Chapter 20
“That should do it,” Spike
said, stepping back to inspect their work.
After coming in from seeing
Gunn off with the Captain, Spike went into ‘securing the place’ mode. The mattress from one of the beds was wedged
against the large front window with the dresser holding it in place. ‘Just in case’ was his explanation. Buffy didn’t ask for more than that. She understood. She also understood why the other mattress
was lying on the floor instead of the bed.
The lower they were the better the chance they wouldn’t be hit by any
bullets if someone decided to shoot into their hotel room.
“Come eat,” Buffy said,
returning to the mattress to sit cross-legged in the middle. Their dinner was cold, but it was still food,
and all they had for the night. Feeling
ravenous, she stuffed a few French fries in her mouth, before unwrapping the
rest of her chicken sandwich.
The mattress dipped as Spike
sat across from her. He grabbed the bag
with his food in it. For the next few minutes,
they concentrated on eating, but Buffy could almost hear Spike thinking. He would pause almost as if he was going to
say something then shove more food into his mouth. After a few times of this she couldn’t take
anymore.
“Whatever you want to say,
just say it.”
“What are you talking
about?” Spike tried to appear innocent,
but it wasn’t working. He took another
bite, not saying anything, but then blurted, “If you wanted to go with Gunn, I
wouldn't…I mean you couldn't go, not now, but I'd understand if wanted to when
this is over."
Buffy looked up to see
piercing blue eyes studying her. She
shivered under the intensity of emotions that were darting between them. It was too much and she took a moment to pull
herself together by taking a bite of her sandwich. Being alone with Spike was making her nervous
despite having wanted Gunn to leave.
There was no place to hide and some of the comfortableness had worn off
leaving her feeling frayed. So much for
pushing for Spike to speak his mind because now she felt trapped by the heavy emotions
between them.
“I didn’t want to go,” she confessed,
after taking a sip of her soda. “What I
told him was the truth, and like you said, I need to see this through before I
do anything else. Plus I don’t want to
be in
“Okay,” Spike said, with a
quick nod.
Buffy could tell it was one
of those automatic responses people made when they didn’t know what else to
say. It wasn’t as if she was expecting
him to tell her that he didn’t want her in
“Did you want me to go?”
“No.”
It was silly, but she tucked
that ‘no’ into her heart. It wasn’t what
she wanted, but it was something letting her know that he didn’t want her to
disappear. She sighed, crinkling the
wrapper into a ball and shoving it into the French fry box. Plus it had been obvious he was jealous when
Gunn asked her to leave. She wondered
briefly what he would do if she told him she loved him. Probably make a lot of excuses for why it
wouldn’t work, that he was still engaged to Fred, and a thousand other reasons
to push her away. Just like always. Just like it had always been.
“You all right?” Spike asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She forced a smile and lied, “I was just
dreaming about a decent hot dinner.”
“I could do with a spot of
good food,” Spike said. “Anything that
doesn’t come from a drive-thru. Hmm, a
good home cooked meal would hit the spot.”
Ignoring the fact he was
probably talking about Fred’s cooking, Buffy tried to joke. “Just not my home cooking, right?”
“You’re not that bad…,”
Spike paused, then chuckled. “Okay, yeah
you are.”
“Hey, it kept you fed plenty
of times.”
“Yes, it did.”
A smile passed between them
that spoke of their shared memories. The
moment helped Buffy to relax. She
stretched out on her side with her head propped in her hand. Spike was still eating his hamburger even
though it had to be congealed grease by then.
“When we get through this,
I’ll treat you to a decent dinner,” Buffy said.
“After all, it’s my fault that you’re in this mess.”
“Not going to argue with
you,” Spike said. He patted his
stomach. “’Fraid I’m going to pay for
this burger later.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t say that. Not your fault. Not really.
I chose the burger place.”
“Not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant, pet." He signed.
"I chose to answer the phone.
If I didn’t want to talk to you or help then I wouldn’t have picked up
the phone.”
His casual remark brought
her to full attention. It was something
she’d never considered before. Despite
the distance and time between them, he still picked up the phone when she
called. Spike never wrote her off. Whether it was a feeling of duty, guilt or
maybe something else, Spike still answered when she reached out to him. Apparently, he didn’t realize what he said
because he continued to brush the crumbs off his jeans and clean up after their
dinner. She put her hand over his before
she could stop herself.
“I appreciate you being
there for me,” Buffy said. “It means a
lot to me.”
The bag of trash was thrown
in the general direction of the trashcan. It landed on the floor. “I know.”
He shook his head as if in defeat.
“You mean a lot to me. Guess I’m
just a fool.”
Startled, Buffy asked,
"Why do you think you're a fool?
Because you still care about me?
Is that a bad thing?"
"No, I wouldn't say
it’s a bad thing," Spike said as if he was picking each word with careful
precision.
As if he was trying not to
start a fight. He shouldn't have
bothered because she wasn't getting mad, just curious and very hopeful that he
would tell her that he loved her. Too
hopeful because she was sure it was going to just add to her heartbreak when
they went back to their own lives.
"What would you say it
was?"
"Let it go. It was just an expression."
"No, I won't let it
go. You just said that you thought it
was a stupid move to answer the phone when I called."
"That's not what I
meant," Spike said. "I said
and I meant that I'm a fool for always being there for you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"No," Buffy said,
over a lump in her throat. "I
wanted to hear you tell me that you…forget it."
"You wanted me to tell
you that I care about you. After everything…you
still want me to be there when you're lonely or need help. Well, like I said, I guess I'm that
fool."
"Oh god," Buffy
covered her mouth with her hand.
"You make me sound so cold and selfish when you're the only one who
ever made me feel safe." She turned
her head away. "When I'm away from
you I feel so alone. Like I’m just
falling through space with no place to land."
"Buffy," Spike
said, reaching for her, but she scooted back.
"Don't touch me. I can't stand to be pitied. Especially not by you."
She was against the wall and
had nowhere to go when he wrapped his arms around her. She tried to stay stiff against him, but
couldn't. Not when he was holding her
with arms that would hold the world away.
He tucked her head under his chin, rocking them, until she gave in,
melting into him.
"I have never pitied
you. I've hurt for you, and with you,
but never have I thought you needed pity."
"I gave you all my
secrets the other night," Buffy sniffled.
"I told you everything, about why I came back to
"Oh lamb, I want to
tell you everything, but…"
"You belong to someone
else." Buffy pulled away. She crawled off the edge of the bed. "Yeah, don't let me forget that. Fred is here with us." She rubbed her face trying to erase what she
knew was tear ravaged. She held a hand
up. "You'll come running when I
need help. Answer the phone when I call,
hell you'll even have sex with me when you think I might turn to another man,
but please, don't let me forget that you're engaged." She ignored the fact that her voice was
rising. Sounding more hysterical with
each word. She didn't care. "I'm the fool, isn't that right? Because
as long as you know I love you, and you're the only man in my life, you're nice
to me, but just as soon as I creep even a little bit away, you're going to do
something to hurt me. Pull me back in
with sex to ease my loneliness or fear, or even get engaged to someone who will
never love you as much as I do. Anything
as long as you don't have to commit to me.
Do you have any idea of how much you hurt me? Do you?"
"Is that what you
really think? That I can be that
cruel?"
"You are that
cruel!"
"I would never hurt
you…"
"You already
have," Buffy sat back on her haunches.
She whispered, not sure if she was saying it to herself or to him,
"You've hurt me more than he ever did."
"How? How can you say that? All I've ever done is try to take care of you. To keep you safe. Hell, I let you go so that you could have a
chance on that fucking normal life everyone thought you should have."
Buffy looked up at him. "All I ever wanted was for you to love
me."
~~~~~
Wesley pressed his ear
against Fred’s bedroom door. The shower
was running. Hopefully, she would be
taking a long one. He slipped back into
the other bedroom, shutting the door behind him. After sitting on the edge of the bed, he
dialed a number that wasn’t in his phone.
It was one he’d memorized. No one
could know whom he was calling.
“Hello cowboy,” a husky
feminine voice answered. “How’s the
babysitting going?”
“It’s going fine, Lilah.”
“Not getting any funny ideas
being all alone with that
Wesley laughed. He’d almost forgotten how intuitive Lilah
could be about things. Plus, she was
possessive as hell.
“Don’t be silly. She’s not half the woman you are.”
“Just as long as you
remember…” Lilah said, almost purring.
“No way I could ever
forget.”
No reason to worry when it
came to Lilah. She was still under his
thumb. Just like he needed her to be so
he could get on with business. It was
time to end all the charades.
~~~~~
Her words were
devastating. Spike buried his face in
his hands as he felt his soul rip apart.
There was nothing he wouldn't do for Buffy. Including die. That would be easier than dealing with this
relationship shit. Nothing had been the
same since he found her that afternoon so long ago. Pieces of him kept falling away. He wondered if he looked in the mirror if the
bruises he felt on his heart would appear on his body. Did she have any idea of how much she'd just
beaten him into the ground? He wasn't
and never would be Lance Peterson? Did
it matter because was there anything left of him?
"I'm sorry."
It was stupid, trite and
totally out of place, but he didn't know what else to say. How could he put everything he was feeling
into words? There was no way he could.
"Don't worry when this
is over you'll never have to see me again.
I'll never call you."
Never before had he heard
her sound so angry. Lost. Frightened.
Determined, but never such fury.
He should be relieved. Anger was
a good emotion. It would move her to
build her own life. To find a man more
suited to give her everything that he never could. To give her everything she deserved. So why did he feel so abandoned?
Just like he did when he
found out the truth about his father, when he watched his mother die, and like
the day Buffy got on a plane to
"I…I can't say what I
want to say." Spike shook his
head. "I made a promise to
Fred. Maybe it isn't right. Maybe I did it to hurt you. Maybe I did it because I do love her. I don't know much of anything right now. But I do know that I'm living with her. She wears the ring I picked out for her. She's counting on me to come back to
her. I’m sorry, Buffy. I have to go back to her before…I do anything
else. Can you understand that?"
"Yes, be
honorable. Stick to your word." Buffy laughed. "Unlike your promises to me. Guess that tells me everything I need to
know."
Buffy started to turn away,
but he grabbed her wrist. He went to his
knees as if he was praying. "I'm
here. I left her and our home to come to
you when you called. Doesn't that tell
you anything? When you told me your
secrets, I told you that I would figure out a way to make this right; can you trust
me a little longer?"
"Why should I? You said…"
"That I will always be
a fool for you. Not that it was a
mistake. Not that I didn't want to
come…not that I regretted answering the phone.
Only that you have a power over me that I can't control."
"I don't want to have a
power over you," Buffy said, dropping to her knees so they were face to
face. "I don't want you to have
power over me." She cupped his
cheek. "I want us to be equals, and
I don't think you'll ever see me that way.
You'll always find an excuse to push me away."
"That's not true,"
Spike protested despite the twinge of guilt that told him she was right. She was Buffy. She was his to protect, to take care of and
to make sure she was safe despite it being a wanted burden. Did he really want to keep her away so that
he wouldn't fail her? Like he had with
so many other relationships in his past.
Like he was failing with Fred.
"Yes, it is,"
Buffy said. "Maybe one day I can
show you that I'm not your someone to save, and maybe then you'll stop trying
to fight what you know is the truth."
And it was that truth that scared him so much.
