Chapter 7
All Xander wanted was to get
out of the Bronze. Away from the crowds
of happy people having a blast with other happy people. He hated them all. Why was he always singled out for
misery? What had he ever done to deserve
to even be born? He didn't need his
father there to hear the insults coated with cruel laughter echoing in his head.
Why would you
ever believe that anyone would ever care about you?
You're a fucking idiot!
Stupid faggot!
Spike is nothing but trouble. He was playing with your head and you fell
for it.
He couldn't argue with any
of them. They were all true. He was the biggest fool alive. All the confidence he had enjoyed earlier
drained away to leave him at his usual clumsy awkwardness. He rubbed at raw eyes trying to stop the
tears that were threatening to humiliate him. Not looking where he was going, he slammed
into some pretty boy surrounded by adoring girls.
"Hey asshole," the
boy called.
"Sorry," Xander
mumbled.
He didn't stop long enough
for the other kid to have a chance to start a fight, not even caring that the
girls were laughing at him as he passed them.
Xander wouldn't stand a chance in a physical battle. The other kid could kill him, but maybe that
wasn't a bad thing. It would make his
father happy. Too bad that when he was younger
one of the falls down the stairs or one of the payday drunk beatings hadn't
crushed his skull or something. It would
have saved him years of being unhappy.
He almost smiled when he remembered his wish for his father's
death. It was all too ironic.
Guess he couldn't win no
matter what he wished for because in the end, he hadn't died and his father
would be back on Sunday night. No matter
what he wished or what he tried to change, it seemed life would continue to be
a nightmare. At least before, he still
had his friends to ease the pain. Now
because of one desperate move to be closer to Spike, now he didn't even have
his friends to console him.
Slamming through the front
door of The Bronze, Xander crashed into the night outside. Like a big yawning mouth, the darkness
swallowed him whole. He stumbled along
the alleyway avoiding the others mingling or walking toward the entrance. There was nowhere to go but home, and it was
the last place Xander wanted to go. For
a moment Xander considered catching the first bus out of town, but not only
didn't he have any money, he didn't want to leave Spike despite the
difficulties between them.
It seemed that none of his
plans ever worked out. Xander turned the
corner heading away from the lights and the crowds. Every moment of the night kept running
through his mind in frantic snatches of memories that got worse with each
replay. Maybe he should have let pretty
boy beat the shit out of him. The
physical pain may have hurt more than the emotional, giving him a respite from
the heartache.
"Your father is
right," Xander muttered. "You
are the stupidest person ever born."
He was so lost in his
thoughts that at first he didn't hear the pounding footsteps catching up with
him. It wasn't until Spike grabbed his
arm that he was aware that he wasn't alone.
He looked back at the boy he'd loved as far back as he could
remember. They stared at each other for
a moment before anger overtook Xander's self-pity. No matter what he'd said or done to keep
Spike away, he still loved his best friend with everything he had, and the
thought of him with someone else tore his soul in half.
"You son of a
bitch," Xander snarled. "Get
the fuck out of my way."
"No," Spike
said. He put his hands on his hips. "Look, you told me that you wanted me to
leave. That there wasn't anything
between us. So, why shouldn't I go out
with Harmony?"
"You can go out with
anyone you want. I just want you to get
out of my way."
"No."
Nothing was going
right. Xander swiped at his eyes with
his sleeve then fury replaced the pain.
Seeing red, he grabbed Spike, and threw him against a wall. Spike stumbled, winced as his back slammed
against the bricks before he was able to right himself. The surprise on Spike's face gave Xander a
moment of regret, but this was the first time in a long time that he felt that
he had any control over his life. He
raised his fists ready to punch his best friend.
"Well you're making your Daddy proud, aren't you?" Spike said. "Beat the shit out of me if it makes you
feel better. I don't care."
Xander swung. Not caring about anything but himself as he
felt his fist connect with Spike's face.
For a brief second it felt good to hurt someone else, but the sound of
flesh hitting flesh echoed in his mind.
Like the hundreds of times when his father did the same to him. Spike shook his head as he struggled to his
feet. To Xander's surprise, his friend
didn't try to hit him back. It seemed
Spike was waiting to be punched again.
"Come on, man,"
Spike cajoled. "You can't quit
now. I'm not bleeding yet. Don't you want to get it all out? Tell Daddy you beat the faggot up?"
"Shut up," Xander
cried. "I hate you." A sob caught in Xander's throat as he backed
away. "You don't understand."
"What? That you're a
son of a bitch?
Just like your old man?"
"Stop it," Xander
grabbed Spike's shirt again. "I'm not him.
I'm not." Giving up, he let
go as the sobs took control. He needed
to get out of there, but arms stopped him, encircling him.
"I’m sorry," Spike
said, holding him.
It couldn't be, could
it? Why would Spike want anything to do
with him after what he'd just done?
Maybe Spike was more of a fool than he was, but no one could be, could they? Stiff, unyielding,
afraid it was a cruel joke, Xander only stood there waiting for the punch
line. Or the
punch. His father was right. Xander was a sorry excuse for a man. He deserved everything he got. Including losing the boy
he loved to a blonde bimbo who was free to love Spike.
"Why?" Xander muttered, unwilling to wait any
longer. He needed to face the pain.
"Why what, mate?"
"Why
her? Why are you still here? Why?"
"Her, because she was
an easy lay," Spike said, keeping a hold on Xander's shoulders but pulling
back until they were staring into each other's eyes. "I'm here because I'm your friend even
if you're acting like an ass. And
why?" He shrugged. "Have no
clue. Wondering why a lot myself
lately."
"Is it my fault?"
"Yeah, something like
that," Spike said, taking his tough guy stance as
he stepped back. "Never
thought I'd be such a
"You're not."
Xander said. "That's me."
"Yeah, you're
right," Spike responded with a grin.
It quickly faded. "Before
I'd say let's go raise some hell, but…fuck, I'm not sure any more."
"Know what you
mean." He reached out to touch the
bruise forming on Spike's cheek.
"I'm sorry."
"Not the first time
I've been sucker punched. Guess it won't
be the last."
Xander could tell that Spike
was downplaying everything in an effort not to hurt him. He was grateful. Not that he understood. No one did that to Spike and was able to walk
away. He couldn't even count the times
that his friend had been suspended for starting or
ending a fight. Most people tried to be
as nice to Spike so as not to rile him too much. He stepped forward to maybe
take a chance on this tender Spike when a honk on the street next to
them stopped Xander from doing or saying anything else to make things
worse. Spike jumped back from the
embrace, smoothing himself back into the tough boy
image that was his trademark. Feeling
naked and alone Xander stood there waiting for the cruel taunts that would surely be sent their way.
"Hey you two,"
Buffy's voice rang out. "Get in the
car."
Not sure
who was more surprised, the two boys looked over to where
~~~~~~
"I'm going to kill
her," Spike muttered, jogging toward his baby. As he rounded the back end, he saw Buffy
looking out at him. She was
smiling. It irritated him. "Get out," he barked. "I thought I told you never to drive
her."
"Sorry," Buffy
said, not moving. "You and Xander
left. We were worried so we came looking
for you."
"You couldn't do it on
foot?"
"God, Spike, what is up
your ass?" Buffy pushed the door
open so hard it almost hit him. Not
caring, she climbed out then slammed it shut.
"Fine, I'm out," she said, swinging her arms open. "Your precious car is just fine. Not a scratch on her."
"You're lucky she is,
otherwise I'd be taking it out of your hide."
"Whatever," Buffy
sniffed. "I'm using my feet
now."
"Stop it, please,"
She sounded so sad and as
confused as he felt that Spike didn't want to fight anymore. They were friends if nothing else. It was supposed to be them through
everything. None of them could be blamed any more than he could blame himself for all
that was wrong.
"Get in," Spike
said. "Let's get the fuck out of
Dodge."
They hesitated for only a
second, even Xander, before they were climbing into his car. Buffy ended up in the front seat with him so
she could control the radio. He rolled
his eyes. It wasn't the time to argue
with her as she fiddled with the stations looking for the perfect song in her
eyes.
One day it would
happen. Tapping the steering wheel in
time to the beat that was blaring from the speakers he tried to decide where he
would like to end up, but they all included Xander. Spike wasn't sure if that would happen. He wasn't even sure if he wanted it to or
not. Tonight was all they had. It would have to be enough. Maybe before they got home, he and Xander
could figure something out.
"Ooh, are we going to
get food?" Buffy asked. "I've got like ten dollars left."
"I've got a few
dollars,"
No one asked Xander. He probably had to go in his mom's purse just
to get enough money to get into the Bronze.
None of them cared though. Family
was family.
"I've got some,"
Spike said. "Buffy, be a good girl
and light me a cigarette."
It didn't take long for them
to pull through the nearest drive-thru to load up on food and soda before
heading up to Lookout Point. Except they didn't go there to make out. They always headed to the end of the road, to
a spot near the edge of the cliff where no one would bother them. It was their hang out spot when they didn't
have dates on the weekend. Spike grinned
as he thought about what else they did there.
It might make the rest of the night a little easier.
to be continued…
