I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
illusion never changed
into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
you're a little late
I'm already torn
Natalie Imbruglia

I had a few hours before I had to go and pick Buffy up. Every inch of the crypt, the bedroom, tunnels and caretaker's house was searched in that time. Four bottles in all were hidden. Two whiskey, two vodka. One of each unopened. Tucked away in the back of her knickers drawer was the surprise. A small sandwich bag holding one perfectly rolled joint. I wondered if she had ever smoked it before or if this was going to be an experiment. Because it was just the one joint and not a bag. But that wasn't the point tonight so I just tossed it in the pile with the other stuff. The only other thing I found was a pack of stale cigarettes. She had been smoking mine since I had been back so that made sense. Once everything was gathered together I took it all back upstairs and laid it out on the sarcophagus.

It was still early but I went ahead and left for The Edge. I went in when I got there and sat at the bar. By now Arnie knew me from dropping off and picking up Buffy and he came over to say hello. We made small talk as the place started to close down. Then as the girls were cleaning up I started to help them again. Started talking to Mitzi. Flirted with her a little. Just to see Buffy's reaction. She just kept watching us. But wouldn't meet my eyes. Good let her stew a little bit in the words of her own folly.

Buffy finally came over to us and said she was ready to go. I nodded at her and told Mitzi good night. The ride home was quiet. My stomach was acting a little nervous about what I had planned so I didn't say much. Buffy just held on to me. Tonight she had scooted close to me with her arms around my middle. I didn't drop her off at the crypt like I usually do but took her with me to park the bike. Didn't want her to see until I was with her. When we were almost to the crypt I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. Long, slow and wet. I wasn't sure what her reaction would be and I wanted one taste. Especially if this was going to be the last time.

I let her walk in ahead of me. Took my duster off and threw it over the back of the couch. Needed freedom of movement. She started toward the frig like she did every night when she saw. Her face paled a little at the sight.

"Spike, what's going on?" She looked over at me. Her eyes wide showing her confusion and embarrassment.

"Why were you hiding it from me?" As I spoke I came to stand behind her. Taking my right arm over her right arm and resting my hand on her belly. And softly began to caress it.

"Because…" As she struggled for an excuse I brought my left arm around her and rested it against her chest. She relaxed against me. Leaning back into my embrace. Having no clue of what was about to happen.

"Because you forgot who you were living with. Didn't you?" A growl came deep from with me as I vamped out. My arms tightened around her my left hand pulling her head to the side as my mouth closed around her throat. She stiffened in my embrace and tried to pull away. But it was too late. I had her incapacitated. The demon in me screamed for me to do the deed. To take her. To feed from a human for the first time in a long time. But I didn't because this was my Buffy. My fangs gently scrapped against her skin and then I released her.

Buffy stumbled away from me. Her hand against her throat. The fear in her eyes was real.

"You son of a bitch." She turned and started running for the weapons trunk. I leaped over the couch and grabbed her. I threw her against the wall and put an arm on either side of her. I shook my face until the demon was gone.

She didn't try to move again. Her breathing was hard and it caressed my face with each exhale. I looked deep in her eyes wanting to drown there.

"Do you remember the night when you paid me to tell you how I killed the Slayers?" She nodded her head. "And I told you they had a death wish. You have something worse, Summers, you have complacency. You've forgotten who you are living with. I've become Spike, the pet dog. It's really funny you know. You and your friends never stopped to think why I was hanging around. Yeah, blame it all on the chip. But I was there because I wanted to be around you."

My hand went up to caress her cheek.

"I can still hurt demons therefore I can still lead them. Even with this chip I could still create terror. All I need is minions. Drusilla would kill for me. Bring me my meals. As a matter of fact she begged me to stay with her in Paris. But I didn't for you. Always for you."

My hand dropped to her shoulder. Moving my fingers against her skin. My eyes looked up to meet hers.

"You forgot that I am a vampire. A master vampire if you're into titles. I could have killed you a moment ago. And there was nothing you could have done."

She snorted at this and then laughed. Before she could move my hand was around her throat. Just gently squeezing no big pressure.

"Your heartbeat keeps me awake sometimes. The blood rushing through your veins calls to me to feed. To be what I was meant to be. And you lie there so innocently and so blindly. No defenses when you snore next to me. In the throes of passion my lips kiss what I so long to bite. And you don't even realize."

I dropped my hand from her throat and move down to place it over her heart. Feeling the rhythm of it. Faster than normal. I leaned forward and kissed her softly.

"You like having sex with me. It makes you feel, doesn't it?" She didn't answer me but tried to turn away and I gently pushed her back against the wall. "I could make you feel a lot things if you let me. Pain and pleasure. I could teach you things that you never even dreamed about. There is very little that I haven't done or have had done to me."

My hand moved to cup her breast. Massaging and kneading it. I gave a small laugh.

"You know how your first time is supposed to be so special. Before Drusilla I was this bumbling, pussy boy virgin. Then she turned me. My first time was bloody and violent. Angelus and Darla laughed at me. But I was a very quick learner."

My hand dropped to her waist and for a moment I buried my face against her shoulder. The memories were hard to deal with sometimes. After a moment I lifted my head and looked at her again.

"I learned all about sex from creatures of the night who were masters of depravity and torture. Chains, whips, blood, holy water. Pain was the price to be paid for pleasure. Not always. But you have to keep yourself amused."

She spoke for the first time. "Creatures? Plural?"

"Yes, Buffy, plural. Not just Drusilla. What did you think, baby, that when dawn broke Dru and I would go to one room. And Darla and Angelus would go to another. Some nights it was like that. If we were lucky. Some nights we stayed in the homes of people we killed. We had no souls, no conscious, and no morals. We traveled together for decades. Fought together. Tortured together. Fed together. And sometimes we fucked together. Bodies mingling together. And you forget and don't care where the hands go as long as they are touching. Mouths too."

Her eyes closed and she turned her head from me.

"Open your eyes, Buffy."

My hand grabbed her chin and forced her to turn my way. Her eyes opened the tears threatening to spill.

"The mouth that has kissed you. Has kissed me. The hands that have pleasured you. Have pleasured me."

"No." The one word filled with so much emotional pain. Then I kissed her hard. My tongue not requesting but demanding response. My arm wrapped around her. My hand bringing her forward against me. As I felt her start to respond I released her. And the tears started to fall.

"Don't make offers that you aren't ready to back up. Sexually you can't shock me. So, if you really want to bring Mitzi back one night. I'll let her into our bed. Let the two of you crawl all over me. Then as you watch I flip her on her back and fuck her brains out. Would you like to watch that? Me pounding into someone else. Someone else giving me what I only want from you. Then you can watch as I make her cum and as she is screaming my name I'll rip her throat from her."

Buffy's eyes opened wide. "The chip. You couldn't."

"Oh, but Buffy I could. Sometimes the pleasure of the bite is the most sexual thing of all." I reached up and gently traced the scar Angel had left on her. "You should know." I looked over to make sure her eyes were on me. "I'll even bet that you had one of the most intense orgasms of your life when Angel was draining the life blood from you. Even more intense then the night he popped your cherry."

She pushed at me. "You pig."

And I knew I was right. She knew I was right.

"So, Buffy." My hand caressed her face. Pushing her hair back behind her ear. "Don't tell me not to love you. It's the only thing keeping you alive."

I turned and left. Not bothering with the ladder I just took a leap to the lower level. I stripped my clothes from me on the way to the bed. After laying down I lit a cigarette. My hands were shaking so bad. I heard her start to cry. Horrible crying. Worse than the night before. But I didn't go to her to make it all better. She had to realize. So, I waited.

She moved quietly until she was standing next to the bed.

"Spike, do you not want me anymore?" The tears were still in her voice. Her hands were being wrung together as she asked. Somewhere she had gotten the idea that I was trying to scare her away. I wasn't. My thoughts were if she didn't have to hide in shame and guilt maybe she could face her problems head on.

I sat up and scooted to the edge. Turning her until she stood between my legs.

"I will always want you." I reached up and undid the bow holding her top together. She pulled it up and over her head. Throwing it onto the floor. Then reaching behind her I undid the zipper of her shorts. As I started to pull them down I stopped to kiss the skin right above her mound. Once she was naked except for the stockings I picked her up and laid her down on the bed. Spreading her legs I went to lie between them.

"Buffy, you can't forget who you are. Who I am. It's dangerous. Just know this. I will never judge you. My love is here unconditionally."

Her hand came up to caress my cheek.

"Everything is so confusing. I feel so lost. Like I don't belong anywhere."

'I know, baby. But I will always be your anchor. Just don't play games. Don't hide. I am not going to wag my finger at you and tell you how bad you are. Even you at your worst couldn't compare to what I have seen. Okay?"

She nodded at me. Then tremulously asked me.

"Do I satisfy you?"

Her question was so serious. I didn't answer her for a moment because I couldn't believe she was even asking.

"I know I'm not that experienced." She started to blush. "I mean I haven't tried a lot of stuff. But if you want to I'd be willing to learn."

She was lucky that I knew her as well as I did. Because the images that went through my mind would have had her running for the door. But from where she had been it was probably her on top or him on top. And that was about it for the wild life with Riley. And so far with me we hadn't done much more. Maybe it was time for her to learn a few things. And I sure as hell was willing to teach her. And right now wouldn't be a bad time to start. I smiled at her and came down to kiss her.

Evil is such a seductress. Sometimes you don't even see her coming. And that night she snuck right in there with us. Even with the best of intentions on my part she had become a welcome guest in our home.