Chapter 19 – If Only
Spike
turned in his sleep and reached for Buffy.
He couldn’t
feel her next to him. His hand patted her side of the bed and when he didn’t
find her, his eyes opened to search the room. Sunlight splayed across the floor
letting him know he’d slept longer than he’d planned. It was comfortable where
he was though and if he could find Buffy he’d just encourage her to sleep a
little longer with him. She wasn’t anywhere in his visual range on the side of
the room he was facing and reluctantly he turned onto his back to check the
other side. Still no Buffy. He awakened even further as worry crept into his
heart. Had she left him? His eyes scanned the room again, no Buffy, but her
clothes and make up were still scattered about on dresser and counter tops. It
would seem she hadn’t deserted him.
There
wasn’t any sound except for his own breathing and the rustling of the
bedclothes when he turned. So, she wasn’t tucked away in any of the corners of
the kitchen or bathroom he couldn’t see. He sat up and twisted to look out the
window behind the bed to see if she was on the patio or beach when he saw it.
A note.
A small
piece of folded motel stationary placed on her pillow. It was so innocent
looking but held the possibilities of such heartbreak. Had she decided to sneak
away when he was asleep but would return later to collect her things? Had she
written that she’d changed her mind and couldn’t handle being with him anymore?
Was it a put up or get out ultimatum that said she’d return for an answer
later?
His fingers
caressed the paper as his mind played out every scenario that would tear him
apart as he’d been torn so many times before.
Open the damn thing, you stupid
wanker, she probably just…
The door to
the hotel room opened and Buffy stepped in, all smiles behind a huge pair of
pink sunglasses. Relief flooded through him at seeing her.
“Oh, good,
you got my note,” Buffy said, putting a laptop case down by the door. She
bounded over to the bed. “I didn’t want you to worry about me.” Packages were
put on the bed beside him then she plopped down, crossing her legs as she faced
him. “I decided to go out and get a few things.”
It was then
that Spike realized something was wrong. The silly glasses were still perched
on her nose while the smile continued to stretch across her face. It was out of
place after the events of the night before. Buffy wasn’t a shallow woman who could
easily dismiss what had happened at the Bronze. He’d assumed they’d spend the
morning talking through things but she was acting like nothing had happened.
Spike
plucked the glasses from her face and sighed. All the hurt and confusion were
still clearly visible in the depths of her eyes. She looked away as her smile
faded. He knew all it would take would be three words to make her world right
but he couldn’t say them. The responsibility of her happiness was a burden that
he didn’t want. It was selfish, but he couldn’t make himself happy so how could
he make her happy? His hand cupped her face, his thumb brushing across her
cheek.
“I’m glad
that you came back,” Spike said. “I missed you in my arms when I woke up. So,
where did you go?”
“I went to
get
She dumped one
of the packages out on the bed in front of her. Plastic buckets and shovels
tumbled out in a splash of bright colors across the dark green of the bedspread.
Spike poked at them then looked up at her.
“What are
these for?”
“You said
you’d never built sandcastles before and I thought we could hang out on the
beach this morning,” Buffy said, her fingers twisting together. “Just you and
me if that’s okay?”
The hope
that was etched across her lovely features made him ache with regret. For the
first time he really wanted to give her everything. The risks to his heart were
being diminished by the desire to make this woman smile all the time. Each
frown Buffy wore and each tear she cried was an insult to the way things should
be. Spike hated the past that had made her so easily wounded, so afraid but
determined to keep trying in spite of the odds stacked against her. If he could
only hold her with a clear conscience and fight the demons for her but he
couldn’t. It would only lead to disaster for them both if he tried. The one
thing he knew he could give her was one day. That day. A day that he could
devote to making her feel special and fill it with as much laughter as he
could.
“Hmm, let
me think for a minute,” Spike said, leaning back against the pillows. “You in a
bikini on the beach…yeah, I think I could handle that.”
“Pig,”
Buffy said, grinning. She reached for another package and handed it to him.
“Got these for you to wear. Those shorts of yours would corrupt every child
down there.”
Spike
opened the bag and pulled out the brightest pair of swim trunks he’d ever seen.
They were neon green and orange. His brow rose as he contemplated them. “You
want me to wear these? I’ll blind everyone.”
“Good they
don’t need to be looking at my…you anyway,” Buffy said. “Reserved for me when
you’re in Sunnydale.”
“Reserved
for you no matter where I am,” Spike said, sitting up and holding his arms out
to her. “You’re the only one I want looking at my gorgeous bod anyway.”
“Ego much?”
Buffy
willingly came into his arms, wrapping him in a tight hug, as he pulled them
back onto the bed. His arm swept the buckets out of the way to give her room to
lie next to him. He knew that she had almost slipped and called him hers. They
had done it yesterday without a second thought but last night had changed
things. It was back to questioning every word they said. He kissed the tip of
her nose.
“You’re the
one who keeps saying how handsome and cute I am,” Spike said. “Can’t help it if
you speak the truth.”
“Mmm, can I
retract all former statements?”
“No, you
can’t. The jury already decided.”
His heart
soared when she giggled. The tension was leaving her body as she relaxed
against him. His hand stroked her back in slow leisurely strokes. It felt good
to hold her without feeling the need to lose themselves in passion. His eyes
closed as sleepiness tried to claim him again but she tickled his side.
“Come on,”
Buffy whispered. “There’s less than twenty-four hours before you leave and I
want to go play.”
Spike
sighed as if she was asking him to move a mountain but then he smiled. “Oh
yeah, you in a bikini, guess that’s worth getting up for.” He leaned forward to
kiss her but she drew back. “What’s wrong?”
Buffy’s
hand waved in front of her face. “Sorry, Spike, but you have stinky morning
breath.”
“I do not,”
Spike said, pretending outrage. “That’s just an excuse to get me out of bed.”
“Go,” Buffy
said, pushing on him. “Go brush your teeth and get changed. I’ll give you all
the kisses you want when you get out.”
“That’ll
take a lifetime,” Spike said, even as he stood up. The meaning of his words
didn’t even occur to him as he grabbed the swim trunks and headed for the
bathroom. He didn’t turn around and never saw the tear that fell across Buffy’s
cheek.
~~~~~~~~
Spike eyes flew
open when he heard Buffy screech. His body tensed prepared to protect her from
whatever was frightening her. He relaxed though when he saw that she was only scrambling
away from a wave. It crashed upon the shore and into the sandcastle she’d been building
with the help of some children. Their family was staying in the room next to
theirs and they’d descended on her with pleas to help when she appeared with
buckets and shovels. He’d joined in on the first few buildings but as the
monstrosity grew he’d bowed out to watch.
He smiled
as she retrieved their construction tools and moved them to safer ground. The
pink glasses had been returned to their spot on her nose. The brilliant color
matched the outrageous shade of her bathing suit. Her hair hung in twin braids
on either side of her head making her appear to be sixteen. She was adorable as
she played with the children. Spike remembered his fantasy of her surrounded by
their children. It would be a shame for her to never fulfill the promise that
was within her to be a mother. He sighed and lay back down.
Dangerous thoughts, mate, better
soddin’ stop that train…
“I think the ocean has won this time,” Buffy
said, lying next to him. “It destroyed the
Droplets
from the wave clung to the golden warmth of her skin. Spike was tempted to lick
them off but remained where he was watching the sun evaporate them. He bent his
foot so that his toes traced along her instep. She pulled her leg away but her
hand slipped into his. It wasn’t the reaction that he had anticipated but it
was good enough. His eyes closed as the sun bathed them in its rays.
“Do you
want children?” Spike said. They’d never really talked about things like that.
The future. It had always been a forbidden subject because he was never going
to be there with her.
“Yeah, I
would,” Buffy answered hesitantly. “I’d like to have a couple at least. Growing
up as the only child and even though I was surrounded by kids it wasn’t the
same. Christmas mornings and stuff I was the only one there. It would have been
nice to have a couple of brothers and sisters. But you know that.”
“Yeah, I
do,” Spike said. “Always wanted to be surrounded by a big family. My Mum did
her best but it was always so quiet on the holidays. The only family we had
lived out in the country so Mum and I usually just stayed at home since she
always had to be back at work the next day.
“That’s
rotten” Buffy agreed. “We always did the three of us in the morning but by
afternoon we’d always go over to someone’s house or they’d come over to ours.”
She paused for a minute. “I miss our house. It was a two story with a big back
yard. Angel and Faith lived down the block back then.”
“An idyllic
childhood?”
“In a lot
of ways,” Buffy said, turning onto her stomach so she could look at him. “It
seems once we got to middle school everything went to hell in a hand basket
though.”
“Growing up
is a bitch,” Spike said, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. “I grew up in a
house that had been converted into flats. There was a backyard but only one
other kid besides me lived there. I was too quiet for him to want to play with.
He was into football and all that stuff and I’d rather be by myself.”
“What did
you do by yourself?”
“Read,
tried writing, watched a lot of movies,” Spike said. The loneliness of those
days had never left him. He sighed as he looked away from Buffy. She saw too
much and it scared him. He felt her lips press against his shoulder but she
didn’t say anything. There was something else that he used to do that he’d
never told anyone. He didn’t think he ever would. He’d always dreamed of
marrying one of the princesses that he read about. They’d live in the enchanted
castle and have lots of children so that he’d never be alone again.
~~~~~~~~~
Buffy’s
finger poked at the last slice of pizza in the box.
“You want
that?”
They were
both on the bed watching a movie they’d rented. Spike was lying on his stomach
with his arms wrapped around a pillow while Buffy leaned against him. He turned
his head to look at her then down at the pizza box.
“Go ahead,”
Spike answered. It still amazed him at how much food she could consume in one
sitting. It certainly didn’t linger upon her small frame and with appreciation
of that fact his eyes caressed her body barely covered by a baby blue camisole
and matching boyshorts. His perusal ended at her toes and he was considering
sucking one when Buffy burped. It wasn’t a small burp nor a behind the hand
lady-like ‘excuse me’ burp but a belch that would rival any man’s. Shocked, he
looked up at her. Her eyes were dancing in merriment at him. “Bloody hell,
woman, trying to blow the walls out?”
Buffy
didn’t answer, only smiled at him before she took another bite of pizza. He
continued to watch her in fascination then she stuck her tongue out with half
chewed food on it. He couldn’t help but laugh at her childish antics. Somewhere
during the playful morning and conversations they’d lost the awkwardness again.
It was only confirmed by the fit of giggles that was rocking her body now.
“And you
were complaining about me having bad breath,” Spike said, shaking his head. “That
cloud you just expelled was enough to shrivel the balls off the lustiest
bloke.”
“Oh
please,” Buffy said, pinching his ass. “I’d just have to touch you and you’d be
ready to go.”
“Dream on,
lady.” Spike jumped when her hand traveled down between his legs. “What are you
doing?”
“Checking,”
Buffy said. Her hand curled up to cup him. “See just one touch and…”
It was
true. He couldn’t even deny it. His cock was singing for joy at the feel of her
hand on it even if there was a layer of denim between them. Their eyes crashed
together as desire filled the air around them. It just couldn’t be. After the
confession, they’d decided to wait until they had the test results before doing
anything. Spike wanted to make sure that Buffy was completely safe. They needed
to stop this before anything really got started.
“And you’re
a very bad girl,” Spike growled turning over and reaching for her. “I think
it’s about time you got that spanking and I think I’m just the man to do it.”
“No,” Buffy
screamed, standing up and waving her finger at him. “You are so not going to
lay a hand on me.”
Spike
jumped up but Buffy leapt to the second bed to escape him.
“Come on,
Buffy,” Spike challenged as he shadowboxed around the bed in a mad dance.
“You’re not so tough. I can take you with one hand tied behind my back.”
“Oh please,
I knocked you out the first night I knew you,” Buffy laughed, standing with her
legs spread apart and swaying back and forth. She squealed when he unexpectedly
landed next to her. His arms encircled her waist and tried to bring her down on
the bed.
“Watch the
pizza, pet,” Spike told her as she fought to get loose from him. He knew he was
in trouble when her eyes lit up and moved to eye the pizza with a gleam.
“You mean
this pizza?” Buffy asked innocently.
She smeared
the slice across his chest and ran to the kitchen when his arms loosened. Spike
stared at the sauce that was spread across his skin and the cheese that clung
to one shoulder. Buffy’s laughter rang out and he looked up at her. She had no
place to run and he smiled as he stepped slowly off the bed.
“You are so
going to pay this time,” Spike said, feigning anger as he advanced on her, but
her laughter was too infectious. He couldn’t help but grin as she backed up,
throwing her arms out against the wall in a dramatic gesture.
“I’m
sorry,” Buffy said. “I’ll make it all better. Truce, okay?”
A kitchen
towel was used for a flag of surrender. She waved it at him and when he was
close enough began to wipe the mess from him. He planted his hands on either
side of her as he watched her clean him up. Her shoulders still shook from laughter
and he couldn’t resist the temptation to hug her when she was done. The towel
was thrown toward the sink as they held each other. The invitation was clear as
she tilted her head back. Her lips parted and her eyes clouded with a need that
he knew was mirrored in his own.
“You have
pepperoni breath,” Buffy whispered when they were only a fraction of a second
from kissing.
“Oh, fine,”
Spike said, pulling back. “If you don’t
want to kiss me then I just won’t even try.” He headed back to the bedroom but
was stopped by a finger through his belt loop. Laughing, he continued on his
way, dragging her behind him.
“I want
kisses,” Buffy declared, jumping on his back and wrapping her arms around his
neck. She rained kisses along his cheek and neck. “Kisses, pepperoni kisses,
give me kisses.”
“No, you
keep telling me that my breath is bad,” Spike said, dumping her on the second
bed. “If it’s so bad why do you want me to kiss you?”
“Because it
makes me tingly,” Buffy said, lying back with her arms crossed behind her head.
“Come here and make me feel your electricity.”
“Not until
you apologize.”
“Nope, not
until you give me kisses.”
It was a
standoff. Spike lay on the bed they’d previously been sharing. He’d figured
that Buffy would join him soon enough, but she remained where she was. Her eyes
remained glued to the movie they’d been watching before. Every once in a while
she’d make a small noise or flop over on the bed to get his attention but for
the first time she wasn’t budging. If he wanted to hold her it was up to him.
After almost an hour he gave up his pride, headed to the bathroom and brushed
his teeth. It was for a show of compromise and when he went to her, he was met
with open arms. He decided that giving in was worth it when she snuggled up to
his side.
If only everything was this easily
solved, he thought
as he pulled her closer to give her the kisses she wanted.
