Chapter 30 – Torn Between Them
When did everything change?
Buffy half lay under the man
who had taken her virginity while staring up at the man who had given her, her
first orgasm. The memory of that first
time washed over her with such clarity she could almost feel Angel’s fingers
between her legs.
It was in August, right before their senior year and
Oz was throwing the last party of the summer. They had been partying all day,
drinking, laughing and flirting. Oh, Lord, could Angel tease when he wanted and
they were both dateless so he had been by her side all day. Neither of them
dressed in much, him in shorts and a t-shirt, she in short skirt and tank top,
both having lots of skin exposed to the sun and each other. Every time he
passed her he had touched her, a gentle stroke on her arm, a tug on her
ponytail or the cupping of her bottom. She didn’t know what had gotten into him
but she had liked it. She had liked it so much that when dusk had fallen she
led him upstairs to one of the bedrooms. This boy-man she had known all her
life wanted her. But they had never done this before and she had never thought
it could exist outside of her pubescent fantasies. His kisses were hungry,
needy and she had given him everything back. Given him access while they lay on
someone’s bed, her shirt pulled down so he could suckle her breast and her
skirt around her waist. His fingers buried between her legs, taking her places
she’d never been before, showing her what it could be like between a man and a
woman.
“You okay, pet,” Spike
asked, his fingers gently touching her arm.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,”
Buffy responded, shaking the memory from her mind.
Angel knew what she was
thinking. He always did. His eyes were dark with the same memory and the sad
look of someone who had lost. Cordelia.
Buffy pushed Spike off of her and stood. It wasn’t right for them to be acting
like giddy teenagers in front of him when he had just broken up with his
girlfriend.
“You two having fun?” Angel
asked, smiling as he looked between them.
“Enough,” Spike said,
looking confused as he got up from the floor.
Maybe somehow he knew what
she needed. Maybe he had learned to trust her.
“Look, you two, I’m going to
take a shower,” Spike said. He kissed Buffy on the cheek, nodded at Angel, and
left them alone.
It was awkward for a second.
Angel knew that she and Spike were lovers. The world seemed to be spinning
around them as Buffy tried to read her emotions. They were all mixed up and
confused. Somehow seeing her friend had made her nostalgic for something that
had never been. Or maybe it was suddenly realizing she had done the one thing
she swore she would never do, fall in love with a sailor. It was the excuse she
had used to run from the intensity of the relationship with Angel. For an entire
year they had played with fire, figuring out ways to bring each other to
satisfaction without having intercourse or oral sex. It was a past she had yet
to share with Spike.
Buffy was horrified at the
thought that suddenly crossed her mind. Maybe she had fallen in love with Spike
to try to relive her relationship with Angel and bring about a different
outcome.
“You were never in love with
me,” Angel said.
Suddenly everything was
clear again and Buffy threw herself into his arms. It felt good to be held by
the friend and protector that Angel had always been. Since she had been with
Spike she rarely spent any time with Angel. She missed him, his wisdom, his
support and now she needed him more than ever. Pulling back, she rose on her
toes and kissed the corner of his mouth. Thankful to Spike for giving her a few
moments with her friend, she took him by the hand, detouring through the
kitchen to grab sodas before taking them to the back porch. They settled in
chairs next to each other.
“Was he good to you, Buffy?”
“Yes,” Buffy answered,
feeling the flush creep over her cheeks. “He was very good to me even when it
hurt him to be.”
“What happened?”
“I…it was just,” Buffy
stopped and turned away for a moment before locking gazes with Angel. “Why
didn’t you tell me the truth of what it’s really like?”
“What and scare you off of
sex forever?” Angel asked with a sardonic laugh. “You’ve been running for so
long I figured any thought that it wouldn’t be roses and wine and you’d become
a nun.”
“Don’t be like that, Angel.
Did you stop caring?” Buffy asked, wrapping her hand around his wrist. “Because
you seem to have been big on getting us together. Did you want someone else to
take responsibility for me, so that you would be free to walk away?”
“I haven’t walked away. I’m
right here.”
Buffy sighed and leaned her
head back on the chair. He was right. Angel was where he had always been. It
was her that had walked away, gotten involved with someone and had left her
childhood friend behind. But wasn’t that what happened when you grew up? Spike
had done more than become her boyfriend; he had been the catalyst for her
taking those last few steps into adulthood.
“I’m sorry,” Buffy said.
“I’m the one who seems to have neglected you.”
Angel shrugged and reached
over to take her hand. “No, you haven’t. Not anymore than I’ve neglected you.
So, what happened?”
“I guess I forgot that there
was reality involved,” Buffy explained, looking down. “And I freaked on him
when he left.”
“Left? Where did he go?”
Angel asked then laughed because she was blushing again. “Oh, that. Well, at
least he didn’t drop it next to the bed.”
Buffy blush grew deeper.
Guys could be just so crude sometimes. What was it with them and their simple
ways of putting things? But was it any cruder than Spike’s new habit that made
her laugh when he did it?
“Well,” Buffy shared,
grinning in spite of the hotness of her face. “Now, every time he leaves he
yells ‘condom run’ really loud so I know I’m not being
deserted.”
“Every time? Just how many
times have the two of you done it?” Angel asked, but then quickly closed his
eyes tight. “TMI, I don’t want to know.”
“Oh, why not?” Buffy
giggled, enjoying the discomfiture of her friend. This wasn’t the kind of
conversation she usually had with Angel. This was normally
“What the fuck? Are you two
into handcuffs already too?”
“No, just scarves,” Buffy
said, very primly. “And this cherry tasting stuff…”
“Funny, Summers, funny,”
Angel said, when he finally realized he was being teased.
“Oh, just trying to make up
for hearing about all those girls you’ve conquered and the many finer methods
of seduction you use.”
“I’m a prince,” Angel said,
trying to look stern. “I never treat women with such callous and casual
tactics.”
“Bullshit,” Buffy retorted,
and her rarely used expletive cracked them both up.
They were both still
laughing when Spike stepped out onto the patio. He looked wary as he looked at
them both but seemed to relax when Buffy held her hand out to him.
“Come here,” Buffy said.
“Angel is trying to tell me what a gentlemen he is.” Spike settled on the edge
of her chair and she draped her legs over his lap. “So, what is the game plan
for the day, guys? It seems the two of you have been planning something behind
my back.”
“Oh, I’ve just got a little
present for you,” Angel said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his car
keys. “These are for you.”
Buffy recognized them. They
had been a part of her life for years. She hesitated for a moment before taking
them from him. It was one more thing that would change her life, one more thing
that would keep her from ever going back to the way things were. It was one
more thing taking Angel away from her because it meant he wasn’t planning on
coming home as often even if he would never admit it. Her hand closed around
the small pieces of metal and she could almost hear another door close.
~~~~~~~~
Buffy had first decided that
happily ever after was a lie. It didn’t exist.
She stabbed her foot into
the toe of her pantyhose. Spike spit and she looked up with a grimace to watch
him spit another wad of toothpaste out. Couldn’t he close the door when he did
that? And did he have to brush his teeth in the nude? His dick kept swinging
and hitting the counter. Didn’t it hurt? Second conclusion of the evening;
living with someone meant you had every excuse to just be gross. What had
happened to modesty?
“Damn it,” Buffy bit out.
She had ripped the hose because she was too busy being bitchy about something
she already knew. Spike did almost everything he could in the nude or in as
little clothing as possible. Why was it bothering her now? In the clandestine
days of their relationship it had been titillating to watch him walk around in
the all together. Now, that they’d had sex and were living together it was
irritating the crap out of her.
Buffy sighed as she stomped
over to the dresser to find another pair. Spike’s habits weren’t really what
were bothering her. It was the fact that they had been sniping at each other
all afternoon and his habits were just giving her another reason to stay mad at
him.
The idyllic few hours of
their first after sex glow had dissipated at the Auto Registration office. It
was the first stop of the afternoon because Angel had decided that she could
get everything legal and then drive them around the rest of the afternoon to
get used to the car. That was fine but she had kept asking questions and she
had kept asking Angel. It was his car; he knew the laws and about insurance and
seemed the logical person to ask. Apparently Spike hadn’t thought so because
he’d thrown up his hands, muttering something about a smoke and left them
standing in line.
“Are you finished sulking,” Buffy teased, when she
and Angel had finally finished putting the car in her name.
“Wasn’t sulking,” Spike said, walking off toward the
car.
“What is you’re deal?” Buffy asked, following after
him and ignoring Angel’s gestures to remain calm.
“Oh, nothing,” Spike said, whirling around to face
her. “It’s just all of a sudden Spike isn’t worth anything. It’s ‘Oh, Angel
this or Oh, Angel that’.”
“I was asking him questions about his car,” Buffy
yelled, ignoring the looks of people passing by. “It’s not like you’d know.
You’re British remember.”
“Oh, typical Yank response,” Spike shouted. “I’m from
the mother country and have to be so bloody stupid that I wouldn’t know
anything about driving a fucking car.” He had jumped in the back seat of the
convertible and turned his head away from her.
“I didn’t say that,” Buffy said. “Fine, you know
what, be that way.” She climbed in the car and slammed the door shut. “I don’t
care if you bloody pout all day. Damn insecure…”
Angel had slid into the passenger side trying his
best to ignore them both. The topper for that moment had been when she hadn’t
seen a car when she was pulling out. Both men had screamed at her to stop,
making her so nervous that she ended up stalling the car.
“What the hell were you thinking, Angel,” Spike
asked, sarcasm dripping from every word, “Giving a car to someone who obviously
can’t drive?”
Buffy was shifting through
her drawer looking for a decent pair of pantyhose when Spike came out of the
bathroom. He gave her one of ‘those’ looks that said how much of a child he
thought she was being. Fuming, she grabbed a new pair instead of searching for
an old one and headed back to the bed.
“Are you going to be like
this all night?” Spike asked, yanking his boxers up around his waist and
reaching for his pants. “Because I don’t think it’s going to be much help to
Wes and Faith if we’re fighting.”
“I’m not fighting with you,”
Buffy said, sniffing. “I just think you’re an arrogant jerk who thinks he can
read my mind.”
“Maybe because I can…”
They had just left the bank after opening a joint
bank account for Spike and her. It was silly she knew but she was feeling all
grown up because they had both made deposits into ‘their’ account. And they had
ordered checks with both their names on them to pay their bills. They had a
house together and now they were going shopping for dress clothes for Spike. For
the first time she really felt like an adult and then one comment had deflated
everything.
“I’m going to add your name to my credit card account
and get you your own card,” Spike said casually as they walked into the mall.
“A joint account?” Buffy asked.
“No, my account,” Spike said. “It’s one in with my
other personal accounts.”
“I don’t want it,” Buffy had bit out trying to remain
calm. Spike and she had already talked about his other bank accounts that would
remain in his name only, separate from the household account. Just like they
had agreed that she would continue to have her own accounts. She had made peace
with them sharing an account for the house but she didn’t want to take anything
from him beyond that. Her independence was still important to her.
“I’ll feel better knowing you have it,” Spike said,
throwing his arm around her shoulder.
“I’m not a little girl that can’t take care of
herself,” Buffy argued, pulling away from him. “I did just fine before you came
along.”
“Yeah, I know,” Spike said. “But you have a car now
and the house to take care of. I know the repairs the landlord will take care
of but there are still other expenses that might crop up that you’ll need extra
money for.”
“I’ll handle it.”
“Buffy,” Spike said, stopping her with his hand on
her arm. “Don’t be prideful. You’re still helping your parents out and who else
are you going to ask money from? Angel? He’ll be with me halfway around the
world.”
“Oh, yeah I forgot,” Buffy spat. “I need a man to
take care of me. And the two who always do have run away from home to live the
wonderful life on the sea.”
It hadn’t hit her until then that she was losing her
best friend to her boyfriend. Spike was right. The two men she counted on were
never around, they were together somewhere on the other side of the planet.
“What? Are you jealous?” Spike asked. “But are you
jealous because I’m with Angel or is it that Angel is with me?”
It had infuriated her that he did know her. She had
left herself so open that he knew the exact words to hurt her the most. So, she
had attacked Angel, the one that was being torn between them.
“Oh, I just bet that you’ll hear all the gory details
from him,” Buffy said. “You won’t get all icked out
and you’ll beg to hear every moment of how he bagged the girl, and added
another notch to his bedpost.”
Buffy plopped down on the
bed. She was ashamed of how she was acting and knew that she had to pull it
together before they went to dinner. Maybe, somewhere, she didn’t want the last
few hours together to be perfect. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much when he left
in the morning.
“Get it together, Buffy,”
Buffy muttered to herself.
“Here,” Spike said, kneeling
in front of her. He took the pantyhose from her hands, rested her foot on his
leg, and slipped them over her toes.
“Have you ever put them on
anyone before?”
“No, you’re my first. Well,
I have put tights on my nieces before.”
“You have nieces?” Buffy
asked. “You never told me that. I thought you didn’t have any family at all.”
“No, I have a cousin, Emily,”
Spike said, smoothing the hose along her calf before reaching for the other
leg. “The girls are hers. I guess they’d be seven and ten now. Haven’t seem
them in years. Last time I was there I wasn’t in the best of shape and Em threw me out. Told me not to come back
until I could act right. It’s been almost four years now.”
“Are you ever going to see
her again?”
“Yeah, we’re going to be in
It came to Buffy then. Why
she was out of sorts and not dealing with all the changes. Spike and she had made
it through the courtship, making love the first time and moving in together. He
had promised to give up the sea but what if he decided he wanted to go home to
England? What if they couldn’t find a way for him to be here legally? What if
they were like so many other couples and found that after awhile they weren’t
compatible? What if somewhere along the way they just let go?
She ran her fingers through
his hair. “Are we going to make it, Spike?”
He didn’t look up, he didn’t
hesitate, he just simply said, “I don’t know, baby, I don’t know.”
to be continued…
