Chapter 12 – Even When I’m Sleeping
You’re everywhere
And if they take me flying on the magic carpet
See me wave
If our communication fails I’ll reconnect it
I want to rave
No matter where the road is leading us
Remember
Don’t be afraid
We have a continent that sometimes comes between us
That’s ok
I love you…even when I’m sleeping
When I close my eyes
You’re everywhere
Leonardo’s Bride
“Mummy…Daddy…you awake?”
Spike smiled as he rolled
over to find his littlest one leaning on the bed. She grinned when she realized
her father was awake.
“It’s my birthday day,”
Journey announced with happy pride. “Get up,” she pulled on the comforter. “We
have lots to do.”
“Shhh, baby,” Spike
whispered, hanging onto the only thing keeping him covered. “Mummy is still
asleep.”
“Oh,” Journey changed to a
stage whisper that didn’t really alter the volume. “I be quiet.”
“Morning, pumpkin,” Buffy
whispered as she leaned over Spike’s side. “I’m awake…now.”
“Sorry,” their daughter said
dutifully but her grin showed that she was anything but apologetic at waking
her parents.
Spike slipped onto his back,
putting his arm around Buffy to keep her where she was. Thankfully she didn’t
move away only adjusted herself. Her head was propped on her hand that rested
on his stomach. He caressed her back idly while Journey clambered up to sit
beside them. His hand cradled his daughter’s back to ensure she didn’t fall off
the high bed.
“Who else is up?” Spike
asked, glancing at the clock to see that it was only a little after seven.
“
Buffy stiffened at hearing
Dylan’s name but didn’t say anything. The argument the night before had ended
at Buffy’s announcement. Spike didn’t want to say anything else because he
couldn’t disagree with it. All he could do was take the blame and try to figure
out how to prove her wrong or to make the changes that would make things good
between them. He just wasn’t sure how to get through the wall that was between
them.
“Well, sounds like it’s time
for everybody to get up so we can celebrate, huh?” Spike asked.
“Uh, huh, let’s go,” Journey
said, giggling. “I’m hungry.
“And what do you want?”
Buffy asked with one brow rising as she looked at her daughter knowingly.
“Waffles, whipped cream,
syrup, cookies and sprinkles.”
“Sounds like a tummy ache
waiting to happen,” Spike said with a grin. “Tell you what; we’ll discuss it
after I get dressed.”
“No, my birthday,” Journey declared,
crossing her arms and sticking out her lower lip.
Buffy grabbed the lip and
pulled playfully on it. “Doesn’t matter…you want to save room for the cake and
ice cream later.”
Journey nodded
enthusiastically and Spike knew she would give in about breakfast. Somehow
Buffy always found the words to cajole their child into doing the right thing.
It made him proud of the woman she had become. And he wondered why he couldn’t
fully trust her because that’s what it came down to after all. He couldn’t trust
that she would love him completely. Why was he stuck on the memory of the girl
who wasn’t sure she wanted to be with him? Unfortunately, there wasn’t going to
be any easy answers. Not this time.
He sighed and lifted Joy to
the floor.
“Go sit on the bottom step,”
Spike said. “Give Daddy a chance to get dressed.”
“’kay,” Journey said as she
skipped across their room.
“Go back to sleep if you
want,” Spike whispered, kissing Buffy’s cheek. “I’ll take care of breakfast.”
“I’m awake now,” she
answered moving away as if the affection had only been for show.
Spike slipped out of bed and
said, “If you want to take your time…”
“I will…thank you.”
Their eyes met from across
their bed. It felt awkward between them. Almost as awkward as the feel of
holding her body clad in pajamas. It was a rare night that either of them slept
with anything on. And he felt rejected. He couldn’t be angry though. It was his
fault they found themselves in this situation.
He quickly dressed in jeans
and a t-shirt while Buffy headed for the bathroom. The door closed behind her
and he knew the lines had been drawn between them. She wanted all of him or
nothing. He stared at it for a moment before his feet took him in that
direction. He wanted to break the door down and shake her even though he knew
it was a mistake.
“You coming, Daddy?” Joy
called. “Max is up…”
“Yeah, baby,” Spike changed
his path giving one last glance at the closed door before running down the
stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy sighed in relief at
the sound of her husband leaving. She needed some time alone and was grateful
that he had given it to her. It was just too much to paste on a happy smile and
be super mom and wife right now. She wished she could rewind the previous night
and start all over. To be able to stop the insecurity that had led to her
opening her mouth at all the wrong times.
It all came down the
question of what was wrong with her? No matter how great her life was now there
was something that took her tumbling back through the years. She stared at her
reflection as she thought of all the times she realized she was alone.
Like the last time she had
seen her father. She was still in high school. Dawn and she had gone to LA to
visit him, never suspecting that when he dropped them off, waving and saying
how much he loved them that they would never see him again. There were only a
few phone calls more then nothing.
Angel telling her in the
sewer of all places that it was over between them. And that he was leaving not
only her but town also. Telling her that she deserved to be in the light…her a
Slayer…in the light? It didn’t work…never had and never would. Didn’t he know
that? Didn’t he know that she loved him with all the hope that was in her young
heart and he took that hope away when he left?
The helicopter taking off
while she screamed Riley’s name and he never looked back. She hadn’t been enough.
She didn’t love him enough and he knew that.
And finally staring into the
reflection of her eyes…the memory that tore her apart…the one that made all the
other’s insignificant filled her mind.
~~~~~~~
November, 2001
Reality flooded her. The memories returned.
Disappointment filled her every pore. She wasn’t Joan, the superhero and he
wasn’t Randy, the noble vampire. They were back to being fucked up Buffy and
the soulless vampire she cared about. Knowing that the dream was gone again she
refused his offer of help. She was angry at him for being who he was, angry
with herself for being who she was, and angry that she was once again forced
back into the life she didn’t want. So, she walked away from him even though
she wanted to stay…even though she knew it hurt him.
Later at the Magic Box she told everyone that she was
going to the Bronze. She met his eyes to make sure he knew then walked away. If
she was drunk, if he was pushing her into it, then she couldn’t be to blame
right? But he never showed. She waited until the place closed down around her.
The anger returned. She was indignant that he, the evil creature, had refused
to come to her.
The entire way to his crypt she muttered under her
breath about how much she hated him. She wanted to beat him to a pulp for doing
this to her. She wanted to feel him any way she could. She wanted him.
The crypt door was standing ajar. She entered
cautiously but there was nothing to fear except the emptiness. He was gone.
Every night for a week she returned, hoping he would be sitting in his chair
watching television. His sarcasm would be there in full force about her
worrying about him. She would welcome that. It didn’t matter how it was between
them. She needed him there. He promised until the end of the world and he was
gone. Like the others. And finally she had to accept that. At the end of the
week she had curled up in his empty bed with a bottle and realized she was
alone again. Like always.
~~~~~~~~
“Damn it, Buffy,” she told
her reflection. “He came back to you. To
you. He put you back together. He loves you. You know that. So, why can’t I
accept it?”
Because losing him was her
greatest fear.
So, she had to fight for
him. She had to show him that she was the only person that could love him the
way he needed to be loved. With new resolve, Buffy hurried through her shower.
Her hair was pulled back but still allowed to cascade down her back. She
dressed in a baby blue pullover with a low scoop in the front and a pair of
faded jeans that hung low on her hips. Clothes chosen because Spike said he
liked her in them. She sprayed his favorite scent on then with a smile on her
strawberry glossed lips she headed downstairs.
~~~~~~~~
The kitchen was chaos as
usual. Spike stayed out of the way; leaning back against the counter and
sipping his morning blood. With amusement he gazed around at the people around
him. His family.
Buffy made her way into the
room. She looked almost uncertain and for some reason he couldn’t meet her
gaze. It was still uncomfortable between them. She greeted everyone as she made
her way to the fridge. He could feel himself tensing as he watched her pull
fresh fruit out. For a moment he considered leaving the room but knew he
couldn’t. This was where he belonged. Buffy stood beside him as she started to
cut up the fruit for a salad. There were too many people in the room to try and
talk to her so he leaned over to nip her ear. She smiled up at him and he knew
it was okay for now. There would be a later to put things right again.
It was then that Cordelia
made her way into the room. She headed for the table and Spike watched as
Journey tugged on Angel’s sleeve. His sire reached over to slide the child onto
his lap without hesitation. Cordelia took over the chair that Joy had
previously occupied.
“Do you want some?” Journey
asked, pushing her plate of waffles in front of Cordelia.
“No thank you, baby,”
Cordelia responded, brushing back Journey’s hair. “I’m not feeling too good.”
His daughter patted Cordy’s
stomach. “Is it icky?”
“Yeah.”
Journey nodded and looked up
to scan the room. Spike was fascinated by the exchange and continued to watch
what his little scamp was going to do.
“Dylan,” Journey called, her
eyes settling on the young man. “Fix Cordy toast and tea, please. Her tummy not
feeling so good.”
Everyone in the room stopped
talking and turned to look at Dylan. He had the classic caught in the
headlights look as he stared stunned at the little girl. No one offered to come
to his rescue or help him out. Not even Spike. It was a moment that Dylan would
forever distance himself from Spike’s family or take a step toward being
accepted by them.
“Here,” Buffy said quietly.
She handed Dylan a loaf of bread. “Keep it light and only a very small amount
of butter. I’ll make the tea.”
“Thanks.”
Spike’s heart softened as he
witnessed his wife’s generosity. In spite of her insecurities and own opinion
she had offered Dylan a helping hand. Had life blinded him to how much she had
changed over the years? She wasn’t that young girl anymore. She was a woman
that loved him and she deserved so much more than he had given her.
He knew it was time to face
his doubts and try to find a way to overcome them. Otherwise he would lose
everything he had. Spike looked up to find Dylan staring at him with knowing
eyes.
In that moment Spike
accepted he had blinded himself from the truth.
to be continued…
