Chapter 22 –
There wasn’t a part of
Spike’s body that didn’t hurt. It had been a long back breaking day loading the
ship. After one hold had been completely filled their first mate told them it
had to be unloaded because the weight wasn’t distributed right. It had taken
them almost eighteen hours to get the ship ready to go and everyone was on the
brink of exhaustion.
The Darla was making her way back to
Spike gave up trying to
pretend to be sociable and started to make his way back to his cabin.
“Hey, blondie bear,” Pablo,
a crew member snickered. “Going off to daydream about your panty girl? Just
make sure you wipe down the shower when you’re through.”
Spike ignored him.
The crew talked. What else
was there to do for weeks on end at sea? Most of the time they forgave each
other their quirks and they usually respected the ones that did have pictures
and mementos of their girls. So, the fact that Pablo knew about Harmony’s
nickname for him and that he kept Buffy’s panties on him didn’t really bother
Spike. He knew worse things about some of the other crew members. It was what
Pablo said next that pissed him off.
“And, hey,” Pablo continued,
encouraged by the laughter of some of the others. “Can we borrow the pictures
and the panties when you’re done? Your little California pussy looks to be one
hot…”
Angel was on his feet but
Spike seemed to fly over him to get to Pablo. He could hear a few of the crew
yelling, “Fight”, and he could feel hands trying to pull him off. But in spite
of the obstacles Spike managed to haul Pablo to his feet and push him against
the wall.
“Apologize now,” Spike
demanded. “Nobody talks about Buffy like that.”
“Spike, let go now,” Angel
said, pulling on him. “You hit him and it’s your ass in trouble.”
“You going to let him talk
like that about Buffy?” Spike asked, still holding on tight to the front of
Pablo’s shirt. If the jerk wasn’t going to be disciplined for opening his mouth
then Spike would make sure he paid.
“Spike, last time, let go.”
Angel tugged on him and out
of respect for his position, Spike reluctantly released Pablo but didn’t step
back. He wasn’t going to back down until he heard an apology from Pablo and
hopefully some kind of disciplinary action being taken. Buffy wasn’t going to
be besmirched while he was around.
“Are you going to do
something, boss?” Spike asked, putting a sarcastic tilt to the last word.
“Come on Pablo,” Xander
said, stepping closer. “Apologize okay? You know Buffy is Spike’s girl and most
of us are friends with her. Don’t be starting trouble.”
“Whatever,” Pablo said.
“Sorry man didn’t know she was special to you, not the way you treat her.
Everybody’s talking about you taking her to a motel like she’s your slut or
something.”
“Watch it,” Angel said.
“Spike, go on to wherever you were going. I’ll have a talk here with our friend.”
Spike looked around the room
at the rest of the crew wondering if they all thought that way about his
relationship to Buffy. Had he given her a reputation by taking her to the
motel? She hadn’t seemed worried about it but he didn’t know what had happened
after they sailed. He had never really thought about the world that she lived
in and her part in it. After all he was only there a few days out of the month
and wasn’t a part of the community. Sunnydale wasn’t that big of a town and he
wondered if people were talking about her.
Buffy was known as the good
girl among the people she knew. The guys had told him that and how else could
anyone see her? She had dropped out of college to help care for her mother,
never gave into the temptations that working at the bar had to afford her and
she was still innocent.
Yeah, until you came along mate, Spike thought as he made his way back to his cabin.
Buffy had told him about the conversation with her father concerning her
association with him. His hand ran over his face as he realized that Giles was
right about her acting differently than the girl they’d known. She was breaking
out of the role that had been assigned her and becoming the woman she wanted to
be but at what price?
Questions that he had never
allowed himself to ponder began to demand to be heard. Was Buffy letting her
emotions control her decisions? Had she thought about how she would be looked
upon after their relationship was over? Would other men think like Pablo?
Back up; back up…when we’re over? Who the hell said
we’d be over?
Spike sank down on his bed
as the questions continued to rampage through his mind. Wouldn’t their
relationship eventually have to end if he wasn’t offering her love or marriage?
Didn’t that mean that it was all just for a good time and when it wasn’t fun
anymore it would be over? Where would that leave Buffy? She’d be known as the
girl who whored around with a sailor who had only wanted her for a good time.
You stupid bleedin’ jerk…
Pablo didn’t have to
besmirch Buffy. Spike had done it all on his own. Yes, she’d been willing to
follow him wherever he led but she’d done it for love.
“I love you, Spike.” Her voice had been soft and trembling in the aftermath of the most
intense intimate moment of her life. And he’d been too selfish…too frightened
to say the words that she needed to hear.
He reached under his bed and
pulled out the packet with her pictures in it. Slowly, he looked through them
letting the memories of his last visit wash over him; Buffy on the beach, making
the bed, lying across the bed, brushing her teeth, all moments when he had
laughingly caught her unaware. Of course, she’d retaliated and was in
possession of a few of him in candid moments. There were also some posed ones
including some they’d taken with him holding the camera at arm’s length to
capture them together.
An ache filled his heart as
he thought for the first time of the ramifications of his wanting to spend time
with her only on his terms. Answers came to him in revelations that brought
clarity to his heart. He didn’t want anyone to come after him in Buffy’s heart,
life, or bed. He didn’t want her to bear the brunt of unkind words or thoughts
because she had chosen to be his lover. He didn’t want her to hurt because of
anything he’d done or said and with shame he admitted to himself that he had
already brought her too many tears. With a sigh he gazed down at her picture
and for the first time listened to what his heart had been trying to tell him since
the first moment he’d seen her.
The door to the cabin opened
startling Spike from his thoughts. He looked up to see Angel step into his
cabin.
“I gave Pablo a verbal
warning,” Angel said, sitting on the opposite bunk. “He was just mouthing off,
letting off steam but he went too far. It pissed the hell out of me, too. Buffy
doesn’t deserve to be talked about like that.”
“If I hadn’t taken her to
the motel…”
“It doesn’t matter what you
all did or didn’t do,” Angel said. “He had no right to talk about her or you
for that matter.” He gestured to the pictures in Spike’s hand. “Those pictures
of her?”
“Yeah,” Spike said,
reluctantly handing them over after taking out a few that weren’t meant for
sharing especially with her ex-boyfriend. “We took them the last day we were
there.”
“I don’t know how she’s
doing it,” Angel said, thumbing through the photos. “But she’s getting prettier
all the time. Not that she hasn’t always been pretty but when she was a
teenager she was more bouncy and cute.”
Jealousy reared its head
again at hearing about a part of Buffy’s life that he would never be a part of;
a part that Angel had shared with her as her friend and boyfriend. No matter
what he did or how close he and Buffy became, Angel would always have a part of
her that he couldn’t touch. It was time to lay claim to her future; a future in
which she would belong only to him.
“Angel?”
“Yeah?”
The other man looked up at
him and Spike swallowed as the words became stuck in his throat. He already
knew they were true. It wasn’t something that he could hide from anymore nor
did he want to. And maybe if he said it once it would get easier and be less
scary the next time. His eyes met Angel’s and forced them out.
“I’m in love with her.”
~~~~~~~~
Buffy pressed the button on
the blender and watched in anticipation as the machine noisily mixed the
margaritas. She glanced over her shoulder as laugher erupted in the living
room. Apparently something funny had happened in the movie everybody was
watching and not really caring Buffy turned back to watching the liquor, ice
and mix turn into something tasty. It had been a fun night so far and it had
left her feeling relaxed. It was a something that she had forgotten how to do
in the last few weeks.
Maybe it’s the booze you’re guzzling, she thought as she turned the machine off and
proceeded to pour the seemingly innocent green concoction into glasses. She
picked the tray up, backed through the door and into the living room.
“Margaritas up,” Buffy
called out gaily, as she stepped over Anya’s feet to put the beverages on the
table in front of the couch. “I expect to be tipped people.”
“Hey, Buffy,” Cordelia said.
“Here your tip…don’t expect people to tip you when you’re the one who wanted
the damn things to begin with.”
“Bitch,” Buffy retorted
jokingly, helping herself to a glass before tucking herself back into a deep
chair by the window. She considered herself lucky to be with friends as the
alcohol seemed to be cutting off any communication between her brain and mouth.
“Thank you,” the brunette
said, raising her drink to Buffy with a laugh. “At least I’m woman enough to
accept my calling.”
“Here, here,” Faith echoed,
raising her bottle of water as the others chimed into agree.
Buffy’s glance roamed over
the women gathered in Cordy’s apartment. The ones left behind. Except for
It was the second time since
the last visit that they had gathered. The first time had been for dinner at a
local restaurant. It had been Buffy and
Everyone had agreed, some
with enthusiasm and some with apprehension, and they found themselves facing
each other around a table. Their conversation had been uncomfortable at first
but by dessert they had found their common ground again and were gossiping like
they were back in the cafeteria at Sunnydale High.
There was something about
spending time with these women that Buffy found reassuring. They were a part of
her past and knew more about her than probably anyone including her parents and
Spike. Some even more than Angel and he’d been her hero since she could force
herself up on her pudgy legs and toddle after him. Facing the future head on,
she was finding more comfort in the ties that bound her to her past. It
reminded her where she had come from, took away the self-deception that
threatened her decisions, and gave her hope that she could make the changes she
needed.
And that only brought her
back to what was weighing on her mind.
Spike.
Riley.
Buffy sighed as the two men
vied for attention in her mind. She loved Spike with an intensity that
threatened to consume her if she let it. She was only a step away from giving
him all of her but did he want that much? How long would this relationship
last? If she did give him everything and he walked away, would she be able to
survive? It was a vicious cycle that he’d already given her the answers for,
but she didn’t want to believe.
Her mind then turned to
Riley. He was constantly there now. A part of the circle she hung with at
college. He was going the same direction she was with school and he lived in
town. Solid, gentle and more mature than he’d ever been, she’d allowed a
friendship to blossom between them once more. He wanted to see her again and
she’d refused knowing she needed to make a decision about Spike first. There
was also the biggest question of all to consider. Could she trust Riley not to
cheat on her again if she did give him a chance?
Buffy vaguely watched as Cordelia left the room announcing she was off to the
bathroom. She dropped her head on the back of the chair as her emotions churned
within her. It was an endless loop in her mind that never seemed to end.
Thankfully, the sound of the phone ringing broke her from her reverie and Buffy
blinked as she focused on her friends again.
“Hello,” Faith said,
answering the phone in Cordelia’s absence. “No, she’s
unable to come to the phone right now. May I take a message?”
Buffy sat up as Faith
stiffened up and a look of anger crossed her face.
“Yeah, I’ll make sure she
gets the message,” Faith said, clicking the phone off and tossing it on the
table.
“What’s the matter?” Buffy
asked, as the movie was paused and the others turned to the brunette.
“You lying bitch,” Faith
said, pointing at Cordelia who’d returned to the room. “How could you do this
to my brother?”
“What’s going on?” Cordelia
asked cautiously.
“Mr. Butcher called and said
that you had been approved for your apartment in
All eyes turned to Cordelia
as she closed her eyes and threw her head back.
“I was planning on talking
to Angel when he got back,” Cordelia said softly. “I’m not moving until then. I
told them that I had to settle some things here first.”
“You’re leaving?” Buffy
asked, feeling a part of her world slip away. “Why?”
“Because,” Cordelia said,
sitting on the arm of the couch. “I’ve been offered a job in LA, a good one working
with a fashion designer. Someone that I can learn from and hopefully one day
can make a name for myself.”
“What about Angel?” Faith
asked, her arms crossed as she stared at Cordelia. “Where does he fit in your
plans? He loves you or doesn’t that matter?”
“Yes, it matters. He
matters…a lot. I love him but…god, it’s hard because I do love him but we’re
not going anywhere. We never talk about the future or getting married or having
a life together. He’s in town for three days a month, we hang out, and I listen
to his dreams about being a captain of his own ship and nothing…nothing about
us. Is this all there is?” Cordelia exclaimed, throwing her arms wide. “Am I
supposed to forget about everything that matters to me just to wait for three
damn days against an entire three or four weeks of loneliness?”
“He deserves to be talked to
and given a chance to change things before you just decide to leave,” Faith
said. “Or does he matter that little to you?”
“Give her a break,” Anya
said. “You just started this waiting game. See how you feel after months of
doing it.”
“This isn’t about me and
Wesley,” Faith declared. “Whatever we have just started but Cordy’s been with
Angel…”
“Stop it, please,” Cordelia
cried, tears streaming down her face. “It’s killing me to do this but what do I
have to hold onto…nothing, that’s what.” She rushed from the room to seek
refuge on her balcony leaving a stunned and confused group behind her.
“I just can’t believe her,”
Faith said, looking around her as if she could find the answers she was looking
for.
Buffy wrapped her arms
around her, hoping to give Faith the comfort she needed. If one of them
unraveled then it seemed they were all unraveling and Faith had just opened her
heart.
“It’s different with you,”
Buffy whispered. “Wesley went to sea because he couldn’t have you. He’ll come
back and stay when he finds out.”
No one knew yet but Buffy.
She’d figured it out when they had met for dinner. Faith was always ready for
the party but that night she’d stuck to water and herbal tea. The brunette had
taken more chances than she’d bargained for and won in more ways than one.
Faith was pregnant. The knowledge was leaving her terrified and overjoyed at
the same time.
Faith nodded against her
shoulder. “Thanks, Buffy.”
The secret had brought them
a bonding that they hadn’t had since they were girls. It seemed everyone but
Anya had a secret they had been trying to keep until their man came home.
Buffy’s was killing her and she knew there was someone who’d understand. She
released Faith and went to follow Cordelia.
Buffy stepped out onto the
balcony, closing the door behind her before making her way to stand beside
Cordy. The night air was warm, tangy with the scent of the ocean as she made
her presence known. It was as if the force that took their men away wanted to
remind them that she had prior claim to the ones they loved. A breeze gently
swept around them leaving them to shiver in the knowledge that they’d lost.
“So, are you going to tell
me what a bitch I am?” Cordelia asked.
“No, I’m not because I
understand more than you know.”
“Oh, Buffy,” Cordelia said.
“Are you…?”
It was time to admit what
her heart knew. The price in the end was higher than what she thought when she
first vowed to make Spike hers. The days they were together were rocky and
emotional. Filled with laughter, love, confusion and pain then he’d go away
leaving her to cry herself to sleep. By the time she’d gain some peace he was
back and she’d lose herself in him again. It was a cycle that was taking too much
of a toll on her. There wasn’t anything to hold onto but a hope that didn’t
seem like it would ever manifest.
“Yeah, I’m going to break up
with him.”
to be continued…
