Chapter 5
Time wasn’t moving fast
enough for Buffy. Sighing, she glanced
at the clock again. It was only fifteen
minutes later than it was before.
Rolling over, she buried her face in the pillow while once again wishing
she were home in her apartment. Not only
home, but in her own bed with the down comforter, the big fluffy pillows that
always surrounded her and the nightlight giving a reassuring glow throughout
the room. The unfamiliar noises coming
from both outside and inside the house along with the sounds of other people
moving around close by made her jump with each jarring cough, laugh or even the
subtle rhythm of their voices. It made
it hard to sleep any place other than her bed.
Eventually she was going to
have to make an appearance downstairs or even stick her nose of her room so
they would know she was all right. Right
now, though she would rather hide as long as possible. Not because she didn’t like the people she was
sequestered with, but rather that she wanted to avoid one person. Spike.
Along with all the confusing emotions he brought to her heart and
mind. It was wrong for her to want him
still. Yet her body only needed to be
close to him to have it jumpstart into a warm sensual haze. She loved him. No matter how much she tried, it couldn’t be
avoided. Unlike her overwhelming
feelings, Spike on the other hand, would be avoided as much as possible.
A gentle knock on the door
made her flop over on her back so she could peek at the door from under the
scratchy material someone called sheets.
“Yes,” she called out softly, hoping she’d been mistaken.
“Buffy, can I come in?”
It was Cassie. At first Buffy felt disappointment that Spike
wasn’t there to check up on her. Then
there was relief that she didn’t have to face him after that declaration last
night. What did a girl say to a man she
desperately wanted when he was engaged to another woman but was giving you
signals that he wanted you, too? Nothing
that would bring about any good, so it all came back to avoidance. Cassie knocking on the door granted her a
little more time of being able to avoid everyone else.
“Sure.” Buffy scooted up so that she was sitting with
her back against the headboard. Cassie
stepped through the door with a shy smile.
A steaming mug in her hands sent the rich scent of coffee toward
Buffy. She grinned. “I hope that’s for me.”
“I wasn’t sure how you took
it, but the others told me. I hope that
you like it.”
“I’m sure I will.” Buffy took the mug, holding it under her nose
for a moment before taking a sip. “Mmmh,
perfect. Thank you.” When she realized that Cassie was waiting for
something, Buffy patted the bed next to her.
“Sit…if you want.”
“Thanks.”
For a couple of minutes
there was silence between the two girls.
Buffy drank her coffee, while Cassie played with the corner of the
bedspread. Folding it, and then
unfolding it.
“What’s everyone doing?”
It wasn’t what either of
them wanted to talk about, but Buffy knew it was a beginning. Something easy until one of them got the nerve
up to say what was truly on their mind.
“All worrying about
you.” Cassie met Buffy’s eyes for a
brief second before looking back at her hands still playing with the
bedclothes. “Spike keeps pacing and
glancing at the ceiling. Kate tells him
to calm down, but then she gets this scrunched up face. Lorne keeps telling everyone to leave the Cupcake
alone; she’ll come down when she’s ready.”
Buffy laughed, but quickly
sobered. She rubbed her forehead. Worrying them wasn’t her intention, but a
part of her knew that they would. They
always did. “I shouldn’t have stayed up
here. I just wanted to, well, hide. From all of it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.” Buffy squeezed Cassie’s shoulder. “I’m just not really good at dealing with
quick changes in my life. As my
therapist would say, I like very solid, very high boundaries. Jumping off the cliff is not my thing. It’s the way I mess things up.” Like my
relationship with Spike. Except that
wasn’t jumping off the cliff. That was a
carefully calculated move that had escalated to the point where she jumped off
the cliff. By the time she’d hit bottom,
she’d lost what meant the most to her in the world.
“I know that feeling.” Cassie said, flashing a rare smile. “All I wanted was to be loved, and jumped at
the first guy who said I was the best thing in the world, and now look at me.”
“You’re doing the right
thing now.”
Cassie shrugged. “Am I?
All I wanted was to run away.
Like you said, hide, but instead I get you and your friends involved.”
“He would have found you if
you’d try to run on your own.”
“Probably.” Cassie shifted on the bed so that she was
looking toward Buffy. “No, he would have
and I would be dead.” Tears welled up in
her eyes. “I don’t think he ever loved
me. I was just someone for him to play
with until things got difficult.”
“I know its cliché, but
you’re better off without him. Once this
is over you’ll be able to start a new life, and find someone who’ll love you
the way you deserve.”
“I guess.” Cassie shrugged. “I should feel lucky. Some people don’t get that chance. Like that guy Luke killed. He’s never going to be able to do anything
again.”
“You’re right.” She was, and Buffy knew it. Buffy also knew that she should be grateful
that at least she’d been really loved at one time. Few got that chance. “We should feel lucky. It is a shame that some people just blow
their chances.” Like me. She sighed
softly. “At least his death will be
avenged.”
“Oh, please,” Cassie
scoffed. “The cops are after my
boyfriend’s bosses. They couldn’t care
less about the guy who was murdered.
They think he deserved what he got.”
“The cops have all the
information you gave them on him. I’m
sure they’re going to find out what happened.”
Cassie emphatically shook her
head. “No, they won’t. When they questioned me, it was all about
Luke and his bosses. They finally hope
they have a lead on who is bringing the drugs into the country that the poor
boy is forgotten in the plan for a big bust.”
“He was a drug dealer, Cassie.” Buffy reminded the girl beside her. “Lots of people were hurt by him, too. Possibly even died. Does he really deserve a lot of attention
when they can stop the people who gave him the drugs in the first place?”
“At some point in his life,
he was important to someone. Someone who
might still be waiting for him to get clean and come home. They’ll be waiting forever if nobody gives a
damn. Is it fair to them?”
No, it wasn’t. Just like it wasn’t fair to forget about
Faith. Unwittingly, Cassie had used the
one point that Buffy wouldn’t be able to resist. She sighed as she pushed her hair out of her
face. The decision was made. The cops could handle the big criminals, but
it seemed like Buffy was going to be finding out about the murdered boy. Now, all she had to do was convince Spike to
help her. It was only with his help and
connections that she had any chance of getting to the truth. She took a long drink of her now cool coffee
as she tried to decide how to approach him.
~~~~~~
Buffy had all of Spike’s
attention even though she was nowhere in sight.
Since the night before when he’d foolishly put his heart on the line,
she’d been consuming his every thought.
He wanted to talk to her, to find out where he stood, to find out if she
gave a damn and it wasn’t just a one-way obsession.
Guilt bombarded him on every
side. Reminding him that he had a
fiancée waiting for him, and that he shouldn’t be thinking about Buffy. Or remembering the way she felt or her smile
or even her innocent questions as she fumbled her way back into life. The whole situation was fucked up. Just like he was.
Despite all the women he
once paraded through his life, the relationships that failed all around him and
all his protestations to the contrary, Spike wanted to be loved. From the time he knew his father wouldn’t,
and his mother couldn’t, he’d felt less than worthy of it. It was only Angel and Cordelia’s steady
support in his life that gave him that thread to hang onto for the hope of
finding someone. Now, he had
someone.
True, in the beginning, Fred
had just been like the others. A friend
with benefits and no talk of a future before they drifted apart. Then Buffy had changed his world, his life,
made him believe for the first time and then broke his heart. It was just like before, except this time
Fred had been more than a friend. She’d
loved him, and he wanted to love her like she should be with all of his heart. An innocent in his stupid fumbling attempts
to repair his shattered ego was only going to end up hurt.
Laying his head on the back
of the chair, he tossed the book he’d tried to read on the floor. It wasn’t going to work. He wasn’t going to be distracted by it or
anything else in this house. Not until
he saw Buffy again. Maybe he’d see the
distaste in her eyes when she looked at him.
It would help because if she did then he could call himself all sorts of
a fool for caring when he shouldn’t. Not
when she stopped loving him a long time ago.
Why did he answer his phone
when Buffy called? Why couldn’t he let
go of her? It was what they’d both
agreed to once, but now she was in his life full force again. Being with her should only remind him of all
the reasons they couldn’t work. It
should make him realize that he needed a grown woman who knew what she
wanted. Yet, it didn’t.
“Spike?”
He jerked his head up as
Buffy stepped into the room. She was freshly
showered. Her damp hair tumbled over her
shoulders in abandoned sensuality. The
scent of her shampoo teased his nostrils with its sweetness. It was one thing that was always Buffy to
him. The varied fragrances of her bath
time rituals always left him wanting to bury his face against the softness of
her skin. He inhaled deeply, deciding
that this time it was melon mixed with something else, making him imagine long
lazy summer days lying in the sun with her beside him.
“You okay?” She asked, coming to sit on the ottoman by
his feet.
“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.” He shook his head trying to dispel the
wayward thoughts that would only lead to trouble for both of them. “What’s up?”
“I need your help.”
A warning bell went off in
his mind at the frightened, yet steely expression on her face. Just like the first time she walked into the
squad room. He knew it was going to be
something he wouldn’t want to do or it was going to embroil them in a situation
they should leave well enough alone.
“With what?”
Sighing, he knew his heart
had betrayed him. Because if he was
smart, he would say no, and keep saying no, but for some reason he sat
there. Waiting like a dog for a treat
from his master. Or someone waiting for
an excuse to engage in activities that he shouldn’t. Buffy was temptation all by herself. So, how could he resist her, much less any of
her schemes?
“I’ve been talking to
Cassie.” She looked at him from under
her lashes with her hair framing her face in delicate golden strands. The ethereal vision she made hit him in the
stomach with all the love he’d been denying.
Gripping his knees with white knuckled hands, he waited for her to
continue. He was afraid if he opened his
mouth, he’d end up on his knees begging her to love him again. “She’s worried that the man who Luke murdered
will remain a John Doe. No one should
end up like that.”
“Buffy, this is something the
police will handle.” He said with all
the patience that he would when explaining things to his nephew, Connor. “The only thing you need to worry about is
getting through all of this, and getting home safely.”
“Bullshit, Spike.” Buffy tossed her hair back while her eyes
danced with a blaze of determination.
Her outright curse was unexpected, surprising him with its vehemence. Despite his heart, it reminded him that he
didn’t really know this version of the girl who changed his life. “No one is going to care. They want to bust the big guys not solve the
one little murder of an addict. You’re a
cop. You know I’m right.”
“Maybe, you are, but it’s
not your concern. Peterson was locked up
when you searched for Faith. These guys
aren’t. They’ll kill you without a
second thought if you’re lucky. If
you’re not then you’ll wish you were.”
“Not anymore, Spike.” She quieted, staring into his eyes, capturing
his attention with their intensity. “I
lived through hell before. So, don’t try
to scare me…or patronize me. A little
computer searching won’t hurt anyone.
That’s all I want to do. Someone
has to care that he’s gone.”
“And if no one does?”
“Then I do.”
If she did, then he
did. Spike hung his head. He shouldn’t help her with this crazy idea,
but it was Buffy. With a nod, he
whispered, “Okay. I’ll help.” He glanced up at her waiting for a smug
expression of triumph, but instead was surprised. She was smiling. A full one that highlighted
the twinkle of delight dancing from her eyes. Oh, she was triumphant all right, but it
seemed that it surprised her that she was able to do it. He found himself grinning back and shaking
his head at the wonder of Buffy coming even more into her own. No matter what he thought he wanted, or what
was right, his heart was making up its own mind.
To be continued…
