Chapter 11
Never before had Buffy seen Spike so angry. No, angry wasn’t right. He was beyond furious.
He hadn’t said a single word to her since one of the librarians caught them in the off limits office and asked them to leave. Not one word. Nothing except a nod toward the woman, and then he’d grabbed Buffy’s hand to lead her out of there. The grip was tight, but not enough to hurt. Buffy merely stumbled after him on the way back to the hotel.
Now he was alone in the bathroom. Buffy wasn’t sure what he was trying to accomplish by shutting her out. At random intervals, he would shout a curse word or he would kick something, in what she assumed was an effort to relieve his anger.
At first, she’d sat meekly on the bed, trying to think of way to soothe him, and hoping the gentler Spike would come out of the bathroom. She waited. And waited. The longer she sat though, the angrier she became. Finally, she stood up. Enough was enough.
“Spike, quit pouting,” Buffy shouted, pounding on the door. “Get your ass out here…now.”
No answer. Buffy leaned her ear against the door, listening to see if she could hear what he was doing. The door flew open. She stumbled forward against Spike, catching herself with her hands on his chest. They both froze, and she tilted her head to look up at him.
“You are a lying conniving bitch,” Spike sneered.
She was hurt by his words. His assumptions fueled her indignation at his words. “I have never lied to you.” She pushed Spike away from her so hard that he fell backwards onto the toilet seat. “I’ve been more honest than I ever wanted to be. I gave you everything.”
“Then you went and gave it to everyone else.” Spike stood, towering over her, but she refused to move. “I tried to love you.”
“Oh please,” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you tried so hard that you sent me away. You tell me to date other men, and then when I do, you act like some crazy jealous person.” She tasted a tear that she wasn’t even aware was falling. It wasn’t fair. He got to be happy and loved and she got nothing.
“You’re one to talk about being crazy…”
Buffy didn’t even think. She just slapped him with all the hurt she was feeling.
His head recoiled, but only for a moment. When he turned to face her again, she stepped back. Her hand covered her mouth. “I’m sorry.”
Spike grabbed her by her upper arms, backing her up against the wall. “Don’t ever hit me again. Next time I won’t let it go.” He leaned against her, pinning her to the wall.
“Let go of me,” Buffy demanded, struggling to get free. “You have no right.”
“And you don’t have a right to slap me. You’re the one who moved on,” he leaned close to her face. “You’re the one who found yourself a new boyfriend.”
“You said, ‘go, find someone else’. It didn’t seem like you cared too much, because you weren’t telling me not to do it.”
“I was trying to do the right thing.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have,” Buffy cried. She fought with him to get him to loosen his grip. He wouldn’t let go. She thrust her hips forward in a sudden shove hoping to knock him off balance.
“Stop it.” Spike pushed back with his own pelvis, forcing his erection into her belly as his upper body leaned against hers. It felt good. Like they were made to be together.
“Spike,” Buffy said, staring up at him for a second. They’d gone too far. All the walls they’d built between them were tumbling around them. “We should…this isn’t a good idea.”
“No, you don’t want me to do the right thing…remember.” He wrapped his arms around her middle, pulling her close as he took them the few steps to the bed. He laid her across the mattress, and following her down, he covered her body with his. Pressing her into the mattress.
Every feeling, thought, loyalty, and desire for this man coursed through her veins. Buffy couldn’t think of what was right or wrong. Spike was there. He wanted her despite everything they ever did to each other. She closed the minute gap between them. Their lips collided in a violent reunion. Their mouths opened, hungry for the other. They let tongues wrap around each other, chasing and playing as the memories led them into a sensual zone.
They didn’t say anything else. Buffy refused to think. For the first time in her life, she let the needs of her body lead her. Only Spike could bring such pleasure to her body because she trusted him so much. He was pushing up her skirt, fingers skimming over the apex of her thighs. She thrust up, wanting more than he was giving. Frustrated, she reached for the fastenings on his pants, opening them, and pushing them down. He pulled up enough for her to yank them down over his ass.
“Buffy?” Spike tugged on her panties, hesitating when she didn’t immediately respond.
She covered his hand with her own, helping him to remove them. When she was free of them, he reached for the box of condoms on the nightstand. Maybe it hadn’t really been a joke on her part. Maybe it had been a hope, or a prayer. Her eyes opened wide as he pulled out a foil packet. It was really going to happen.
The consequences filtered through her lust-laden brain. She wanted to ask if he loved her still. She needed to know if Fred was the woman of his dreams and the one he wanted to mother his children. If this was going to stop, she needed to do it now. Spike would listen.
“God, I’ve missed you, pet,” Spike whispered, rolling between her legs.
The man she loved was with her in this moment. Buffy knew she couldn’t deny it. Even if he married Fred after this, Spike still belonged to her, heart and soul. He had since the day he’d taken her out of that basement. No matter what else he did with his life, nothing would change the alignments of the universe that originally brought them together.
It was a foolish prayer when she’d returned to
“Bloody hell,” Spike muttered, jerking in her hand.
It was pure power as she guided him to the entrance of her womanhood. He hesitated. She could feel the change in him as the realization and the guilt finally reached through all of his other emotions. Buffy brought her legs up, letting him slide a little further inside. He groaned, still holding back, and she knew she couldn’t do this to him. She pushed him away, ignoring the confusion and hurt in his expression.
“I want you to stop.” Buffy said. Just as she knew he would, he backed away. She rolled over, curling away from him so she wouldn’t have to look at him. She ached from the loss.
Spike molded himself to her body, wrapping his arm around her middle. “I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.” He kissed her shoulder.
“No, it was me. You’re in love with another woman and I should have stopped you sooner. Things got out of control. It was wrong, so we stopped.”
“No, no,” Spike argued. He sighed, and then buried his face against her back so she barely heard his next words. “I don’t have any right to be, but I’m jealous of your relationship with Gunn.”
“I’m not in love with him.”
“You wanted to be.”
Buffy rolled over, forcing Spike back. “No, I didn’t.” She cupped his face. “I wanted to find out if I could love someone who wasn’t you.”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not. Besides, it doesn’t matter now. You’re engaged to Fred.”
“I don’t think it will happen now,” Spike laughed. “She won’t go through with it at this point. Not after I tell her about this.”
Buffy wanted to tell him not to say anything at all to Fred, but the truth always found a way to the light of day eventually. “Tell her that you stopped in time. Be honest. It was a mistake and that it was just loneliness that made you respond to me.”
“That’s not the truth though.”
“Fine, tell her that you were in a jealous fit over an innocent phone call, and you just had to prove you were the superior man by acting like some stupid primal beast by having sex with me.” Buffy started to roll over, but Spike wrapped her up in his arms. It still felt good. Too good.
“That’s not the truth either.”
Why couldn’t he just say what he meant? It was time for a little honesty and she decided to drop it on him like a bomb. “I haven’t had sexual intercourse with any man but you.”
Spike’s eyes widened. His mouth opened and closed as he tried to come up with something to say. Buffy felt a pique of satisfaction at the surprise in his expression. She poked her finger into his chest. “I don’t lie to you. I just haven’t told you everything because you didn’t want to hear it.” She waved her hand. “You just went off and got engaged.”
“You told Cordelia that you dated a bunch of guys in a couple of weeks.”
“You thought I was a whore?” Buffy pulled her skirt down as she tried to scoot away from this man she was about ready to beat. “How dare you?”
“Oh come on,” Spike stood, ignoring the condom on his softening cock as he pulled his pants back on. “What else was I supposed to think with you going out with everyone who asked you? You could have called and talked to me.”
“You’re an idiot,” Buffy huffed. “Why do you think I came back to
“I make you hot?”
“No, of course not. I was feeling nothing when I was trying to rip your zipper open.”
She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned against the headboard. The bed gave as Spike kneeled beside her. She afforded him only a slight glance before looking away. The damn man was going to drive her crazy. She was hurt, mad, and wanted him so much that it hurt even more, but she was determined not to give him the satisfaction of letting him know how she felt. No matter what he did, she wasn’t going to tell him how much she still loved him. That would be an open invitation for immense heartbreak as long as he was still pledged to Fred.
“I’m sorry for letting everything get so fucked up,” Spike said, laying down next to her and nestling his head on her stomach. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“It’s not just me. A lot of people are hurting.” Buffy caressed the blonde spikes still adorning his head. “Our friends don’t know what to do about this whole war between us.”
Spike sighed. “When this is over with, I’ll find a way to make this right.”
“I don’t know if you can. It might be too late.” For Buffy it was. Spike would do the honorable thing and go to Fred on his knees begging for forgiveness. She knew in her heart that Fred would take him back. Sometimes love didn’t conquer all like in the movies or television shows. But Spike was here with her now in a situation they might not come out of alive, and if they did, she wanted to make memories that would get her through. She slid down the bed, hooking a leg over his hip, pressing against him. “At least, I want it to be too late?”
There was a sadness in his eyes but she wasn’t sure why. Spike pulled her close to him, kissing her with a goodbye already in his touch. Yes, her heart wasn’t going to break but it was going to shatter into a thousand pieces when Spike left.
