Chapter 37 – Cowboy
in Me
I don’t know why I act
the way I do
Like I ain’t got a
single thing to lose
Sometimes I’m my own
worst enemy
I got a life that most
would love to have
But sometimes I still
wake up fighting mad
At where this road I’m
following might lead
The urge to run, the
restlessness
The heart of stone I
sometimes get
The things I’ve done
for foolish pride
The me that’s never
satisfied
The face in the mirror
when I don’t like what I see
I guess that’s just
the cowboy in me
Girl I know there’s
times you must have thought
There ain’t a line
you’ve drawn I haven’t crossed
But you set your mind
to see this love through
I guess that’s just
the cowboy in you
Tim McGraw
Buffy threw the last shirt into the dresser then shut the drawer with a bang. Irritation simmered within her begging to become full blown anger. They’d arrived at the cabin an hour before and Spike had been missing for almost forty-five of those minutes. He’d mumbled something about having to take care of things outside then he vanished, leaving her alone to unpack their gear while putting up with the crass jokes and conversation from the guys. Dylan was deliberately trying to provoke her with comments about how wonderful the single life was. The others seemed to encourage his boasting by adding their colorful twists about the women they’d known.
Determined to give her husband a piece of her mind, she strode through the living room, ignoring the others as she swung the door open. The motorcycles sat in a perfect line next to the utility van with the rest of their gear but there was no Spike in sight. Buffy sighed, venturing down to the edge of the clearing to see if she saw him. He didn’t seem to be around. She stood perfectly still, cleansing her spirit of the anger that prevented her from finding him. He wasn’t far. She turned around, following the directions her instincts gave her until she found him sitting by a lake about a half a mile from the cabin.
Spike sat with his journal open across his lap while he wrote upon the pages. His brow was furrowed in concentration while his lips followed the words his mind gave him. It had been so long since she had seen him lost in his own private world that she instantly forgave him.
He was in what she called his ‘William mode’, tuning out the world, listening only to the prose that filled his heart. Back when he allowed himself this part of himself, he could be lost for hours or days, locked away in his study creating another life. Sometimes he even forgot to eat or sleep until he reached the end of whatever particular journey he was on. Exhausted he would stumble back to reality and into her arms with the need of a young child to be loved. It was those moments that she would come face to face with the man he’d once been.
With a smile she approached him, and without a word sat beside him. She hooked her arms around her legs, waiting for him to speak, or acknowledge her presence. Instead of bothering him she looked around at the scenery around them. The sun was beginning to set over the mountains to the east sending a brilliant display of orange and purple splashing across the sky. Birds flew over the pristine water of the lake in hovering circles looking for fish foolish enough to break the surface.
Here in this place was a peaceful contentment that was working its magic on her soul. She felt like she could open herself up to the world around her without fear of taking on the ugliness of life that she picked up from the humans and demons around her. She thought of their son, Elijah, wondering if he would feel the same here. The child spent too much time behind the wall of protection he erected around himself that Buffy feared he would eventually become cutoff from the good things that life could offer. She exhaled with a wistful sigh as the pressure of home invaded her mood.
“It’s different here, isn’t it?” Spike said, slipping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close.
“It’s beautiful.”
Spike pressed a kiss to her cheek, and then nuzzled his chin in her hair before nipping at her ear lobe. “Not as beautiful as you are,” he whispered. “I wish I could make love to you.”
“Here and now?” Buffy teased, turning so that she could kiss him with gentle strokes. “I think our roommates might come looking for us.”
“I know,” he responded with a sigh. He pulled away to lie back on the grass. His hand held onto his journal which was now closed.
“What were you writing about?” Buffy asked, curious as to what he was thinking about that would make him put business second. “Anything I can read?” She tugged playfully on the book.
He smacked her hand without hurting her. “About you…us, our family and…about this place.”
“Oh,” Buffy said, lying on her side by him. She tucked her arm under her head as a pillow, letting her other hand rest on his arm. Her thumb made idle strokes along his flesh. “You seemed happy on the ride up here? Do you have a yearning for the country life that I don’t know about?”
“Maybe,” Spike said. “What if I did?”
“You’re my husband,” Buffy said. “Where you go, I go.”
His head tilted, staring at her in contemplation before he asked, “Just like that?”
“Yeah,” Buffy said. “Just like that.”
Seemingly in surprise one brow raised in reply to her affirmation. Spike shook his head and sat up. His body curled into itself as he imitated the pose she previously had assumed. He stared out over the lake while she searched her mind for what she could have done to upset him. It was absurd for him to be angry that she would follow him wherever he would go. They were a couple, married with children, why would she stay behind? She sat up, staying beside him, but not touching.
“Did I do something wrong?” Buffy asked.
“What if I said I wanted to move to
“Spike, that’s crazy,” Buffy laughed. He didn’t laugh with her. “What’s going on? I’m your wife, of course, I would follow you.”
“Don’t you have any thoughts on it? Other than sure, we’ll move, turn our whole lives upside down, just because I have a whim?”
“I’m not even going to get into this,” Buffy snapped. She stood up, brushing off the seat of her jeans. “It’s stupid.” She started to walk off then turned back around to face Spike just as he was standing. “Once again you’re starting this shit. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t. Woe is you, Buffy doesn’t love you enough, Buffy is smothering me and, guess what now I have an excuse to play all Mr. Insecurity.”
“Excuse me,” Dylan said, startling both Buffy and Spike with his presence. They both whirled to look at him. He was barely hiding a smirk. “Jake wants everyone together for a strategy meeting.”
“Any excuse to interrupt us?” Buffy asked sarcastically then let her shoulders droop in dejection.
It was too much. Her husband’s temptation was there in front of her offering something she could never give. All of her love led to dreams of a home, stability, and a life with one person. And for some reason the man she loved had never been comfortable with that. He’d flat out told her from the beginning that he didn’t want it, but somehow over the years he’d accepted her dreams. Allowed them to happen, but he never gave up yearning for what he didn’t have. For his dreams of their life together, except now he looked to others for those dreams.
She had chosen what she wanted, and now she had to live with the choices she made as a young woman with a heart full of hope. The hope was dying because she knew the signs. The restlessness that drove Spike to seek out that balm for his demon’s urges. The temptation had been offered too much, too openly, and wrapped in a beautiful package.
And she had never hated anyone as much in her life. Dylan had youth, beauty, and freedom that teased at her husband’s libido. To think his heart was tempted was too much for Buffy to take. It couldn’t be. A sob rose unbidden, getting caught in her throat as she tried to push it back. With one last glance of hope she turned to run back to the cabin leaving Spike to walk back with the enemy.
~~~~~~~~
The tunnel was dark with a smell that burned at her throat. Every once in awhile there was a scratching sound that made chills run along Journey’s spine. Elijah was pulling on her hand, forcing her to follow him through the scary place. She wanted to go back.
“Stop,” Journey cried, trying to yank her hand away. “I don’t like it here.” She sniffled. “Faith said I could have hot choc’lit before I went to bed.”
“Quit being a baby,” Eli said, not even looking back. “You wanted to play hide and seek.”
“You scaring me,” Joy stated. This was a game she didn’t like and she wished she hadn’t agreed to go with her brother. Mummy and Daddy would be very angry knowing that they were in the tunnels alone. It was a grown up place. “I don’t like it down here.”
“I don’t either,” Eli whispered. “It’s not much further.”
“Where we going?”
“I have to check something out. There’s a message of some kind at the first crossroads.”
“What kind of message?”
“I don’t know,” Elijah said, sounding exasperated with her questions. “That’s why we’re down here.”
“Who told you it was here?” Journey asked, not caring if Elijah got mad at her. Hearing his voice was helping to make her feel safe. The beam of the flashlight wasn’t enough since it was in front of him. She refused to try to see in the inky blackness. There could be monsters around them.
“I dreamed about it,” Elijah said, stopping suddenly. He flashed the light over the walls that dripped with water that smelled funny. Joy shivered, stepping closer to him.
“Well, well look who’s being bad little children,” a voice called out to them. “You will surely be spanked.”
They both turned to see who was there in the darkness with them. A woman stood, illuminated in the glow of the flashlight. Journey thought she was very pretty with long black hair and big brown eyes. Her red dress looked like one’s that were worn only to fancy parties.
“Are you a princess?” Journey asked.
“Eli, tell the little one who I am,” she said, clapping her hands.
“Don’t listen to her,” Elijah ordered, stepping between Journey and the woman. “She’s not good.”
“I’m your grandmamma, Drusilla,” the woman said, coming closer. “Aren’t you the pretty one, precious? Not the little prince we expected but you would have served quite nicely.”
“You my mummy’s mom?” Joy asked, curious about this woman that said she was family, but she’d never heard of before.
“No, your father is my boy.”
“Oh, Daddy is a vampire,” Joy said. “Are you one, too?”
“Yes, I am,” Drusilla said with a soft laugh. “One day you will be, too.”
“No, I won’t,” Joy argued. “No one is going to drink my blood.”
“Joy, quit talking to her,” Elijah said, trying to drag Journey away. “She’s evil and will be mean to us.”
“She’s nice,” Journey said, tired of listening to her brother. He was always bossing her around and she liked this lady. She was pretty and wasn’t treating her like a baby. “Do you want to come back with us? Mummy and Daddy aren’t home…”
“Damn it, shut up,” Elijah hissed, pushing his sister.
“Stop that,” Drusilla said. “Your sister is very smart. And I like her, too.” She turned to Journey. “I bet you don’t like that Mummy and Daddy left you. Do you?”
“They went away to be all mushy,” Joy said.
“Why don’t you come with me?” Drusilla said. “I like to play. I won’t leave you like your parents did.”
“They’re coming back,” Joy insisted with a nod hard enough to send her curls flying.
“How do you know?” Drusilla said. “You’ve been in the way haven’t you? They’re talking about having another baby. One to replace the bad girl you’ve been…doing naughty, naughty things like running away. Mummy’s and Daddy’s leave little girls who don’t listen.”
Joy grabbed her brother’s hand. Her lower lip trembled as her eyes filled with tears. Daddy had gone away, now Mummy was with him, what if this lady was right and they didn’t come home? Who would take care of her, Elijah and Candy?
“I want my mummy,” Journey said, as the tears began to roll down her face. “She’s coming back and so is Daddy.”
“Its okay, Journey,” Elijah said, starting to lead her back home. He glanced over his shoulder. “Don’t listen to her. She’s bad.”
“I want Mummy and Daddy,” Journey wailed, tired of being strong. She wanted someone to pick her up and cuddle her. She wanted Daddy to read her a bed time story while they drank hot chocolate and Candy sat on her lap. When Elijah started to run, she didn’t even mind. Her little legs were pumping hard as she tried to keep up. The path was too rough for her to run in the slippers she had on. She tripped and went flying. Her arm caught her fall as she hit the ground. Letting out a wail that came from deep within her, she cried out for her parents.
“I’m right here, princess,” Mummy said, kneeling in front of her. “You really need to stop this crying. It makes Mummy mad when you act like a baby. Stand up. Right now.”
“It hurts,” Journey protested, but still trying to do as she was told.
“It’s not Mummy,” Elijah said. “It’s the bad one again.”
“Shut up, Elijah,” Mummy said. “You are a bad boy and I don’t think we want you anymore.” She turned to Journey. “Either of you.” She stood up. “I’m going away with Daddy and you’re never going to see us again. All because you are a disappointment to us.”
“Shut up,” Elijah screeched, pulling Journey against him. “Leave us alone. You’re not our mother. She loves us and you aren’t going to make us hate her. Go away.”
Joy held onto Elijah with everything she had. This had to be a nightmare. It had to be. Mummy and Daddy had to still love them. They wouldn’t go away and leave them alone. She started to cry harder as she wished her parents would come home.
“Elijah, Joy,” they heard Max calling for them. “Are you there?”
“Yes, we’re here,” Elijah called out then glared at Mummy.
“We’re not alone anymore so you can’t do anything to us.”
“They’re not going to love you anymore,” Mummy said. “You’re spoiled rotten little brats who only disgust them.”
Then she vanished as Max and Faith came running up to them.
Joy hadn’t been so happy to see anyone in her young life. “Faith,” she cried lifting her arms so she would be picked up. Faith swept her up just like Mummy would, hugging her tight while Max held onto Elijah.
They were safe again.
~~~~~~~
Spike stared after Buffy’s retreating form while he wrestled with his guilt. His words had come out all wrong. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He had wanted an honest dialogue of the possibilities of moving someplace. Maybe a little daydreaming together, but Buffy had just agreed. He should be happy that she loved him that much. For some reason, though, it irked him. He sighed as he started to trace her footsteps. Dylan didn’t say a word to him just began to follow him.
No matter how many different ways he said it, Buffy had a problem believing that he’d changed. He loved her just like he always did. Their past problems weren’t her fault. She was never anything but honest with him after that morning in the cemetery. The morning they faced how seriously fucked up their relationship was. Now, he knew the time they spent apart was good for them both. It was just his insecurity of being loved by Buffy that had always left him looking for affirmation outside their relationship. He didn’t need that anymore. He was honest with himself though. Dylan was beautiful. Playing with him would give his demon a rush, but it wasn’t something he even considered.
Buffy was his wife and the love of his life. She was the only one he wanted. He just wished she would accept it and learn to trust him again. He shook his head as he approached the cabin. Of course, if she never did then he had no one to blame but himself.
“Sorry, for interrupting back there,” Dylan said, as they crossed the clearing to the cabin. “Probably should have sent someone else to fetch you two.”
“Not your fault,” Spike said, glancing over at the young man beside him. “It’s just been hard with the two of us separated the last few months.” He chuckled. “It’s thrown a little excitement into the routine we’ve fallen in since Joy was born.”
“Oh, okay,” Dylan said, stopping on the steps. His tongue curled against his front teeth for a moment before he generously added, “If there’s anything I can do to help or if you need to talk. I’m here for you.”
“Thanks,” Spike said, reaching for the door. “I appreciate the offer.”
It wasn’t the time or place to tell Dylan to back off some. Not with everyone waiting on the other side of the door. Later, Spike promised himself and after that was settled he’d make sure Buffy would know what he did.
Spike strode into the cabin, putting his shoulders back, preparing to go into mission mode. His personal life needed to be put on hold for the moment. Buffy’s laughter interrupted his thoughts. He searched for her in the room curious as to why she sounded happy. She was angry the last time he saw her. He heard her giggle again. This time he traced it to the kitchen. He walked over to find her leaning on the counter, talking to Ted, or rather flirting with Ted. She flipped her hair back before she caught his gaze. Rage started to boil within him then he saw the confusion in her eyes and let it go. She may be flirting but he knew she wouldn’t let it go farther than that.
“Trying to steal my woman?” Spike joked, moving to slip an arm around Buffy’s waist. She was stiff beside him then relaxed.
“Maybe,” Ted said, with a smile. He tipped his glass toward them. “Just assessing my chances at the moment though.”
“Just so you know I’m not going to let her go…ever.” Their eyes met and he saw the happiness fill them. He kissed her cheek.
“Mmm, I was coming to that conclusion myself,” Ted responded with a shake of his head. “You two are too glued together for me to ever think of interfering.”
“Glad you see that,” Spike said, squeezing her a little tighter. “We better get into the living room before Jake calls the dogs out to find us.”
He started to take a step, but Buffy didn’t move. She started to shake as she stared down at her arm. He froze when he followed her gaze. It was raw from wrist to elbow and blood was oozing from the open wound. He stared in stupefaction as he wondered what had happened. She’d been fine when he walked into the room, but it looked like she had scraped it somehow.
“Buffy?”
She started to cry. “It’s Journey. She’s hurt.”
to be continued…
