Nothing ever grows in this rotting old hole.
And everything is stunted and lost.
And nothing really rocks
And nothing really rolls
And nothing's ever worth the cost.
Well, I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I wanna be damned with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
dancing through the night with you.
Meatloaf (Jim Steinman)
Buffy unhooked her legs from around my waist and slid to the ground. As her
feet touched bottom I could almost hear everything we had built together in
the last few days shatter. The depression wrapped around her again like a fog.
She moved so that she was standing beside me and reached out to hold my hand.
I gave it a squeeze to let her know that I was right there with her.
"Buffy, can we talk? Alone." Angel looked briefly at me and then looked away quickly. Like he dismissed me completely. As if I wasn't even worth his time. All I wanted was to get Buffy away from him.
"What about?" She just kept looking at him with a funny expression on her face. It took me a moment to realize that it was guilt. I snorted at the thought that she had anything to be guilty about. They both turned at the sound to look at me.
"Come on, Buffy, let's go. You don't need to talk to him." I attempted to walk off with Buffy in tow. Angel reached out and took a hold of her free arm.
"I just want to talk. I was told that you were in trouble and needed help." He had this all-concerned-ex-boyfriend-but-still-care-about-you look on his face.
"Angel, it's 2:30 in the morning. You couldn't find a better time to talk to me." Buffy wasn't too impressed with the fact that he thought he could save her. She pulled her arm free from his grasp and took a step away from him.
"Well, you weren't home earlier. Found you here and waited." He shrugged his shoulders in this innocent way. He kept looking over at me as if he was waiting for something. I wish I knew what exactly he was up to. It couldn't be good whatever it was.
"And you couldn't walk in and say Hi like a normal person?" I snickered as Buffy kept throwing it back in his face.
"You seemed busy." Angel folded his hands in front of him.
"Yeah, she was busy. Having fun with someone who can satisfy her."
Angel turned to me and I could tell he was fighting to keep his game face in control. I guess my words had found their mark. Then I heard someone laughing and turned to find Buffy holding her middle as she giggled.
"Liked that one didn't you pet?" Then I turned back to Angel. "Guess the lady agrees with me. Now, Peaches, why don't you take yourself back to LA like a good boy. And leave Buffy to a real man."
I turned to start walking away confident that she would follow.
"Spike, watch out." Buffy yelled out a warning to me.
I turned quickly toward the alley and saw Xander coming at me with a stake. He was running like the hounds of hell were chasing him. I bent down as he got close and flipped him over my shoulder. He landed on the ground and rolled a few feet away. The pain ripped through my head and I fell to my knees. Buffy ran to me and helped me back to my feet. She then positioned herself between them and me. We both knew that I didn't have a lot of chance against Xander. Not with the chip in my head.
"What are you trying to do?" Her voice was so cold and calm but her whole body was trembling in anger. I took a step forward and put a hand on her waist. She took a deep breath and leaned back against me.
"Taking care of your problem." Xander gestured toward me. "You'd be better off without him around."
"He's not my problem. You are." Then she turned to Angel. "You came all the way here to kill Spike? When did my life become your concern?"
Xander kept trying to edge around her and we kept maneuvering out of his way. Angel reached his hand out to Xander to keep him still.
"Buffy, I came here to talk to you. Xander explained to me what's been going on. I think you need some help."
I really wanted to punch him. No, actually I wanted to stake him. For a hundred years I had been putting up with his arrogant bullshit. It was time for it to stop and I wanted to be the one to do it.
"Xander, you called Angel for help?" She asked him clearly in disbelief.
"Buffy, you're not seeing things clearly right now. Spike has somehow got your head turned around." Xander had put down his hand with the stake and I could feel Buffy relaxing a little.
I tried to start backing up but she wasn't moving.
"Neither one of you have any right to tell me what to do!" She told the two of them with tears in her voice.
"Buffy, let's get out of here." I tried pulling on her hand but that didn't work either. She was staying for whatever reason. Her sobbing was becoming louder.
Angel reached out a hand to her. I hoped she would reject him but she let him run the back of his hand down her cheek.
"Let's go somewhere and we can talk. Okay? You know I just want to help."
Buffy sniffled at Angel's words but took a step back further into my arms. Relief poured through me as she did. She wasn't going to fall for his tricks. Suddenly he grabbed her and pulled her away from me. We were both startled for a moment as he separated us. Xander came toward me again with the stake raised. But before he could get a step closer someone grabbed him and pulled him away from me. All I could hear was Buffy screaming the word no. I looked around at her and found her struggling against Angel. I started to go to her but he suddenly just released her.
She flew at me wrapping her arms around me. I looked up to see who was helping us and saw Giles standing next to Angel. When Buffy realized who was there she turned again standing in front of me.
"Are you here to kill Spike too?" Her eyes glared hatred at the three men who had always been so important to her.
The three of them started to talk at once but Giles took precedence.
"No, Buffy, I didn't come here to kill Spike. Cordelia called me about the their plan and it took me a while to track you down. Are you okay?" Giles took a step toward us then as we tensed he stopped.
"Cordelia called you?" Angel asked Giles.
"Yes, she did. What the hell were you two thinking?"
Xander and Angel looked like two little boys who were caught by Daddy doing something bad. Giles reached out and took the stake away from Xander.
"Giles, why are you protecting him? He's an evil soulless thing and Buffy, not to mention, the world would be better off without him in it." Xander tried to defend his position.
"Yeah, like your some kind of damn prize. At least I'm here for my woman." At the reference to him leaving Anya he had the good sense to look ashamed.
"She's not your woman. You're not good enough for her. It's only because of the chip that you're not out killing people." He turned his gaze from me to her. "Buffy, did you forget that? Do you really think if he was free from his leash that he wouldn't be trying to hurt you?"
Buffy put her hands over her ears to shut out the sound of his voice. She was crying so much she was having trouble breathing.
"Stop it. Stop it. I don't care. Do you hear me? I don't care. He's the only thing that makes life bearable." Somehow she managed to get the words out around her sobs and hiccups.
Suddenly a small sedan pulled up next to us. Tara and Willow came running from the car. Having to face all of her friends at one time was too much for Buffy.
"No, why can't you all leave me alone. All of you. I hate you." Buffy started to scream at them. She was on the brink of total hysteria.
Willow and Tara stopped next to Giles. It seemed we were surrounded and if they banded together I would never make it out of this alley alive.
"Buffy, I'm not here to fight you. Cordy called us too. We just came to help you." Willow tried to calm Buffy down.
As much as I hated to admit it I realized that they were all genuinely worried about her. Didn't have a clue how to help her though. Their actions had destroyed whatever headway had been made earlier. And had sent her running out of control for the edge.
"Help me. Haven't you helped me enough? It was over. I didn't hurt anymore. Now all I feel is pain. And they…" She threw her hand out to encompass Xander and Angel. "They want to take away the one thing that makes me feel good."
Her last few words were almost lost in the sound of her crying. Her knees buckled out from under her and she fell to the ground. I knelt beside her everything else became unimportant in my fear for her. She didn't even try to get back up. Her face lay on the dirty ground with her tears creating a pool around her. My own tears had started to fall in frustration and rage. Reaching below her I picked her up and cradled her against me.
Xander and Angel started forward as if to take her away from me. Giles' arm came up to stop them.
"Spike, let us give you two a ride home."
I looked over at Tara as she made the offer. Her eyes showed nothing but concern for Buffy. I nodded my assent and started for the car. Willow crawled into the backseat and with her help I got Buffy into the car. As soon as she was in she collapsed sobbing against her friend. Shutting the door I took the keys from Tara's hand and opened the front passenger door for her. After she was in I started around the back of the car when Giles placed his hand on my arm. I looked over at him.
"Spike, I don't know why she is clinging to you. I don't like it either but it seems for now we have to live with it. But do anything to hurt her and you will pay." Giles informed me in his best father voice.
I opened my mouth to give one of my usual smartass answers but I all I could see in his eyes was his love for Buffy and just nodded my head instead.
The only sound on the way back to the crypt was Buffy crying. My heart was breaking from the sound of it. It was almost like she was broken or something. I saw Willow's eyes in the rearview mirror and could see my emotions reflected in her eyes. Confusion, helplessness and a big helping of what-the-hell-do-I do-now.
Buffy had calmed down a little by the time we got back and walked with the girls to the crypt while I parked the car. When I got inside the three of them were downstairs. After pouring myself a healthy glass of whiskey I sat on the chair and waited. And listened.
At first the conversation was just nonsense. They were helping Buffy get changed into pajamas. She didn't try to tell them she only slept in my t-shirts now. Then they talked about her belly button piercing. And then it was how Cordelia had called Tara to find Willow and they had been looking for us before anything bad happened. Which started Buffy crying again.
"Why did they do it? Why can't they leave us alone?" Buffy asked them.
"Buffy, Xander loves you. He just has this thing with Spike that he just can't accept him." Willow told her. After a brief pause came the questions. "Are you happy here with him? Do you love him?"
"He makes everything better. When I'm with him nothing else matters." But there were no words of love or happiness. I took a long swallow of my drink and waited. Even though my hurt was getting worse by the moment.
Buffy was sobbing again and her words came out in jumbles. She just started saying over and over that she had loved Angel and he had hurt her. Was still hurting her. My glass shattered in my hand as I squeezed it in my anger. Angel. It was always Angel. Angel that Drusilla preferred. Angel that always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. Angel that had been Buffy's first love. Angel that had taken her virginity. I was always coming in second to him. I couldn't take it anymore and left to take a walk. I walked in circles around the cemetery trying to calm down. Kept telling myself that Buffy was there with me now. That I could love her more than Angel could ever dream of. And that one day she would love me in return. That love was already there every time we touched. Every time I was inside of her.
The crypt was quiet when I returned. No sounds of crying or talking. Moving downstairs I found them asleep. All three of them curled up on my bed with Buffy nestled between them. Reaching for the comforter I covered them up with it and left to go back upstairs. I made myself a bed on the sarcophagus even though I knew I wouldn't sleep that night. Lying there I smoked one cigarette after another. The last few days running through my mind over and over. A soft movement made me look over. It was Buffy coming to me. Without a word she crawled up to lay on me and began to rain kisses on my face and neck. I quickly ground out the cigarette and let it fall to the ground. Putting my arms around her I pulled her closer to me. She reached up to cup my face.
"Spike, I need you so much. Without you I can't feel anything. Maybe that's not enough but it's all I can offer right now." Her eyes were large in her face. There were no games there and no lies. She bent her head and resumed kissing me. Moving slowly down to my chest and stomach. Her words weren't what I wanted to hear. But it was a beginning and I grabbed onto it. And as her small mouth took me in it was enough.
