Chapter 18 - The Truthful Heart
Every bit
of hurt and anger Spike had ever swallowed flooded his system. He could have
sworn that if he unclenched his fists, his fury would shoot out in blinding
flashes from his fingertips. Spike had begun to believe he’d found a place to
belong. In this group of myriad personalities he’d felt he could finally be
himself. He’d thought that Angel would be his friend. And if the pain that was centered
in his chest was to be believed then somehow he’d started to let Buffy creep
into his heart.
Only it had
all been a lie.
Buffy’s
hands clutched at his sides. Her face was a mask of fear as she looked up at
him, but all he saw was Drusilla telling him that she needed to find her
pleasures. Never mind that they were at a party surrounded by their friends and
he had been sitting on the other side of the wall from her activities. Women
were treacherous liars who were only out to drain a man dry of his emotions
before moving on.
“Spike, it
wasn’t what you’re thinking,” Buffy declared. “We were just talking about…”
“I don’t
want to hear your excuses,” Spike said. His eyes flickered to Angel. “It was
obvious what you were doing.”
“Do you
care?” Angel asked. “You’re the one that said no commitments and that you’d
never love her. At least I’m man enough to admit…”
The table
holding their drinks crashed to the floor as Spike launched himself at Angel. His
words had broken the damn holding back Spike’s rage. A part of him had been hoping
that there was an explanation that would make everything go back to the way it
was, but Angel’s words had issued a challenge Spike was more than willing to
accept.
There was
the satisfying sound of fist upon flesh as his emotions rained down on the man
beneath him. He could hear Buffy’s
tearful screams for him to stop. It only made him angrier because they fell
from the lips that had been so willingly pressed to Angel’s. The two men rolled
as Angel gained the upper hand but Spike kicked out forcing Angel back. Hands
clutched at him, dragging him up then holding him in place as he snarled his
frustration.
Buffy ran
to Angel’s side, helping him to stand and checking to see how much damage Spike
had inflicted. The concern radiating on her face caused Spike’s stomach to churn.
With dismay he realized that he was jealous of the attention she was giving to
Angel. It only magnified his own feelings of unworthiness within his own heart.
Spike shook
off Xander and Wesley who were still holding him. He didn’t need to be here.
Hell, he wasn’t even wanted here. He turned on his heel to leave when a small
hand curved around his arm.
“What were
you thinking?” Buffy asked, tears streamed down her face. “It was nothing. A
good-bye kiss between two old friends and you…you had no right to jump Angel
over it.”
“I had no
right?” Spike scoffed, trying not to care. “Did you have to go to him to finish
what I started?”
Buffy
slapped him. “How dare you? I’m sick of this. I’m tired of always worrying
about how you feel and how to make you happy.”
“Then
don’t,” Spike said. “You don’t ever have to think about me again if you don’t
want to.”
He tried to
leave but she was still holding his arm. Her tears had turned to sobbing that
shook him to his core. All he did was hurt her. She was right. And once again
he was wrong. He turned back to her, sighing, as he stared at her bent head.
“Buffy, let
me go. It’s for the best. You know it and I know it.”
Her hand
dropped from his arm and he took a look around at the faces of the people he’d
hoped would be his friends. They all looked uncomfortable as they either returned
his glare or glanced around him. It was obvious that they all felt the same as
Buffy. His gaze returned to the girl that was causing him so much uncertainty.
Her arms had crossed while her head was still bowed. They were quieter now but
the sounds of her crying were still audible. He wanted to pull her close and
tell her that everything would be okay. He wanted to tell her that he would stay
with her forever but he couldn’t. Even he could hear the doors being slammed in
his heart at the mere temptation of making her dreams come true.
He stepped
closer but Angel blocked him. “Let’s go talk, Spike.”
His anger
was fading into confusion. He nodded his head and waited as Angel whispered
something to Buffy. She looked up at Spike pinning him with guilt for not being
able to give her what she needed. His eyes closed as he looked away.
Thankfully, Angel walked by him and without saying a word to Buffy, Spike
followed him.
~~~~~~~~~
It had
started out to be such a good time but it had disintegrated into emotional
turmoil. Buffy watched Spike walk away
from her. She realized that kissing Angel at this point was probably wrong but
it had been a natural development in their conversation. It had clearly shown her which man held her
heart. She sighed as she tried to reconcile to the fact that it wasn’t getting
any easier between Spike and her. He kept telling her that he wasn’t the right
one for her. For the first time doubts began to creep in that maybe they could
never make it work between them.
“Are you
all right?”
“Not
really,” Buffy said, wiping tears from her face. “I just wish that I could make
him understand.”
“Understand
what?” Faith asked, crossing her arms and glaring at Buffy. “Understand that he
will always have to share you with Angel?”
“I don’t
think recriminations are going to help at this point,” Wesley said. “It’s just that
Buffy and Angel have such a deep relationship that the lines are going to blur every
once in awhile. It doesn’t affect the outcome of the day but to those outside
of our circle it’s not going to be understood.”
“Right,”
Anya agreed. “What the educated man said.”
“It still
doesn’t help Spike become closer to Buffy,”
“And I blew
it big time,” Buffy said. “He’s never going to let this go.”
“You don’t
know that,”
Buffy
looked in the direction that two of the most important men of her life had
gone. She had no idea what Angel was going to say to Spike but she hoped it
wouldn’t tear them further apart. All she wanted was to be lying in Spike’s
arms back in their motel room. It was so much easier when they were alone and
didn’t have to deal with other people and circumstances. She understood though,
that they had to be able to make it in all situations not just the best of
them.
“I’m going
to go back to the motel,” Buffy said. “I just want to be alone for awhile.”
“Yeah, I think the party is pretty much over,”
Xander said.
“Would you
like a ride?” Wesley asked. “It’s on the way back to my place.”
“That’ll be
great,” Buffy said, accepting his offer. She turned to Faith glad for the
opportunity to save maybe part of the night. “Since Spike is all jealousy why
don’t you ride along so Wes and I aren’t alone?”
Buffy
enjoyed the stunned look on Faith’s face as she glanced between her and Wesley.
She gave the other girl her most innocent smile knowing that Faith really
couldn’t refuse the offer. Faith was the first to criticize Buffy for
inappropriate behavior so unless she was ready to retract her earlier
accusations she had to accompany the two.
“Let’s go,”
Faith said, plastering on a smile that was obviously fake. “Let’s get little
Buffy home before she hurts herself anymore.”
Buffy
decided to ignore the insult and instead turned to say good night to her
friends. She accepted their hugs and their encouragement with a reluctance to
hope too much. Whatever the outcome of the night she knew that things had
changed permanently between her and Spike if for no other reason then the
reservations that her own heart was forming. She followed Wesley and Faith from
the Bronze with her fingers sliding along the smooth surface of the locket
Spike had given her. If only he could see how good their love could be if given
the chance. She made a silent wish as she slid into the back of Wesley’s car
that someone would nudge Spike’s heart in her direction.
~~~~~~~~
Spike stared
at the shot glass filled with whiskey in front of him. He chuckled as he
thought of the contradiction between him and Buffy. He was rough like the
liquor in front of him while she was more of a sweet blush wine. To him it was
just another sign that they would never work. He looked at Angel from under his
lids unwilling to be the one to start the conversation. Angel had taken him
here to this dive of a bar because he’d wanted to talk so let him start it. He
slammed the whiskey enjoying the burn as it made its way into his stomach.
“You need
to make a decision,” Angel said, refilling Spike’s glass from the bottle
sitting between them. “She’s going to end up hurt if you really can’t love
her.”
“Seems like
she was doing just fine without me,” Spike said. His finger traced the rim of
his glass, as he tried to revive the dying anger at seeing Buffy kiss the man
across from him. Once his tattered emotions had separated them from Drusilla and
her string of boy toys his outrage had faded. The circumstances were different.
He knew that. He also knew Buffy enough to know that she wasn’t that deceitful.
Her emotions were always easily there for everyone to see whether she was happy,
sad or in love.
“Oh, come
on, Spike,” Angel said. “We both know that it’s you she’s crazy about.”
“She’s your
girl, remember?” Spike said. Things were too mixed up in his head and heart for
him to just let it go. His companion’s words from earlier about him being the
better man were ringing in his head. He might know where Buffy’s feelings lay
but he wanted to make sure that there wasn’t anything lingering on Angel’s
part.
“Yeah, she
was,” Angel said, taking his shot. His face grew contemplative as he filled
their glasses again. “I guess in some ways the girl will always be mine but Buffy
isn’t that girl anymore. She’s a woman now and she wants you not me. It’s up to
you if you’re going to be the man to stand beside her or if you’re going to run
from her.”
Spike
picked up his glass and lifted it toward Angel in a salute before swallowing
the liquid down. He smiled as the afternoon memories washed over him. Buffy in
his arms as they hung out by the pool and the kisses they’d shared.
“This
afternoon I kept thinking of her as mine,” Spike said. “She’s the first thing I
think about in the morning and when I go to bed at night I want her there with
me. To be holding her in my arms, you know?”
“Sounds
like you’re falling in love,” Angel said. “Is it really so hard to admit to?”
It was
though. Terror filled his heart at the thought of telling her of his deepening
feelings. What if he told her and she disappeared just like everyone else had?
It was too much of a risk to take. It was better to keep things the way they
were and hope for the best.
~~~~~~~~~
The room
was dark when Spike opened the door. He quickly looked around, relieved when he
saw Buffy’s things still lying about. There was a sound from the patio
indicating where she was and he went to join her. A chilly wind was blowing in
from the ocean, making him wish he’d left his jacket on. Buffy didn’t
acknowledge his presence. Her only movement was to wrap the blanket tighter
around her while her gaze remained fixated on the sea. He sat in the chair next to her, noticing the
bottle of wine and the half filled glass next to it.
“Ready to
give up on me yet?” Spike asked. He lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag as he
settled back in the chair.
“No,
Spike,” Buffy said. “It’s never going to be that simple. The heart doesn’t come
with an off and on switch. It would make life easier if it did.” She reached
for her glass, draining it before replacing it on the table. Finally she
shifted in her seat to look at him. “Maybe I’ve just come to realize that no
matter how hard I try or no matter what I do...” She laughed for a moment. Her
hand reached out to him and he placed his in hers. “Or no matter how much I
love you nothing is going to make this relationship work until you want it too.”
“I know,
pet,” Spike said, sighing. “I just need a little more time. I know I don’t
deserve it but…”
“Maybe we
both need a little more time,” Buffy said, squeezing his hand before releasing
it. “I’m sorry about kissing Angel but it was something that I needed to do
before I could move on.”
Spike
didn’t answer her. He wasn’t sure what to say to her. How could he explain
everything he was feeling if he didn’t understand himself just yet? Or admit to
something that would surely send her away from him. Silence hung between them
as he smoked his cigarette and she returned to watching the waves crashing on
the shore. He took the last drag, put the butt out and stood.
“Coming to
bed, Luv?” Spike asked, holding his hand out to her. She hesitated, but he only
waited patiently for her to make a choice. They both needed some sleep and he
wanted to hold her. It was the only place that he felt peaceful anymore. Hope
burgeoned in his heart again when she reached for his hand and followed him
into the room.
