Chapter 23 – Overload
Buffy looked up when the
door of The Edge opened and a new group came in. It wasn’t them and she glanced
up at the clock over the bar. It was almost
Sighing, Buffy looked back
down at the notes for school she was trying to organize. It wouldn’t do any
good to fret until she’d heard news one way or another. Every once in a while
the crews would have problems that had to be taken care of before they could be
released. It was just that tonight her stomach was tied in knots about seeing
Spike again. Her decision had been made and she was going to stick to it.
Hopefully…what if I see him again and I can’t do it?
Doubts kept creeping into
her mind. She loved him but there wasn’t anything there except a future of
loneliness without being loved in return. She chewed on the end of her pen as
she tried to force herself to concentrate on her history textbook.
The door opened again and
this time it was them. She stared in shock for a moment at the weary looks on
their face. They all looked like they’d been to hell and back. None of them
even smiled as they painstakingly made their way to their table. It was only
the light from Spike’s eyes as he looked at her that gave any indication they
were glad to be home.
Buffy hurried behind the bar
to help Arnie get their drinks. She kept glancing over at the table as they sat
unspeaking. Angel buried his face in his hands while Wesley closed his eyes and
leaned back in his chair. She gasped as she saw the cast that covered Xander’s
arm wondering what had happened. Finally she looked at Spike. He stared at her
hungrily like she was the only thing he needed. It made her feel guilty at what
she was going to do to him.
He had his chance, Buffy thought, but her argument fell short even to her own mind. She
hoisted the tray onto her shoulder and hurried to their table. Starting with
Angel she passed out their drinks and either a hug or a touch to offer comfort.
Spike was last and when she put his drink on the table, she found herself
pulled onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her
neck.
“It feels so good to hold
you again,” Spike whispered before kissing the curve of her shoulder.
Her heart broke at the depth
of emotion in his voice.
She hugged him, letting her
fingers weave through his hair, and he nuzzled closer to her.
“Bad night, guys?” Buffy
asked in general but her gaze was locked to Angel’s.
“Yeah,” Xander answered,
waving the arm with the cast. “Silly me thought I could stop five hundred
pounds worth of crates with my one hand. Snapped my damn arm in two.”
“And it only got worse from
there,” Angel said. “Fucking crates were full of some fancy god awful smelling
cooking oil. It spilled all over the place and it took forever to clean it up
because the damn drain decided to plug up.”
“The whole trip was jinxed,”
Wesley said. “Xander broke our no accident record for the last six months. A
refrigeration hold kept heating up and we almost lost that cargo.”
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said.
Nothing this bad had
happened to them in all the time her three childhood companions had been
sailing together. Spike was still considered a newbie since there hadn’t been
anyone hired after him. Everything had
been running smooth for awhile and maybe it was just time for a little shaking
up. She looked around at their drinks that seemed to have disappeared. “Do you
all want a second round?”
“Nah, not for me,” Xander
said. “Anya is picking me up in a few to take me to the hospital for x-rays.
Make sure the ship doc got me fixed up right.”
Wesley looked up at Buffy.
“Have you spoken to Faith lately? I got an email from her but it wasn’t…”
“Wasn’t what?” Faith said
startling them all as she suddenly appeared behind Wesley.
They’d been so intent on
their talk that they hadn’t noticed the brunette entering the bar. Wesley
jumped to his feet. His nervousness was evident as he faced his dream.
“It’s just I wasn’t sure if
I was going to see you or not,” Wesley said. “And apparently I am because here
you are.”
“Yeah, I’m here.” Faith
answered. She looked around at everyone and tossed her hair. “So, you want to
go somewhere?”
Buffy smiled as she watched
her friends bluff their way through their fear. They were so much in love but
afraid of either their emotions or letting the other one know. She wasn’t
overly worried though because by morning she figured they would have everything
out in the open and she hoped for the very best for them.
If only it was that easy for
her and Spike. She glanced down at him but he was staring at the glass in front
of him. His hand had dropped from her waist to cover her thigh and his thumb
was softly brushing against her flesh. Leaning down, she dropped a kiss on his
temple. He smiled up at her and she let herself wonder for a moment how this
could be wrong when it felt so natural to be in his arms.
Stop thinking…
“Anya’s here,” Xander said
and stood up. “I will catch up with you all later.”
They said their good-byes
and waved to Anya, then it
was down to the three of them.
“So, Buffy,” Angel said,
fiddling with his glass. “Do you think I should go straight home or head for
Cordelia’s?”
Buffy wondered how he knew
something was wrong but chalked it up to something Cordelia had said or didn’t
say in their emails or phone calls to each other. His day had been bad enough
and she figured that tomorrow was soon enough for her friend to have his heart broken.
“It’s late, Angel,” Buffy
said gently. “Maybe its better that you go home and get some sleep.”
Angel stood, leaned over to
kiss her cheek and shake Spike’s hand. “Have a good night, you two.” Then he
was gone.
It was time. It was just the
two of them. Buffy took a deep breath but Spike spoke first.
“What time do you get off?” He
asked even as his fingers slipped under the hem of her shorts to caress her
bottom sending chills through her body.
Is that all you want? To get off? Am I expected to
give you what you want now?
“Umm, actually I was off at
ten,” Buffy responded, slipping out of his arms and standing. “I’ve got class
in the morning and was going to spend some time with you then go home to
sleep.”
“Oh,” Spike said, his face
shrouded in confusion. “May I walk you home at least?”
“Isn’t that sweet?” Her heart said. “And you’re going
to be mean and break up with him. He’s had a really bad run and he needs us to
feel better. Just look how adorably boyish he looks. Like someone just told him
Santa doesn’t exist.”
“Yeah, and he’s going to break you clean in two,” her
mind countered.
“I agree he’s adorable,” her body offered with every
nerve screaming for her to be closer to him. “And he’s even better when he’s
naked. I mean really. How you even think of bedding that oaf Riley when you’ve
a got a real MAN hot for you. Just think if he could do that with his fingers,
whoa, imagine what he could do with his …”
“He just wants to use you.”
“Oh, quit being a spoil sport and let him use away,”
her body purred.
“Great, a mutiny,” her mind stated. “We all agreed…”
“We’ll go with you,” her
mouth said, taking advantage of her inner struggle and seizing control.
“We?” Spike asked. His eyes
darted about as if he was looking for other Buffy’s that were ready to go with
him.
“I mean me, of course,”
Buffy stammered. “I’ll go with you. Just me here after all. Ready and
willing…anyway I mean, ready to…go with you to the motel that is.” She shrugged
as she tried to gain her equilibrium. “It’s what we planned on, right? And I
can just go from there to class. It doesn’t make any difference whether I go
from home or from the motel as long as I get there.”
Spike laid two fingers
against her lips.
“Shush, you’re babbling.” He
smiled down at her. “I want you with me but I understand about school so
whatever is best for you.”
Buffy relaxed. He was going
to let her decide like he always did. No pressure.
“Let’s go get my stuff.”
~~~~~~~~
Wesley could only hope that
his face was remaining passive as myriad emotions ran through him. Surprise,
shock, confusion, wonder, love and finally hope. They were all there vying for
his attention and none of them giving him a clue on how to deal with the news
he’d just been given.
Faith is having a baby…my baby.
“Are you sure?” He blurted
the question because he wasn’t really sure what he should be saying and for
some reason it seemed like a logical place to start. It was at least until he
saw the look on Faith’s face.
Defensive.
“I saw the doctor a few days
ago. It’s about as positive as it can be.”
Wesley nodded and tried
again. “I mean…”
“Look you were there, we
fucked, and a couple of times we didn’t use anything which equals up to the
fact I’m knocked up.”
“Weren’t very cautious were
we?”
“You didn’t stop to find the
condoms did you?”
Wesley sighed. He didn’t
mean to imply that it was all her fault. He’d just assumed that she was on the
pill or something and hadn’t wanted to lose his chance to be with her.
“No, I didn’t,” Wesley said,
smiling at her even though his mind was still seeking purchase in the quagmire
he found himself in. “I should have asked…or stopped or something.” He rubbed
his brow and when he looked up he saw that she now looked…
Resentful.
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t the
smartest move I ever made either.”
“I didn’t mean that I regretted
it or that I’m blaming you. I’m just in shock. It’s not every day that a man is
told he’s going to be a father. I didn’t even think it was a possibility since
you said it was the end of your cycle and wasn’t very likely.”
Is it my baby?
“Look, you know what,” Faith
said, shrugging as if she didn’t care at all. “I haven’t even decided to have
it or not. Thought you might like some input but I can tell you don’t want it.”
In detachment he watched as
Faith stood up. His mind was flooded with memories of that first night they
spent together.
They’d just dropped Buffy off at the motel and he was
driving Faith home. She was so close to him, filling him with her scent, and he
couldn’t take it anymore. He had to try.
“Are you ever going to give me a chance?”
And it may as well be the direct approach.
Faith never even turned to look at him but continued
to stare out the window. “God, Wesley, how many times do we have to go through
this? It just wouldn’t work.”
It was the cavalier attitude and the automatic
response to his heartfelt question that finally pushed him to doing something
drastic.
“That’s not true, Faith. You’re just too frightened
to give us a chance.”
“I’m not scared of it,” Faith exclaimed, sounding
like a defiant child as her head whipped around to look at him.
There in her eyes he found the answer he’d been
waiting for forever. She would never willingly give her heart away. It was too
risky. But it could be tricked out of her. He parked the car on the street only
a few houses down from hers. He’d never forget her eyes growing wider as he
scooted closer to her.
“If I don’t mean anything and you’re not scared of it
then prove it to me.”
“You just want to get laid.”
He twirled a lock of her hair around his finger as he
whispered against her lips. “Only by you…but you’re acting like a frightened
virgin huddling against the door like…”
Faith had closed the gap between them; kissing him
with all the passion he knew she possessed while crawling on top of him.
Everything exploded and there’d been no tender seduction. Faith unzipped him,
pulled her skirt up and her thong out of the way and sank down on him all in
one fluid movement. There in front of her neighbor’s house she’d given him the
ride of his life.
Afterwards, he’d refused to take her to her house and
instead had taken her to his apartment where they’d had sex against his front
door. The third time they managed to get to his bed first where afterwards
they’d fallen asleep still wrapped around each other.
It was later, when the brilliant light of the
afternoon sun spilled across the bed that he made love to her at last. She had
trembled under the gentleness of his touch and had yielded control to him by
letting him be on top.
Everything slammed into
place.
Wesley raced to stop her
from leaving. He put his hand on the door before she could open it and
effectively pinned her between him and it.
“You’re keeping the baby,”
he stated without any softening of his words.
“Just because you said so?”
Hope.
And that only gave him hope
of his own.
“Yeah, because I said so,”
Wesley said. “I think you really want to anyway.”
“Maybe,” Faith said, staring
unblinking into his eyes. She was trying to bluff her way out of what was so
evident. “If you’re worried that it’s not yours…”
“It’s not necessary,” Wesley
stated, laying his free hand on her lower stomach. “The child is mine.” It
didn’t matter to him. If Faith trusted him enough to be the father of her baby
then he could love them enough to accept her word. “There’s going to be some
conditions though.”
Adoration yielded to suspicion.
“Like what?”
“Everyone will be told immediately
of our new status. You are going to settle down; no more running around.” He
kissed her pouting lips lightly. “And you’re going to wear my ring. Engagement
or marriage it’s up to you but you will show everyone who you belong to.’
“Isn’t that just archaic?
I’m not allowed to do anything and be chained to your side. What about you? Are
you just going to go about your life while I stay here alone?”
Frightened.
“No, Faith, you won’t be
alone. I’ll resign my position with the ship and find something here on shore.
Maybe I’ll finally use that Master’s degree I’ve got for something worthwhile.
I’ll probably have to make one more run then I’ll be by your side for good.”
Relief.
Right before he kissed her
Wesley saw what he’d been waiting years to see.
Love.
~~~~~~~~
Spike fidgeted. He was
standing in Buffy’s living room, waiting for her to get her bag packed.
Something was wrong. He’d noticed it almost as soon as they had walked into the
bar. All the other times when he’d returned she’d greeted him with open arms
and dancing eyes. Tonight it was like she was forcing herself to be with him. He’d
had so many expectations and plans for this visit and it looked like they were
going to get blown all to hell. He’d been so sure of her, so sure of what he
wanted to tell her but now he wondered if he’d been wrong.
“Buffy,” Giles’ voice
floated down the hall. “You said you weren’t going to go with him.”
“Shh, he’ll hear you,” Buffy
said.
“I don’t care if he does,”
Giles said, his voice getting louder. “Is he forcing you in some way? You don’t
have to if you don’t want to. I’ll tell him to get lost.”
“Daddy, stop, please,” Buffy
pleaded. “Let me handle things.”
Handle things? What things?
Their voices had dropped
again and Spike leaned toward the hallway hoping to hear more.
“I’m going to go with him,”
Buffy whispered. “I’ll call you after class and let you know how things went.”
Spike listened to the sound
of her footsteps as she made her way from her parent’s bedroom to her own then
back down the hall toward him. She looked lost as she approached him and he
wanted to make things right for her. He just wasn’t sure if she’d want him to
anymore so he didn’t. Instead he reached for her duffel bag and threw it over
his shoulder with his. He picked up her backpack but froze when he realized she
was just staring at him.
“Pet, you don’t have to go
with me if you don’t want to,” Spike said, pushing a lock of her hair behind
her ear. She shuffled on her feet but kept eye contact with him.
“We already had this
conversation.”
“I know but…”
He was silenced by the
pressure of her lips on his. It was the first kiss they’d shared since his
return. He knew it was meant to reassure him that all was right between them
but it missed its mark because even it seemed forced to him.
~~~~~~~~
“Were we in love?” Angel
asked, feeling bewildered by the disruption of his normally ordered life.
A point had been reached in
his life when at last he felt that he could relax. Everything and everyone
seemed to have a place or purpose even Faith and Buffy. It wasn’t that he felt
the people around him, and especially Cordy, were just pegs to be put in their
proper slot. It was just that everyone turned to him to guide them and protect
them. For the first time he thought that he could just be Angel and do what
made him happy. Sail on the ocean and love Cordelia.
She was so much to him.
Before and after Buffy, Cordelia had been there, flirting, friendly, wiling to
be his date when needed and his friend when he didn’t deserve one. Just as he’d been there for her. Their time spent becoming
aware of each other had just kept growing until one day they realized they were
seeing each other exclusively. He couldn’t wait to come home so he could see
her and she was always there. No real commitments but it seemed like it was
assumed. They were both so busy with their careers that love and marriage was a
far off dream.
It seemed that somewhere
he’d missed what was right there in front of him. And now she wasn’t his
anymore. Who was going to love him, cajole him into action, keep him believing
and fill his bed with passion?
“Yes, silly,” Cordelia said.
She smiled in an attempt to soften the blows she was dealing. “And we still
are. Angel, I’m always going to love you but I...just can’t live the life that
you want to lead.”
“What if I take a job with a
company that sails from
A part of him wanted her to
say ‘yes, follow me’ and a part of him knew that it was already doomed. He had already made it to Third Mate on the Darla and was being groomed by his
Captain for the climb to higher ranks. His family and friends were here in
Sunnydale.
He sighed. His choice was
between his whole life or to follow Cordelia.
“It’s okay,” Cordelia said.
“I’m going to make it easy for you. Don’t follow me. I already made the
decision you’re contemplating and it’s a bitch of one to make.”
“Yeah, it is,” Angel said,
holding her hands. “I love you.”
“I know you do but sometimes
it’s just not enough.” She sighed. “Or maybe our love isn’t as strong as we
thought it was.”
She was right. He could have
loved her more, given her more but he hadn’t. He’d been too focused on his
career and on everyone else. He’d assumed that Cordelia would be waiting for
him when he was ready. She wouldn’t though. She’d found something else to give
her what she needed and he was glad that she was doing what was best for her.
“I want you to be happy.”
Relief flooded her face and
Cordelia threw herself into his arms. It took him a second to realize that his
strong girl was sobbing as if her heart was breaking. But it was just as his
was.
“Thank you, Angel,” Cordelia
said. “I think I’m going to kick myself for giving up a great guy like you.”
“Just remember if you’re not
happy then come home. Promise me you will?”
“I will.”
Angel already knew she
wouldn’t. She had too much talent to not to go all the way to the top. One day
he’d see her designs and say he knew her when. It was him that was going to be
kicking himself for letting her get away. And he could only hope that she’d
remember him.
~~~~~~~~
“Spike?”
He turned toward Buffy’s
voice. She was standing in the doorway from the room to the balcony, holding
onto the doorframe as if it would keep him at bay. It wouldn’t. It was the wall
she was building that would separate them.
“Yeah, Luv,” Spike said,
smiling wanly.
“I’m going to go ahead and
go to bed if you don’t mind.”
He nodded his head, unable
to come up with the words to express what he was feeling. She slipped back
inside and he stared out over the waves rolling endlessly toward land. He
wished he could figure out what was wrong with her. She didn’t even seem to be
the girl he’d left behind the last time. He sighed as he acknowledged his
disappointment over the reception he’d received. He’d hoped that Buffy would
have gone ahead and rented them a room. Maybe picked up some food, made it more
like…
Home.
It would have been like
coming home.
Not bloody likely…Not now.
The walk from her parent’s
home, to the motel, to the check in to the actual settling in had all been
filled with awkward silences and accidental touches. It was if they were
strangers, worse than strangers because even when they’d first met it hadn’t
been so uncomfortable between them. He’d done everything he could to stay out
of her way after her stammered request for privacy to be able to organize her
notes for class.
Spike wondered why she said
she wanted to be there when everything she was doing was to the contrary. He’d
given up trying to figure out why and had retreated to the patio to give her
the space she seemed to want. Sounds had drifted to his hungry heart and he
strained to catch every movement, breath and mumbled word that she made. They
were a balm to his soul because as long as she was there then he still had a
chance to hold onto her. He wished for something to drive away the pain but yet
knew that no substitute could ease it for long.
His heart was breaking.
Somehow in the way that only
William in his shyness, social ineptness, and naiveté could,
had blown it yet again.
Spike had searched for an
alternate answer for her to have come with him but had rejected them because if
true they were too painful to bear. He took a last deep drag of his cigarette
and let himself feel the guilty pleasure of it filling his lungs. Did it matter
at this point? He put it out and made his way into the room. He’d waited long
enough to be sure that she had already gone to bed. In the dim light from the
patio he could see her curled on the very edge of the bed. Her breathing was
too erratic, her body too stiff, for her to be asleep. She clearly wanted no
part of him and he wanted to run back to the security of the one lover who’d
never hurt him.
In the bathroom he found a package
on the counter. It was a present for him from Buffy. The gesture confused him
until he opened it and found inside a pair of sleep pants. Another way to keep
him at bay and anger rushed through him. He had a notion to take her back home
but knew he wouldn’t. A glutton for punishment he’d take whatever she threw his
way as long as she was there.
She didn’t move when he
crawled in next to her and he lay on his back staring at the ceiling hoping
she’d come to him. Giving up, he knew he had to try and turned to her. He put
his hand on the curve of her hip and waited again. Buffy only stiffened more
but didn’t move or say anything.
“I only want to hold you,”
Spike said, hating the pitiful whining pitch of his voice.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy
whispered. “We need to talk Spike.”
“Now?”
She turned on her back
letting his hand slide around to rest on her belly. He caressed her with long
strokes of his fingers but didn’t dare advance beyond the small space of her
body she’d allowed him. Her eyes were huge in her face as she stared up at him.
They seemed to be in a quandary that he couldn’t help with. It was one that she
needed to find answers for on her own.
“No, not now,” Buffy said,
pulling his head down for a kiss.
Her tongue didn’t wait for
an invitation as it pushed into his waiting mouth. Her body melted into his and
he pulled her closer. Briefly he wondered if she’d found that it wasn’t love
she wanted but only someone to teach her about desire or should he say fucking.
It was the one thing that always seemed to be right with them as it was now.
Four weeks of being away and their bodies didn’t care about emotions or roles
as they fought to be closer together.
Spike moved his hand
underneath her pajama top, along her rib cage to close over one perfect mound.
He rolled her nipple into a hard peak leaving her moaning and rubbing herself
along his hip. This wasn’t what he wanted though and he pulled back.
“Buffy,” he whispered,
finding the words he needed. “I…”
His declaration was
interrupted by the pounding of someone at their motel door.
“Bloody hell,” Spike
declared, looking toward the entry way that was shaking from the force of the
blows being rained on it.
“Open up,” Angel called.
“Come on…Please.”
“What does he want?” Spike
asked and watched in amazement as a tear ran down Buffy’s cheek.
“Cordelia broke up with
him.”
And that was when he began
to suspect what was wrong with her.
~~~~~~~~
It was hard to see someone
so strong break down. Angel’s hand covered his face but the shaking of his
shoulders told of his tears. The grief mirrored the one Spike feared he would
be feeling soon and knowing what he would need, he gave his friend the respect
of remaining silent. No words would make it better, no gestures would change
things, and there was nothing else to do but wait for the worst of it to pass.
A cigarette dangled
forgotten from his fingers, the ashes giving up and falling on their own. Spike
stared blankly once again out toward what was once the love of his life. Waves
now crashed, angry and noisily, upon the shore as if she was trying to remind
them that she would not be replaced by any other lover.
The temptations of land had
blinded them to their vows to remain faithful and already they were paying the
price for their deceit. Her tempestuous fit of jealousy had made their return
passage to
Cordelia had already
surrendered, raising a white flag, and relinquishing any claim to Angel. Spike
knew she had done the right thing because Angel’s heart would always belong
first to an ideal, a myth that no ordinary woman could compete with. And like
his crew boss, Spike knew from many nights that as possessive as the sea could
be she still could never chase the loneliness away like a living breathing
woman could. It was a constant struggle to choose between the two.
From the corner of his eye,
Spike could see Angel reaching for the bottle of whiskey that he’d already
consumed half of before ever reaching their door. A few sniffles and the sound
of swallowing then the bottle was passed to him. Knowing the ritual was needed;
Spike drank some before passing it back.
“What can we offer them,
Spike? Nothing because the one thing they need we can’t give them. Our time.”
“You loved her, mate.”
“They’re only words,” Angel
said, lighting a cigarette he’d taken from Spike’s pack. “It’s nothing she can
put her hands on. Nothing she can hold at night. And I never once offered her
anything except my love and that wasn’t enough to hold her.”
His words were almost an
echo of what Harmony had told him. “He
was never there and most of the time I was waking up to an empty house and
sleeping alone.”
The rest of the puzzle of
Buffy’s unease fit into place. She’d given him so much and he hadn’t even given
her his heart. To her, if love couldn’t keep Angel and Cordelia together then
how could she possibly hope that they would stay together.
If she needed to hold onto
something then he’d find a way to give her that. His mind began to formulate
plans even as he listened to Angel. He wouldn’t give Buffy up without a fight
and knew he would find a way to keep her. Later, when Angel had passed out on
the second bed, he crawled back into bed with the tiny woman who held his
heart. In her sleep she had no qualms about where she belonged as she turned to
him, snuggling close as his arms closed around her. He kissed her on top of her
head and vowed, “I promise that when you wake up I’m going to give you
everything you need.”
to be continued…
