Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you its only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid waking
That never takes a chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

There was not a part of my body that didn't ache from exhaustion. It was an effort to keep the wheel of the Desoto on the road. I hadn't slept since Giles called me yesterday. The first thing that I thought of when he said there had been an accident was Spike and that I hadn't been there to protect him. Somehow his words had penetrated and I understood that it was Tara and Xander. Then another set of guilt took hold. Spike could handle himself. They couldn't. It was my job to protect. It was who I was. And I was off in another state trying to hide from that fact when they needed me.

The news had done a double whammy on me. First I realized how much I wanted to be with Spike. And that I was an idiot for wanting to be anywhere than at home with them. Actually three because when I realized how careless I had been with Spike's heart a pain like nothing I had ever felt ripped through me. Richard almost had to call an ambulance for me as I became more and more hysterical from my epiphany. I was hyperventilating from crying so hard and my stomach went into revolt. The poor guy had to watch me fall apart over someone else. And the fact that I was hurting him only made me worse.

They finally gave me a drink of bourbon to help me calm down. I tried to sleep but all I could do was toss and turn. Finally as morning came the first thing I did was call Giles. Told him that I was going to make arrangements to come home as soon as possible. But that was easier said than done. It seemed like everybody in fucking Dallas was trying to get to California. I ended up taking a flight into San Diego where I had to transfer planes. Finally after what seemed forever I got to Sunnydale. When I called Giles to tell him I was in town he had called out to Spike to wait. But I told him not to tell him I was there. I wanted him to be surprised when he saw me.

After going home briefly to shower and change I headed for the hospital to see my friends. They didn't want to let me in since it was after visiting hours. I lied saying that I was their sister and had just come in from out of town to see them. That I just wanted to peek in on them and then I would leave them alone. My plane tickets helped and I got a few minutes with each of them. Tara was sleeping and I didn't disturb her. But really all I wanted to know was that she was okay. I left her a note saying that I had been there and would be back in the morning.

Xander was awake and restless as anything. He was flipping channels on the television. As soon as he saw me he held his arms out to me. I ran to him so glad to be home and that they were okay. He hugged me tightly telling me that he was happy that I was there. I started to cry again when he told me. I was still wanted even after what I had done. But when I told him that he told me in no uncertain terms that if I ever hurt Spike again he would kick my butt. I looked at him in surprise. His eyes were filled with admiration and affection for my vampire.

Giles was right. He was now a part of them. And they were a part of him. I was glad. He deserved the feeling of being a part of a family. Now he would never be just Buffy's boyfriend. Maybe some good had come out of my stupidity. Because I don't think they would have bonded as well if I had been with him all summer.

My last stop before going to him was Giles's house. He told me that everybody else was there. Willow and Anya welcomed me with open arms. Giles had held me in his gentle way welcoming me back. It was Dawn that gave me the trouble. She was angry with me for not getting back sooner and for hurting Spike. I was told about his incident with the mirror and that it was my fault that his self-esteem was so bad. She was told that, yeah, some of it was my fault but a lot of people had contributed to it before I ever got there. Then I told her I wasn't leaving the house until we had made up. And the longer that I sat there the longer it would be until I was with him. She was on her feet and pulling me up before I could even get the sentence out. I was told that I was loved and forgiven. My purse and keys were put into my hands as I was shoved out onto the porch. I ended up saying good night to the closed door.

As I drove to his house I could feel the tension all the way through me. From the exhaustion and fear of his reaction. Dawn had told me that he was hurt and angry with me. In a way I wanted to take back the last couple of months and that I had just brought him home with me from Los Angeles that night. But I also knew that if I hadn't done this then there would always be a part of me that would wonder about living a normal life. Now I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt where I belonged. With him. Loving him. Fighting beside him. Living with him.

There is a part of me that wishes he had claimed me that first night he saw me. When I was sixteen and still believed in happy endings. Then I could have loved him with a totally open and innocent heart. Of course I would be a vampire and we would be creating havoc all over the world. But in my fantasy he takes my virginity and turns me all in the same act. Then I would have been truly his in every sense of the word. Someday I will tell him about it. He'll like it and then we'll probably have to act it out. I giggled at the thought breaking some of my mood.

There are so many things that I need to tell him. Things he doesn't know about. Like the nights that I have cried myself to sleep thinking I would die without him. The daily phone calls to Giles to check on him to make sure he was doing okay. The times I have held a knife or a bottle and it is my memories of his calm presence that have given me the strength to resist. I don't think he understands how he truly saved me. If he hadn't returned when he did I probably would be the drunk and whore that he first thought I was. I had given up hope and hated myself so much. It was his love that saved me.

I pulled the car into the drive cutting the lights before he could spot them. He would hear the car but I hoped that he would think it was just someone turning around. I had to take several deep breaths to have the courage to do this. Not that I doubted what I was doing. I was surer of this than anything I had ever done. But to face the hurt I had caused.

From the trunk of the car I picked up my suitcase and overnight bag. And forced myself to move toward the house. It was quiet as I moved through the house looking for him. Outside of his bedroom I put my stuff down. It is times like that that I miss him breathing. The comforting rumble of air moving through his chest would let me know where he was. I think of what it would be like to lay my head on his chest and be able to listen to a heartbeat beneath my ear. The gentle rise and fall of his body. But it is something that hasn't been since I have known him and it will never be there.

I stand in the doorway of his bedroom and spot him sleeping. He is stretched on his back a blanket low on his belly. He is beautiful in the moonlight. Pale and solid like the finest marble. He is striking in his slumber like a stone. My stone. My rock.

The past two years he has always been the one solid connection in my life. Always there. Always trying to take care of me and my own. I am glad that he is part of them now. He deserves so much love. And I pray that I am up to the task. That somehow I won't disappoint him again like I have done in the past.

As I took the first step into his room I accidentally kicked an empty whisky bottle. It slid across the floor and bumped into the corner of the dresser. I winced at the noise and my eyes darted quickly to see if he had heard. I froze as his eyes flickered open and he saw me. They widen in hope then quickly closed in pain.

"Buffy, quit fucking haunting me. Please just leave me be."

He must think that I'm not real. A hallucination brought on from his drinking. The real me wouldn't be wearing his duster. To him it had gone to the dump with someone's garbage. The night he thought I had given myself to someone else. I had watched from the window as he threw it away. But I rescued his prize possession. I knew that one day it would hurt him that it was gone. And I wanted to keep it safe for him. And the only time I truly felt safe away from him was when I was wearing it.

I start to pull the clothes from my body while watching him. He moved to his side covering his eyes with his hands. Once I was nude I crawled into bed beside him. Curled onto my side in front of him I gently pulled his hands from his face.

"I'm here. It's going to be okay." I whispered to him holding his hands. He stared at me in disbelief pulling a hand free to touch my face. His eyes shuttered in fear.

"You can't be real. My Buffy doesn't want me. You can't be real." He started to say that over and over again.

But his hand kept touching me. It moved down my body while his eyes held mine. He cupped my breast running his thumb over my nipple. Then changed motions to squeeze at the mound then returned to squeezing and gently pinching the nipple again. It has been so long since he has touched me. I moved closer to him pressing my lips to his. He tastes of whiskey, cigarettes and the taste that is uniquely him. He takes to my mouth like a starving man. His tongue plunged into my mouth unlike his usual gentle request. He ravished my mouth and I couldn't keep up with the intensity of his probing.

I moved yet closer to him draping my leg over his hip. His hardened cock now lies against me. I stir restlessly against it as I began to burn from the desire for him. My fingernails tear into his flesh as I feel myself trying to keep up with his need. I forced myself to relax that even drunk he would never hurt me. I start to close my mouth. My teeth slowly came down on his tongue trying to force him out of my mouth because I need to breathe. As he breaks contact I throw my head back gulping in great quantities of oxygen.

His hand has found a place between my legs. Separating me. Seeking. His mouth had moved on to my neck. His teeth nipped at my flesh. Then his tongue licked at what he bit. Gentle and then rough. Over and over. While his hand continues to prod and plunge into my cunt.

Those words. Cunt. Cock. Fuck. Cum. I could never say them when we were first together. There were so many things I didn't know. But I became his eager pupil as he took me to places that I didn't even know existed. How to truly give and take pleasure without embarrassment. No matter what we have done he has never shamed or degraded me. I trust him now with my body. It is his to do as he wishes. No matter where he leads it will only lead to a greater sense of pleasure for the both of us.

I started to gyrate against his hand that is now coated with my wetness. My body eager for his touch was flowing out of control. The heady musk was like a cloud around us. His hand slips away to cup my ass. His mouth has moved down to my breasts. There is so much heat coming from me. I try to arch closer to the coolness of his flesh. But he holds me down as he assaults my breast with his tongue. He circles the entire globe with his tongue. With each rotation he closes in on my nipple. His other hand has moved up to fondle the neglected one. I moan and quiver beneath his ministrations. I want him now and begin to rotate my hips against his cock. But he isn't done with me yet.

He pulls away from me pushing me into the mattress. Then he moves over me coming to rest between my legs. He started to kiss my belly progressing slowly downwards until his face is buried against me. Soft kisses against my outer lips. Then he gave a quick lick from bottom to top before he separated them with his tongue. He knows how to take me to the heights of euphoria with his touches. I reached down to bury my fingers in his hair. Pulled him closer to me. He joked once that if he were human he would have suffocated from my demands. It doesn't take long before I scream out his name as I cum around him. He moved back over me holding himself on his hands above me. I couldn't stand it and reached up for him to bring him down to kiss him. A smile crossed his lips as I reached my tongue out to trace his lips to taste myself on him. This is something that pleases him.

He was resting against my entrance and I reached down between us to guide him to me. I hold him until his tip is buried inside of me. Then my hands moved to rest on his sides. I opened my legs more to give him better access. He plunges into me without hesitation filling me completely. I gasp and arch up toward him. He stretches me like no one else has. He hesitated as I adjusted to having him back inside of me. Then began to move building power with each thrust. I drew him down to rest on me as my arms encircled him. Then pulled my legs up to wrap around him with my feet resting on his butt.

I can only hold on as he forcefully pounds into me. It is not done cruelly or thoughtlessly this relentless fucking. It has been so long and his next words let me knows that he still doesn't think that I am really here. He muttered into my neck without losing momentum.

"How pathetic I have become. Humping my damn bed trying to get an hallucination off."

Tears began to fall down my face as I face what I have driven him to. I start to caress him softly whispering in his ear how much I love him. That I will never go away again. I tell him that I need him always. As I speak to him he changes rhythm to a slow grind. He knows this will get me off with no other simulation. And as I do I squeeze him from inside as he brings me to another orgasm.

As soon as I am done he rolls off of me. He laughed that at least he was able to get his dream off. His hand wrapped around himself and begins to stroke his still hardened flesh. I turned toward him removing his hand and replacing it with my mouth. The time for the slow tease is over and I began to suck and move over him to bring him to fulfillment. His hand wrapped in my hair and he began to thrust upwards. I take as much of him in as I can while my hands try to hold his hips down. But it only takes a couple of moments before he cums into my mouth. He won't let me move until he is done. But he is mine. And it doesn't matter as I swallow his essence down.

Then he releases me and rolls over to face the wall. I told him that I love him and everything is fine. But he shouted at me to shut up and leave him alone to let him sleep in peace. To please just let him sleep without me haunting him. A pillow is pulled over his head and he holds it into place. His face buried into the wall. I lay down behind him and he scoots closer to the wall. I waited until he was asleep again and took the pillow from over his head. It was put back under his head and then I moved to share it with him. My hand rested on his side.

My last thought before I went to sleep was that I was blessed to be his.