Chapter 4
Buffy took another bite of
her fast food hamburger, sinking a little further back into the deep cushions
of the loveseat she was occupying. She
was feeling out of place, and a little left out as she watched the others joke
around. A part of her couldn’t
understand how they could be laughing at a time like this, while another part
understood the need to let go of the thick tension that had occupied the
earlier ride to the safe house.
Lorne and Kate, who’d been
assigned to watch them, were curled up beside each other on the couch. Spike was in the chair beside them while
Cassie was sitting cross-legged on the floor between them. The three friends had accepted the troubled
young woman as part of them, and Cassie was animatedly talking to them about
some movie they’d all seen. Buffy hadn’t
seen it, so it gave her the excuse to remain silent.
Until the Narcotics Unit and
the DEA wrapped up the situation with Luke, they would all be living together. Thankfully, the house where they were was large
enough for them to manage some privacy.
Buffy didn’t think she could have been able to stand it if there
wasn’t. After a tour of the gated house
near
Besides the usual rooms
there were also a den and a solarium overlooking the backyard. The house belonged to a family member of a
member of the LA police force. It had
stood empty for almost a month during negotiations for a sale that never went
through. Captain Roberts had arranged to
‘borrow’ the place under the guise of Lorne and Kate renting it. The owners were currently living in
Another burst of laughter
made her look up, and she found Spike staring at her with concern in those blue
depths. She smiled, hopefully, as if she
didn’t have a care in the world before leaning forward to grab a few more
fries. She wasn’t going to let him see
any weakness. Pity was the last thing
she wanted. Besides she was still upset
about Spike’s earlier anger over her taking birth control pills.
His reaction was similar to
when she’d told him that she’d met someone else…
It was almost two years after she’d left
It had taken her until Sunday to say something to
him. They were walking along the beach,
holding hands and talking about general things when she finally garnered the
courage.
“Spike…I met someone,” she stopped so she could look
into his eyes. They wouldn’t lie to her,
but he was looking somewhere over her head.
“He wants to…get serious and I don’t know if I want to…”
He took her face in his hands to stare deep into her
eyes. “It sounds like you want to find
out.” His thumbs gently stroked her
cheeks, making her want to cry with the love she felt in his touch. “Isn’t that one of the reasons you moved
away? So, you could find out who you are
by yourself…and who you might be with someone else.”
“It hurts, Spike, I love you so much…but I like
him. He’s good to me…”
“Find out, Buffy.”
He’d said all the right things. Been the perfect friend. Given all the right support, but her decision
to take that chance was met with a slow simmering anger Spike refused to
discuss. When she ran into him at
Angel’s house a couple of months later, he was even more distant despite the
fact her new relationship hadn’t worked out.
Then he was gone. Not answering
the phone when she called, leaving her in a confused mire of loneliness and heartache.
Blinking, Buffy looked
around the room at the people gathered there.
Suddenly the room wasn’t big enough, and she scrambled out of the loveseat. She gathered her food wrappings before
hurrying to the kitchen to quickly dump them in the garbage pail.
“Breathe, Buffy, breathe,”
she muttered to herself as she leaned against the counter. She was shaking, and she didn’t have anything
to counteract the panic attack that was coming on swiftly. She dropped to her knees as she forced
herself to breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth.
“Are you okay?” Kate asked, kneeling next to her on the
floor. She rubbed Buffy’s back. “Keep breathing. It’s all okay…you’re safe. We won’t let anything happen to you.”
“I’m fine.” Her nails were digging into the palm of her
hands, but Buffy refused to let go. The
pain was helping to ground her as much as the breathing.
There was the sound of other
footsteps rushing into the kitchen. They
were all there staring at the sight of her being her usual weak self. It made her want to scream at them that she’d
been handling everything in her life just fine until today. Why was Spike here? Why did he have to hate her for wanting to be
alive? To feel? A sob escaped from deep within her soul,
making her ashamed of loss of control.
Then there were other hands
holding on to her, stroking her hair. New
hands, but they were kind, letting her know she was safe. “I’m sorry for coming to you.”
The pain and fear in those
few words were enough to bring Buffy out of her own misery. She took a deep breath before pulling herself
to a sitting position. Glancing around
the room, Buffy changed positions so that she was leaning against the
cabinets. “I’m okay.”
“You keep saying that
sweetness.” Lorne commented. He gave her a smile that let her know she was
loved no matter what her faults. It gave
her strength. “You sure?”
“This time I mean it.” She shook her head. “I haven’t…”
“You don’t need to explain,”
Kate said, with a smile. “It’s been a
rough day…and you’ve…”
“Don’t.” Buffy held her hand up. “I don’t need excuses to fall apart.” She chuckled, meeting Spike’s gaze for a mere
second. “Thank you…all for being here
for me.” She clasped Cassie’s hand. “Don’t apologize. I’m just glad I was there.”
“You and that truck,” Cassie
grinned. “Now, that was some cool
maneuvering.”
“Taught her everything she
knows about defensive driving,” Spike said.
“She’s hell on wheels.”
“Buffy is just a wild
thing.” Kate kidded. “Now, come on, let’s go hit the Pay-per-view
channels and see if we can find something funny to watch. I think we all need to unwind for awhile.”
It was exactly the perfect
way to end the ‘worry about Buffy’ moment they were trapped in. Lorne came over to help them off the floor,
leaving Buffy for last so he could pull her into a strong hug. It felt good.
And safe. Lorne had become a good
friend over the years. One that never
judged, and never crossed the line.
“Thanks,” she whispered.
“You just keep it together,
girl, we need you.”
Buffy didn’t respond. Just held him a little tighter and wished she
could have some second chances to make things right.
~~~~~~~
Spike was worried about
her. After her panic attack earlier,
Buffy had seemingly changed personalities.
She smiled, laughed at the movie, and made all the right comments at the
right time. He knew she was putting on a
brave front. Trying to be okay in a
situation where few people would feel safe.
After rummaging through his
duffel bag to find something for her to sleep in, he hurried down the
hall.
“Buffy,” he called through
the door after giving a knock. “May I
come in?”
“Yes.”
He wasn’t sure what he’d
find, but he wasn’t expecting to see her sitting on the bed with an open
notebook in front of her. “I grabbed my
duffel bag from my locker. “ He held out
the t-shirt and boxers toward her.
“Thought you might like something to sleep in.”
She blinked. “Are you giving them to everyone or just
me?” One eyebrow arched as she leaned
against the headboard. Her arms crossed
defiantly in front of her.
Sighing, he tossed the
clothes on the end of the bed. “Look,
Buffy, I know that you…don’t like to just sleep in…with other people around…and
I was trying to be nice. Obviously that
isn’t allowed anymore.”
“Oh, there are rules
now? I guess you formed those about the time
you stopped talking to me.”
“I stopped talking to
you?” He pointed toward himself, and
laughed. “Now that’s rich. You’re the one who decided to run off and
play with half the male population in
He heard her climb off the
bed, and automatically took a step back.
When he opened his eyes, he saw a fire in her eyes that he hadn’t seen
in a very long time. It was life,
burning a blaze that was making her slender body tremble.
“You think I’m a slut?” Buffy asked, standing so close that she had
to crane her neck back just so she could look up at him. “I go out with another man, who you
encouraged me to see, and now you think I’m sleeping with every man I meet.”
Well yeah…but he couldn’t
say that, even though he had his reasons.
It had been one of those days at work. Days when it seemed that there was very
little humanity left in people. Spike
was feeling discouraged. He needed
someone and there wasn’t anyone at home.
So, he headed to Angel’s house to see if he could get a little dinner
and family time so he wouldn’t be alone.
When he’d gotten out of his car, he’d heard voices in the back so he
headed that way. A smile lit up his face
when he heard Buffy’s voice. Maybe she
was coming back. He could only hope, but
then it was dashed away.
“Just how many men have you gone out with in the last
month?” Cordelia was asking with
surprise in her voice...
“Ten,” Buffy said.
“Oh, god, Cordelia…what the hell am I doing?”
“That’s something you’ll have to answer. I can’t do it for you.”
“All I want to do is feel…something…anything.”
Spike didn’t wait around to hear anymore. He didn’t even want to go into the
house. A part of him told him that he
should talk to her, find out exactly what was going on and if she was all right. But she had friends, which were his family,
to lean on and help her out. She didn’t
need him, and from the sound of it, she didn’t want him either.
As he was climbing into his car, Angel pulled in
behind him, blocking his exit. Somehow
he’d endured the night with her around, but he kept his vow, and let her go.
Spike ran his hand over his
face. Anything to block out the anger in
her eyes. “No, I don’t think you’re a
slut, Buffy.” It was the truth. She had reasons if she was sleeping with
other men. It just hurt that she didn’t
want him.
“Yes, you do.” She
shrugged. “Do whatever. Just stay the hell out of my way.”
“You’re the one who called
me this afternoon. Remember? The only time you want me around is when you
need something.”
“Take your damn clothes,”
she grabbed them off the bed to throw at him.
“And get out.”
“Fine and next time you call
I won’t bloody answer.”
“Well, don’t worry I won’t
call you if I’m dying in the street…”
Suddenly, it came rushing
back to him. An image from earlier of
Buffy in danger when the bullets were whizzing around them was more real than
anything around him…including the furious woman he wasn’t sure he knew.
“Don’t ever say that.” Somehow he found his hands tangled in her
hair and his forehead pressed to hers.
“I couldn’t stand it if you weren’t in this world.” He kissed the corner of her mouth, and then
left before he’d do something they’d both regret.
to be continued…
