Nights in white satin,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.
Moody Blues

One of them must have slipped coming up the ladder. There was a muffled ouch followed by a shush and then giggles. I propped myself up on my hand and waited until they were almost to the door.

"Do you two always crawl out of a gent's bed and sneak away at dawn?"

The look on their faces was priceless. A blush started to stain Tara's cheek and Willow's mouth opened and closed a few times. Then both their eyes widened as they saw that the sheet was barely covering me. I knew it wasn't because I turned them on it was just because they had never seen me in such a state of undress. Especially with Buffy lying next to me. Not being able to help myself I chuckled at their discomfiture.

"Spike, we didn't know you were awake." Willow told me as she looked over my head.

"We're sorry. We... we didn't want to disturb you." Tara offered in a way of covering up their nonexistent rudeness.

"Sorry, just wanted to tease you a bit." They both looked really uncomfortable and I wanted to give them an out.

"Besides I think it would be my bed they would be crawling out of instead of yours." Buffy sat up behind me clutching the sheet to her. She moved her tousled hair out of her face and smiled at her friends. Willow and Tara stayed put but kept glancing toward the door and each other.

"Wait just a minute." Buffy told her friends then dove under the covers coming out dressed in her pajamas again. She slid out the other side leaving me the dignity of staying covered.

"I'm going to walk them out, okay?" Bending down she kissed me on the cheek. Then turned to leave with the girls.

When they were gone I grabbed the blankets and headed to the lower level. As the blankets were tossed into the pile of dirty laundry my clothes from last night fell onto the floor. The clothes she had bought me so I could take her to have fun. I walked over and picked them up. Running my hands over the cool silk and leather. They had meant so much to me at the time. A promise of a first date with Buffy. And the hope and expectations had been so efficiently destroyed by Angel and Xander. Reaching up I wiped tears from my cheeks. For the first time in forever things had been going the way I wanted and now it was gone. I turned and threw them in the trash basket in the corner. Those clothes would only bring bad memories from now on.

"You don't want them anymore?" Her inquiry came softly.

"Not that love. Bad vibes now."

"Oh." She stepped further into the room and started to help me strip the sheets from the bed. In silence we put clean sheets on. As we threw the comforter over the top I turned to sit. Burying my head in my hands.

"Didn't last night after…didn't it make the bad stuff go away?" She sounded so much like a child that I turned to look at her. The look in her eyes showed someone lost and frightened. She kneeled on the bed and crawled toward me coming to sit with a leg on either side of me. Her arms wrapped around my waist.

"Do you want me to make it go away some more?"

There were gentle kisses on my back. Her hands moved across my stomach and down to my crotch. Her hands wrapped around me. Yes, this always made the bad stuff go away, was what I wanted to tell her. But I stayed silent as she administered to me. Just like I had done last night. It just that it wasn't working this time. I reached down and removed her hands. Standing up I looked down at her.

"Buffy can you just forget everything that happened last night? We just can't keep pushing everything aside by having sex. We need to talk." I couldn't believe I had just said that. But there was still the poet in me. William who still wanted to be loved. Spike that wanted to be accepted as man and demon. I wanted more than just to fuck I wanted to make love to her. I wanted all of her.

"I don't want to talk. If that's what I wanted I'd go to the counselor they tried to push me to see." She crossed her arms over her chest and stared back at me.

"But Buffy a lot things have happened since I've been back. Maybe we should just…" As I was searching for the right words she cut me off.

"You were off with psycho. You came back. I'm living here. You can hurt me but not anyone else. Therefore that is one more thing that says I'm fucked up. We had sex. We had fun. Xander and Angel tried to kill you. Does that cover everything?" She came to stand in front of me in the middle of this speech.

"Buffy."

"Quit Buffying me. I told you last night I need you to feel. Doesn't mean I want to get all-emotional with you. You are still a soulless vampire. Therefore there is no future. No matter how much fun we had last night. Or how good the sex is." With each word her voice was getting colder. And my heart was breaking a little more. How could she stand there and just tear everything apart? Especially after her words last night. I still had my pride though. Not much but some. I turned and moved off to take a shower. Just left her standing there. There was no way I was going to break down in front of her.

"Don't try to love me. You'll only get hurt." She was trying to sound mean and hateful. And she was doing a damn good job of it.

"Too late for that." And I just kept on walking without explaining what it was too late for. The love or the hurt. Or both.

We didn't talk for a good part of the day. Which was fine with me. Buffy had changed. More than I was willing to admit at first. There was a hard edge of desperation around her. She had to be feeling angry about last night. The betrayal from them had to have hurt her. She just seemed to push it behind a door inside of her mind somewhere. Somewhere where she didn't have to deal with it. And it wasn't appreciated that I was trying to open that door. So, I left her alone. Stayed upstairs and did my stuff while she stayed downstairs.

Sometime late in the afternoon I heard a cell phone ring. Curious I made my way toward the sound. Buffy was talking to someone. Arnie apparently. She told him that she would be into work at eight that night. Then I heard her make her way to the house. Presumably to take a shower. I stayed where I was. After a while she made her way upstairs. Without looking at her I asked her about the phone.

"I got one so Giles could get a hold of me if there was something wrong with Dawn. Only a couple of people have the number." She explained to me. "Are you going to give me a ride or do I walk?"

I finally looked over at her. White hot anger tore through me.

"Like hell you're going anywhere like that. You look like a fucking hooker." Before when she had gone to work she had looked good. Sexy. But never like trash. Tonight she did. Her black shorts barely covered anything. They rode high on her hips with the bottom of her cheeks hanging out. The front dipped almost all the down to her curls. Her legs were covered in black thigh high stockings and her tits were barely covered in a baby blue bikini top.

"It's Monday. You have to work harder for the tips than on the weekends." She dismissed my comments like I was stupid or something.

"Why don't you just find a corner and make money that way? With your looks you'd make a fortune. Before you get all used up and everything sags." My words were cruel but the jealousy was twisting through me. That body was mine and I sure as hell didn't want anyone else looking at that much of it.

"Are they sagging? You said one time that maybe they weren't as high. What do you think now that you've touched them?" She moved her hands up her belly to cup her breasts. She walked over to me and placed a leg on one side of me coming down to rest on her knee. Moved her hands so they were on either side of my head. "Well?"

I looked up at her and moved my hand to flip up one side of her top. I cupped her breast in my hand caressing the nipple with my thumb. But she wasn't done yet.

"Would you like me to find a corner? Would you like to watch me be with someone else? Or maybe I could bring Mitzi home with me tonight. She can't stop talking about how sexy you are." She leaned down and kissed my forehead. I pulled her top back down over her breast. Moving my hand upwards until I was holding her by the back of the neck. I pulled her down to me for a kiss. When we broke apart a few moments later I told her that I wouldn't share. Or be shared. That as long as she was with me it was going to be just us. And to never bring it up again.

I knew that she wasn't serious. She was playing the bad ass again. Her emotions were all jumbled up and she was hiding from them. But I didn't like these games she played. Because if you play a game long enough they became reality. And she had no clue what could happen. She had heard second hand about some things. But never from personal experience. Not even the morning after Parker gave her a inkling about how dirty you can feel. How emotionally hurtful sex could be. And I never wanted her to know.

She was standing in front of me waiting. I sighed and stood up. Didn't have much of a choice but to take her to work dressed like a harlot. At least she was the Slayer and could protect herself. Didn't really make me feel better. After I had dropped her off I really just wanted to take a ride. To clear my head. To try to rid my mind of Buffy even if for just a little while. But something was telling me to head back to the crypt. Glad that I did. Dawn was waiting for me. She had snuck away from Giles.
"Spike, I had to see if you and Buffy were okay?" She offered as the reason for her behavior.

"I won't be if Giles finds you here."

She sighed and sat back on the couch.

"I'm tired of being treated like a baby. I'm not. I'm sixteen." She started off but I stopped her telling her I knew the song. To sing it to someone else.

"I heard Giles talking to Xander and Angel last night. They came back to the house after everything. He told them never to come near the two of you or they would answer to him. So, you guys are safe now." She told me in an effort to reassure me. I smiled at her.

"Thanks, Niblet, I feel positively safe now." My bad mood was being directed at her and it wasn't really fair.

"Fine, sorry that I care." She stood and as dramatically as she could headed for the door.

"Come back. It's been a bitch of a day."

"Buffy?" She asked from my side. "Is she giving you a hard time too?"

"Has she ever given me anything else?"

We both laughed at that. It was true. From day one Buffy had tormented me. Making me miserable one way or another. Dawn moved to sit again.

"Is she okay? Giles said she was really upset last night." Her concern was evident in her words and tone.

I reached a hand out and took hers.

"Yeah, she's doing okay. It really hurt her. Hell, they tried to kill me."

"But they don't mean anything to you. They do to Buffy." Dawn was dismissing my feelings of betrayal. I wasn't sure why I was feeling that. Angel and Xander didn't mean anything to me other than they mattered to Buffy.

"How's her drinking?"

I looked quizzingly at her. Buffy had a few drinks here and there. Definitely more than she had before. But it didn't seem like a problem. Dawn read my face because she continued before I could say anything.

"After Giles moved in he found a few bottles she had hidden around the house. And one time I went to take a drink of her coke and almost choked to death."

It started me thinking of all the times that Buffy would pour a coke then go downstairs. Only to return a few minutes later. But why would she hide it from me? And how much was she drinking? I stood quickly.

"Time to take you home."

She protested at first but gave in when she saw I wasn't going to change my mind. When we pulled in the drive Giles was heading for his car. He walked over to us and waited while Dawn got off the bike. She bent down and kissed my cheek. Then whispered in my ear to take care of Buffy. To protect her. Then without saying anything to Giles headed back into the house.

"Don't be too hard on her. She was only checking on Buffy and me." I tried to cover for her. Maybe she wouldn't get in as much trouble.

"I know, Spike." He sighed. "Thank you for bringing her home."

He started to turn to leave but hesitated and looked back at me.

"I know she's safe if she's with you." Then he walked into the house. Leaving me staring after him in stunned silence. Where had that come from? But it made me feel good. And it gave me more resolve to do what I needed to do. I backed the bike up and headed for home. It was time for Buffy to get a wake up call. And I was going to make sure she got it.