empty space where you are. They don't see you either. No one sees you. That's why Buffy left. To be with someone good enough for her."

The pressure of the night finally hit me. The fear of losing them. The family I had just realized I had. I stared into the room that didn't show me existing. I drew back my fist and made contact with the mirror.

"Quit your bloody lies. I am somebody." I shouted as the mirror shattered into a thousand pieces and then the cabinet fell from the wall. I stared down at my bleeding hand with the shards of glass dotting it.

"Spike, are you okay?" Dawn stood in the doorway looking at me. When she saw the mess I had made her eyes opened wide. "Anya is going to be so mad." She sort of laughed until she saw my hand. I stared at her with vacant eyes. I was feeling overwhelmed at all that had happened and all I could think of that I wanted was to curl up next to Buffy. But she wasn't here for me. She wasn't coming back.

Dawn walked up to me and took me by the arm. She led me into the dining room and made me sit down. The things that I had collected were taken from me and put in the pile with the clothes she had gotten together. She sat across me so she could pick the glass from my hand. I watched her with detachment as the pieces were pulled from me. When she had gotten the last piece she took me over to the sink to wash the blood away. More blood. It just never seemed to go away. It would never go away. I closed my eyes as the tears began to fall.

Dawn reached out and hugged me. Her arms tight around me as she rocked me in an effort to comfort me. I put my hand on the back of her head then laid my head on the top of hers. It felt so good just to have someone hold me. With no motive other than to take care of me. No complications.

"Dawn."

"Yeah?"

She pulled back to look up at me. My shaking hand reached out to touch her face. Her skin soft beneath mine.

"That night in the Bronze when you introduced me as your brother. I just want you to know that in my heart that you are my sister."

"I know." Then she smiled up at me. It was going to be okay. No matter what happened in the end it would turn out okay. "Come on. We need to hurry before the sun gets up."

She put Anya's stuff into a bag and we hurried out to the car. We got back to the house just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. I took the bags upstairs and put them just inside their doors. Then went back downstairs to collapse on the couch. Dawn had pulled the curtains shut so the sun wouldn't get to me. . As I lay down she covered me with a blanket softly kissing me on the cheek.

"Good night, Spike."

Soon it was all gone and I was sound asleep. She was there when I went to sleep and she was there when I woke up. Because the next thing I knew Dawn was gently shaking my shoulder rousing me into wakefulness. I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the coffee table beside me.

"Hi." She reminded me of a mother that was patiently trying to wake their child for school. In her hand was a cup of blood for me. I could smell its scent drifting toward me. It called out to me. Letting me know that I needed it. That I couldn't survive without it. The only thing in my mind though was all the blood that covered the floor of the store last night. Their blood. All I wanted to do was refuse it. I could live without it for awhile so I looked away from it.

"We need you to be strong." Dawn laid a hand on my arm. Somehow she knew where my head was. I forced myself to sit up and take the cup from her. Then without taking the time to think about it I downed it one long continuous gulp. Then I waited for her approval. This came in the form of another smile.

"What's going on?" I asked because I knew they had all been up and doing things while I slept.
She told me that Willow and Anya were at the hospital. Tara would be released tomorrow. They wanted to watch her one more day. Xander was awake and doing okay. He was pissed because he wouldn't be able to work for a couple of months. Giles was on his way back to pick the two of us up to go visit.

"And Buffy?"

"She can't be bothered. Giles has talked to her but as far as I know she isn't coming back until the end of the week. Just like nothing had happened."

Dawn was upset with her again. But I couldn't excuse Buffy this time. I needed her too and she wasn't here. She was off with her dream come true and couldn't be bothered with those of us here. The discarded ones. A part of me whispered that I was assuming things again and that I should talk to Giles first. Find out what they had talked about. But I was too hurt and angry to care what her excuses were. As far as I was concerned she should have been on the first plane back.

"Hello."

Dawn and I turned to look at Giles as he walked into the room. He was showing the strain of the last twenty-four hours himself. His hair was sticking up in tufts in places from where he had been running his hand through it.

"I hope you don't mind, Spike, I stopped by your house and picked you up some clothes." He gestured toward a bag that he was carrying.

"Thanks. I will be glad to get out of these things." I told him while pulling at the top of the scrubs that I was still wearing. "I'm going to go and take a shower. Put some clothes on."

"All right. I told Anya and Willow that we would be back to the hospital in time to take them to get some dinner." He had been with them all day. Probably going from one room to the other taking care of them. And now he was exhausted.

"Do you want me to handle things tonight and let you get some rest?" I offered to give the guy a break since they had let me sleep all day.

"No. No. I want to be there."

After I had cleaned up we went to the hospital to visit. A quick stop in the gift shop produced flowers for Tara and junk food for Xander. Like what the hell were we going to get him in a hospital gift shop? But it was to show him that we hadn't forgotten him.

They were both in pretty good spirits considering how much they had gone through. Both thanked me for what I had done and I let them know that it wasn't necessary. I did what I had to do. There was no thought into it. They had been hurt and I wanted to make it go away.

We cajoled Willow and Anya down to the cafeteria for them to get something to eat. The nurses were grateful anyway because it was that time for them to check everything and dispense medication. We stayed at the hospital until they kicked us out. Everybody ended up back at Giles's house again. No one really wanted to be alone. Except for me.

Once everyone had settled in for the night I excused myself to head for home. I really needed some privacy. Giles stopped me on the way out.

"Are you doing okay?" He asked me while searching my face for a sign of what was troubling me.

"Yeah, I am fine. I just thought…Forget it's nothing." It was the whole Buffy thing the more time that went by without her the angrier I got.

"No, tell me. Maybe I can help you out." Giles was a good man but he loved Buffy like a daughter. No matter how much he liked me he would always defend her first. I could understand it. And it was something that I admired about him. Loyal to the end.

"Giles, it's my problem and I'll handle it. Okay?"

The phone started to ring saving me from answering any more questions. I waved to him and turned to leave. As I opened the door he called out my name and I turned back to see what he needed.

"Never mind, I'll talk to you later." He told me then returned to his phone call. As I walked out the door I heard him saying something about being sure of waiting. But I didn't try to figure out what he was talking about. My mind was already somewhere else. On a little blond Slayer that was tearing me apart. I decided then it was over. The game was minus one player. Let her go and do what she wanted I wasn't going to wait anymore.

And it was time to celebrate my decision. A bottle of whiskey would be my companion tonight. Let myself get totally and completely wasted. Then tomorrow I would start my new life. Right outside of the liquor store I took my first drink straight from the bottle. And then headed home to finish my party alone.