His tongue worked through dry lips, just a touch of moisture, so he could croak out, “Why”?

There was pain in her eyes, more pain than before, like a memory had come forth that hurt her even more and she shook her head and whispered, “He hurt all of us.”

Something had happened; something they hadn’t told him but the thought to ask was lost as Angel pulled into their driveway and bounced over the yard so that he could park in the shade by the ballroom doors. Spike groaned as he smelled the others, the humans were all there to witness his shame. He had allowed himself to be taken prisoner and tortured by the soldiers. What good was he to them? His eyes closed, refusing to acknowledge them and tried to sit up but Buffy had to support him. Hands reached for him to take him from the car and Spike growled low in his throat.

Then there was only Buffy as he forced himself from the car. His legs were fine and when he realized that they were all standing there watching, he slipped his crippled hand beneath his coat. The hand had started healing with the fingers bent unnaturally and would probably be useless for the rest of his existence. He only stared at the ground as he climbed from the car and Angel was there as the dizziness overtook him. Buffy crawled from the car to stand beside him. Flanked by his mates, Spike finally turned his eyes to the Scoobies and saw their faces filled with concern and his chest felt tighter than before from the realization that they cared.

Spike knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay upright for long and tried to take a step but found himself pitching forward. Someone caught him and this time he didn’t fight them as he was carried into Angel’s room. The scent of his mates filled him as he sunk into the softness of the mattress. He sighed and let go because here he was loved and safe. Through the fog that filled his conscious, he felt hands taking care of him. The clothes were cut from his body and the smell of Buffy hovered around him as warm towels cleaned the blood from him. Red was there somewhere as cool lotions were dabbed onto his cuts and burns. Dimly he could hear the small intakes of breath as each new wound was tended to and even if he could he wouldn’t have looked at the ones nursing him.

He was humiliated because the Initiative had taken away who he was once again. The torture had been worse than anything Angelus had laid upon him years ago. The cruelty and emptiness of their hearts made them worse than any spawn of hell. His mind tried to force aside the memories and pain but hiding behind his eyelids and echoing in his ears was the sight and sound of what must have been the ghost of Riley. The soldier had returned alone last night and his hatred of the vampire had truly been shown in tortures that were only done for the pleasure of it. The smell of his burnt flesh had filled the nostrils of his Sire telling him about the diversions with electricity that had marked his torso. And when he had taken Spike from his hell he had sworn vengeance into his Childe’s ear.

A cover was pulled over Spike just enough for modesty’s sake and then he was alone again. The darkness teased at him and called for him to succumb to its pull. Footsteps entered the room and Angel was there sinking down onto the mattress beside him. Spike fought to open his eyes but the familiar hand caressed his brow.

“Shhh, don’t,” Angel whispered. “Drink.”

A wrist was pressed to his mouth and blood soothing in its power trickled into his mouth and instincts took over as Spike suckled at the life giving nourishment. Fingers continued to stroke him as he quenched his gnawing hunger. Before he was ready the wrist was taken from him and a kiss replaced the fingers. Spike whimpered in his need but instead of what he craved a cup was pressed to his lips. Buffy was there, encouraging him to drink but the liquid was foul and he tried to bat it away. Arms encircled him and the Watcher and the boy were there to help hold him down. The foulness was poured into his mouth while Buffy rubbed his throat forcing him to swallow, and Spike wanted to cry in frustration. All he wanted was the blood. Blood would heal him. Then things became hazy around him and he began to float until darkness finally pulled him under.

~~~~~~~~~~

No one had been able to stay and watch. Buffy had tried and then ran from the room crying. Only Angel now remained with Spike’s head on his lap and holding his free hand but he too wanted to flee from this. He stayed because even with the potion Spike thrashed from pain as a doctor Giles had found was methodically breaking each finger of his Childe’s left hand again. Then he would reset the broken digit so that it would have a chance to heal correctly and hopefully Spike would have full use of his hand again.

Finally after what seemed like hours the doctor looked up and said he was done. The little creature wearing the guise of a human over a demon heart gathered his instruments together then waited. Angel hurried to the box on his dresser and pulled out the necessary cash to pay him, then followed him out into the living room. The others waited until he had left to question Angel on how it went.

“They’ve all been set and he has them taped but we should know in a few days how well it went,” Angel explained. Hesitating he contemplated whether or not to ask the question that weighed on his mind. He knew these friends of Buffy’s cared about their mate but this was something he wasn’t sure they could handle. He stepped over to Buffy and took her hand to give him courage. “In order for Spike to heal quickly and properly, he is going to need blood. Human blood.”

“We can get some.” Giles said. “It shouldn’t be too hard.”

“No, fresh human blood would be best. The only thing better is my blood and Buffy’s. I have already fed him and I know that Buffy won’t hesitate but I need to know if any of you are willing to donate.”

“And how exactly were planning on obtaining it?” Xander asked.

“A cut to your arm and let him drink from you. It’s like with a newborn the need to suck is instinctive unlike trying to get him to drink from a cup. Besides he associates the cup with the potion now and we don’t want to confuse him. If you do this, I’ll stay and supervise so that you are safe.”

“Please,” Buffy whispered, tears still sliding down her cheeks.

“Okay,” Willow stepped forward.

Slowly each of the others agreed. Relief swept through Angel as he scrutinized these humans before him. Maybe they weren’t so bad after all. He chose Willow first and had her follow him into the bedroom. She winced when he cut her arm but she never balked as Spike drank from her and that was why Angel had chosen her first. Her feelings for his mate ran deeper than the others and she would lead them by example thus ensuring Spike would get the nourishment he needed.

~~~~~~~~~

Time passed marked only by the hands that cleaned his wounds, the wrist pressed to his lips or the cup of foulness that he was forced to ingest. As Spike healed he became more aware of who was there tending to him and feeding him. The wrists that fed him were connected to separate personalities and each tasted a little different. His Sire gave him power and the lineage of where he came from, Buffy was healing and comfort, the Watcher gave him a connection to home and his roots, the ex-demon bird was excitement and desire, Willow was a power that was not yet fully realized and Tara was sweetness and home that made him miss his mother. The boy was only there a few times. Spike knew he only came because of pressure of the others but found he harbored no resentment toward Xander. Buffy had told him about Xander’s childhood friend and he could understand his reluctance to allow a vampire to feed from him.

The first time that Xander allowed him to feed, Spike could smell the arousal on the boy and the embarrassment that turned his face a bright red. The vampire wondered if no one had told the boy that the feeding could cause such a reaction. But Spike couldn’t resist the temptation to tease Xander by changing the pressure of his sucking so that it was more erotic. After the boy had finally fled Angel had turned to him with mirth dancing in his eyes and Spike knew that Xander had been left in ignorance deliberately. None of the girls would have shared and Giles would have been too mortified to discuss such matters. Chuckling Spike enjoyed Angel’s little joke and figured that would be the last time that he would feed from that wrist but he was wrong. Xander had returned when the need warranted and someone must have finally shared with him because there wasn’t any reaction again.

Due to the constant care and feeding that he received his body healed rapidly and within a few days he was anxious to leave the bed. Supported by Angel they moved him to the couch in the living room so that he could watch television to pass the time. Buffy had returned to school at her mates’ insistence so that she wouldn’t be so far behind that she couldn’t catch up. His feedings turned to bags of human blood and his Sire was still there to dote on him. They spent hours talking about all the things they had never taken the time to figure out along the way. Sometimes in the mornings Angel would read to him and in the afternoon would hold him while he napped to help keep the nightmares at bay.

It was Buffy that he couldn’t figure out. She was nurturing and loving but her affection was something he couldn’t quite grasp. In the evening while she did her homework she would sit on the floor in front of the couch and he would play with her hair or caress her shoulder but her kisses were fleeting in nature and he wondered if she no longer loved him. If her illusions of him being her prince had finally been shattered by his fallacies and he ached to make love to her again. Maybe if he could still please her then the desire that was once in her eyes for him might return.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy stepped into the bedroom, her eyes drinking in the sight of Spike still wet from his bath with a towel wrapped around his waist. Angel was changing the sheets so that he would have a clean bed for the night. She could feel those blue eyes on her, filled with curiosity and pain, trying to figure out why she had withdrawn from him. The longer she refused to deal with what had happened to her the more remote she felt from them both. A part of her told her that it wasn’t really that big of a deal. Riley hadn’t done much more than she had allowed her boyfriends before Angel to do and in comparison to what Spike had gone through she shouldn’t complain. But another part of her still felt shameful and guilty over it and no matter how many times she showered and scrubbed herself it seemed there was a layer of filth coating her. Those hands still haunted her dreams and even Spike touching her made her cringe in fear.

“Why don’t you help Spike get dried off?” Angel asked. Although Spike hadn’t said anything to her, she knew that he was ready to resume physical relations with her and Angel. His body was still healing but there was a part of him that needed the bonding that came from sex. Angel was already becoming physical with Spike again and when she had walked in on them earlier, she had retreated instead of joining them.

“I’ll finish making the bed,” she answered and moved to take over.

From the corner of her eye she watched Angel towel Spike off, Buffy knew, to give the blonde vampire the loving touch of being cared for. After the bed was made Spike slipped beneath the covers and Angel left to heat up blood for them.

“I need to finish some schoolwork.” Buffy told him, heading for the door.

“Stay with me, Buffy, please,” Spike said, “just to talk.”

Even if she didn’t want to return to their physical relationship just yet she still loved him very deeply and couldn’t bear to hurt him. So, she turned back to join him on the bed; sitting cross-legged out of his reach on the corner.

“What’s wrong, pet?”

Buffy sighed because she should have known that it wouldn’t be long before Spike would know something was wrong with her and ask about it. He had always been perceptive of her feelings especially ones that she was trying to hide.

“There’s been a lot to deal with. I’m fine.” It wasn’t exactly a lie she justified to herself as she played with a loose thread in the comforter.

Spike patted the bed next to him, “I won’t do anything you don’t want me too. Trust me, don’t you?”

Her mind reminded her of a time that Spike had hurt her with sex and she closed her eyes trying to push the memory away. She heard Spike sigh at her lack of response and in an effort to try to please him she shifted until she was lying next to him. There was still space between them and when he didn’t try to breach it, Buffy let herself relax. Angel returned with the blood and the two vampires talked about general things while they drank. Her eyelids grew heavy as the hypnotizing rise and fall of their voices lulled her into a place where she felt safe.

~~~~~~~~~~

Terror filled Spike and he fought to emerge from the inky blackness that was suffocating him. His eyes opened and he blinked trying to anchor himself by focusing on the room around him. Telling himself to calm down he looked for Angel but he wasn’t in the bed with him. Buffy was still sleeping beside him, her body uncurling in sleep until she was on her back. Her hand was lying over her head while the other one was flung out to the side. The mere presence of her made his heart lighter and he moved closer to her warmth. They had slept together for months, surely she wouldn’t object if he needed her touch to return to sleep himself. He laid his head on her shoulder with his good hand stretched over her stomach while his bad one was tucked between them.

The fear of his nightmare was negated by the scents radiating from his mate, her shampoo, soap and the delicate aroma that was pure Buffy. His body and mind grew calm as he snuggled against her and he allowed himself to fall under the lure of sleep again.

~~~~~~~~~~

The dream pushed through Buffy’s conscience, Riley’s body covered her and his hands roamed over her flesh, invading and probing, and she was powerless to stop him. There was no one to help her as he separated her legs and she awoke with a scream only to find herself still in the shadows. Somehow Riley was there pinning her to the mattress while his hand searched for new ways to molest her.

“Angel, help me,” Buffy cried, panic taking over her senses. “No, leave me alone.” Her hands pushed at the man covering her.

“Buffy? What’s wrong?” the man asked but he wouldn’t release her.

“Please, no, don’t. Angel, where’s Angel?” Buffy continued to resist him and when she couldn’t get away, she used her fists and nails to fight him. “Let go of me. No. Angel where are you?”

“Buffy, stop it,” Angel said, grabbing her wrists and pulling her away from the enemy. She was safe as she was pulled onto her mate’s lap. His hands held her tight. “It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s over. I’ve got you now.” And she let go, sobbing as the pent up poison released itself.

~~~~~~~~~

Spike pulled away from his mates and reached over to turn the lamp on. He stared in disbelief at Buffy sobbing in Angel’s arms and wondered what he had done to make Buffy hate him so much. Less than a week ago she had chased him down to make him see they were meant to be together and now she had fought to get away from him. It was Angel that she wanted not him and he was a fool for ever believing it was different. His Sire was the hero not Spike and all the insecurities and hurts threatened to drown him as they came crashing back.

There was no way Spike could stay. Not with this. His eyes filled with tears and he swung his legs over the edge but Angel grabbed his arm. Spike was emotionally at his end and he didn’t have the strength to pull away. He turned to find out what his Sire wanted to try to appease him with but found himself stunned when Angel mouthed Riley’s name to him.

“Oh, God,” Spike muttered, cursing himself for not seeing sooner. The torture at the hands of Riley on that last night made it clear that he hadn’t succeeded. Otherwise, the human would have been reveling in his conquest and not out of control in rage. Now, he willingly bore the pain of that night because he would gladly go through it a thousand times again to keep Buffy from what Riley had planned.

Spike settled onto the bed and waited for Buffy to cry herself out. There was no longer any resentment as he watched Angel rock and try to reassure her that she was safe. Angel was the one who knew what had happened, not him, and it was logical that she would turn to his Sire for protection. He just wondered why they hadn’t told him. He had been well enough the last couple of days to handle it but, in the end, he sighed and let it go.

Buffy sobs turned to hiccups and trickled down to sniffles as she released her pain. Angel still held her but pushed her away a bit so that he could dry her cheeks and she turned to look at Spike. He reached a hand out to her and waited until she laid her hand in his.

“I’m sorry. I was having a nightmare,” Buffy said. “I didn’t realize it was you.”

“Its okay, Lamb.”

Spike felt better when she nodded and slipped back to sit on the bed again. Her hand was still holding his and it gave him encouragement that she still trusted him a little.

“I know I’ve been distant from you,” she started, her gaze locked on the pattern of the bedspread. “Something happened and…” Buffy swallowed and her eyes filled with tears again.

“Buffy, don’t have to explain now; I’ll be here when you’re ready.” The relief on his Slayer’s face told him that he had said the right thing. So, he forged ahead. “I can wait on other things until you’re ready too. Just want you to be happy.”

Buffy looked up and studied his face for a moment before asking, “You still want me?”

Her voice was soft and hesitant and his heart melted at the emotions that were tearing her apart.

“Yeah, Buffy, I still want you. Afraid you’re stuck with me.”

The smile that finally reached her eyes was worth it and he squeezed her hand. His eyes turned to Angel who looked just as relieved as she did that this was finally out in the open. Sighing, Spike laid back down putting his arm in an invitation to her and after hesitating for only a fraction of a second Buffy laid next to him. Her head rested on his chest and his arm encircled her.