Chapter 20 – Winds of Change
Spike was
half-asleep.
Mostly
though he was feeling content; a bone-deep contentment that could only be
explained by the fact that Buffy was with him. Their day together had been nearly perfect
even with the stand off. They’d talked about things they’d never talked about
before. They’d laughed and played and the kisses they’d shared were filled with
such sweet promises for the future.
A future
that was his if he would only take a chance. Angel had been right; he did need
to make a decision. Buffy needed more than what he was offering her. She was
worth more than he could ever be but for some reason she wanted him. A thought
that now humbled him with its magnitude. He didn’t say anything to Buffy
because he was still unsure of himself, of her, and of what he wanted. He
wanted time to think without her there to influence him.
Buffy
turned the kitchen light off and headed for the bathroom. Spike watched as she
prepared to come to bed. It amazed him that she could be so beautiful even
while she did simple things like washing her face or spreading lotion over her
skin.
“If you
come here I’ll put some on your back,” Spike said, needing to touch her. When
he’d gone to her earlier they’d held each other, kissing and touching but there
was still something she’d held back. It had been there ever since though, an
elusive feeling that was fed by her quiet manner. Like now when she looked up
at him with cautious eyes but a smile quickly graced her face. He reassured
himself that it had to be because she was preparing herself for when he left.
“Thanks,”
Buffy said, handing him the bottle of lotion before sitting on the end of the
bed.
Spike
scooted closer to her. He inhaled the tart scent of apples as he poured the
creamy liquid into his palms. Buffy remained facing the television even though
she’d pulled her shirt up. There was a pinkish tint to her skin from her
morning in the sun. It only told of her vulnerability and humanness, reminding
him that he needed to protect her. It was the one responsibility he didn’t want
but found he couldn’t walk away from.
Buffy
flinched when the cold lotion touched her. A shiver ran through her as goose
bumps appeared along her spine. “Sorry, Luv,” Spike whispered. “It’ll warm up
in a minute.” A brief nod was his only response. His hands rubbed upward along
her back, spreading out to duck under her shirt. He massaged her shoulders lost
in the sensation of being close to her.
Her head
bowed as his thumbs pressed along the back of her neck. Already he was hard. A
state he was beginning to accept as normal. His body didn’t remember the
release that he’d given it alone in the shower. He only had to be was around
her and he sprang to attention.
Maybe it
wasn’t right. Maybe he shouldn’t have but he was too far gone to consider the
consequences. The constant state of arousal was battering at his sense of right
and wrong. He wanted…needed just a taste of what he knew he shouldn’t have. His
hands moved slowly back down along her back, venturing to her sides. Then when
there were no protests, he cupped her breasts and pulled her back. She
whimpered when she found herself between his legs, pressed against what needed
her so badly. It was a temptation to heaven when her head fell back against his
shoulder and she arched deeper into his hands.
The mounds
fit so easily into his hands as he squeezed them carefully. Buffy was moving
restlessly against him trying to gain friction between her breasts and his
hands. He swallowed when fear clutched at him. He didn’t want to hurt her but
he was too far gone to stop now and so was she. They both needed a release from
the frustration that was continually battering at their promises.
“Hold on,
baby,” Spike whispered as he gathered her tight against him. He moved them back
until he was leaning against the headboard. “Now relax. I’m gonna make you feel
so good.”
“You know
you’re the only one,” Buffy said in ragged tones. “Last night…”
“Last night
I was a fool,” Spike said. “Forgive me.”
Her
response was to press her bottom closer to his erection and he moaned his need.
The fire he’d talked about the first time they’d touched was burning out of
control. It had been building all day and only by touching could they put it
out.
Spike
pulled her camisole over her head, dropping it on the floor. Her arms crossed
over her chest in a self-protective embrace. He let her have her modesty and
instead let his hands drift along her hips then to her inner thighs. Satin
soft, they were pressed tight together but he persisted until she opened them
for him.
“Lean
back,” Spike directed, fingers kneading at the flesh just below her pubic
mound. “Any time you want to stop just tell me.”
Buffy
turned back to him. Her eyes were huge in her face as she studied him. He knew
she was making a decision and he waited for her to come to her own conclusions.
Her lips pressed against him, almost chaste in their pressure that was gone too
soon. Like the lady she was, Buffy rested against his chest, so prim and proper
in light of what they were about to do. It only made him ache for her even
more.
With
unhurried movements, Spike opened her wide, directing her legs over his. A sigh
escaped from her as she settled in a little more comfortably. She was his now. Only
her panties kept her virtue from him but they wouldn’t keep him out for long.
“How far
have you gone?” Spike asked. Unwilling to wait for the answer he was already
returning his attention to her breasts. “Has anyone ever touched you like
this?” She didn’t answer and he knew that someone, probably Angel, had been
there before him. Jealousy filled him at the thought. She was made to be his
was his only thought as his fingers rolled her nipples.
“No one has
ever made me feel like you do,” Buffy said. He was exploring her neck with his
mouth and her hands clutched at his hips. “You make me feel alive.”
He didn’t
understand how he could when his heart had been cold for so long. It was she
that brought life to him. She was everything that he’d never had before. It was
thrilling to be even noticed by such a creature as Buffy. Knowing he was
sentencing himself to even further pain he slowed his caresses. Spike grabbed
the lotion and with a smile, already knowing her reaction, he dispensed some
onto her stomach. She inhaled but he scooped it back up to spread over her
front. It gave him the excuse to fully explore her. His hands stopped just
short of her breasts before spreading the lotion over them. Buffy quivered
under his ministrations. Pride filled him at being able to make her feel things
she’d never felt before.
Buffy’s
hand covered his, pulling it down to her stomach again. He spread his hand,
stroking the small curve between her belly button and the top of her panties.
“Do you
want me to touch you?” Spike asked, his finger following the elastic lightly.
He tugged on the string on one side. His teasing must have frustrated her
because Buffy pulled her legs together before yanking her only remaining
garment off. She dropped them on the bed beside them before resuming her
earlier position. Spike chuckled. “I
take it that’s a yes.” Thankful for the light glowing from the television, he
gazed upon her completely naked form for the first time. His eyes though
couldn’t move from the very essence of her womanhood. He realized that her
cheek pressed to his was burning and knew that she’d never been so exposed.
Gathering her close he rocked her in his arms. “Shh, do you know how beautiful
you are? There could never be anyone that could ever compare to you. My life
has been better with you in it.”
Spike waited
until the tension left her body again before allowing himself the luxury of
feeling her again. His hands moved over the curves and valleys of her body
without ever reaching the center of her. He waited until she was moving
restlessly with unsatisfied passion before giving into his own desires. At
first he only cupped her, letting her get used to him before he stroked her.
Her hands covered his and he was surprised by her boldness as she led him to
what she wanted.
“Do you
think of me when I’m gone?” Spike asked and thought he’d explode when she
nodded. “Show me, Luv, show me what you do.”
His fingers
entwined with hers as they explored her. She brought his index finger to the
small pearl of her pleasure, teaching him what she craved. The liquid heat of
her body coated his hand as her hips rotated and arched upwards. Her head fell
back as she progressed closer and closer to her orgasm pulling him along with
her. Unconsciously his hips rubbed against her in an effort to find his own
release. There was no longer any shyness between them as they lost themselves
to their physical longings.
“Spike,
take me,” Buffy cried, pushing his hand further down. “I need you inside…”
Spike
didn’t stop to think. She needed something he could give and he plunged two of
his fingers into her passage. The tightness swallowed him as he pumped in and
out of her. She still held his thumb against her clit, stroking in time to his
fingers. He pushed deeper into her causing another wave of warm fluid to coat his
fingers. It was the small cry of pain from her that told him what he’d done. He
froze unsure of what to do. His mind filled with recriminations as he tried to remove
his fingers but her hand tightened on his wrist.
“No, don’t,
please don’t stop,” Buffy pleaded. “It’s okay…just please…”
Tears
filled his eyes as he resumed thrusting into her. It wasn’t supposed to be like
this. He had crossed a line he hadn’t been prepared to even face yet. Spike
pushed his fears aside and concentrated on making it as pleasurable for her as
possible. His mouth resumed suckling and teasing along her shoulder while one
hand returned to her breasts. Together, their hands still entwined, they
continued to stroke her toward release. She pushed up on her heels, riding his fingers,
faster and faster until she finally broke. Her body slumped against him even as
her tears flowed.
”I’m sorry, Buffy,” Spike whispered, over and over as he pulled Buffy around.
He held her tenderly as they both cried, overwhelmed by what they had done. “Are
you okay, Luv?” There was no answer only her fingers kneading deeper into his
back. “Buffy, please, talk to me. I’m sorry…I…oh, god…baby, I’m sorry.”
Buffy
sniffled and lifted her head. He stroked her face, staring into eyes that were
so confused.
“Come on,”
Spike whispered. “I’m going to get you into the bathtub. It’ll make you feel
better.”
She looked
down at herself, at the blood that was on her thighs then back up at him.
“I wanted
you,” Buffy whispered. “I’ve wanted you since the first night I met you.” She
hid her face in his neck. “I just thought when it happened it would be a little
different; like we’d actually be making love or something.”
“We were,”
Spike said. “It comes in all forms, lamb. Every time we’re together it’s making
love, no matter how little we do or how far we go.” He played with her hair,
holding her as tightly as he could.
“It’ll just make it a little easier the first time you do let someone
make love to you all the way.”
“Still
trying to get out of it, huh? I think you’ve already done the damage…”
“You’re not
damaged,” Spike said gruffly. “You’re a beautiful passionate woman.”
“Who can’t
even lose her virginity…”
“Stop it,
now,” Spike commanded. He cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at him. ‘You
didn’t do anything…damn your hide woman.” Spike laughed when he caught the edge
of Buffy’s lips trembling with laughter. “Here I am feeling all guilty and
you’re just soaking up the sympathy.”
“Spike,”
Buffy’s smile faded while her fingers plucked gently at the hair on his chest.
“Seriously, you don’t think badly of me?” Her hand waved over them. “That I
acted like…”
“No, Buffy,
it only made you so much more precious to me.”
The beaming
smile she gave relieved the last of his battered conscious. He knew that it was
all right when she wiped the remaining tears from his cheek. He pulled her
closer, pressing his lips to the softness of hers. Her hand curled around his
neck, holding him to her as she took the initiative again, plunging her tongue
into his mouth. The combination of innocence and passion was pushing him to the
edge of desire. Never before had he felt such a deep yearning for someone. She
was making him believe in chances again. And when Buffy led them to lie on the
bed he was holding onto his control by a thread.
The only
thing between their heated flesh was the silk boxers he wore. Free to explore,
his hands danced along her sweat slicked body. The kisses they shared only
deepened, their tongues darting from one mouth to the other, as they teased
each other to new heights. Forgotten were all the promises to wait. Spike
pulled her leg over his hip so he could press his pulsing erection against her
belly. It would take so little to slip inside of the only place he wanted to
be.
“Do you
want me to touch you?” Buffy asked, echoing his earlier question. Her breathing
coming in short gasps against his lips. Hands, trembling in the newness of
their activities were already traveling along his stomach. “I want to touch
you.” Fingers tickled at the skin on his lower stomach. “May I touch you?” Her
hand slipped inside of his shorts.
Spike’s
hips thrust up into the tiny hand wrapped around his shaft. Groaning, his
fingers dug into her bottom as she squeezed him. She was lost, unsure of what
to do, and he returned her earlier favor. His hand closed over hers. “Like
this,” he whispered. He guided her until she was comfortable with the rhythm he
wanted. Always before it had been experienced lovers who needed no help to make
him cum but it was Buffy in her uncertainty that was bringing him to ecstasy
now.
“I
love…being with you, the way you are,” Spike moaned. He was losing control
fast. “I love the way you make me feel, Buffy.” She sped up when he couldn’t
control the thrusting of his hips into her palm. He buried his face in her
shoulder and came in a body shuddering orgasm.
“I love
you, Spike,” Buffy whispered.
He knew
what she needed but the closeness they’d shared had only scared him more. And
as his head cleared that fear clutched at his heart and he couldn’t say the
words. The disappointment showed on her face but she quickly hid it. Later as
they lay in the bathtub together he was already regretting the chance he’d
blown as Buffy seemed to slip away from him again.
~~~~~~~~
Buffy
opened her eyes and tried to focus in the morning sun that was beginning to
creep across the bed. She looked at the clock and instantly the foggy claim of
sleep vanished. It was already
“Spike,”
Buffy cried, shaking his shoulder. “We overslept. Wake up.”
They both
made a mad dash to dress and pack up their remaining belongings. A call to
Angel had him honking outside their door by
“Come on,
Luv,” Spike said, reaching for her hand. “I know how you feel.” He looked
around the room as she walked by him. The door closed and it was over.
“Hurry up,
you two,” Angel called. “We’re all going to be late if you don’t move it.”
Buffy
almost laughed when she realized the car was full. In the front Cordelia sat
next to Angel with Faith by the door. Already in the backseat were Wesley and Xander
with Anya on his lap. Never before had Angel given a ride to everyone. Usually
they all found their own ways to the ship and it only confirmed that things
weren’t the same.
Spike threw
their bags in the trunk and climbed into the back seat. He helped Buffy in,
settling her on his lap.
“Let’s go,
mate,” Spike said. “We’re ready.”
The ride
was made in silence but Anya caught Buffy gazing at Faith with curiosity.
“Faith went
home with Wesley after the disaster at the Bronze,” Anya said. “They’ve been
together ever since.”
The
brunette turned to look at Buffy with eyes that dared her to comment. Buffy
didn’t. It only made Faith one of them now. The circle had closed again. Each
of the women in their group was paired off but still living a solitary life.
She only offered a smile to Faith as she tried to communicate her understanding.
Angel
brought the car to a screeching halt at the gate and everyone piled out of the
car. Good-byes were said as the bags were sorted through and taken. Even Faith
and Wesley were locked in an ardent embrace that lay to rest any questions of
what they’d been doing in the last thirty-six hours. The men began to move off
as they finished saying what they needed but Buffy still clung to Spike. She
needed to know that what they shared meant something to him. The words were
never uttered. His kisses were loving and his arms held her tight but the one
thing she needed the most was never given.
“I’ll write
you first chance I get,” Spike whispered. He turned and walked off. At the
bottom of the gangplank he stopped, dropped his bag and ran back to her. He
cupped her face and kissed her again. “I promise I’m coming back to you.”
Then he was
gone.
The women
should have left. They had jobs, school and their own lives to return to but
none of them moved. It was Faith that came to Buffy and laid an arm around her
shoulder as she cried. Anya went to get them coffee and slowly they settled on
the trunk of the car. Every once in a while one of their men would lean over
the rail and wave at them. They’d all wave back but it wasn’t until the ship
pulled anchor and sailed from the harbor that they left.
It was as
if they already knew that things were going to change. Never again would their
lives be the same as it was on this trip. Their inclusion of Spike into their
group had changed them. It had forced them from the complacent acceptance of
their lives still hovering between adolescence and adulthood. By the time the
men returned life would be different for them all.
